Husband has no sexual desire

He knows there is a problem.

He said we need to work on being more patient with each other. And be more considerate of each other feelings, and how the other is feeling.

He said if he gave me a solution to the problem. With the whole tell him earlier in the day, don't try and have sex once he is in bed, cuz he is in sleep mode.

I don't know. I told him that i felt like the success of our sex life depended on me following these rules, and pursuing sex. He said i always want to have sex and never give him time to actually build up a drive.

I don't know what do. I think i'm just going to have a boring sex life, and have to deal with that.

What is also common is that long term sexual incompatibility normally drives one of the couple outside of the marriage to get their needs met, and if they are not willing to do that then into self loathing. You have time to find a solution with-in the marriage, but you would be wise to not minimize the problem.

This is true. I will do more research on the topic and see if i can find any solutions or action plans.

My husband and I have discussed this subject so much. I feel like i am kicking a dead dog

And over time exhaustion will set in, on your side from asking and rejection, on his from increasing distaste for "have to" sex. You might be able to bring yourself around to sex as it is today, but what about tomorrows?

Read David Deida's "finding God through sex"....He is primarily of eastern bent, but still I think he might speak to you, give you some ideas. another thing you can do is find out about what your husbands peak sexual experiences have been. He may have sworn off sex but he is still pretty much the same man now as he was then. If you know what used to turn him on you will have a better idea of where to find the switch today.

Hi Jamiewa. Welcome to A2K. I guess my thoughts on your situation will not lead to any real "solution", but they are a result of a similar situation, just reversed. My wife has always preferred having sex planned in advance. She has never been one to get into a spur of the moment thing. I'm just the opposite. I prefer not planning things out ahead of time. Once my wife went to bed, it was tough to convince her to make love unless we had decided upon doing so earlier.

While this was somewhat frustrating to me, it was the reality I was faced with, just as you are faced with it. My suggestions are simple.

1. Acceptance. If the two of you truly love each other, then accept the possibility that things may not get better. While sex is an important part of marriage, it is not the only part of marriage. (I will be roundly criticized on here for this statement, but that's ok.) There is much more to a loving marriage than sex.

2. Patience. Over the years, my wife and I continued to talk about our needs and desires. I didn't push her to change and she didn't get mad when I would get frisky without an "appointment." I slowly began to recognize times that my wife would be open to a spur of the moment thing. Her days off of work were more likely to find her willing to have sex on the spur of the moment.

3. God. Yeah, that's right, I said it. As a Christian, I believe in God's power to heal any situation. Do you and your husband pray together? Give it a try if not. Tell him (your husband) what you have told us here on A2K. Tell him you're frustrated. Then ask him to pray with you about the problem. It may not result in any change, but maybe God will give you the strength to accept the situation.

Now of course, I am not suggesting that you ignore the possibility that there could be a medical reason for your husband's obvious low sex drive. Also, you mentioned that you were due to have a child at any time (could this be why he is not quick to have sex with you right now? Some men are tentative about it when their wive's are pregnant. Or was he this way before you became pregnant?)


Anyway, good luck and God bless.

Well Coastal your advice has been the best thus far. Considering you have been there as well.

We do pray together often. But we havent prayed together about our sex life, i will ask him if he is open to that whe he gets home from work today.

Its been this way since we got married.

Before we thought it was stuff i was doing. Because i use to get frustrated over not being able to orgasm, and get bitter towards him. We talked about that one a lot and i was able to over-come that issue. Now i really don't care if i do or don't.

Sex is more focused on him now instead of me, and trying to pleasure me. It was to stressful for him. And it wasn't helping the situation.

Now the focus of sex for me is making sure his experience is the most pleasuable that it can possibly be, i do everything i can think of to make this happen. Plus i try extremely hard to make us closer from the experience.

Which helped a lot because before it was all focused on me, and getting me to orgasm.

I remember about 4 years ago right before we got married. We were doing laundry together it was a sunday. So he hadnt worked that day. We had come back from the laundry shack and were folding some laundry. And he looked at me and grabbed me and made love to me.

I know he use to get spontaneous. But since we got married, im the only spontaneous one. I do ok for awhile just some nights are being told no i get frustrated with the whole thing.

It was so pathetic tryin to convince him to be with me. Saying all he had to do was lay there. Let me play around so he would get into it. He just kept saying he was to tired, and how he just wanted to watch a documentary and cuddle instead and fall asleep. (It was 8:30pm)

I got so angry inside. He told me not to be angry cause he could tell i was. Then he grabbed me and cuddled me and asked me about my goals. I was just so angry i wrecked the whole thing.

Just keep working at it Jamiewa. The key is trying not to get too frustrated. It can be tough sometimes.

One thing that may help that I didn't mention may be something to consider. Since my wife liked things planned out, I started periodically writing out an erotic story describing what we would do together and would give it to her sometime during the day. This actually accomplished a couple of things. First, it was my way of saying "Hey baby, I'm wanting you and planning on this happening tonight." That was just a little sexier to me than "making an appointment." Second, it tended to get her thinking about sex ahead of time, so that by the time we got together that night, she was really looking forward to it. Believe it or not, it didn't take her long to begin looking forward to getting a story from me. While this doesn't go toward solving the issue, it did help me keep from getting so frustrated about having to plan things ahead of time.

So who knows. Something like that might work for you.

Jamie, in your opening post you said that your husband has fought against sexual sin his entire life. Until he was able to fully suppress his desires, that is. Can you explain a little more what you mean by fighting against sexual sin? Also, what was your husband's religious upbringing before becoming a Christian 7 years ago?

I second that, because it seems so far that your husband is not suffering from low sex drive, he is suffering from repressing his sex drive. He can not deal with his own sexual self, therefore he can not deal with your sexual self. Which is why you are headed for big trouble if a solution is not found. Patience and understanding are not going to cut it.

I have a couple other random thoughts for you to consider. You are about to become a mother for the first time. There's really no telling at this point what impact motherhood and lack of sleep will have on your desires -- many new mothers have very little interest in sex, others find breastfeeding highly stimulating. There is also very little chance for planning and scheduling. Newborns tend to dictate scheduling and telling your husband a day or two in advance that you're looking for a romp at a certain time in the future may simply be unrealistic.

Your husband was sexually inexperienced when you met. You came to the relationship with much more experience and much more in tune with what you were looking for sexually. He floundered, was unable to meet your needs, and has subsequently backed away. I'm thinking this is perhaps a result of his pre-existing thoughts that sex is somehow bad -- particularly sex for pleasure rather than procreation.

A couple of things jumped out at me while I was reading your post.



Do you think the fact that you used to get bitter towards him when you didn't orgasm - has left a feeling of inadequacy buried inside of him? Even though you have supposedly worked it out and you don't care anymore .......he is ALWAYS going to care. I'm sure he wants to please you. He sounds like a good and decent man that loves you. I think men like that are extra sensitive about making sure their woman is satisfied too. I don't know .... I just feel like that would be a hard pill to swallow for a man and an even harder one to bury.

So how about making sure, yourself, that you DO orgasm everytime you make love. Without getting graphic, being "on top" makes it pretty hard NOT to reach that plateau. Especially with lots of foreplay :wink: Gotta love the power and control a woman has in that position. IF that is part of his problem......I think seeing you orgasm often will go a long way towards getting him in the mood for a more active sex life.

There seems to be a lot of pressure on him. Especially since he knows he makes you angry when he doesn't perform. That, also, is not going to help you get your groove back on.

So....if I were you. Here's what I would do. First off ..... until you get this worked out...make sure you releive your pressure. Keep yourself taken care of in other ways, if you get my drift. That will keep you as un-frustrated as possible while you work on the rest.

He likes to cuddle, right? So.....leave the pressure of sex off him. Cuddle up to him every evening. Keep it soft and fun. No expectations. Something tells me that the longer things go without him feeling pressure, the more your "cuddling" and him feeling your body close to his...will pay off. But no matter what..... don't get angry if it doesn't lead to sex. And don't try to engage him! Remember he has the reigns now.

The next time you do have sex go for the gusto on the foreplay. Then crawl on top of him and make it happen. Let him see what he does to you. How his body can please you. Scream it out. Do whatever your body feels like doing. Wild and crazy. Free and easy. Who cares if they can hear you a mile away.

I think a few totally open and fun sessions like that (IF there are no physical reasons behind your problems) ..... will have him comin' back for more. :wink:

If none of the above works then you may definitely have deeper problems, such as the religious aspects that you spoke of. In which case, that battle needs to be fought with more than just you and him, alone.

Welcome to A2K, Jamiewa! And I appologize for this being so long.

Then I'm so f**ked. Literally and figuratively.

You're just figuring that out now?

And for folks who are too tired for sex when they hit the pillows at night, I always thought that's what mornings were for.

Mmmmmm Hmmmmm! Can you think of a better way to start your day!

Depends on whose turn it is to make the coffee :wink:

As far as sexual sin. He fought again masterbation, looking at porn, looking at woman. He wasnt really raised anything to strict his mom was Seventh-day Adventist. So he had that background growing up which helped him maintain his virginity.

oh yeah just reading threw the quotes. He has a hard time not thinking sex is bad. And actually letting himself go.

He felt disgusting after being with girls when he was younger. He never had sex. But he was always a good looking popular guy in school things happen. He wasnt practicing christian at that time.

But he has mentioned to me that he will sometimes feel dirty after we have sex.

Once he became a practicing Christian is really when he just turned himself right off of sexual things and started fighting it. Especially when we were dating. He was trying really hard not to want me. Plus we did long distance in for 2 years of our dating relationship. 15 hour drive away from each other . So he never looked at other woman and tried really hard not to.. and he didnt. Plus he never looked at porn at that time either. And refrained from masturbation as much as possible.

Well, I wouldn't call it a liberal religious upbringing.



There's still plenty of room there for guilt and self persecution to the point of sexual repression.

He doesnt like having sex in the morning. Because his sexual organs feel swollen and irritated for the rest of the day. Plus he feels tired for the rest of the day if we have sex in the morning. He does not like it at all. Cuz he never feels awake.