I am recently married....need some help!

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Hello!

This is my 1st post here and I am new as of today. Here is my problem. I just recently married my husband about 6 months ago. We dated on and off for about 3 years and then we got back together and got married. When we were dating, I lived near his family which is 5 hours from mine. When we broke up the last time, I moved back with my family. To make the long story short, he took the jump and moved here which is 5 hours away from his 5 year old daughter. He was seeing her about every other week but since we are down to one car, he hasn't. The problem is, I found out that he was cheating on me with his ex that he has the kid to. Now she is a crazy crazy person who makes it impossible at times for him to see his daughter. I know he's not happy in this area, but is happy with me, misses his daughter so very much and his ex is always causing drama. She will call me and say that he's moving back, use her myspace to leave msgs to me to say that their love can't be broken and she knows that they will be a family again.

I am going through a lot right now. I love him with all my heart, it kills me to know that he cheated but he's been here with me. Sometimes I think he talks to her more than I know and thats why she says these things.

I need some advice....what would you do in this situation? Let him go, work it out like he says he wants to even though I think he is just trying for the sake of trying? Things seem to go good but I am afraid that he's going to leave soon. I didn't mention that he's taking care of my dying grandfather and I think he just can't leave at this time because that would just be horrible.

Sorry if I seem all over the place, I am just a little nervous and confused.

Thanks to all who reply

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Are you positive he cheated? Did he admit it? Don't take the word of someone else telling you he did.

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He admitted to me that he did and it was the biggest mistake. She will not let him see his daughter and I think she holds that over him and I know he wants to be a family, but maybe he did it to see if something was still there. He doesn't talk to her that I am aware of and he tells me that its me and treats great and reaches out for me. But the other part of it is, that with my grandfather dying who is like my father, I just wonder if he is trying to be my support.

Maybe I shouldn't worry so much and just take it one day at a time and not dwell on this mistake he had.

Sorry, I just have so many thoughts and so open to listening to everyone else.

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Is he paying child support? If so, he can enforce visitation rights.

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His ex cannot hold seeing the kid over him assuming he has court approved visitation rights. If he claims that is why he talks to her and slept with her, then of course he is lying to you.

I would be concerned that after only 6 months of marriage he has already cheated on you with an ex with whom he had a child? Personally, I would suggest kicking him out of the house and filing for divorce because I doubt things are going to get better. But, if you just cannot part with him, then I would insist he take you with him when he goes to visit the kid. I would insist that any meeting between him and the ex include you.

Of course, I think there is a bit more to this story than you are saying, which may well change my opinion/advice. I am assuming he was not married to the mother of his child and that he was not cheating with you while he was with her.

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He does pay child support and has normal visitation but if his daughter wants to spend more time after what his time should be over, the only way he can is if SHE is around. She has cut herself and said that he did it (we were out of town during that incident), hit herself repeatedly on our front door steps (we never answered the door) went down to the police station and got a PFA against him at one time.

She just keeps sending me msgs that they are going to be a family again and nothing will get in the way and since I know he hates this area, I fear that he may leave this area to be closer to his daughter.

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CoastalRat,

I completely agree and thats the terms I have set up with him regarding seeing his daughter. No they were not married and he did not cheat on her to date me. They were clearly finished at that point.

There really isn't much more to it than I fear he may go live back there and the marriage will be done.

My big thing is, do I wait to see what happens because I can look past this mistake or do I just let him go because I have a "gut" feeling this is what he wants to avoid further heartache.

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Ok, I take back everything I wrote earlier. She sounds like a nut job.

So get used to it. If you want him, she comes as part of the package due to his daughter.

But I still think the fact that he cheated on you after less than 6 months is a bad omen.

By the way, welcome to A2K. And sorry if my first response seemed harsh or flippant.

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Thanks CoastalRat. I appreciate any words of advice. I am not opposed to the hard awful truth at times.

Yeah she does comes with the pkg and I knew that I just didn't think it would of turned to this and he would of cheated. Today is also a hard day for him because its his birthday and I know he would love to see his daughter and I think thats why he sounds so down today. I know if he calls his daughter today, tomorrow will be new mind games from her. Not looking forward to that.

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Never mind what people say, watch what they DO. What he does counts. Time is a great revealer, so let it play out.

You should have some trust issues with him. Is he giving the EX mixed messages? She sounds desperate and as confused as you are.

Stop buying into the drama of all this. Get prepared for anything - the good, the bad and the divorce.

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Hellokittygirl--

Welcome to A2K.

The man you married is a cheater and a liar. The Mother of His Child may be a bundle of mental problems, but your husband went to bed with her.

How was this in the best interests of his daughter? Did she watch? Was the romantic tryst a payoff for more visitation? Do you think it is fair to raise a child's hopes that both her parents will be together?

You know what he's telling you--that he's decided that the Mother of His Child will be in control.

Because he lies, you can't be sure what he is telling either his daughter or his Ex.

She comes with the package--but why is your husband allowing her to make all the rules?

Of course you're hurt and confused. I don't know which woman is more important to your husband, but he's putting himself first and saying that this is in his daughter's best interests. Do you want him to treat your children this way?

Get counselling for yourself. You married this man knowing that he came with problems and was going to create more problems. What does he do for you that balances the heartache and grief he's handing out?

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Quote:

How was this in the best interests of his daughter? Did she watch? Was the romantic tryst a payoff for more visitation? Do you think it is fair to raise a child's hopes that both her parents will be together?

That is a question that I ask myself. I think that he may of thought of getting back together with her but realized that he made a mistake, married me and wants things to work out because he can never have a relationship with his ex.

Quote:

Get counselling for yourself. You married this man knowing that he came with problems and was going to create more problems. What does he do for you that balances the heartache and grief he's handing out?

[/QUOTE]

He has been giving me no reason for the past couple weeks that anything is wrong or he has plans to not be with me. He's been caring for my dying grandfather. I currently work full time and he just got laid off, so since I can't take the time from work, he's stepped up and taken on this responsibility for me. I of course wonder if he calls her because his cell phone is usually off, but thats not unusual because if he's home, why should he keep it on?

I am thinking of getting counseling for myself. It's just so hard because of my grandfather and this at one time. I think I will just go on day by day to see what pans out because his ex is probably playing mind games like she use to so I give up and kick him out and then she will know he will move back to the area where she is.

Thanks for your advice.

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Hellokittygirl--

You're obviously under a lot of stress right now--which is a good reason for making time for counselling. An objective, face-to-face listener could help you sort things out.

Meanwhile, good luck.

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Explore other means for taking care of your grandfather. Call Senior citizen services or Older Adult Services, local Senior Citizen Center, Visiting Nurses, etc. etc.

Just because this guy takes care of your grandfather, that does not make him a good husband!!!

P.S. Why isn't he working???

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SULLYFISH66 wrote:

Explore other means for taking care of your grandfather. Call Senior citizen services or Older Adult Services, local Senior Citizen Center, Visiting Nurses, etc. etc.

Just because this guy takes care of your grandfather, that does not make him a good husband!!!

P.S. Why isn't he working???

We have hospice that comes in to take care of him during the day but my husband and I take care of him through the night.

He just got laid off from the mortgage business. We are both in the business and we were working at the same company for a little while and with the overturn in the industry, I was making more $$ so I opted to stay and he take the lay off.

I am fine with the fact that he is home right now taking care of my grandfather because I am a mess over it. He's been more than helpful.

My husband and I talked yesterday and I think we worked through a lot of these things. His ex finally backed off after a big blow from him to her. She is all into the myspace thing and she posted a note how she's glad she lost the game because the prize isn't that great and she deserves better.

Things were great this weekend and I think they are starting to look up but I don't have my blinders on.

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Counseling sounds good. You have alot going on right now.

My man has a crazy Ex and Mother of his children. I can speak first hand. The mother will always be in both your lives. And she will undoubtably use the daughter as leverage. There may be moments of sanity but there will always be insanity. It's tough and annoying to deal with.

The fact that he went and slept with her only adds to the burden. I am so sorry you have to deal with it. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I think you'll know what you need to do.

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caribou wrote:

Counseling sounds good. You have alot going on right now.

My man has a crazy Ex and Mother of his children. I can speak first hand. The mother will always be in both your lives. And she will undoubtably use the daughter as leverage. There may be moments of sanity but there will always be insanity. It's tough and annoying to deal with.

The fact that he went and slept with her only adds to the burden. I am so sorry you have to deal with it. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I think you'll know what you need to do.

Thank you for that. I am not the kind of person to put a leash on someone, but I think I will have him on a short one for a little while. I will try and make this work because I made some stupid mistakes before he and I got married and he forgave me for them.

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Hellokittygirl--

Good that he had it out with his Ex.

Blinders are one fashion accessory any woman can do without--particularly when you consider the merit of "Once bitten, twice shy."

Short leash? You can't control his behavior. You can only observe it and control your own reactions.

You sound calmer. You have a lot on your plate right now.

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Noddy24 wrote:

Hellokittygirl--

Good that he had it out with his Ex.

Blinders are one fashion accessory any woman can do without--particularly when you consider the merit of "Once bitten, twice shy."

Short leash? You can't control his behavior. You can only observe it and control your own reactions.

You sound calmer. You have a lot on your plate right now.

When I say short leash, he is not going to be making any visits to see his daughter unless I am going with him. I also made it clear that I don't want him to call her while I am not home because she can make stuff up or he could very well tell her things to keep her calm since she is nuts.

I am calmer today after having a fairly good weekend and she has cut her crap.

If you only knew whats on my plate, you would be surprised that I am not heavily medicated. I have a dying grandfather (which I am on pins and needles because I think it could be any day now), the husband situation and I have a bad situation at work that I haven't even got into. So no matter where I am, there is some type of stress. Since its just my boss and I in an office, its like being in a bad marriage for 8 hours!!!

I use to blame myself for my husband being a little distant because my frustration at work sometimes comes home with me because I can't shake the man sometimes.

I will save you all that drama until later. I am sure you will see my post at some point about work.

I appreciate every ones kind words and advice.

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. . . and stay OFF her MySpace. She jerking your chain.

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I am recently married....need some help!

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