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Sat 22 Dec, 2007 11:47 am
I read a topic that we should accept porn as "the way dudes are". What a crock! So that would mean that because women are geared to want love in their life and to be romanced and to be made to feel important by their mates, they should be completely excused from finding it from another source? It's ok for a "dude" to look at porn and fantasize simply because he is a man? My husband thinks its perfectly fine with replacing sex with porn. That is a HUGE deal for me and to me it is the same as cheating. After this being a huge issue for me over a period of 9 years, I did the unmentionable, I had the affair. I actually felt justified because he didnt care how betrayed I felt. All he seemed to care about was looking at teen ass. I am in incredible shape and actually look way better then when he met me so he cannot use that as an excuse. As a woman, when you know your man is looking at porn, you are thinking " ok, so he just wants stimulation, I get that, but is he imagining this woman when he's with me?" How could you not question that. I know that there are MANY men out there that get by fine without looking at porn. Im sure they dont lack any man gene. I just think that is an excuse. Just like it would be just an "excuse" for me to try and justify my affair by saying, "Im a woman and I just wanted to be loved and to feel good" BLAH BLAH BLAH, Cheating is cheating and when you have to find another source to stimulate your sexual prowess....hmmmm maybe its the man with the insecurities?? Maybe sexual disfunction?
I agree that there is an element of emotional cheating involved when a man has to visualize being with another woman besides his own to get aroused.
Hi dear.
I don't think self-stimulation by looking at porn is cheating.
We all eventually fantasize during sex. We all eventually look at a hardbody and get a happy, little twinge.
I'd pick my battles in this area.
If you are the only one he's touching, I don't think I'd be complaining...but, of course, how you feel is important. Just sharing an opinion.
I think that is a matter of degree. An occasional look at a skin flick or porn site, IMO is not destructive. If the porn becomes a major focus in the person's life, and becomes more important than the relationship with their mate, then I believe there IS a problem.
In our younger days Mr. P. and I would go to this nice little theatre, and watch XXX films. It was a kick, and it lasted a for a number of months, until we both got terribly bored with it. No harm, no foul.
I agree that how much and what kind of porn has something to do with it. But if you have to keep something secret, I think it says something. I think people tend to be as sick as their secrets.
There's a difference between "cheating" and "hurting."
Neither should be accepted, but I've a feeling you won't make much headway with claiming that porn equals cheating.
My husband and I used it, too, about 10 years into our marriage.
I did get a bit jealous when he used it without me, but I did think it was normal and preferred it to many other possibilities.
DrewDad wrote:There's a difference between "cheating" and "hurting."
Neither should be accepted, but I've a feeling you won't make much headway with claiming that porn equals cheating.
I think cheating is in the eye of the partner. If it hurts the partner, it's an issue worth addressing.
Part of me agrees with snood, but if you start pressing about something as harmless as porn, you force behavior "underground" and that is generally where more serious problems fester.
Calling 900 numbers...internet relationships...these things are much more potentially damaging, imo.
Sometimes, the person with the "problem" may need to do a careful evaluation before making an issue of something.
Well, her husband is only looking at porn, but she's physically
cheating on him, if you care to read her other thread.
So LoveBD, you're objecting to your husband's online porn watching that you call "cheating" while you're having an affair with another man.
Don't you think that you're a bit of a hypocrite?
Not for nothin', but women look at porn too....it's not restricted to men.
well, well, well.
that's a deep subject.
Re: Porn, it is cheating, pure and simple
LoveBD wrote:I read a topic that we should accept porn as "the way dudes are".
<snip>
My husband thinks its perfectly fine with replacing sex with porn. That is a HUGE deal for me and to me it is the same as cheating.
These are two different things. I don't recall where anyone here has ever said that replacing sex with porn should be accepted as normal. I can't say that I've read all the porn threads, but there's a difference between accepting that guys watch porn and accepting that it should replace sex within a marriage. I find it hard to imagine anyone here inferring such a thing.
So how many meds are you on?
Even at it's most extreme level of obsession, I have a hard time defining it as "cheating." At that level, I think the person may be doing themselves and other's emotional or pyschological harm, but to define this as cheating seems incorrect.
We wouldn't entertain this nothing if cheating didn't have the sexual brand that it does. We wouldn't be so quick to define other habits as cheating such as...
Extreme sports fan
Compulsive eater
Socially, cheating isn't acceptable. Many women don't like their husbands or boyfriend's porn habit. I think many seek validation in their hurt feelings by trying to make the act equivilant with what we find socially unacceptable. If their feelings are hurt, they have my sympathy regaurdless, the only thing they need to convince me of is their sincerety.
T
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I just don't get the porn thing! I am one of those women who hate it because it has caused me a lot of hurt.
I could never understand what the obsession is with porn and why people need it in their lives when they already have a lover. If it's something people enjoy watching together, then no one is being hurt and there's no issue, but there are still plenty of us out here that prefer that our lovers be devoted completely to us.
I understand how you feel about the porn, but you went out and physically cheated and the porn thing isn't really that great of an excuse.
I too, feel that porn is a form of cheating and can be very hurtful to the ones some claim they love. In my eyes, if you truly love someone, you don't want to get off on anyone else.
I know I couldn't live with a man who didn't care enough about me to give up such a stupid thing like porn. If that's what rocks their boat, I'm aiming my sails the other way!
Good luck to you.
hmmmmm.....
Well i can Certainly agree With almost EVERYONES point of view here....
First off,You were certainly Wrong To Go out and physically Cheat on your boyfriend/husband and Using an excuse of "but he was looking at porn" Just isnt an excuse at ALL.You were wrong to do it.
At the Same Time i can understand How Him looking at porn could Cause You To Feel Like he Doesnt appreciate you sexually anymore...
As a Guy I Love porn...I love women and all of that crazy Dirty stuff that porn comes with...Perhaps He's seeking porn because Of The different Situations And Fantasies it Comes with.
Im not Going to Go into your love Life Or say anything about that cause i Dont know about it.....But maybe suggest Spicing things up in tlhe bedroom Or some roleplaying or something....maybe Thats why he's looking at porn..because in porn Its always "Oh,im a bad school girl and im in detention!" Or something....
well,im sure u know what i mean.
Montana wrote:I know I couldn't live with a man who didn't care enough about me to give up such a stupid thing like porn. If that's what rocks their boat, I'm aiming my sails the other way!
I think this is what it oftentimes comes down to -- expectations of a partner within a mutually satisfying relationship. Each of us has our own definition of what we expect in a partner and when that line is crossed it becomes cheating in the eye of the partner (to use snood's words).
Some folks will never have a mutually satisfying relationship because their lines in the sand are too far apart. Their sails should be aimed in other directions.
The more I see of LoveBD's situation, the more I think she should set sail.
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