1.25 am son not home

nice!

Whew, I just read through this thread......so glad to hear he's OK and you found hime in one piece.
I have a 16 year old daughter if that's any consolation

Dadpad--

Kids.

First I'd ask for an explanation.

Then I'd reckon the number of minutes you and Mumpad spent going through hell.

Then I'd translate the number of minutes to hours--or days--of punishment.

Since the punishment was incurred by irresponsible behavior, there would definitely be time off for spectacular responsible behavior.

Kids!

Just finished reading. Whew. Glad he's ok.

Trying to think up a punishment. I'll pass. You'll come up with something. Make it a doozy.

I once came home very, very late. My parents locked me out. Embarrassing. And little scary.

Whew!!!!!!!!

Hmmm. Must he really be "punished"? I was him...repeatedly. Never on purpose, but you tend to forget as a teenager that parents may worry about you, you are convinced you're almost adult and in charge of your own life... What worked for me most was realizing that my dad was so worried he was looking for me under bushes with a flashlight, hearing who everybody my mother called, seeing them being up and understanding why they were so worried.
Then again I wouldn't know if punishment works, I was not raised that way. It's a good thing that he is doing his own reflection. Boundaries are shifting when the child is a teenager, so rather than punishment I'd focus on talking it through on the level of feelings, expectations, etc...

(Clearing lump from throat)

Man! I have a 17 YO and he's done this to me a couple of times. Not 3am, or he wouldn't still be here. Anyway, he doesn't really take to grounding cause it doesn't bother him. You have to find out what matters to him most - just like any kid at any age - in order to know what is "punishment" for him.

I love DrewDads suggestion about writing it out. When he gives you a suggested punishment, just remember to double it.

I swear I've aged more in the past 3 years from my teenagers than I'll ever age again. I totally agree with your approach of giving him some space, emphasizing good decisions, and allowing yourself to trust him until proven otherwise. That's one of the hardest things to do.

So glad he's alright... at least until Mumpad gets him.

Hmmm. Just wondering out loud (not being a parent): what does punishment seek to achieve? It delivers the message that I am angry, that the offspring caused me pain and suffering. That I worried. THat I don't want this to happen ever again. Could this message be delivered through some other way than punishment? Sure punishment sucks. It also oftens builds resentment. It's not exactly a bonding experience (naturally). I don't know the son in question, but would sitting him down for a long 1-2 hour talk not deliver those messages, making sure he understands the core of the anger he caused (which is love)? Making it into an experience that brings family closer? Punitive justice sometimes works (deterrents and all), but I believe in alternative programs with built-in support systems.

Dagmarka - It is Saturday. You aren't allowed to bring your good work here.

I'm sure Dad will handle this just fine and more than likely the message you want sent is the one that will be delivered.

But, DANG! You're messing up all the fun we parents have in dreaming up really good "Don't EVER do that to me again!!" stuff. If they are like me, they'll worry and worry and think about what they are going to do when he gets home and then... Be so glad he's alright that they forget.

Sunday morning, dadpad, & I'm just reading this now. I'm mightily relieved you found him! Phew, how upsetting for you & mumpdad!
Not that I'm letting him off the hook, or anything, but this does sound rather out of character for him. Has something been troubling him lately? Do you think he might not be dealing with some problem, or could be in some trouble, perhaps? There's gotta be some explanation! :wink:

(sorry squinney)

... sounds like luuuuv to me. I hope it was for a girl and not a videogame.

Glad to hear he's alright, dp. I've never been much on punishments but I'm learning. I think it would be awhile before I'd let him venture off on his own again. Maybe time for drop offs and pick ups (once you let him out of the house again).

Uh, yeah. I can hear it now...

"But, I was just getting to the next leve, Dad. REally. I couldn't leave until my mission was complete."

We'd all still be wondering to which he was referring.

Yes. He MUST be punished. People who engage in harmful conduct ought to be subjected to consequences in order to rehabilitate them and to deter them from engaging in harmful conduct in the future.

Think of the "runaway bride" who "disappeared" because she had cold feet and went on a bus trip without telling anyone. Or think of Stacy Peterson, the fourth wife of a man whose third wife died in an alleged bath tub accident, who "disappeared" and her suspect hubby says she ran away with another man. Or think of the young pregnant marine who "disappeared" on December 14 and was just today found in a grave in her (alleged) rapist's back yard. During her "disappearance," her own stepmother called her a pathological liar who may have voluntarily disappeared in order to run away from her problems. A disappearance cannot be taken lightly. Nevertheless, those who disappear voluntarily muddy the waters for those who disappear because they were the victims of foul play. This boy's disappearing act ought to be dealt with harshly.

Debra! I haven't seen you here for ages!
Welcome back!

Dadpad, I suggest guilt as punishment. I think he needs to understand how much he frightened everyone. He needs to realize this behavior is not acceptable, it is dangerous and inconsiderate to the family. Tell him how disappointed you are in him and how you thought he was much more mature than this behavior would indicate. He needs to be told that in order to be trusted he must prove he can handle a simple thing like letting his parents know where he is. Explain that his behavior shows that he still more of a child than a young man, and might have to be treated as such. It will help if your wife cries softly into a tissue and repeats over and over "we were so worried, we were so scared" . After he apologizes, and shows true regret, you can chain him to the basement furnace for a few days to hammer the point home.

(So how many more gray hairs did you sprout in the last 24 hours?)

Yes, dag, I think he needs to know there will be consequences to pay if he breaks the rules. Why? Because life is like that.

I don't think we're doing kids any favors by excusing them because "they just did it once," or "he's really a good kid," or "it's a learning experience." Kids test limits all the time, and they need us to be consistent. After all, an employer is not going to understand when they don't show up for work and say, "But, I was almost at the next level!" The police are not going to be impressed when they ticket him for illegal parking because "I was in a hurry, and I was only going to be there for a minute!" The IRS is not going to forgive him because he "forgot" to pay his taxes. If we want to raise responsible adults, they have to know we really mean it when we set limits. Because we're supposed to teach them the way the real world works.

That said, I have an almost-14-year-old, so I am mostly here to take notes. :wink:

11.30 am.

He still hasn't shown up.

Which shows that he knows he has done the wrong thing.

...or that the hangover remedy didn't work....

Any more texting?


How you guys going?