I think the biggest problem in relationships is the lack of communication.
I remember in other porn threads covering this same issue, where some mentioned that trying to stop someone from watching porn was a form of control, and maybe it is if you don't put it out on the table as an issue before diving into the relationship.
I'm not a woman who tries to control anyone, but I do know that there are certain things I couldn't live with, one of them is porn.
I don't want it in my life in any way shape or form, so this is something I'd want to talk about before getting too deep.
JPB wrote:Montana wrote:I know I couldn't live with a man who didn't care enough about me to give up such a stupid thing like porn. If that's what rocks their boat, I'm aiming my sails the other way!
I think this is what it oftentimes comes down to -- expectations of a partner within a mutually satisfying relationship. Each of us has our own definition of what we expect in a partner and when that line is crossed it becomes cheating in the eye of the partner (to use snood's words).
Some folks will never have a mutually satisfying relationship because their lines in the sand are too far apart. Their sails should be aimed in other directions.
The more I see of LoveBD's situation, the more I think she should set sail.
I agree JPB. I think setting sail is just what she needs to do.
I like pretty porn. The stuff on late night cable. Hubby has his little stash and he peeks at it online from time to time. I did too for a little while but lost interest or something.
In my house it's no big deal.
CalamityJane wrote:
Don't you think that you're a bit of a hypocrite?
No, he
drove her to cheating on him! With his relentless viewing of porn!
I don't think he drove her to do anything. I never cheated on my porn addicted ex. I just left him ;-)
Coolwhip wrote:CalamityJane wrote:
Don't you think that you're a bit of a hypocrite?
No, he
drove her to cheating on him! With his relentless viewing of porn!
That's crap. You don't cheat, you fix the problem or get rid of the person.
maybe I should have put an [/sarcasm] there
I thought about it, Coolwhip, but then - a socialist living in paradise
cant be sarcastic, can he?
No, he drove her to cheating on him! With his relentless viewing of porn![/quote]
That's crap. You don't cheat, you fix the problem or get rid of the person.[/quote]
You see, I know that I cheated because I have issues within me. I know that I let my marriage get out of control. I know all these things! I never claimed to be "free of guilt" or that I am trying to rationalize my actions because my husband can be an ass. I could leave, sure, i could. You have NO idea what pain that would cause my children. It is so much easier said then done. I have been divorced before and honestly, it was an "ideal" divorce if there is such a thing. This is not. It is not a financial situation, Im fine on my own. It is because of my kids, not because of the conventional way people view it, but because of my particular situation, I have a son that has a daughter with a father that wants something to do with her "sometimes" so she feels left out, she finally has a shred of that with my husband now. It is the only stability that she has ever known, our home, our family. I keep it together, I keep up the front for my kids, for my husband. I am miserable inside and I cheated because I got tired of feeling lonely. Leaving is not an option right now, it just isnt. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for your kids, even when it hurts. I will make all the sacrifices in the world for mine. That is the only reason I ended what I had with my ex-lover. He gave to me a world of what I was missing, you have no idea. I know it may seem selfish, I know it is wrong, but truly, he was the ONLY person that filled a void without question, request or effort.
Scenario:
A man spends each Saturday night watching porn for 20 minutes and masturbating.
A woman spends each Saturday afternoon shopping for 4 hours and spending money.
How are these two related?
Each can be a fun activity we do on our own to make ourselves feel good and get what we want.
Can they be an addiction? Sure. And a man who spends his time watching porn instead of having sex with his wife/girlfriend is definitly a problem. But so is a woman who spends all the money in the checking account.
If he's hurting you, tell him. Don't complain to us here. If he doesn't want to do anything about it, leave him.
For the millionth time, the porn isn't the problem here. The man is the problem.
Plenty of guys watch porn and still love and satisfy their women.
Do you really assume that I havent talked to my husband about this? I am "complaining" here because Im out of options. I would love to talk to a counselor, not really an option. Leaving doesnt seem to be an option. I dont know what the hell my options are but Im struggling!!!!
LoveBD, I'm sorry you're having this experience. What does he say when you tell him you don't like him looking at porn? How much time does he spend doing it? Can you ask him to do it somewhere other than your home?
Would he visit your grandchild if he moved out? Is there any other way you could help your granddaughter? I mean, staying and being a martyr won't really help you and you'll not be much use to her if you're a "mental case" over this. I don't think sacrificing your own life for someone else's (and you're assuming this is what she needs) is very healthy. Think about that for a bit. Her problem is really with your son, not your husband.
Think about it. Even if you stayed until she grew up, you have no guarantee that she still wouldn't feel left out, if she indeed really does feel that way. What if he died? How would she not feel left out then?
Her issues should not be your issues, and they need to be dealt with separately.
So, leaving IS an option, if that's what you want. But I'd still be interested in hearing the answers to my questions... in paragraph 1.
LoveBD wrote:Do you really assume that I havent talked to my husband about this? I am "complaining" here because Im out of options. I would love to talk to a counselor, not really an option. Leaving doesnt seem to be an option. I dont know what the hell my options are but Im struggling!!!!
Your options are deal with it or leave him. He obviously doesn't care much about you if he doesn't respond to your feelings about his porn watching.
Unless, of course, he was like this before you met and you were ok with it until recently. Then you can't expect him to change simply because suddenly you don't like his lifestyle.
Nine years is a long time to be angry over something.
Forgive me, but I don't see the porn as something
that your husband, alone, did against you. By staying
with him this long, you have been allowing it to happen.
So from where I sit...that puts you both at blame in the
situation you are in right now.
Unless I'm missing something, you had 9 years to help him
to understand how badly it was hurting you. It drove you
into the arms of another man? Can you see your part in this?
You and you alone made the decision to cheat on your husband.
Nothing he did should even be mentioned as to your
reasoning why you cheated. If you did everything possible
to save your marriage from his porn addiction, and did it
in the right way (meaning NOT demanding he stop) then
at that point you should have asked yourself what you
can and can't live with. And, well
..it's pretty apparent
you are not accepting of his porn
so you should have
kicked his ass to the curb and closed the chapter
and moved on. If you had done that, you
wouldn't be where you are at right now. And who knows,
maybe you'd be with a man, by now that can love you
the way you need to be loved.
If he prefers porn and masturbation to a little get down
and dirty, wild and crazy sex with you
.then
let him marry his hand. He definitely has issues.
If I came home and caught my man
looking at porn, I'd have my clothes off
before he had a chance to figure out if I was mad or not.
I'd be thinkin' I'm gonna get me some of that
while it's nice and hot. :wink: I would not see
him looking at porn as him cheating on me.
I think everyone has a right to their opinion on porn.
If you are hurt badly by it
.just end it.
Like Montana did
and rightfully so.
Every couple is different. If some like it...then porn is
cool. If some don't like it.....then love and respect
should be strong enough for the perpetrator to
overcome his/her obsession and ...stop it!
I do feel empathy for you because your pain is
strong and I hate to see someone hurting, like
you are. Good luck, LoveBD.
PS - Leaving is always an option if you truly
want it to be. Staying in an unhappy
marriage IS hurting the kids.
JustBrooke -
Ok, let me start by saying this. When I first discovered the porn, he swore he wouldnt look at it anymore. Occasionally,l I would find it hidden. Then I find it on the computer. He would try to erase all info, but its never really erased. I found it not that long ago and when I confronted him, he looked me right in the eye and told me he didnt look at that crap anymore. I told him I knew he was lying. I flat out told him that I couldnt deal with it and if he wanted to have that in his life, then he didnt need me. He swore he wouldnt do it anymore. (I have heard that before as I mentioned) so that is where that is, and as far as stripping down while he was all "hot and bothered" well, try this on for size, I come home, to find him in this "situation", I tried just that, I thought, ok, I want to show him that Im game. I try to mess with him......he says "Im done already"
LoveBD wrote:JustBrooke -
Ok, let me start by saying this. When I first discovered the porn, he swore he wouldnt look at it anymore. Occasionally,l I would find it hidden. Then I find it on the computer. He would try to erase all info, but its never really erased.
For 9 years he has lied to you, then. And you still love him after all that?
LoveBD wrote:
as far as stripping down while he was all "hot and bothered" well, try this on for size, I come home, to find him in this "situation", I tried just that, I thought, ok, I want to show him that Im game. I try to mess with him......he says "Im done already"
Honey .........he's not worth it. That's almost unforgivable in my book. I think I would have looked him in the eye and told him I was done too. Then called a good friend to come over and stay with me while he got his stuff and got out.
I don't understand why you stay. Your kids should be in a happy home. They should grow up watching two people raise them with the kind of love that is respecting and giving. If there is friction, you can bet your booty, they feel it. You're not gonna hide it.
And YOU, my friend, deserve whatever it is in life that makes you happy. Stop settling for what you've got and go after what you know you deserve.
