how do i start back at the beginning?

If your husband was into kink when you started with him, you were fine with it then but are not now, his not being willing to go non kink does not make him a bad guy. Maybe he knows what he needs and will not pretend otherwise, this would be a good thing. What needs to be examined is whether you two are compatible, and what has gone wrong with the intimacy. You indicate that you don't believe that he cares enough about you to deal with the real you, and if so this seems like a deal breaker.

However, the fact that you don't trust yourself around him is cause for pause. This would indicate that your head(ego) and your heart (soul)are not on the same page. Make sure you are clear about what you want before you go reordering your relationships. If you need sexual intimacy to be dirty then make peace with that, if not then it is probably time to move on.

The abuse would be the deal breaker for me as well. I can't tell you what to do, but I can advise you the best I can.
When you're living in an abusive relationship, you'll never ever feel good about yourself because he'll make sure of it.

Sex is such a small part of a relationship to me. The quality of the person inside is what matters the most. You deserve to be treated as a human being and not someones personal property.

Life is difficult enough without having to live with an abusive partner!

and so the us soldiers pay a hidden cost, the cost of their women left at home.

it sucks for him, but if hes a real man he can handle you leaving him.

go for gold, never settle for second best. but dont burn any bridges you might need in the future lol..

Black Unicorn--

Trust your instincts. You do not have a good marriage. You should not play-act a welcoming wife when you don't feel like a welcoming wife.

Before he comes home, get the machinery in place for a trial separation. You can't expect a guy just back Stateside to sleep on the couch while you're in the Master Bedroom. Arrange someplace for you to stay.

Talk with your therapist about exactly what you want from your marriage and what your husband must do to keep you.

Planning is essential.

Agreeing with Noddy. Make plans for yourself now and don't wait until the last minute.

Its possible i can stay with my parents when he comes home. SHould i have papers ready to go and be signed? I dont know how to handle this. i know that i dont want to sleep with him or give him the impression that things are fine and dandy. however, i also want to hear him out, although ive decided a divorce is inevitable.

I just want to make sure nothing is going to... go wrong. I dont want to get hurt or go through a bunch of bs trying to get him to sign the papers. He is prone to go into a rage and i wonder how he is going to react to his "everything" walking out when i have never walked away before.

If you're afraid of him, then you need to get out and tell him from a far. Go see a lawyer, who will have him served with the papers.

Don't do this alone!!!!!!!!!! You know his temper better than anyone and you need to make sure you don't put yourself in a dangerous position!!!!

Why does he have to sign papers immediately?

Let him know you'll be staying with your parents until the two of you can work out a future--whether the future is together or apart.

Tell him that you don't want sex complicating the decisions that each of you must make.

You're setting ground rules for the discussion--lots of neutral territory, lots of new beginnings.

well, i think ive made up my mind. I am willing to hear everything he has got to say to me about the issue, because for the first time ever he is actually talking to me now that the threat of me never coming back is a real possibility. HOWEVER, i know deep down that i want a divorce. I know that as bad as it sounds, i have already began to plan the rest of my life without him in it.

I dont want his family getting into our business. His parents (especially his MOM) have always been very nosy and always trying to give an opnion or advice, or telling us that we are handling something "wrong", even though both parents have been remarried and also both parents have had an affair.

anyhow my point is if i dont have him sign the papers asap, i know for a fact that i am going to have a whole family ganging up on me and making me out to be the bad guy. I know that his family hasnt seen any of the abuse happening to me, and they are probably just going to assume i was "using" my husband as a meal ticket, even though i dont even have access to our money without his permission!!!

I just dont want to have to worry about placating a whole bunch of people when i have already decided my choice. New beginnings for me but he can eat my dust.

Also, here is something else that may be important to know.

My parents divorced after my father had an affair. it was a very rough divorce, and it left my mom very bitter and sad. I dont have anyone else to talk to about what is happening with me right now. My closest friend is going on a 3 month "life vacation" to sort out her own problems. My mother, while i love her, is a very judgemental and opnionated woman. I am afraid to disclose what is happening with me to her, but honestly i have no one else to talk to.

My coworkers think my husband and i are doing great. They are always asking me, "i bet youre excited hes coming home" and saying comments like, "youve been such a good wife while he has been away"... it really bothers me because I know i am thinking... planning on leaving him. I want someone who understands what i am going through to talk to, but on my end of the spectrum, the only sounding board i have are my therapists, this site, and my affair partner.

is it fair to discuss my marriage with my partner? I know it probably hurts him to hear about how my husband has treated me, but he is really my only emotional support right now.

When should i "end" the affair? i mean, i am not going to actually... end it because as soon as i have given myself adequate time and sorted myself out i am planning on trying to get back with him...

but when should i leave my partner before my husband comes back? I dont know when i can... i feel like i am going to be EVEN MORE ALONE, if its possible.

sigh.

The general rule and advise would be to completely stop the affair until all the loose ends of the previous relationship are tied up.

HOWEVER. From what you are writing, I just FEEL how lonely you are. I had a period of bone-chilling loneliness in my life, and from that point, I do not see it wrong to keep communicating with the only close friend you have in this matter. There may be a few adjustments - decide on just talking for now, so the sex does not cloud the matter, only email, phone calls or still have him very close. It is very much up to you, because you seem to be feeling from the bottom of your gut, and you seem grounded.

I mean... i know that generally people are trying to just get away from what they did since it is... wrong to cheat on a spouse...

and i am not trying to deny that i did just that. I am only trying to find some insight on how to correct my life and repair the damage my husband has caused. My husband has said i was beautiful twice in the last 3 years. my partner tells me every day. my husband doesnt kiss me at all. My partner will kiss me and hold me for hours and nothing else. i just dont see how i can go back to being nothing and not worth any affection after finally experiencing what it is like to be appreciated and cared for, whether i am trying to be ... interesting or not. ....

I hope i am grounded. i feel like im just crazy.

Some people think it is wrong to cheat, some don't. In your situation so far as I can see there are two things you have to do....1) is to know yourself-what you want and need. 2) is if a relationship must be ended then you must do that honorably, in this case you must provide your husband a full explanation if he is willing to hear it. as for the rest, you need to do what is right for you.

I don't think that we have the ability to judge if your husband is a bad man or not with out hearing his side of the story, it is best to stick with you and your side. You have decided that you are not getting what you need out of the marriage. So what do you do? Do you end it? Do you talk to your husband about your new found needs and give him a chance to meet those needs? Obviously you now know better than to forget about what you need and just do what your husband wants, so we can drop that option.

A lot of what is right for you depends upon how safe you feel. If you are not sure about your physical safety then you would be wise to not live with your husband when he gets back, and perhaps not see him except in a public place or with someone you trust nearby.

Black Unicorn--

One step at a time.

Your emotions have been snarled for years and untangling the snarl will take time and patience.

Would discussing your husband with your lover really clarify things for you? Or would you just be venting?

Personally, I'm a bit old-fashioned. I'd say wait to discuss your husband with your lover until you're formally separated.

"Working things out" takes two people. You feel that your husband is not likely to cooperate--but you should give him the chance. You should also make your terms very clear: no more abuse.

Patience. You'll need a great deal of patience.

Just a side note to what you said, that the new man calls you beautiful all the time. That's is so soothing for a woman's ears and heart! But also, men are known to have their version of a "peacock tail" at the courtship time. I know very few, if at all, who keep doing that 5-10-20 years into the marriage. Maybe there is the wisdom in taking time getting know a suitor, [after any previous relationships are over] - to see, if he keeps it up long term. Hey, my hubby stopped dong the every-day roses after the first child was born. Flowers only on big occasions, and "I luv Us" once in a while now, - and we women - I- are so conditioned that we need to hear it all the time, otherwise we fear to lose validation for ourselves and our relationship. I've done quite a job on myself, trying to uproot those deep ruts of need. I know that my hubby is the rock in my life, that he will do everything and die for his family, that he won't see a beauty queen even if she landed on his head. I KNOW it and I've been learning to appreciate it WITHOUT him constantly parroting about my qualities. To think of it, why in this age of equality the men do not torment us, too, "Why are you not professing your love to me every day? Why do you not mention that I am handsome every day?" If you look at it this way, it looks crazy.

Sorry for this deviation, Black Unicorn, it is undoubtedly great that you feel more appreciated with the new man. I just urge you to see beyond that. Right now, it's hard to appreciate just him, without comparing him to your hubby. If you are going to be with the new man long term, he and you can wait, can't you?

About giving my husband a "chance"- i have put up with many, many, many wrongs that my husband has commited in the relationship. Early on and once about a year ago my husband cheated on me. (this is not the only issue in the marriage) Now, we found a way to somehow over come that obstacle and stay together. However, my husband also has a drinking problem. He often commits these "offenses" while he is DRUNK. and i dont mean, a few beers... i mean, passed out on the lawn yelling at me that he hopes i die and that he regrets marrying me drunk, when i am just trying to help him get up.
What i am trying to say is i think i have given him chance after chance after chance for imrovement and change. And each time he seems sincere but then it quickly returns to the way it is. I am so tired of hoping and then having it snuffed out when he just starts acting the same way again.

I dont feel i have to be a "bad girl" and "fess up" to my husband. Cheating on him, in a way, was an impowerment i have never had before. As much as i love him, i found a way to make MYSELF feel better, as well as finding a new friend, and a motivation to have a better life and be loved the way i feel i need to be loved. My husband would only call me a stupid bitch/whore/slut about the whole deal and would not even hear me out. Only immediately threaten divorce and "taking me to the cleaners" He has always accussed me of cheating in the past, and even if my previous "wrong" cant prove that he isnt right, I know that i have never strayed and never wanted to. besides obviously i was too beaten down to understand that i was worth something more than what i was being given.

Youre right, i dont feel safe alone with him. But he insits that no one else can be there to meet him when he comes home from the deployments. I dont know how to approach the subject. I have decided to have papers drawn before he comes home.

I want to let him know. But how should i? I dont want him to... freak out and commit suicide or lock out our bank account. I am sure he could find a way to leave me stranded with no money, because he is like that. I also dont want him dreading coming back home and having to move in with his parents when he gets back, and hating me for it. But i guess in a way thats not my problem to fix his anymore...

And, while it may not seem much, my partner and i have been seeing each other, as friends for 4 months and as lovers for 2. i think that he has proven he is not just "out to get something". He has been single for a year now before me after his last relationship. it was a 6 month one but still, it shows that he was not rushing into a new one right after and that he has been... selective in remaining my partner. I know that sounds weird but honestly he could walk away at anytime and be with anyone else with no baggage. My partner does not know i am getting a divorce, either. I have left that information secret so he is not thinking i am doing it for him.

or should i tell him. I will keep my relationship with my husband out of the conversation for my partners sake and also to not cloud my judgement.

Also, i have something that im curious about....

Do you believe that astrology has anything to do with compatibility and staying together? Unable to sleep the other night, i did a lot of... astrology research.

I discovered that every description of me being with my husbands sign was very forboding and scarily correct about our relationship. When i compared my compatibility with my new partner, and some old partners in the past, i found my new partner to be the one easiet to get along with. His horescope was also very...accurate for our description as a couple. It was kind of weird but gave me some hope? Does anyone think this in any way could have something to do with my relationships?

If your husband is as you say he is it seems doubtfull that he will sign any divorce agreement, so the timing does not matter much. One thing you do need to do is seek legal aid at your nearest base. Each bases LA is only allowed to give guidance to one of the spouses, so you need to get to the nearest one first. They will be able to assist you with the financial stuff as well as the actual divorce. If you don't have income they will be able to help you get some from him on a temporary basis, and might be able help you get the court to award you some of your legal fees (LA can not go to court with you, and if your husband figures that it is in his interest to make this expensive he well may)

There is no way you should meet him when the plane lands, be with friends or family and agree to meet him at some later date.

In my experiences, once an abuser, always an abuser!

Black Unicorn--

I don't think much of astrology.

As for your husband's return home. He's obviously used to setting the rules and having you obey the rules.

Remember, this is one of the degrading patterns of your relationship that you want to end.

Do not meet him alone. Have someone you can trust--not your lover--with you.

Expecting him to go from the airport/bus station/armory to his parent's house without a word of warning is a bit much. Since you want to end the marriage, you should be the one to find other accommodations.

Take everything you value with you. This makes your position clear--and puts the possessions you value out of reach of his temper.

Consider investing in a cell phone to be used solely for communicating with him. Make it clear that you are no longer a doormat available at all hours for his ill temper.

If you want change, you're going to have to make changes.