Porn, it is cheating, pure and simple

I know that he is not worth it. I guess Im trying to figure that out still maybe. Awhile back, maybe 2 years ago, things started to get really good between us. I mean really good. I never thought things could get better. He used to drink, heavily. He quit back then and has yet to pick up a drink. This was a HUGE deal and I never thought it was possible. I guess seeing that change in him, if that could happen, then maybe we could find our way to a happy marriage. Mind you, in his eyes, we have it good, in our kid's eyes, we have it great! They really DO NOT have a clue that there are issues. I keep our home nice and cook and do all the wifey duties. I enjoy that stuff. As long as that stuff is done, my husband is perfectly happy. He is in the middle of nursing school and is gone a lot. I work full time running my business and my kiddos are the loves and the bulk of my daily routine in my life. My husband and I get along well for the most part. He is not an outwardly disrespectful man that you would picture. He is this charming, funny, loveable creature that you just wanna squeeze. The problem is, he usually uses that charm on others. I knew that going in, but I was ok with it because he used it on me too. I guess I have been holding out, in hopes that I will get that back somehow. I think too much has been done to damage me in that respect. I just dont know how to make the first move to do anything. I feel paralyzed.

Are you serious?

Don't kid yourself. Do your children ever see outward affection between you and your husband? You know the kind I'm talking about. The hugging and kissing and smiling that comes with being in love. And the playing with each other. Keeping things on the light side. I think not, if everything you have said here is true. A clean house does not constitute a happy home. Kids are smarter than that.

And your husband……are you sure he's happy? How happy can he be with this friction between you and him. The same friction that made you say on your other thread that you have been lonely for a very long time. That he puts other things before you. That same friction …..that put you in a cheating mode? He doesn't feel any distance between you and him? Come on…think about that.

I dunno, LoveBD. I guess maybe I'm just looking at what "I" want in a relationship. Obviously you have what you want and are happy with it for the most part. I couldn't live that way though.

I won't judge you for cheating. Nor anyone else for that matter. For sometimes the cover of the book does not reveal what's inside. But, the kind of love that I believe everyone deserves in life, is too bonding to allow being in bed with another person.

So kid yourself, not........somewhere there is a lot of unhappiness inside your home....and I don't think it's just "you".

Talk to a lawyer. A referral if possible. Get some legal counsel. It's scary. Very much so. But you owe it to yourself to be happy in life.

I have gotten legal counsel, just to know my options. Im really not worried about the "legal" aspect. That is just paperwork as far as Im concerned. Im more concerned with my daughter. I just realized that I had typed an error, not sure how that even happened. Im not a grandmother, I have 3 daughters. One of which is my husband's, the other two are from my previous marriage. He only wants to see them sometimes. He has a son as well that he does this with. He treats them like trophies, only to show them off when he feels like it. They are great kids and he loves to take the credit. Anyway, my husband now is pretty involved with what they like to do and tries to make efforts in his busy schedule to do stuff with them. It's the whole idea that they KNOW that they have a parent that really doesnt want much to do with them and they finally have a home that there is stability as far as they are concerned. Its making that choice to stay or leave and then being able to work hard to help my children deal with it either way. Because if I stay, crap is probably going to hit the fan and things will have to change. If they cant, then I guess I have to leave. I do not think i have a choice.

Children are better off with one happy parent that two unhappy, dysfunctional ones. If you're not happy with him -- actually -- if you're THIS unhappy, do you think the kids don't notice?

I'm not an advocate of martyring yourself for a "what if" scenario. Do what's healthy for you and the rest will follow.

Kids will survive just about anything if there's love somewhere. They need to be happy and feel healthy and I think you're in a really unhealthy situation.

Don't forget - YOU are these children's advocate. Do something for them. Give them a happy and stable home, with or without the Porn King.

ha ha ha, I love it, the Porn King!! Yes, I am still in a mess. I know that he hasnt looked at the porn at home at least in the past month. It sucks that it is in the back of my mind though. I had a run-in with my ex-lover and that made things really rough for a couple of days. I hate all of this. My New Year's Resolution is to have some resolution!!

In my experience, married guys look at porn because their wives aren't able to satisfy them enough (usually a frequency thing)......I have never met a guy who would turn down sex with his wife for porn and some lotion. NEVER.

I don't know if we're getting the whole story.

Has anyone thought that watching porn is a lot like watching sport for guys? Or a lot like watching any activity they enjoy doing? There are of course other aspects to this particular issue.

As for you emotional issues with it LoveBD, you have every right to feel them.

Your husband knows how they affect you (so long as you've told him), and makes his choice by weighing up his wants vs your emotional reaction.

I don't quite think guys look at porn like they look at sports and I pitty the man who ever used that as an excuse

Hi Montana,

Did I suggest we look at it in exactly the same way? Or that I would use the comparison as an excuse? (though I do know some guys who would use it as an excuse). It was merely an observation.

Personally, if my other half disagreed with it, I wouldn't argue the point - there is no need to hurt her feelings, nor is there any real need to watch porn.

Got ya