Husband has no sexual desire

my husband isn't gay. We had a good talk last night. Concluded that stress was a huge factor... so we are going to work on his stress. Cause actually when he isn't stressed out everything is really good. He is just stressed out most of the time.

Thanks for all the posts appreciate it!

This statement contradicts multiple other statements that you have made, just so you know. So long as you are happy.

Yeah i can understand that.... but i am the only person with the entire picture of our relationship... and this makes sense..

If we solve the stress issue and its still a problem... i will remember all that was said

Best wishes, Jamie -- let us know when the baby is born.

I hope that your conversation progressed to the origin of the stress.

I got ribbedoff
Hey JamieWa. I know what you're going through.

I've been married only for a short period and husband has no sexual desire. He has admitted to past porn addiction, as well as masturbation.

I try to be very patient and remain in prayer, but it's very frustrating. It's tough on me as a woman. I have found myself growing insecure since we've been married. It would be easier for me to understand his issues if he was fulfilling his role in other aspects of the home, but he isn't. I have never felt so lonely and undesirable in all my life.

I've also noticed that I have grown quick to anger and it's because of the frustration. I know this isn't an excuse and I thank the Holy Spirit for my convictions.

satan would like nothing more than to break up a christian marriage. I have to constantly remind myself of my covenant, but it's getting harder and harder.

It sounds like your communication in your marriage is pretty good, consider yourself blessed.

I think my husband is in self-denial. He says he's over his sexual sin, but incidents keep occurring that make it apparent he's not. Such as last night at the grocery store there was a beautiful woman cleavage that almost touched her chin. As my husband was talking to me his eyes were locked on her. I was very angry. He continued to say I was paranoid and had low self-esteem. I have tried in every way to communicate with him about this and other issues, but he fails to see it from my point of view.

He tells me he adores me, tells me how beautiful I am, and showers me with flowers, but the big picture is intimacy is missing. Without intimacy I don't feel like we are "one", rather I feel like we are roommates.

Anyway, that felt good to get that out. Christian counselfing would be wonderful, but I can't drag him, he has to want to go.

I thank the Lord for His mercy & grace.

In Christ Alone,






Psalm 55:22

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

baby is born
Had a baby girl Feb 11th at 4:25 am she was 5 lb 8 oz

Thank you again for the support here

Congrats, Jamie!

Best wishes to all of you.

We also have a Parenting and Childcare forum if you're interested.

http://www.able2know.org/forums/viewforum.php?f=30

Jamie--

Wonderful news. Please visit on the Parenting Forum if you have any questions--and all new mothers have questions.

This thread seems satisfactorily concluded as far as the questioner is concerned, so that's good, and the healthy baby girl is even better.... so why add another post?

Well, you know, people reading threads and posting to them often get into issues tangential to the main thing, they may have residual questions, interests...

So I'll add a little bit that I'd like to put out there in the world from my own experience that is pertinent to this general thing and that i think many don't seem to be aware of.

I've never seen it mentioned anyway, or heard it talked of amongst the guys.

And it goes something like this:

Men aren't all the same and a man isn't always the same.

I once was a walking prick. My dick had a mind of its own and I had absolutely no control. I could get on a bus and suddenly find myself embarrased by an erection it was hard to hide - years ago in the time of slacks rather than jeans a man's dick had some room to rise at will.

Probably, I've always thought, this was something to do with pheromones, those scent molecules that float around the world. I assume my body was super sensitive to certain pheromones given off by a female perhaps 'in heat' or at the right time of month - 'receptive' I think the scientists call it.

And I'm talking years ago and I'm talking a boy brought up to believe masturbation to be a dangerous evil - morally and medically dangerous, unmanly, unsanitary, unsafe, unseemly.... whatever.

So I had to find something to do with that thing. And I would chase anything, anything at all....

As long as it was female.

Okay. So you get guys like that. For sure. Perhaps it is not really a guy. Perhaps it is some kind of satyr or monster.... who knows... it exists...

Now this same guy at a different stage, with a different woman, felt no desire whatever when laying alongside her, even knowing, especially knowing, that she wanted some sex. Why? Well because of that knowing. The feeling, the actual experiencing of the hunger emanating from the woman (or girl) for sexual gratification felt off- putting, felt rude, felt inhuman, insensitive, blundering, crude, even beside the point. Love being the point. Not sex.

I've thought this is perhaps an experience women get much more often than men, perhaps, and this is perhaps much closer to their typical experience.

Maybe that's true. Maybe it's not. Maybe it once was and now isn't. Maybe it's half true. No matter. The point is: you get guys like that.

And it can be same guy as the other one.

And I've had hundreds of intercourses and the best have always been, without doubt, those that came about when they weren't aimed for.

When the joining together was in the spirit of love and affection - deep affection - a feeling of joint deep friendship and desire for that friendship and for the other person and a real happiness to be with them and a non selfish holding and caring that didn't ask to use that person for sexual gratification - or any other kind of gratification, come to think of it - but just was happy to be with them and share an embrace....

those joinings sometimes gave rise to intercourse that was truly sublime.

Whereas intercourse is typically not sublime.

If you've any doubt about that - from lack of experience perhaps - then question someone about the world of pornography (or check it out yourself) and note how much purely mechanical pumping an pumping takes place in the world to absolutely no effect.

Would it surprise you clean living inexperienced unknowing young people to know that most of the biggest 'studs' you'll find in a porno movie ( the 'stud' that's the guy who does all the 'lovemaking') usually, typically, 'finishes' himself off with his hand after pumping away for sometimes as long as ten minutes (that's along time for continuous physical intercourse) ?

Yes, ridiculous and not a little disgusting though it may be it is typical to see them unable to climax and having finally to force the issue (pardon the pun) which they typically then do by ejaculating all over their partners.

That, my friends, is not love.

And you can find much, much 'pornography' showing females who love to be bound and fornicated by machines - or by men - and these women fail to reach a satisfactory climax, too, though of course that fact is harder to judge in their case. I judge it to be so by contrasting their behaviour with that of a very few cases I have seen of women who do reach a satisfactory finish and, of course, recollection of my own experiences.

And you'll remember I told of my young years as a slave to my own body. Those experiences were not 'sublime', they were like having a good feed, or a good crap perhaps, or a good physical fight, or a good run...

For a long time I had a partner of exactly the same proclivities, apparently, as my own. In her female way. She was always ready. I was always ready, when with her. We did very little talking. But met daily after work and went at it. We enjoyed the activity a great deal. We were slaves to the activity. We loved it. It. And having each other to help with it. But we didn't love each other. We didn't know each other. We knew nothing about each other.

So sexual intercourse is typically not sublime. Far from it.


Okay?

And, hence, it is not so important.

It is vastly over-rated.

A girl friend once said to me "There's far too much unnecessary sex and violence in the world" and I've always thought there were never truer words spoken.


What was it ? 'Cat On a Hot Tin Roof' ? Where a character said something like "If there's a problem in a marriage it's here" and patted the bed?

So everyone now thinks that sex is the be-all and end-all of everything.

Compounded by the recent years of women's liberation and the rise of sexual freedom and the 'right to climax' for women.

So that now it has become an agenda. An agenda item always there, every day, that has to be addressed.

I'll bet that 90% of the population would feel ashamed to admit they weren't 'getting any' ( or giving any, as the case may be ).

We've got a massive industry of sex therapists, sex psychologists and so on - sex 'aids', counselling, advice.... on and on and on....

That industry is populated 90% by self gratifying money seeking individuals.... it exists mainly to make money, not to satisfy some human problem....

Basically there is no problem beyond the current exaggerated beliefs in the importance of regular, frequent and 'satisfying' sex. It is, in fact, bullshit.

Why? Well think about it. For starters 'regular', 'frequent', 'satisfying' and 'sex' are all words of subjective meaning - they mean different things to different people at different times....

Actually what's important is continuous satisying understanding love and affection of self, partner, children and friends.....

As this couple are on the verge of getting some intimations of... because now they've got a child and as someone once said 'child in... sex out..'

And, of course, the newspaper columnist sex pundits and other gravy train riders jump on this bandwagon and tell you how you can still have 'satisfying sex' even with a baby demanding feeding every three hours though the night.... and on and on and on....

What they don't bother to tell you - probably because they don't know, having lived sterile artificial concrete canyon lives all their journalistic money grubbing careers - is that you don't need to worry about it....

Let the child claim you attention... sleep with the child, wake with the child, mum and and dad both, experience this devotion to the needs of a helpless other, this constant drain on your time and energies that is......... what?

Love.

You are giving the child love. Love is coming out from you. And that's what love is supposed to do - go out from you. Whereas we've got a selfish childish world of people asking to be loved, for love to come in to them.

In many cases this is the first experience of manifesting love the couple has ever had. Eveything up to then being lust, mutual admiration, self-satisfaction, peer competition, devotion to the norm.... etc., etc.... Too easy. Too much nothing. Rubbish.

Their substitute for manifesting love, for actually doing some for someone else, was to buy mum and dad a gift at xmas.

Now shitty nappies and sleepless nights and bridling your own temper and looking out for someone else and...... well, find out for yourself....

It's a whole new ball game. Ask anyone that's been there.

And that's the point of it all, you see.... the love. That the next generation draws out of us, lest it never comes out at all.

And if the world would concentrate on that, instead of on the animal fornications that inevitably - and quite enjoyably in their own way - precede it - then we'd have a far lovelier world, far saner, far more understandable, far more peaceful.... far happier....

If we built the world for that child, prepared the way for that child, so that it came into a fitting world, then we'd have a virtual paradise for ourselves, too, wouldn't we?

And we could look at it as though a little child had led us there, couldn't we?

Wouldn't that be good? Don't you think?

Most ppl probably disagree with you... but i actually do agree with you. I think i worry about sex to much. My husband loves me very much, and i should be satisfied with that.

Re: I got ribbedoff


Oh my, it never fails to amaze me how brainwashed people can get.

Hi, Jamie,
having read briefly through the pages of the thread I wonder if you ever ask yourself why sex is so important to you? You say you've been repeatedly molested in the past and have not seen a counsellor about that. I know your faith helps you and that it can play strong healing part. But this is a very serious matter worth exploring with a professional. You say you don't know what a counsellor would tell you - best way to find out is to actually go (I know, probably hard with a small baby). People often seek solutions where they aren't - food, sex, shopping.... many things. You may have emotional issues from those earlier times and sex may be important because it emphasizes strong emotional bond between two people among other things -- which people with experiences like you had often seek. My hunch would be that a counselor could only help you and that would also mean less pressure on your husband.... Can't lose much either way. Just wanted to lay it out there, as it bothered me ever since you mentioned it one one of the first pages.
Best of luck in your marriage and with your baby!

Dag--

Good post. Excellent advice.

yeah i should prolly go see a doctor about it, maybe when i have time and can find one i will...

I know most of this discussion is from earlier this year, hope someone is still checking.

This is common to a great deal of all marriages. If it weren't, there would be no infidelity/adultery/etc. Most of the time it is the husband with the higher sex drive and the woman with the lower. This is general and not always true. It also often seems to switch during mid-life, where the man's libido tones down and the woman's revs up, placing the couple into their partner's shoes.

I applaud your strong determination to keep the faith and your marriage. I'm coming up on my wife's and my 4th anniversary and your description is the same way I've felt many times in our relatively short marriage (although it feels longer when you're frustrated). What I've found is that it is typical for one partner to feel this way. One person always seems to be the brakes and the other, the accelerator. If something happened to you to make you unable to have sex, I betcha lots of money that he would start to want it bad from you and end up being the frustrated one. He doesn't think about sex, because you do much of it for him and he might subconciously leave that part of your relationship under your supervision.

Differences in sexual desire is among, if not the, top reasons for divorces. It's a sad but natural effect of our biology. We would never become better if we didn't learn to subdue the forces of nature into a proper place. I don't think sex is a bad thing in itself. In fact, I believe it is crucial to a healthy relationship, but it also must be tamed or it will be destructive. On the flip side, lack of desire is just as much of a struggle and hopefully he will see it as something he needs to work on so that the two of you can meet in the middle and work out a compromise you both can live with more comfortably.

After all this, be patient and keep trying. Keep praying about it (not necessarily for it), too and keep looking for sound advice/counsel. That's the best advice I'll give. It may not seem like much coming from someone in a similar situation to you, but this is what I've learned from some research and taking marriage development classes. The undergraduate university I attended offered marriage retreats every year. I suggested it one year and she was not excited about it at all, but a year later, something must have sparked her to want to go and she really wanted to go. Go figure. We went and the instructor was very frank and pretty candid in regards to the general differences in men and women and we both learned a lot. He recommended the men to back off a bit, and encouraged the women to put out a bit more (my words not his). In your marriage, its flipped, that's all. No big deal.

And don't assume he's homosexual (like others might). I never was interested in girls until college and never even held a girl's hand (affectionately) before then. I purposely never dated in high school seeing all the trouble it was for older siblings and never had lots of interest in pursuing it (a few short-lived crushes was all). When I was ready to date seriously, I learned awkwardly and quickly (and it seems much better than peers and siblings who started dating early).

My wife was the affectionate one when we were dating, but since we got married, not so much. I think it's because I held back when we were dating, but when we got married I became the accelerator. This seems to be similar to many friend's relationships either with the woman or the man. Large changes in the relationship with shift things around in funny directions (pregnancies, kids, jobs, stress, weather, who knows). Even between her two pregnancies she's been very different in regards to affection (rough on me, but life goes on).

Despite popular ideas, there is a lot more to life besides sex, and the very best relationships are grounded in everything but sex which is just the icing on the cake. It is our biology that makes us want it so much, but life is so meaningless if it becomes focused on it. It seems like your faith helps you see that.

Good luck.

thats usually what happens when religion gets involved. flaccidity and dysfunction.

alas i shall try to help you and or him.

why would god make sex so great i he didnt want us to do it?

perhaps he does drugs

Excellent response!