If I may make a suggestion should you choose to have a 'we need to go our separate ways conversation' with her - remember also that her needs are the equal of yours...that means respecting her needs (ie there is no need to be accusing, just make simple statements of the way you see things) while maintaining respect for your own needs (ie. remaining firm about what your needs are).
As a side note - there is no need to use the word 'need' - it can at times confuse people (even though it helps you understand whats going on). You can simply saying something like "This is what I want from a friendship...and I don't see it happening/it's not happening".
Summarised - it's good to be respectful, because you are then treating her needs as the equal of your own - and it's good to be firm about your own needs, because your are then treating your needs as the equal of hers.
It works both ways
@hawkeye
Won't it be bad on my part to call off? she expects too much from me. I know this because I've done this before. I can't see her heartbroken which I am sure she will be.
@vikorr
I think a healthy conversation will be really helpful in this case. Also, I guess I think too much about her and that's the problem. If I stop giving her that importance maybe things will be altogether different.
You are going to have to decide what your obligation is to other people., and to yourself. i have decided that I have an obligation to pursue my hopes , dreams, and best interests, that my obligations to others are to be compassionate , kind, and helpful when possible. If I were in your shoes i would consider my obligation to this girl to be a full explanation if she wants it, and to be gentile and kind. However, to stay in a relationship that is not good for me would be unfair to me. Also, What she chooses to do is not my responsibility it is hers. If I know ahead of the time that she is unstable I should try to get her help before she hurts herself or others, but I would never be responsible for anything she did in reaction to what i did.
In your shoes I would also remind myself that pain can be a bad thing, but it can also be an invitation to learn from mistakes, and can be a symptom of growth. masking or medicating pain can be a disservice. Not only am I not obligated to alleviate other peoples suffering, but sometimes if I were to do that I would be harming them. My responsibility is to be compassionate about others being in pain, not to attempt to keep others from their pain.
Hawkeye's post is quite good.
In relation to calling it off being 'bad' - for whom would it be bad to call it off? (certainly not for you, and in the long term, probably not for her either, if she comes to realise some new things about life and relationships)
In relation to whether or not she becomes heartbroken. Do you realise that you cannot always be the caretaker of her heart?
When you put the importance of your needs (to have a normal open friendship) below hers (because you fear of hurting her)
you put yourself back in the position where her needs are more important then your own
where you meet her needs while your needs aren't being met
the position where you cannot maintain a balanced view, where you cannot give heartfelt love because what you have is distracted and influenced by the nattering voice in your head, the hurt felt from ignored needs, from need unmet
.even after all the care that you give her needs
and you wonder why you feel hurt, and why you feel some part of you is lost - and why you feel that it all shouldn't be this way
and could be different, if only she
(do you now see how we justify this to ourselves?...and it is a justification, but it isn't reality
reality is the equality of our needs being met - and understanding that what we have in relationships goes both ways).
What that all means is
make your decisions based on your needs first (because she is not looking after your needs, only you are left to do so
and if you don't - there is no equality left - none).
Now for the affect - you understand that there is no intention on your part to hurt her (in going your separate ways)? If she feels hurt by your decision, that is sad and understandable, but it doesn't change the basics of why you make your decision. There is nothing ?'bad' about this resulting in her being hurt (it does not ?'cause' her hurt, it results in her being hurt), it just is. Sad, but not bad.
Should she one day understand, you will smile and welcome her back as a friend
but for now, this is how you need it to be (excuse the direct wording - usually I would do this as questions, and suggestions
the direct wording is my version of how the situation may go, and seems the easiest method in this case).
As for how much you think about her - that will fade with time. I would give thought to compatability (ie how compatible she is, not in personality, but in character - in meeting your needs, in knowing what your needs are, in paying attention to them, in asking about them, in showing interest in them, in putting your needs on an equal footing with hers, in knowing that you have needs etc) - without such, long term relationships would just end in misery for the less powerful of the couple (that would unfortunately be yourself)
I would like to tell you that no one has ever helped me that way. I am really grateful to you all. I am analyzing her right now. And, it's always about her. I just don't seem to give myself importance. I have made much sacrifice to be with her. But, she doesn't have respect for it.
Now, it's time to get some importance and respect. And, sometimes, it's good to be selfish.
As a small comment - the term 'selfishness' has been unfairly tarnished in our society. Equality means Selfishness balanced against Giving/Connecting. Without selfishness...we lose self. (but does anyone ever mention that?). Selfishness is vitaly important to each and every one of us, and our sense of well being, and sense of value in ourselves. It is when it's all about selfishness that it becomes unhealthy. In reality, both selfishness and giving are all about balance :wink:
Glad to see you're realising that you have as much importance as the other in relationships. sometimes it is a struggle.
I would end the friendship. She doesn't want her friends to see you with her. That is very inmature. Sounds like she just needs a friends shoulder to cry on when she needs one. This friendship is all about her. How selfish and childish. You have other friends spend your time with them.
Analyzing all the facts, I have decided to talk to her about what's all happening and will tell her the problems I am having because of that. I think there can be solution to it. If there is nothing of that sort, maybe it's TIME.
Good for you to give her the chance.
Just in case you've never done anything like this before...remember that you don't have to provide a reason for everything - sometimes by way of answer you just have to repeat yourself
...as an example, something along the lines of "It's fair enough that you feel that way, and what I am telling you is what I need/want from a friendship, it is too difficult for me the other way", or another version "I think I can understand that - but it doesn't change what I want and need from a friendship." etc
...basically, remember to be firm
Good luck.
Be strong and keep reminding yourself that this needs to be done for you!
Keep us posted!!
