Sexless marriage! Need Help Plz

Hello playa4life and welcome to a2k

Well, it looks like your wife is not willing to uphold her end of the
bargaining. Entering a marriage comes with responsibilities and pleasures,
and both you and your wife should sit down and assess what is important
in your marriage and what you expect from her, and she can expect
from you.

If she is unwilling to go to counseling with you, telling you to seek sex
outside of the marriage, then why is she married to you? For the financial
security?

Regardless of the outcome, you need to talk to her and explain to her,
that her continuation of rejecting you will have consequences, and then
stick to it.

What are the concequences so far?

You try harder.

Time to sit and chat. First you need to get straight what you are and are not willing to tolerate, and what it is exactly that you need. Not simply "more sex"....real specific.

And instead of bending over backwards when she pulls away, you might try a different approach.

But what do I know. ? Not much.

Oh Dear . . . . you said
"I don't think that its normal for my wife to be telling me that I should rather try and get sex outside of the marriage coz she has lost interest in sex!"

Neither do I.

She has a father for her baby. She does not want a husband, apparently.

You need to talk to a counselor - then a lawyer - in that order.

With or without her.

playa4life, It could be post-partum depression. Ask you wife to see a doctor first before you decide to end your marriage, please.

Hey all...
The wifde and I have spoken over the weekend and I addressed the issue. She reckons that this is all my fault because, according to her, I don't treat her right and don't make her feel special enough for her to want to be intimate with me. She also says that she is "unhappy" in this marriage and that it is all my fault. Now really guys, I haven't changed at all since we've gotten married. About a year ago she used to first say that the only time that I touch her is when I want sex... then I stopped touching her because whenever I would start, she would cut me off straight away saying: "dont think hat you gonna get lucky just because I am playing along..." that would totally turn me off and I would stop. Then after about 3 months of me not initiating any kind of intimacy she started accusing me of cheating! Theres just no winning with her.
I've spoken to her about councelling or seeing a medical doctor but she insists that its all me! I really dont know what to say or do anymore. This routine is killing me! Routine: I get into bed; she turns her back; I try and initiate; she says no...! I must admit that since this has all starte , my attitude towards her has changed. I really need some advice guys.
PS: Thanx for the advice... If you need any further info regarding my marriage, dont hesitate to ask.

I'm glad to see that at least your wife spoke to you about this. But this CANNOT be all your fault. If you are doing all the things you mentioned above, how are you not making her feel special? That certainly would make me feel special.

Of course I don't think its right that she tells you to find sex outside the marriage either! Like posted on here earlier, sounds like she has a father to her child and wants the financial security of you.

Does your wife work? Does she tell you what you are not doing to make her feel special?

You must win back her trust and woo her again.

Make a deal with her: For a while, just cuddle and petting (non sexual) Massages, rubbbing, stroking. Just cuddle. Promise her that there are NO expectiatons that this move into ANY sexual activity. Bring her chocolates and flowers.

Then the next week or so. more cuddling, only AT HER suggestion, can you move your hands otherwise. Let her be in control. If she wants ANY sexual touching, then she can direct you that way. Feed each other in bed (pizza and chocolates)

The next week, mutual sexual petting. Let it lead where is wants to AT HER CONTROL.

(If you are sexually frustrated, keep yourslf in your own hands, if you know what I mean)

@kitty: She does work... in fact she is always complaining about being too tired coz of work! She doesn't even do hard labour at work! She is a Visual Displays Decorator!!! I cant help but think that its all just excuses for not sleeping with me! I've also started thinking about the financial side of this. Makes sense but I don't think... at least I hope that thats not the only reason she is staying with me! I just cant shake the feeling that maybe she could be seeing someone??

@sully: Believe it nr not, but I have tried everything! And when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING! When I tried what you suggested, it either ended in her telling me that now I am putting more pressure on her sexually but just in another form or when I would wait for her to initiate things... well lets just say that its been 8 months (going on 9) and I am still waiting!
PS: She has always been in control of our sex life! She calls the shots and I have no problem with that. As long as she is satisfied sexually then so am I!
This whole ordeal is turning me into someone I don't like! I cant even look at another woman without thinking about sex! I cant even look at her without resenting her for what she is making us go through!
Is it wrong of me to say that if things don't drastically improve then I am hitting the road? When I got married I didn't imagine that my marriage would end up like this. It is also affecting the way we are starting to converse with each other! She wont be nice to me coz it seems that she is afraid that i might portray her being nice as an invite?!?

I know that I am giving you details in drips and drabs but as your comments come through then it just reminds me of something else...
Be patient with me peeps as this is the first time that I am speaking about this! I cant exactly talk about this with my boyz... (not a night out with the boys conversation...)

As I was telling someone else earlier about a situation where my friend started cheating on her bf with someone else. She did start to blame him for not being there for her and the sex stopped.

Does she give you any other reason why she may be cheating? Other then just no sex and blaming you for everything. A guilty person blames someone else when they are doing wrong so that they don't feel the guilt.

I am not trying to say that she is cheating, but its a possibility. Have you ever decided to try and show up where she is out with her friends to see whats going on? Or just have a friend check it out for you? Does she go out alot?

Hi playa, when was the last time your wife went for a full medical?

When did she return to work?

@kitty: I am not the jealous type and refuse to sink to that level of snooping around! I have thought about it but wont do that. i don't even check her SMS's when they come through on her phone.
She does kind go out frequently with girlfriends from work. I know them and don't think that they would keep something like that from me... i hope they wont i would just like for her to come clean if it is so!
this has all the makings of the last time this happened! We were still courting and she started blaming me for everything and the sex stopped. Same time she started a new job and befriended some guy at work. I had no problem with this until his name always started popping up in conversations. After months of saying that nothing is going she eventually told me that they were having a fling. Also said that it was my fault coz I kept on accusing her of it!...
Now I am even more confused

@beth: she had her check up about 2 weeks ago... no probs found...
She returned to work about a year ago!
Why do you ask??

@swimpy: do you really think that post-partum depression could last so long? She isn't showing any other signs of this!

I wondered if your wife is just really tired from the combination of home and work. Sounds like it could be. Work doesn't have to be physically demanding to make you really tired - and not in the mood for anything but sleep.

@beth: maybe... but I do almost everything at home now coz she is too tired and nothing gets done. i cook; clean; do laundry; take kid to daycare; pick kid up; do dishes; etc. The only thing I dont do is windows!!

Funny you mentioned that she befriended a male at work. I just sent this post on to another thread on here that had this similar situation......here is my friends story. His was pretty damn close to hers and he wasn't sure if she was cheating:


My friend, Madison, was dating a wonderful guy for about a year, lived with him, plans of marriage, the whole nine yards. He had a child to a previous and every Friday night when the office would go out to the bar, her bf was unable to go because he had his daughter and it was the only night that he got to spend some quality alone time with her.

During that time, Madison started talking with one of the guys Mike that she didn't really care for much in the office because he was arrogant and cocky. But she found out that they had a lot in common---music, tv shows, movies, etc. and found out that he wasn't that bad of a guy.

To make this really really long story short.....Madison started doing the same thing your wife would be doing, confided into Mike (who was married and when the "friendship" started, she was pregnant), went to the bar often without her bf and just him, text msg's, emails, phone calls. She was very open about it to her bf that they were "friends" but she did in fact start a relationship with him. Even though her bf was a wonderful man and basically worshipped her, she found it necessary to start a relationship where they started sleeping together, going everywhere together, if she was not having a good day, she would go and run to him and let her bf know where she was going but still insisted that they were just friends and since she didn't have many friends....he should understand. Of course the rumors started flying and they denied it the whole time and it just made her bf look awful!

The evidence was so clear and she denied all of it every time it came up and would start the whole conversation about " how can you not trust me". She would just then start to push blame on him because she felt that the daughter was getting in the way (it was just her excuse to make him feel guilty).

He finally started "checking up" on her when she said she was going tanning ( another coincidence), over to her only female friends house, when she would house sit for her boss......of course his car was always present.

In the end, he found emails that couldn't be denied because they did the text msg thing and blamed it on "accidentally" sent to her rather than his wife.

I just hate to see you go through what my friend did to a friend of mine. It was so difficult......we all worked together which I am not sure if I mentioned it. So Mike was her bf's boss and Madison was a manager of another department.

I also want to add that my friend had been cheated on in the past and said she didn't want to go down that road because she knew how it tore her apart. But she did it anyways

Does the doctor know that you are doing most of the housework because your wife is too tired? it seems odd that she'd pass a physical that easily in that case. Would your wife agree to you going to see the doctor with her? - Let her you're worried about her health.

Playa4life--

As the cliche goes, since your wife doesn't want to be part of the solution, she's definitely part of the problem.

She has made it clear that she considers the sexual part of your marriage is over.

Seek satisfaction elsewhere? Why not look for a more accomodating wife?

Have you discussed divorce?

It's degrading to have to beg for sex and be rejected over and over
again. This spiel shouldn't be part of a marriage, and if your wife is
unwilling to seek a solution, I would also say that she's part of the
problem.

You can do only so much, if your wife is not interested, you might
as well look for someone who will appreciate and love you.

Yes, I do think post-partum depression can last that long, especially when coupled with the kind of tension you are describing at home. I strongly suggest you and your wife return to her doctor together and discuss your situation honestly. Her doctor may be able to help directly or suggest a counselor.

Swimpy, she doesn't want to see a doctor or go to counseling.