how do i start back at the beginning?

Good for you for following through with the counselling regardless of your husbands support. Seeing a counsellor is not a sign of weakness.

Are you dealing with your affair with your counsellor?

So . . . .

Things weren't (and still are not) so good with husband. Now he is gone, and things are bothering you, so you went to couseling to discuss them and other things.

Then your "dream man" enters your life, and now problems with husband are REAL big.

Can you and your counselor just deal with ONE thing - like your phone calls from your husband? He needs to treat you better on the phone, but it sounds like he doesn't even know what to say to you! That is revealing about both YOU and HIM.

Yes, it sounds like you and your husband need counseling. INSIST on it. Do not allow him to say NO. Tell him it is not an option to say NO. (Being in the military, he can follow orders. THIS is an order!)

Make it clear that if he does not go to counseling, there will be consequnces.

Now about your "dream man" - you need to finish up with your husband before you enter into any kind of relationship with another man. He is filling some needs you have right now - but really adding to the problem. This is a FANTASY!! You need to get back to reality.

If he's so great, he will wait until you are free.

Are there children involved, here?

No, there are not children involved in this situation. The military kept us from having them,,, because i didnt want to bring them into a life where their dad was always gone. it is not just when my husband and i are on the phone; when he is home he always wants to do things that i feel i have no say in. He is very controlling and judgemental of all my actions. He criticizes me and makes me cry all the time. Every vacation and every time we go out, we are with his friends or doing it his way. He gets upset when i have contact with people other than him when he is home. I am upset because he cant expect me to cut ties with everyone just because he is home. I live a normal day to day life back home while he is gone, and i think it is unfair to allienate my friends and family... completely that is. (and he wants me to do it completely)

As for my counselor... my "affair" partner is the only person i have in the world right now. My husband and i just fight fight fight. I have no one else to talk to that i am comfortable with. I dont feel right talking to my in laws or my own family about my situation. My husband and i are always worried about one another and always so busy fighting about stupid things, like me not picking up the phone immediately if it rings, and if im not home by a certain time, even if he is halfway around the world!!! But no, my counselor isnt aware of my affair, we are just getting in depth about my husband and my relationship; i didnt know the best time to bring up an affair.

I am just so frustrated that i dont know what to do anymore.

Black Unicorn--

You started counseling because you're under stress and vulnerable.

You're starting an affair because you're under stress and vulnerable.

Unfortunately, your husband is on a mission and not available for improving your marriage, even if he wanted to improve your marriage.

Stop the affair now. Certainly, you have a "right" to be happy, but you married a military man with full knowledge that he would be spending stressful time away from you.

You can't erase the recent past. You can't put toothpaste back in the tube. What you can do is settle down and devote yourself to figuring out exactly who you are and what you want for yourself--not as a wife, not as a mistress, but as yourself.

Get the garbage in your head cleared out because your husband will be coming home to a woman who wants change and he doesn't want change to be necessary.

I am sure there are other military women in the same situation.

Are you living on base?

Is he a career military man? His behavior is not uncommon for "lifers" - They take a really special woman to live with them. They also need to leave their "job" at the door when dealing with wife and family.

You need to tell your counselor about your lover. He/She needs to see the whole picture of what's going on here. I am concerned that you are with holding that from her/him. That shows how co-dependent you are and how you really don't trust him/her.

If your counselor gasps, then find another one. You need a counselor that you can tell anything to!

okay.

Here it goes.

My husband and i, our relationship problems do not stem from his military job. More than anything, they stem from problems in our past that were addressed, but kind of put to the side and never quite resolved. My husband has always used me as a step ladder. now maybe its all my fault, because i havent gotten away from it before now. But its like... i LOVE HIM, so much, and would give anything for his happiness. SO i have always given him MY happiness, in replacement of his own.

He is a very angry, judgemental person. he hates hisself, and constantly brings up his self worth and his past mistakes. My husband has a lot of emotional issues, but he is also one who refuses to talk. It hurts me, because we are married and i feel that i never know his true feelings. Up until recently, when i discussed leaving him, he never really talked about our problems. More like, yelled and berated me. I also never recieved gifts or reminders of his love for me. Now he has ordered me countless presents and i dont want them, because it seems that he is using those as a way of not "accepting" what i am telling him?

WE have been talking in depth about our situation... however, he seems to be taking this as a joke. The next time we talk, after discussing issues and how i feel, he is back to talking about things we are going to be doing together and blah blah blah. Its like he doesnt hear me saying, hey, im unhappy and im about to roll out. He thinks that i want presents and goodies from him, but i really want communication and understanding. I am exhuasted with trying to make him see what i need.

THis is not just a recent issue. THis has been occurring for years, in cycles. He will hear me out, and change for a little while. But then it is like he forgets i ever said anything and it is back to using me as a way to feel better and "self medicate".

I feel like this may be my only chance to live my life the way i want. My husband is coming home soon, but i am afraid of the homecoming. I know he wants me to be there, and he says he has lots of plans for us. The thing is, i dont want to have sex with him when he gets home. I dont want to reconnect on a level like that with him, only to have to hash out all the bad after having something good. I have tried to explain this as well, and my husband sounds very hurt, but WORSE, he tries to "skip over" what i say like it didnt come out of my mouth.

As for my affair, my counselor said we will get to the issue. But right now she wants to focus on what is going on with me and my husband. The man i am sleeping with is not the reason i want out. He is just a bonus to the situation. i have been trying to find an answer to this problem in my marriage for years. Its just it seems it finally came to me that i cant just '"sit by" anymore and just "deal with it"

Sounds to me like your husband is abusive and I'd leave a man who treated me that way.

Been there before and I'll never live like that again.

Hey, it sounds like a situation too bad to stay in. I would leave and divorce your husband. And I don't think your affair man is so great, because if he knows you are married and two-timing on your vows, well, he's not all that great a guy, if you kwim, but maybe he's good enough for the interim until you actually GET divorced and are available to many people... But first things first, then second things second. You need to get out of your marriage. Your husband is not good for you.

[quote]I am a married woman, and i have been for some time now. My husband and i used to be so in love and so happy together. Weve made it through tough times and good times. The only thing is, my husband is in the military, and all of our good times are spaced out and few and far between. His job keeps him busy and always on the go. I love him very much, and i knew that this was how things would be when i married him and also when i started dating him, so i think i should be used to it.
[/quote]

When I read this, I had a story in my mind (something similar, we had recently: Wife has nothing to do at home, is lonely and up popps Mr. Perfect. Now how do I tell my husband I want to leave him?

[quote]I suposse my bottom line is my husband has been ignoring me ... he doesnt like for me to spend time with my friends while he is away, and he is always hunting me down and checking up on me.... He gets mad if i say i am tired and want to go to bed. ... My husband is emotionally abusive sometimes and he is often very paranoid about my whereabouts and such ... He criticizes me and makes me cry all the time ... He gets upset when i have contact with people other than him when he is home.[/quote]

Now that sounds like a TOTALLY different story.
Your husband is controlling and abusive, he does not respect you as a person, and does not seem to be the least interested in any changes.

This whole thing sounds like two of my relationships mixed together:

Current, married to military man, I call it single married mother.
This is difficult, but I knew about it before I got married, and before we had a baby, and bitching about it, really is simply a way to let steam off, occassionally.

Ex, very controlling guy, trying to change EVERYTHING about me, not taking me seriously, and even after me leaving him, expecting everything 'to work out'. Totally ignoring the fact that I had a completely different life, detached from him.

Having the two together sounds like a true hell, and I don't blame you for trying to get out.
However, my suggestion: get your current relationship in order before getting yourself into something new.
This new guy might have opened your eyes, but you might be viewing him with pink spectacles at the moment.
So, wait for your husband to come back, sort out your relationship (no children, so should not be too difficult), continue your sessions with your counsellor, and only AFTER everything has been resolved, start looking for a new partner.

If this man is still in the picture by then, maybe it works out, if not, there are tons of good men out there, and I don't believe in the theorie that there is THE ONE for you!

Black Unicorn--

You and your counsellor have a lot to discuss and explore.

Why did you choose to marry an insecure man? Was it the insecurity that appealed (He would need you) or were you bedazzled by his macho camo?

What sort of woman are you? What sort of man would value the woman you are?

Bohne expressed my feelings exactly, but I didn't have time to write it out last night.

I had an ex that was controlling like your husband. He wasn't like this at all in the beginning and by the time he began to show this side of himself, I was already deeply in love with him and pregnant.

Fortunately for you, there are no children involved. This makes things so much easier because children suffer the most during parental situations and it's nice when you don't have to worry about that.

My ex broke me down with his controlling behaviour and his abuse. Mine was also physically abusive, but the emotional abuse was just as bad.

I suggest you take care of what needs to be taken care of with your marriage first, then if you decide to leave, give yourself a chance to heal, because you're man has broken your spirit over a course of several years and you need time alone for a while to allow yourself to heal.

Then, if your new found spark is still waiting, you can fully enjoy eachother without guilt.

Best of luck to you.

1) And I don't think your affair man is so great, because if he knows you are married and two-timing on your vows, well, he's not all that great a guy, if you kwim, but maybe he's good enough for the interim until you actually GET divorced and are available to many people...

Okay, so i wanted to comment about my affair partner real quick-

I would not say that he is a bad person, or a bad character, because honestly, i am the one who initiated the affair and have kept on persuing it when he has tried to do the ... honorable thing and break it off a few times.

He was just an aquaintance and someone i met off hand.. i was immediately attracted to him and i hit on him several times afterward... one night we ended up at the same party and were trying to get away from the hustle and bustle and some of the people there and we sat in his car and talked for hours and i didnt even realize time had passed when i finally left. It has always been "friends first", unless i have initiated sex or a date. He has left me alone pretty much unless i have been after him up until recently when he has told me he does love me and would like a future with me. he also said that he understands i have a lot of issues to sort and a lot to take care of with my husband and that i am such a special person in need of being treated well, and loved the RIGHT way so that i am happy, but he said even if he has to wait years he knows he wants to try with me.

2) Why did you choose to marry an insecure man? Was it the insecurity that appealed (He would need you) or were you bedazzled by his macho camo?


I married him because i have always been a strong person and so is he. or so i thought. I found "gentle" and "normal" relationships boring and i would always end up doing something to upset the balance on purpose for some excitement. Well when i met my husband, he was the only one i had ever met that could equally be the alpha, if you know what i mean... But he also ended up being the one person who could OVERPOWER me. And somehow i convinced myself that i really liked being HIS... or OWNED. but i know deep down i hate him for how he makes me feel. I never believed it would get out of hand like this. I always thought hed realize what he was doing and see the light. And i never thought it would come down to my sanity like this.

3) What sort of woman are you? What sort of man would value the woman you are?

I am an Intelligent, strong, independent, creative, compassionate, loving, giving, stubborn, opnionated, sexual, spontaneous woman. I have been with other men before my husband, and not all of them were romantic, some just great friends. I find that men are very attracted to me. However, i also suffer from self esteem issues where i hear what they are saying, but i just feel like its not true and I cant see it when i look at myself. Men are constantly hitting on me (i know thats not the measure of worth) or just interested in what i have to say. I would think lots of men would value me... but i just cant see why my husband doesnt. I am exploring the possiblity with my therapist that i have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) I think it may have a lot to do with my willingness for putting up with emotional abuse for years. SO that may make me difficult to deal with and i readily admit that. But i am seeking treatment and i do everything i can.

4) I suggest you take care of what needs to be taken care of with your marriage first, then if you decide to leave, give yourself a chance to heal, because you're man has broken your spirit over a course of several years and you need time alone for a while to allow yourself to heal.

Then, if your new found spark is still waiting, you can fully enjoy eachother without guilt.

How long, however, should i wait to "heal" What if i find that in a months time, i am back to how i was so long ago? Is there a time frame for me to "get better" what time frame should i wait if i decide to leave my husband before seeing my partner again? I sont know about these things....

also... should i sleep with my husband when he comes home? doesnt he kind of have that... right? he is asking me about going on vacation when he gets home. should we do that or get this straight first? I am scared that if i do anything with him i will forget all the bad again until it happens all over again.

[quote="BlackUnicorn"]also... should i sleep with my husband when he comes home? doesnt he kind of have that... right? [/quote]

As far as I am concerned he has no such RIGHT.
Especially if you are thinking of leaving him.

I can't even imagine why you would even consider it.

Clear what needs to be cleared with him and then take it from there!

I am sure your man had been in the military before you agreed to marry him and he was so loving and caring then.I willadvise you revisit how the two of you did things in those days and let him know the pains you are feeling now.ALternatively,be patient with him and engage yourself in a constructive way that adds value to your life and marriage.
You gain nothing by having an extra-mariral affair to fill up the gap created by your husbands absence

I can't give you a time frame on how long it takes to heal because we are all different and it all depends on your own personal feelings.
I'm one of those people who needs a few years between relationships to pick up the broken pieces, especially when there was abuse involved, but not everyone is cut like I am.

You are not obligated to sleep with him simply because you're married to him and I wouldn't if your plans are to leave him.

Nose, this is more than about his absense. This is about abuse as well!

well, my husband seems to think us sleeping together and having ALONE time for a few days will make it... all better. I am frankly petrified of being anywhere with him that i cant quickly escape from. I know how he gets inside of my head and makes me feel so wonderful... but then a few days later i will be just a wreck, sobbing and crying and feeling awful about myself. For months and months i just dreamed of being with him intimately again, but now i realize that the sex with him is another measure of his control. He makes me have... kinky sex, which, i admit i encourage- AT TIMEs.

recently (the last year and a half) it has been all about dildos and me calling myself names (im a dirty slut, i love being gang raped, etc) for him to get any pleasure. I have talked to him about how it makes me feel ugly, and that it makes me feel like he cant enjoy ME unless i am pretending to be someone i am not in bed, and that he must find the real me replusive. He just gets offended and tells me that i am criticizing the way he makes love to me and he will just stop alltogether if "i dont want to have sex anymore"

a part of me wants to tell myself having sex will fix it all... but i know that if i do, i wont be able to leave him and all the preparing for that which i have done will be in vain.

also, we have never really been on vacations together, so a part of me is like, omg i am getting treated nicely!!! And i am excited. But then i remember the trip is basically a bribe.

And one more thing (may be irrelevant?) When i first had sex with my lover, it wasnt very... pleasing to me. The first few times. I wanted him to be forceful and aggressive with me, like my husband has been. However, after about the 3 or 4 time, i realized i was feeling AMAZING after sex, not cheap. and that the sex had made me feel beautiful, incredible, and loved. And the way my partner responded to me and made it his only goal of making me happy, well i guess it opened my eyes to the fact that i was HATING the sex i was having with my husband.

Nose, this has to do with him hurting me. Not his job.

It reminded me of something - one friend of mine knew her husband from when they were 15 years old. So she knew only one man for a long time. When her husband tragically died she started dating, with anxieties and insecurities at the beginning. She learned about different feelings when with a man, and that was a revelation for her. She finally got to know who she is in bed. Well, after a few experiments she did find a man she married. The decision was made not on the sex level, but on the whole package - how gentle and understanding he was to her, how he loved her kids.

What I am trying to say - if there is more points than sex, in that man, that amaze you, you have to listen to your heart. The fact that you are scared of the man you live with, is a big deal breaker. It would be for me.