Public Conscious

Dtoxikated wrote:

It's like I am jealous of her boyfriend. That's why I never asked about him.

Why are you jealous? Do you want to be with her and because she hides you, it hurts??

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Well, I like her more than a friend. That's why I am jealous of her boyfriend.

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So she "had" a bf. No need to be jealous any longer as she is single. Do you think you are ready to tell her that you want to be more than friends?

I am not trying to hurt your feelings, just trying to help shed some light your way.....

Do you think that she knows how you feel and doesn't want the same? Or she is hiding you because she is afraid of hurting you because she has other male interests and knows that you might be jealous about it?

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How is stuffing your feelings working out for you? Not so great right?

Seems like it is time to be clear and honest about what you want, and then wait to see what she says and what she does. Being put on the friend burner when you secretly want to be on the boyfriend burner seems like nothing but a constant slow burn.

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hawkeye10 wrote:

How is stuffing your feelings working out for you? Not so great right?

Seems like it is time to be clear and honest about what you want, and then wait to see what she says and what she does. Being put on the friend burner when you secretly want to be on the boyfriend burner seems like nothing but a constant slow burn.

That was really well put!

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Quote:

She told me that her friends teases her by pairing me with her. And, she doesn't like it.

So :
- she values her new friends opinion
- she won't stand up for you
- she pushes you aside because of her new friends opinion (in other words, she's embarassed to be seen with you)
- but she wants you to be her secret friend, not displayed to the public.

(note for below : unfortunately there is no tactful way I can think of saying the stuff below)

Sadly, to my way of thinking - she has placed you on the bottom wrung (whatever her protestations) of importance. You have accepted being placed there. What message does that send her about : what you think of yourself, how much you value yourself, your level of confidence...and how she can treat you?

My opinion - There may be other things to like about this girl, but her behaviour in this aspect should for you rule out the possibility of an intimate relationship (for many, it would be the end of the friendship itself). Certainly for most girls, your behaviour (that of you accepting her giving you the lesser status tag) would rule out the possibility that they would consider an intimate relationship.

She may be nice in other respects, but personally I would walk away (if and until she decides that you're worth being seen in public with).

My opinion is there is no chance of any intimate relationship (nor long term successful relationship) should you not do so.

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hellokittygirl777 wrote:

So she "had" a bf. No need to be jealous any longer as she is single. Do you think you are ready to tell her that you want to be more than friends?

I am not trying to hurt your feelings, just trying to help shed some light your way.....

Do you think that she knows how you feel and doesn't want the same? Or she is hiding you because she is afraid of hurting you because she has other male interests and knows that you might be jealous about it?

She knows about my feelings for her. But she doesn't feel the same way as I do for her. It hurts me but since she's one friend who has always been there for me, I have become numb.

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@vikorr

I can understand what you want to say. But I am so close to her that it's like impossible for me to walk out on her. Many of my friends have asked me to do that and I have tried it many a times, but it still doesn't happen. She always comes back and asked for apologies. She asks me if I know the value of myself in her life. Some serious talks happens and I just give away. She always say that that's the way she has been brought up. She hates being linked to someone even if she's her best friend. I know it may sound weird but that's the way she thinks.

Can't be there any solution to this problem of her? Or is it normal?

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[quote="Dtoxikated"]But I am so close to her that it's like impossible for me to walk out on her. [/quote]

I think that is where you are deluded!
Maybe you want to be close to her, but that's about it.

Wake up, you are just making yourself miserable by clinging to your dream!

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I guess you are getting me wrong. I am close to her means that we share such a intimate bond that I can't think of breaking it just like that. We are friends but still more than friends.

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"I don't get into her personal life. She only told me that her boyfriend knows about me. I never asked her."

"I am close to her means that we share such a intimate bond that I can't think of breaking it just like that"

I'm sorry....these quotes do not compute. There is something wrong with your story.

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hawkeye10 wrote:

"I don't get into her personal life. She only told me that her boyfriend knows about me. I never asked her."

"I am close to her means that we share such a intimate bond that I can't think of breaking it just like that"

By the first line I mean I don't get into her boyfriend and stuff. She do tell me about her boyfriend sometimes, I never ask her to.

The second line is quite obvious. She and I are quite close to each other.

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Quote:

But I am so close to her that it's like impossible for me to walk out on her.

Quote:

I am close to her means that we share such a intimate bond that I can't think of breaking it just like that. We are friends but still more than friends.

Quote:

She always comes back and asked for apologies. She asks me if I know the value of myself in her life. Some serious talks happens and I just give away. She always say that that's the way she has been brought up. She hates being linked to someone even if she's her best friend. I know it may sound weird but that's the way she thinks.

Can't be there any solution to this problem of her? Or is it normal?

Hi Dtox,

Firstly, your situation with her is not normal. It is really rather strange. I've never heard of anything like it myself.

Secondly, intimate bonds are something to be treasured - they are rare and valuableso long as the bond is going both ways. One way bonds are usually just painful.

I would ask you to think of your situation this way (it's a favourite topic of mine) - your needs are equally as important as her needs. As much as we would like to help girls we love have their needs metwe have a need to have our own needs met also. When your needs aren't being met by the other, then you need to look after your needs first and only then give to the other. Why? Because if your needs aren't being met, there is no way you can maintain a balanced outlook, and there is no way that you can properly give love to the other (because you will be constantly distracted by an unmet need). And most importantly, because it shows respect to yourself. It is not a "BUT" situation (ie I want my needs met, but I need to meet her needs), it's an "AND" situation (ie I want my needs met, and I would love to meet her needs)

Basically you will have to find out what your needs are from this relationship. If they aren't being met, and there is no chance of being met (and you've given every indication this is the case), then you are only doing yourself a disservice by continuing to put her needs in front of yours - we lose ourselves when we do this, so I don't recommend it to anyone.

That is the major reason I think you should walk away (though it also has the benefit, if she does wake up, that you may then have a workable chance with her).

Lastly, you aren't there to solve her problems (ie meet her needs) at the expense of your own. Yours have every right to be the equal of hers.

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I am just stunned by your reply. I never looked our relationship that way.

When I analyze our relationship over the past few months, most of the times I am disappointed with her. She doesn't intentionally hurt me, but I guess hurts me more than I do.

Yesterday evening she called me up to discuss about what all is going on. She said that she's sorry but she really couldn't help that. That's the way she is and blah blah! She asked me not to get upset over these small issues as at the end of the day I am the guy who she trusts the most.

She show different personalities with different people. I want to get over with this but I'm kinda struck with all this. Is it right to call off with hurting her? I know she will be really hurt if I call off.

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Like Vikkor said...your needs aren't met. Tell her exactly that. It seems to be a one sided friendship most of the time and she has time for you when its convenient for her.

Also like I said before, middle schooler's are worried about what people think of who they hang out with. You are in college, there are so many people on campus and if her other friend are truly her friends, they aren't going to play the little middle school games of teasing her about you or say things that aren't true. Unless of course they are on the same level she is. But I will give them the benefit of the doubt that they can act adult.

She may just wise up if you tell her that you can't stand to be the "secret" friend. Why can she be "linked" to her other friends?? People could start saying that she is lesbian if they only want to "link" her to females. (just an example) Bottom line, if she's so worried about being "linked" to people, then she should isolate herself not let people see her with the same people often.
JMO

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Dtoxikated wrote:

The second line is quite obvious. She and I are quite close to each other.

Ya, about that......I get that you touch each others inner world, and that you both value having someone in your life who can do that. The problem is that real intimacy demands that both individuals be authentic. Neither one of you two are. She can not function in her daily life acknowledging that you are part of it (hiding you) and you can not acknowledge to her that you want her romantically and perhaps erotically. How far this pretending and play acting goes I have no way to know, but I do know that what you are calling intimacy is not that.

Your are stuck in a relationship that is neither friendship nor intimacy. It will continue to hurt until you get to either one place or the other, or break it off, because what you have is warped...it can never function.

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It all sounds bad to me but that's the truth. My needs aren't satisfied and she is one who is getting all the things done. Probably, she isn't just that into me. It breaks my heart to say that. But, I guess that's the truth. I have to move ahead and be the one I actually am.

Thanks for all your opinions and advice. I really appreciate that.

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We're here for ya! Keep your head up, you have a good heart. You will find someone who will respect and treat you the way you should be. When that time comes, you will look back and say "wow, this is how things should be".

You will wonder how you ever went through this, but it will take time!

Smile

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Thanks for the kind words, friend!

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Dtoxikated wrote:

It all sounds bad to me but that's the truth. My needs aren't satisfied and she is one who is getting all the things done. Probably, she isn't just that into me. It breaks my heart to say that. But, I guess that's the truth. I have to move ahead and be the one I actually am.
.

Don't assume anything. Break it off, walk away, and see if she pursues you. If she does you can decide under what terms you are willing to have a relationship with her. Right now you don't have any way to know what she wants or why she did what she did, as she has not been authentic with you.

You be authentic, and then watch what she does, then you will know. Know what you want, pursue what you want.

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