Sexless marriage! Need Help Plz

Take her away for a romantic weekend.

If that doesn't do it - call a lawyer or counselor.

Playa: are you currently working yourself?

You think her friends (that you know) would not be keeping an affair from you?

Think again.
A friend of mine had an affair!
Everybody felt real bad for her boyfriend, since he is a really nice guy,
and since the boyfriend knew the guy she was cheating with.

But NOBODY told him.
I did not either!
In the end I did not think it was my place...

@bohne: I know that they are her friends and that I really shouldn't expect too much from them. Anyway... I still cant help shake the feeling.

@bill: yes I do work. I work shifts so that is why I have so much time on my hands to do the housework. Sometimes I get home at 8 in the morning and will do the housework before I go to bed; wake at 5 to pick little one up from daycare; start dinner and clean kitchen; after dinner go to work. I have more time to do these things than she does. As soon as she gets home from work it is: eat; have a smoke; a bath; bed.

@sully: been there... done that... She reckons that I shouldn't think that just coz I am taking her away for the wknd or take her shopping etc that Im gonna get lucky.

@swimpy: I can just echo what jane is saying... she always has an excuse about going for counseling or, according to her, she is not the problem... its ALL me apparently


@jane: I am done begging... Im kinda just waiting it out now! Not waiting for sex but waiting for this to blow up. Its gonna happen sooner than later... I think


@noddy: she is always saying that she is not happy in the marriage and that I don't make her happy anymore. She has brought up divorce a few times but I would argue that. I am done arguing it now and I am kinda secretly thinking about it.

@beth: i don't think he knows. Also I don't think that she is really that tired. Its just a convenient excuse not to sleep with me! ... at least according to me If she was SO tired then she wouldn't go out with her friends when she does get the opportunity to have an early night! Plus she is in bed by 9 - 9:30 every night. I only go to bed at about 10:30 after I've done the dishes.

@kitty: the guy she befriended, was a her old job. She left that job after we got married and had the baby. You know what p!sses me off most about this is that after I found out about the guy, she would still meet with him for lunch breaks at work. She even suggested that she introduce the two of us and I would see that he is a "great guy". Up till today she still hasn't apologized for the affair.
I think this woman is driving me crazy!!!

@ALL: i know that she is taking me for granted. I hope and pray that we can make it work for the baby's sake at least! don't get me wrong... I don't intend staying in a marriage just for the sake of the child. I strongly believe thats the worst thing to do to a child!
If only my parents thought this... then my siblings and I wouldn't have to go through our parents going through a divorce at age +50... Would have been easier to have gone through it at lets say age 12...

Thanks for the ears peeps... Helps to hear different opinions and solutions!

PS: I am not trying to make my wife out to be the villain and myself out to be the victim. But this is really; honestly what it is like at home. My older sister, to whom we are both very close, has already picked up on my situation and has said that as much as she loves my wife, I should rather leave her and try and find someone who is going to appreciate me and the things I do more than my wife.
I don't know anymore!!!!

It seems to me that you have two choices. 1. Unilateral choice -You stay in this marriage and tough it out or you get a divorce. 2. You can be an adult and ask your wife to join you in making adult decisions about the future of your marriage.

So far, from what I've read, neither of you is acting like an adult.

Thanx for the comment swimpy...
When you say that neither of us are acting like adults... What exactly do you mean? Coz as far as I am concerned I am trying to act like one and my wife not! I try talking to her about this and she ducks and dives trying to avoid the questions and the situation! I am not out there cheating on her or having sex with any woman that would have me. i am here to seek for a possible solution. If the wife doesn't want to go to counseling, what more can I do or say to get her there? Drag her by her hair? Adults speak about things and kids avoid confrontation!
PS: My reply might sound like an attack on you but it IS NOT!!!
Thanx for the comments swimpy I really do appreciate all!!

Have you told your wife that you don't think you'll be able to continue in the relationship with her?

Have you asked your wife what you could both do to improve the relationship?

Have you considered going to counselling on your own, determining whether you will be able to continue in the relationship, making plans as to how you and your daughter would live?

I see that you've posted that she ducks and ignores your efforts to talk.

Could you tell her that since she doesn't want to talk with you about this, you are going to a counsellor on your own, to get some input?

Just leave it there.

Let her initiate any conversation after that.

@swimpy: don't wana go the divorce route yet... still have to think about my little daughter! I guess you could say that I am stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place!

@beth: I have told her that things need to improve else I only see this marriage not working. According to her all I need to do first and foremost is to stop pressuring her for sex. I haven't thought of going to counseling alone... good point beth! I have always thought that in order for it to work that we both should go! If I do go alone, then wouldn't that mean that I would be "improving" alone? Shouldn't it be a joint venture??
My daughter is my everything!!! I think about things 100 times before I say or do them. I always consider her well being and her little feelings before I commit or do anything!

It would be best if you both wanted to work on the relationship, but if she doesn't want to, you can also use the counselling as an opportunity to develop your own plans - for you and your daughter.

Your wife may see how serious the situation is if you take the iniative to start going to counselling without her.

Thanx beth... will definitely look into this! My job has an EAP that deals with this kinda thing.

I think you are starting to see the light, play4. You can't talk, whine, beg, cajole her into seeing things your way. You have to take some action. Going to see a counselor on your own is action. You have to stand up and say, "things have got to change and this is what I'm going to do about it." Then do it. The only person you can change is yourself.

Dude... let me get this straight: You haven't got any in 8 months from a woman who's flat out told you to look elsewhere. (This same woman who was cheating on you, the very last time this came up… and has never apologized.) Meanwhile; you frequently leave for work after dinner, and don't come home till morning. She on the other hand is crazy tired for some mysterious reason, despite going to bed right after coming home from work most nights. Right? Are you shitting me? I'll spot you two hands and a flashlight; see if you can figure out what you're supposed to find… (you need not be the jealous type to read graffiti.)

I havent laughed so loud in a long time! I hear what your saying, but I'd hate to think that she would have a guy come over as soon as I leave and then go boinking him with my lil one in the next room! I know that this kind of thing happens... but... I dont know anymore!
Thanx for looking out for me Bill...
Maybe I'll "surprise" her with coming home early one morning!? Dunno yet... lets wait and see what happens bill!!!

PLAYA4LIFE: PLEASE READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I KNOW "EXACTLY" WHAT UR WIFE IS GOING THROUGH!!! IT IS YOU--TO HER!!
From what you're describing, your wife and I share similar emotions and actions. I've been married now for almost two years and just about everything you are describing is what I'm feeling and how I'm acting towards my husband, right down to the "fling" thing--for me prior to marriage.
You need to get this right before its toooo late. You are losing her and she doesn't think you care!! You forgave her for the fling , but did you show any emotions towards it--really intense emotions?? This situation is very serious, but alot of people cannot relate. Trust me--just talking to friends, they will find it confusing. I forgot who but someone in the post gave the perfect solutions. Take your time with her be patient, but not STUPID! Meaning...don't let her get away with ALL of these things because you love her, she is thinking the opposite!!

She wants you to share your most intimate details with her, from the way she is 'truly' making you feel when she goes out to the 'true' way it makes you feel when she isn't giving you any. She seems to be a very perceptive woman, maybe too perceptive for her own good, so she is coming up with her own conclusions--she is probably out right now looking for a man who can take control. I can almost guarantee it!! Once she's too far gone, you may never be able to connect with her again. She'll cheat openly and you will probably start to cheat, as well, holding out as long as you guys can to prevent divorce for your child. But inevitably that will be the case--and it will be bitter!!

You need to tell her the truth, "Hun, Im horny. You haven't given me any in a long time. Everytime I look at another attractive woman, I think of fuc*ing. (Most importantly) But when I think about it, I look at that other woman and say, 'She can't compare to my wife.' Then I start to think about you--you in the shower, you on top of me..."

Be a manly man!!!! That's what she's probably looking for if she's acting like that. She wants you to come and get her! Like the other post said, start suprising her take it slow. Flowers in her car when she leaves from work, even if you have to leave work to secretly put them in there. Kiss her knees at night, while you ask her what she likes having done to her. (MOST importantly, Tell her what you like having done to you. Be very serious, no giggling on nervousness. Look her in her eyes and tell her how she's making you feel and make her make it up to you. (All this over a 2 week time frame --not all in one day, obviously)

There's sooo much else I can say but it would take all day to school you to your wife. P.S. Many women won't be able to relate to this! I know its crazy , but my husband and I are, at this very moment, going through the same thing. We have a 7-yr old (not his) and a 2-month old. No medical treatment--its probably NOT postpartum. But once you do the above, AND if you happen to make it back on her good side, counseling would probably work to seal the deal. YOU must be open and honest and when she starts to come out of her shell, be prepared for ANYTHING!! She might blow you away with what she has to say and/or what she has 'done' to make herself happen throughout the turmoil. Remember react, but do NOT over-react,and accept it, if you want ur marriage and remember to not be sooo passive--even when it comes to where to eat dinner. (**Breathing heavily, out of breath**)

Indub...

I hope you understand that you can't possibly know exactly what his wife is going through. It may be as you say 'like/similar to' your experience, or, as you don't know Playa's wife, and it's only his version - it may be entirely the opposite.

Playa, you said your wife tells you that you aren't treating her properly. Have you asked for specific behaviours? And have you asked what's changed since you got married? Tell her you're confused, and you're trying really hard to understand her point of view...but unless she gives you specifics, just how are you going to understand?

It quite possibly may be as Bill says, and you may well have tried asking for specific examples.

The next time I heard "don't think you're getting lucky" after I did something nice, I'd personally be asking "Does it always have to be about sex." and "Am I not allowed to treat you nice?"...

... and perhaps specifically"When I'm attempting to treat you nice and you say "you're not going to get lucky" I become discouraged with the idea of treating you nicely this way in the future...because I come to associate my attempting to treat you nicely with the negativity I hear in your words. I am very discouraged, and if you are willing, I would like to sit down with you and discuss how we can treat each other lovingly without either of us giving the other hurtful/discouraging (whatever you feel appropriate) comments in return.

My wife being a survivor of extreme childhood sexual abuse it was probably inevitable that sex would be a problem, and it has been at times. I catch all kind of h*ll for this in the survivor community but my approach has been that some thing has to work because no sex is a no-go, it ain't happening.

My approach is not always the same. Some times I have asked her to tell be all of the things that need to happen over a period of a couple of days that would allow for sex. These would be things like days off from work, a nice dinner, me taking care of what ever the kids need and so on so that she could get herself in the mood. i then would set up a time were everything on the list can get done by me. Then it gets down to "Ok, I did my part, now you do yours". This caused her to run out of excuses plus it showed her how important sex is to me, and after awhile she also considered it a caring move. A lot of the things on this list were pampering her, plus she got the impression that i cared about the marriage enough to go to some rather extreme measures.

A steady diet of me going ten extra miles in a deal is a bad idea though. sometimes I took after mama....as in the saying "if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy". There is going to be no peace until we figure something out. Then she comes back with " you are pressuring me for sex, the counselors say you are not supposed to do that" to which I say "yep".

it all boils down to what you are willing to put up with, how well you know your needs, and how well you know your wife. There is no guide book for this stuff.

hey peeps:

@indub... Ive tried most of the things on your list but still nothing. I will never pressure her so much so that she eventually gives in to me but then have her just "lay" there. That would make me feel more like a rapist or something like that. I am done prssuring her now. We go about our daily routines; I treat her as she wants to be treated; I am not holding out for sex anymore. I think that I have become detatched from my wife! I went to see someone from our EAP and did what they said and still nothing. She plays along when I do things for her. Then I maybe have to wait for a period of time so that she can "come around" and that wait lasts a long time untill I eventually stop with the program. She still doesnt want to join me in the counselling.
At the last meeting I went to they said that I should start by running her a bath; then wash her; then dry her; massage her; etc. and not initiate sex. Go to bed and just hold her. I did this for about 2 weeks and then it seemed like she was just expecting me to do it every night. She still hasnt initiated any intimacy. The most I get from her is a peck on the cheeck at night and maybe one in the moring. I dont even try kissing her anymore coz she looks like a deer caught in the headlights anytime my lips comes close to her. She also cant wait to get away from me at that time. I think that divorce is on the horizan. it really doesnt seem like she wants to work on the marriage anymore and that she is only in it for the financial security.

@vikor.. Ive asked for specifics already but her answer to that is "I shouldnt have to give you times and dates and exacts. You know when you are not treating me well. How about all the time" And I would be like "WTF"?? All her answers sre just too cryptic! The last time I tried initiating she said "Do we have to go through this again tonight?" And I stopped and we went to bed.

@hawk... I also felt that I am going all the extra miles and still getting nothing... So... for now... I think im done! Im just gonna wait it out now!

Hummm, you get the commitment BEFORE you do the extra miles, and the date for the sex and the quality of the sex must be defined. If I am going ten extra miles then we are having good sex for at least an hour.

Be prepared for a long wait, as in forever. Once marriages go sexless and the person who wants sex agrees to the plan it tends to set into concrete. Some guys in these situations pursue sex outside of the marriage, sometimes with the knowledge and consent of the wife, sometimes not. It is either that, or learn to be OK with no sex. Once you agree to no sex (even if it takes the form of no longer demanding it) you must be prepared for the next bridge....deciding to go for outside sex or learning to ok with never being able to express your erotic self.

In my view marriage is supposed to aim for equality and disputes should be resolved with negotiation. when it comes to sex where is the equality and negotiation? You are getting run over and you just stand there and act like this is all Ok with you. She will continually back the truck up and run you over again until you decide to stick up for yourself. You have in my opinion be getting some bad advise, who ever told you to keep giving even if she refuses to give you anything.

Don't wana go outside the marriage, even though the wife has given me the ok to do so! I know that it seems like I am a walk over but by now I am just so tired of always arguing about sex or trying to initiate sex or any intimacy for that matter. You would never believe how TIRED I am of all this. I never imagined that marriage could be such hard work.
Thanx for the words dude!