Sexless marriage! Need Help Plz

Quote:

@vikor.. Ive asked for specifics already but her answer to that is "I shouldnt have to give you times and dates and exacts. You know when you are not treating me well. How about all the time" And I would be like "WTF"?? All her answers sre just too cryptic! The last time I tried initiating she said "Do we have to go through this again tonight?" And I stopped and we went to bed.

Hi Playa,

If she doesn't give you specifics, how are you to know. Two points : you can't read her mind to know specifically what she is talking about, and you certainly wouldn't be asking if you already knew.

In regards to her answer - does she want to help you understand or not? And does she want the problems solved or not?

If I may make an observation - you have given up without receiving the answers you need.

The answer to "Do we have to go through this again tonight?" "We have never gone through it", or "I would like to understand why you feel I treat you wrong, and I have never received the information from you about my behaviour that I need, to be able to understand your view", or "You have told me that I treat you wrong, yet not given me an example. I honestly don't know where I'm going wrong, and as it is your perspective I'm trying to understand, I need you to give me solid examples where I can see what I am doing wrong. This hasn't happened yet." etc

Of course, if she just has no interest in the relationship, this discussion doesn't have much purpose...but (from my perspective) it is always good to run things out to their natural conclusion...so that if you do have to leave, it can be done without regret (or at least have the regret minimised to the best possible level).

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playa4life wrote:

Don't wana go outside the marriage, even though the wife has given me the ok to do so! I know that it seems like I am a walk over but by now I am just so tired of always arguing about sex or trying to initiate sex or any intimacy for that matter. You would never believe how TIRED I am of all this. I never imagined that marriage could be such hard work.

You can't conserve your way to a solution. You can cut the energy expended by deciding not to fight for sex anymore, but it will not help with the power generation side of the equation. How are you going to get back to feeling energized and whole without the ability to be sexual with your wife??? You need a plan before the battery runs out of juice.

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hawkeye10 wrote:

Be prepared for a long wait, as in forever. Once marriages go sexless and the person who wants sex agrees to the plan it tends to set into concrete. Some guys in these situations pursue sex outside of the marriage, sometimes with the knowledge and consent of the wife, sometimes not. It is either that, or learn to be OK with no sex. Once you agree to no sex (even if it takes the form of no longer demanding it) you must be prepared for the next bridge....deciding to go for outside sex or learning to ok with never being able to express your erotic self.

Are you for real? What odd advice!

No marriage is written in stone, and when one partner has exhausted
all his resources and is short of making a complete fool out himself,
while the other is still indifferent, then the end is near! Should he scrub
her back every night in return for nothing? I think not!! That's ludicrous!

No one should remain in a loveless marriage - period!!
Both partners have responsibilities in a marriage (in case you have forgotten) and if one decides not to uphold its responsibilities, is not
willing to work on it (counseling) then there is nothing left to mend.

For p4life comes the time to assess the situation, tell his wife of the
consequences, and leave!

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CalamityJane wrote:

Are you for real? What odd advice!

I am for real, and FYI no advise was given in the quote mentioned. Having been in the CSA survivor community for 20 years i have come across a lot of guys who have stayed in sexless marriages for decades, and don't regret it, though they do need to make adjustments. Why do they do it? I don't know, i and know that i refuse to do it, but I live my life only. I try to not assume that I know better than other people what is best for them.

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hawkeye10 wrote:

I am for real, and FYI no advise was given in the quote mentioned. Having been in the CSA survivor community for 20 years i have come across a lot of guys who have stayed in sexless marriages for decades, and don't regret it, though they do need to make adjustments. Why do they do it? I don't know, i and know that i refuse to do it, but I live my life only. I try to not assume that I know better than other people what is best for them.

Then you have to realize, that p4life doesn't want to remain in a sexless
marriage. This is why he came here to ask for advice, didn't he? To
suggest to stay in a sexless marriage, doesn't really help him, does it?

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CalamityJane wrote:

Then you have to realize, that p4life doesn't want to remain in a sexless
marriage. This is why he came here to ask for advice, didn't he? To
suggest to stay in a sexless marriage, doesn't really help him, does it?

He has also said that he does not want to pursue sex outside of marriage and he does not want to keep pressuring his wife for sex. We don't know what he does want to do. I have never said word one about him staying or going.

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Hawkeye, he's only 27 years old, of course he's not wanting a life of
continued celibacy. Frankly, I know very few men who would! Confused

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CalamityJane wrote:

Hawkeye, he's only 27 years old, of course he's not wanting a life of
continued celibacy. Frankly, I know very few men who would!

A situation that he will deal with when he is good and ready, not before. An ultimatum would make most people's top ten list of possible solutions, but you act like it is the only one.

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I think he's exhausted all his resources, that is if you read his post carefully.

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CalamityJane wrote:

I think he's exhausted all his resources, that is if you read his post carefully.

However, what he has not learned yet, nor have you apparently, is that the number of options is fully a function of the boundaries of ones imagination.

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What I have learned - unlike you - is that you need two to tango.

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@ CJ and Hawk:
I have come to the conclusion that the wife doesnt want to be in this marriage anymore. I also wont stay in a loveless/sexless marriage for the sake of my daughter. I feel that would do more harm top her than good. I dont want to cheat on my wife but at the rate things are going now I can only see it heading there eventually and I dont ever want to be branded as a "Cheater". For a long time now it hasnt even been about the sex anymore... its gone much deeper than that coz I can now see that this woman doesnt respect me in all aspects of this marriage. Not just that, she doesnt respect me period... I think!! I really think that we would get along better as friends and parents to our daughter that as husband and wife. This saddens me but I think that it is time to cut my losses and move on! Sad

Thanx for the words guys!! Appreciate it!!!

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Sexless marriage! Need Help Plz

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