Reply
Thu 7 Feb, 2008 09:18 am
I have been married for 3 1/2 years. I have an incredible marriage. My husband is wonderful he is my bestfriend. I am 21 and he is 23 at the moment.
My husband and I are Christians. My husband has fought against sexual sin most of his life, and since he became a Christian about 7 years ago he basically was able to turn off sexual desire. He doesn't look at porn, other woman, he doesn't even think about sex at all.
Which i am thankful for because he is 100% committed to me. The only problem is I have a very high sex drive. He has a very low sex drive. He would be happy if we had sex once a week maybe. I would prefer our sex life to be every other day, maybe with 2 days in between.
The problem is he is tired from working physically, and doesn't want to have sex, and I get told "no" more often then I would like. I seem to be the one who is going after him because he as no desire. The only time he will desire sex is like after a week or two of no sex, and he has no stress, and isn't tired.
I try not to get angry when he tells me "no" but its hard cause its embarrassing trying to convince your husband to have sex with you and he doesn't want to. I have never been considered an unattractive person, before my husband I had a lot of men chasing me all the time.
Sometimes I just want to feel like a woman and have my husband want me, but in our relationship i think this is unrealistic.
My husband told me that if i want to have sex that night i have to let him know earlier in the day and before he gets into bed. Because once he is in bed he is in sleep mode. And doesn't want to have sex at all.
For some reason i have a hard time doing this? I don't know why its such a simple thing. Maybe cause of lack of excitement? Hope maybe my husband will want me for a change? I have no idea.
There are a number of issues going on here that jump out at me.
First, you're husband has spent considerable energies in an effort to control (and turn off) his sexual desires. This becomes a problem for spontaneous sex. If he's implemented an on/off switch of sorts then I can understand why he gets into bed thinking only about sleep. Since you and I don't know what it takes for him to flip his switch back to 'on', we have a harder time understanding his need for scheduling sex earlier in the day.
Second, as a strong Christian he could very well have taken the attitude that sex is best reserved for procreation rather than pleasure. The fact that you are looking for pleasure from a sexual encounter might be concerning to him.
Both of these things are areas where the two of you will need to get on the same page in order for your marriage to be mutually rewarding. I know there are Christian marriage counselors but I have no experience with what position they would take in terms of sexual expression and mutual satisfaction. I'm afraid you would probably hear that it is your duty to be subservient to your husband and be asked to control your own urges as he has done. This is NOT what I'm suggesting, but I do see this as a potential longterm problem in your marriage.
good luck!
A 23 year old man should be interested in sex, even if he has guilt about the act. I know you may not want to even consider this, but is it possible he is homosexual? A deeply religious Christian might feel more guilt over that possibility than sex itself. He might be trying to hide it in his marriage to you. I don't think there is anything wrong with you Jamiewa, and I think the probelm is more than your husband being tired. I think you should go to marriage counseling, but NOT with a religious counselor. Find an impartial ear. Your husband should also see a doctor to rule out any physical problems. Personally, I would feel just as frustrated you do in this situation and I hope you can get the problem solved, one way or another.
We both view sex as something that needs to happen between a married couple so that there is no temptation for outside of the marriage.
In the bible God asked the children of Israel to separate from their spouses for 3 days. For a cleansing purpose and then commanded them to "know" their wives so there wasn't any temptation.
Plus it renews the relationship.
I think your right about the on/off switch. I cannot make him want sex, trust me i try extremely hard to make sex very pleasurable for him. But that doesn't make him want it.
I think i get frustrated because no matter what i do i cannot make him want me. He told me it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him, he said if i follow his rules then everything will be ok. He can't understand why i cant follow his rules.
He is willing to have sex with me when i want. I just have to let him know ahead of time, and then do it before he gets into bed. I just have to give him a day or two in between so he doesn't get to tired.
Thank you for your advice.
The whole homosexual thing has come up. His mom thought he was gay cause he was really wasnt interested in girls at all. Until he met me.
He is attracted to me. He does get aroused by thinking about me. He does get aroused from looking at me.
He use to have a lot of sex before we got married. Which we both know is wrong to have sex before marriage. And i wish that we were able to sustain till we got married. But it happened. He was a virgin before he met me as well. So i guess the first year of sex was really new and exciting to him.
He doesnt think he has anything medically wrong with him. I have tried to get him to go to the doctor but he hates doctors.
Jamiewa wrote:
I think i get frustrated because no matter what i do i cannot make him want me. He told me it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him, he said if i follow his rules then everything will be ok. He can't understand why i cant follow his rules.
He is willing to have sex with me when i want. I just have to let him know ahead of time, and then do it before he gets into bed. I just have to give him a day or two in between so he doesn't get to tired.
Thank you for your advice.
Sex is not a business appointment. I think it's fine for a woman to initiate sex, but it's much more fun when it is spontaneous. As a woman, I love it when my husband grabs me and I know it's because he feels a surge of desire for me. My husband (age 48} works hard too, but he still roles over at 3 am looking for love even if his eyes aren't fully opened- the rest of him is ready. I really think there is a deep problem here and you might need an expert to help you get to the bottom of it.
And doing all of those things force you to stifle your natural urges and be subservient to his wishes. Only you can determine if that is something you are able/willing to do for the long term.
I agree with him. This has nothing to do with you and is all about him. You can only decide whether or not it's a condition you can tolerate permanently.
Jamiewa wrote:The whole homosexual thing has come up. His mom thought he was gay cause he was really wasnt interested in girls at all. Until he met me.
He is attracted to me. He does get aroused by thinking about me. He does get aroused from looking at me.
Red Flag - this is typical of the type. A man not interested in women suddenly he finds a woman he gets an erection with. A religious man would think it was a sign from God that this is the woman to make him straight. He marries her. He then finds while he can have sex with her, but it is not something that makes him fully sexually excited and he avoids the intimacy. It really is a classic story that you will hear from other women who have been through this. I'm not sure what you can do to get to the truth of the matter. It may just be a matter of time or how much you are willing to put up with. I would suggest you do not rush to have children until you know for sure what the problem is - and I assure you, there is a problem.
We are actually over due for our first child. I was due Feb 4th
The thing with him and I. He is my bestfriend, i am his perfect wife.
I cook for him, get up with him before work and make his breakfast, i make his lunch for him. I have supper ready when he gets home. I bake him desserts that he likes. I keep our house extremely clean because he gets stressed out when its not clean. I understand him, i help him manage his stress. I rub his back when he is sore i wash his hair for him.
He appreciates all that i do. I appreciate him, he goes to work and provides for us.
I know him so well he just cant be gay. If anyone in our relationship has homosexual tendency it is me. Because i was bi-sexual before this relationship. Before i knew God. The only reason i was bi-sexual was because i was molested by girls when i was younger, and stayed with the same girl for 14 years.. it was a weird relationship. It was just sex, we never kissed and were not dating just friends only.
My co-workers husband was the same way. He isnt gay at all but is just really tired from work and doesnt desire sex. He is 25 i believe and she is 24. She had the same problem as me.
I dunno its ok if a woman has no sexual desire. Its more common. I have an extremely high sex drive which is uncommon. My husband has an uncommonly low sex drive for a guy.
I am the guy in the relationship and he is the woman. lol
You said it best: He is your friend. You are his wife (mother?). I hope one day he will become your husband in the way you desire. If you are content to be his housekeeper and his groomer, then accept that for it's limitations. He has no reason to change. I truly wish you both well.
they say if there's no life in your man get a new man in your life. Who nows?
thanks so much for all your advice i really appreciate it
Jamiewa
Jamiewa, both you and your husband need to have your hormone levels tested. You may have a high male testosterone level while your husband has a low one. Are you taking any medication containing testosterone?
BBB
No i'm no medications whats so ever... Just naturally have a really high sex drive. Always have. There are a lot of under lying issues my husband is aware of why i desire sex so much.
I wouldn't call what you describe "very high." It seems well within normal range to me.
Main point there -- don't pathologize your own sexual needs. At least not on that basis -- the statement about having a sexual relationship with a female for 14 years, and you're now 21, and you've been married for 3 and a half years, seems to be its own issue. (Are you saying that this sexual relationship started when you were three?)
Yeah it proly start about 3 years old. Between 3-5 foresure i dont remember when exactly i just always remember it. Older girls molested me... and i am not sure if i molested the girl i was with first? or she molested me? Or if we were both molested by the older girls. By older i mean like 1 or 2 years older.
OK. That's waaay out of my depth. Have you gotten counseling to deal with that issue?
Wow, I can understand why this bothers you. Having a husband who never wants to ravish you, who insists that sex is something on his honey-do list to get checked of before he can do what he wants to do, must make you feel small.
Sexual incompatibility is a big problem in a marriage, and it is not clear that either of you considered this before marriage. Does your husband realize that there is a problem on the table that needs to be dealt with? If so then I would think your best bet is to approach the problem together, and look for programs and people with in the church who can help. The Christian community is much more willing to talk about sex, to deal with sexual issues, then it used to be. You should be able to find christian programs or Christian centric counselors to help you.
No i havent got conseling on the whole being molested issue.
I am actually pretty ok with the whole thing now that i have God in my life. Talked to my husband a lot about it figured things out dealt with the anger, figured out a lot about myself. Not sure what a counseller would be able to tell me.
Yeah it does seem like sex is just a "to do list" i have been reading a lot on the sexual incompatibility issue. Its pretty common. Most ppl have it a lot worse. At least my husband is willing to have sex with me, other ppl husbands sleep in other rooms and do even want to touch their wives. He does cuddle and kiss me and joke around with me. Just doesnt want the whole sex thing.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace