Feeling vulgar.

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I know this is a pretty rudimentary feeling that women can have.
I split with my bf of 2 years a week ago, and although I am very very happy and know I will be ok on my own, that I don't need a man to be worth something. I am what I am independant of how anyone thinks of me.
I KNOW I am a nice person, and that there is nothing wrong with sex before marriage, and that sexual feelings are natural etc.....

But I still can't help feeling a bit vulgar. Thinking about sex with another guy, is exiting, but terrifying. Maybe in time this will go. I know I should have fun, and I want to, but this is kind of stopping me.
It's not a logical thought, it's almost an emotion, and it's making me feel worthless.
How can I respect my choices?

pq xxxxxxxxxx

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TPQ--

I've know women in their 20's and 30's and 40's--especially in the pre-AIDS's days--to come out of a bad relationship and start sleeping around as an affirmation of self-worth.

You're only speculating about being with other men. Do you feel guilty? Or just overwhelmed with the possibilities of being young an unattached?

You are Woman--and perfectly entitled to Roar Loudly in your own mind.

I gather from another thread that your Ex took a good bit of cosseting and nourishing. You're tired of being Mommie and Best Friend and you'd like to consider Roaring a bit.

Just be careful of STD's and pregnancy. You're not a slut, you're lusty.

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Hey PQ...
I think that I will be the fist one to tell you that this feeling would blow over. You have been seeing this one guy for more than 2 years, been faithfull to him for all that time! The feeling WILL pass in time. You now need to first live a little. As soon as your body and mind is ready for you to be sexual with someone else... they will tell you! :wink:

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You said "But I still can't help feeling a bit vulgar."

So what?? Feelings are just that. You have not acted upon anything, yet.

Enjoy your fantasies and thoughts. Imagine how you want it to be. Let yourself enjoy this time of freedom and expectation.

You may be very sexually frustrated right now BUT the last thing you need to do is to hook up with a guy, sexually, just because you are feeling "hot" right now.

Learn to relieve your sexual tension by yourself.

Dating and going "out there" again to find a new beau needs to be done with a clear mind.

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Noddy24 wrote:

I've know women in their 20's and 30's and 40's--especially in the pre-AIDS's days--to come out of a bad relationship and start sleeping around as an affirmation of self-worth.

And you should let them know that I'm here to help.

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Gee, Joe's always ready to "serve"! Laughing

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Quote:

Gee, Joe's always ready to "serve"!

Serve or swive, all the same for him.

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Thanks guys, i think you're all right and I just need to see what happens. Fun fun fun!
xxxxxxxxx

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Re: Feeling vulgar.

The Pentacle Queen wrote:

I know this is a pretty rudimentary feeling that women can have.
I split with my bf of 2 years a week ago, and although I am very very happy and know I will be ok on my own, that I don't need a man to be worth something. I am what I am independant of how anyone thinks of me.
I KNOW I am a nice person, and that there is nothing wrong with sex before marriage, and that sexual feelings are natural etc.....

But I still can't help feeling a bit vulgar. Thinking about sex with another guy, is exiting, but terrifying. Maybe in time this will go. I know I should have fun, and I want to, but this is kind of stopping me.
It's not a logical thought, it's almost an emotion, and it's making me feel worthless.
How can I respect my choices?

pq xxxxxxxxxx

This sounds familiar. I guess it's comforting to be able to relate. Keep your chin up.

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PQ, you used to be Christian at one stage, right?

If so, your feeling is probably a hangover from those days. Sex is just sex. It does help form bonds between two people, and it does help create intimacy, but it is also just sex.

As you get older you'll also find that people you really like and get along with well, have differing sexual preferences/tastes/practices...some that you'd consider odd, vulgar, tasty, repulsive, fun etc etc...and yet whatever their sexual likes - they are still the same likable, friendly, funny (etc) person....

For that reason, I haven't for a while, comprehended the use of the words : slut, whore, perverted etc etc...sex is just sex. Be yourself, Enjoy it, be choosy or not...and always look after yourself and your mental well being.

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Hmm. Well I thought i'd update this thread.
It's been a couple of months now, and I have slept with a few other people.
I don't feel 'wrong' about it, not at all.

I've been thinking of something slightly different.
It's about the level you respect yourself. Often I'm out, and I'm smashed off my face, and my friends get worried because men will take advantage and I often let them do so.
I don't care as such. It's a bit of fun.
I don't feel abused or anything. I'm as mashed as them, and the non-respect is mutual.
I just think perhaps I should give myslef more respect. Or is that just a conditioned- concept, maybe left over from the part of my life that Vikorr mentioned?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Hi, PQ. I'm one of the women Noddy mentioned, who went into a period of exploration after a romance I missed terribly, before the days of aids and a certain generational reconsideration. It lasted year or year and a half and, as it happened, was right around the time a lot of other women were exploring in the same way. I had a lot of enjoyment and I don't regret it. It was probably an equal toss between self affirmation and self disregard at any given moment. A way of feeling, with some intimacy, even real intimacy, and some just plain sex, some of that even funny. I learned a lot about myself. While I'm not sorry I lived that, I'm glad I moved past it, re-equilibrated. I had one further boyfriend that I didn't love, really, though fond, nor vice versa, really, but we sort of stabilized each other, and could probably still talk (though I'm sure that now the talk would be nearly all about politics.) Then I met my husband. That didn't work out after 20 plus years, but I'm still glad I experienced every minute of our marriage, much of it strong.

What is my point... I'm for experience. I think the deadening part can overtake the exploration. I stopped, not so much by virtue, more from incipient boredom and pickiness, and greater interest in whatever else I was doing, like my work and art worlds, ending up with a kind of integration of relationship and interests of myself and one other person for both of us.

Probably too much information, oh well.

Anyway, glad you updated.

Adds,
I was already a grown up woman at the time of those years and had a moderately strong existing sense of self. I can see that my phlegmatic view on a lot of sexual connection might not be right for all readers.

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Of course this brings up that dreadful movie, something about Mr. Goodbar. That'll put you off.

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I just want to quote myself from another thread-

shewolfnm wrote:

Sometimes there is nothing more to understand then the physical.

I think people ( Both men and women, but more often women..) overthink sex.

We are too programmed to believe that everything sexual has to equal love , or even true mutual attraction... and sometimes sex is just the primal urge for sex and nothing more.

Realizing that does not make you less of a woman, a person, or even a partner ( if you are in a relationship)

Some where along the line of our recent psychological evolution ( the one that tells you you should be happy 100% of the time..) we begun to teach ourselves and others that a huge part of our self woth is tied up in what genitals we have. This is not true.

Men are not 'strong' because they have a penis.

Women are not fragile because they have a vagina.

in fact, we are pretty much equal on many aspects. But who you are and what you are worth are not completely defined by your natural desire to have sex.

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Enjoy yourself. Smile

Dont question what you want and dont insult yourself for wanting sex.
That makes you your worst enemy and the most destructive person in your life.

You dont need a person like that..

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And, vicorr, to be honest, I didn't think of my self as a kind of explorer, though that was a near mantra in those years; I would have thought it creepy. Indeed, I got away from an exploring creepo, as I remember it.
Another perhaps funny or not scene.

It's now that I see myself as exploring then.

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great post by the way osso...

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The Pentacle Queen wrote:

I don't feel abused or anything. I'm as mashed as them, and the non-respect is mutual.
I just think perhaps I should give myslef more respect. Or is that just a conditioned- concept, maybe left over from the part of my life that Vikorr mentioned?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I think you are a-ok, PQ.

You have the smarts to look as these things as they are, and to take responsibility for your side of things, which is the big thing I believe.

I think questioning whether what you are doing is ok to you or not is good, but if you feel ok with it, truly - then you've got all the answer you need.

One day you might find yourself looking for something a little more than what you are looking for now, and when that time comes, your choices will be different.

Again, I really believe the big thing is whether or not you are conscious and take responsibility for how your own decisions make you feel about yourself and whether they are true to you.

This is a shot in the dark, but maybe, sometimes a part of you wants a relationship that is a little deeper - and that is the part that makes you feel a bit "vulgar" ; though I would use a different word to discribe that feeling myself.
Instead of labelling it with a dirty paintbrush, I'd just say that it is that sometimes conflicting feelings we all have at some point in our lives between our Lust (and to act on that) and our more Emotional side to these things (to make love, share intimacy, etc.

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Feeling vulgar.

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