help! i cheated!!!

i can't personally recommend keeping that a secret, it just doesn't seem like a good idea.

i would recommend moving on, or considering it. if you're both unhappy enough to cheat, it might be the best thing to move on. but if you are ready to move on, you should tell him. if you want to make things work, you should probably tell him. if you do and he's not interested in working it out, you kinda did it yourself. i wouldn't recommend hating yourself though, it never helps anyone.

We just had a general discussion about this type of situation, recently.
It actually got quite heated after a while, since there were lots of different opinions.

I hope, that if my husband had a (meaningless) fling, (which he was sure would not repeat itself) he would not tell me.
If he told me, I think it would be the end of our relationship.
Of course, if I found out by myself, it would be the same!

So, difficult situation.
In the end, only you can decide what to do.
If you tell him, it might be his wake-up call or it might be his wave good-bye.

But to safe your relationship, I think both of you will have to work on it!

your husband deserves to know. tell him that you cheated on him and then he can decide for himself to stay and work things out with you or get on with his own life!!

Who knows, maybe he's been such a jerk lately because he had an affair and is being wracked by guilt, and if you tell him about your affair, he can come clean and then things are even-steven and you can start fresh.

OK, that's rather unlikely, but since things were already not going well, it does sound like you need to tell him and then start figuring out, as a couple, where you want to go from here.

I know it's quite bold words to come from someone who's once been cheated on -- but I would vote for not telling him. It's said that if you want to keep your marriage, you will hide the fact of the affair as hard as possible -- because after you speak up, things will never be the same again. He might forgive, but he will not forget.

By the way, your wish to tell him might be of the selfish origin, since you most likely wish to escape the feeling of guilt. But have you thought that after you tell him, he will stop thinking he's the one and only for you, he will trust you less, in the final end, he will "just know it", and you will still feel bad...

I think, if the affair was meaningless and meant nothing to you, don't let it break your relationship. And if you value your man, don't take away his feeling of security. Instead, take care of your feeling of guilt by other means, eg, try to figure out what positive you've learnt from this that could be used to strenghen your relationship.

I agree with titia, don't tell him and try to alleviate your feelings of guilt
in another way.

By the way, titia, did you divorce your husband? I remember your post
from 2 years ago....

There is more in case you didn't know (the ones responding)
http://www.able2know.org/forums/viewtopic.php?p=2980549#2980549
Not that anyone will change their opinions but, it might help with the story as a whole?

Don't tell him.

Everyone makes mistakes. Don't let a one-night stand screw up what potential you may have left in your marraige.

You said you had too many drinks. Maybe the drink is the problem. I would suggest checking in with one of the 12-step programs and you might get a better handle on what the problem is.

I cant stop thinking of this other man. But then my husband calls and its all i can do to stop thinking of him. i think i am in love with two men, because both of them are so completely opposite from one another. I love my husband though. I dont want to even consider divorce. But when i think of breaking things off with this other man, and leaving him and not being able to speak to him or have anything to do with him, THAT makes me sad as well..

I dont know if i CAN keep it to myself! i have NEVER cheated in a relationship before now... and i have never been the type to even be in a situation that could LOOK like i was cheating... now i find that i want both these people in my life... but i know that cant happen. I am just very lost and very confused. I want my marriage to work more than anything... but i also want to be HAPPY.

Now wait a minute: this doesn't sound like a one-night-stand to me,
otherwise you wouldn't constantly think about the other man, or talking
about breaking things off. There is more to it than you're telling us.

Sure, you feel neglected by your husband, and someone else pays
attention to you and thinks you're great. Who wouldn't feel flattered,
the grass is always greener on the other side. What you don't know
yet is that the other grass is fertilized with the same **** as yours is.

Be a grown-up! Make your decision and live with it!

Montrose--

Yes, it is possible to be in love with two men at the same time.

Unfortunately, you made Until Death Do Us Part vows to your husband--and he assumes you're keeping these vows.

You want to be HAPPY. Is your happiness important enough to justify making another person unhappy?

Montrose,

You are MARRIED!!! You took a vow . . . .
You owe it to your husband and to yourself to figure out what to do about that relationship BEFORE you begin another one.

Husband sounds unhappy. Maybe he's waiting for you to make the first move so he can get out of this marriage.

A visit or two with a professional marriage counselor will help you get a handle on your indecisviness.

PS - you are having an extramarital affair with a man who condones your cheating on your husband. You think he's to be trusted?

I don't know why people make these things so complicated. Why don't people communicate?

The SECOND you become unhappy, you're supposed to tell your partner, and then say, " If I stay unhappy and you keep being (cold/a bitch/ignoring my needs/whatever the issue is), and refuse to change or tell my what is going on, I'm (leaving/exploring other people/consequences in general)."

Your partner is supposed to tell you why they are being cold/a bitch/mean/ignoring your needs, and if they don't, there will be consequences!

It sounds like your husband needs to fess up and talk to you about what he is feeling otherwise things will probably get worse between the two of you. Have you told him how you feel about his distancing from you?

I would also like to know... if i decide that this affair is best kept to myself to prevent my husband from feeling even worse... how should i deal with the guilt? If telling him is only for the purpose of airing out my guilt and making myself feel better, what should i do? I dont want to tell him for that reason, but i also dont want to be in pain everytime i look at him. I would like any suggestions you guys can give... and as for the other man, im not trying to get out of the relationship with my husband to be with him. I know that i cant have a relationship with one person and be happy when i already promised to be with someone else. This man has just made me realize that i might should have waited before i got married and that i might need to start changing a lot of things in my life if i ever want to be happy. I am not trying to "be with him" although i do feel lots of strong feelings towards him and i think that if we had met one another before i got married that i wouldnt have ever gotten married and could have been with him.

And as for my "happiness" in the entirity of my relatioinship with my husband, before we got married and after, i have put the brakes on any type of "happiness" there is. I have done everything for him, and i have sacrificed countless things... and those times i asked my husband to make a sacrifice for me, he did not. SO yes, MY happiness is a lot more important than my husbands UNHAPPINESS, because i am ALWAYS the unhappy one, and i always give and he always takes takes takes. Maybe this is just vengence but i know it cant be all anger. It really was just all a big mistake and something i got blind sided with.

and as for hubby, telling him doesnt help with anything. He wont talk about issues, he never has been willing to talk about anything. SO i just sit back and deal with it.

Sounds to me like he doesn't really love you. Sorry to say that, but if someone doesn't treat the other person with respect, there's a lack of love going on.

Communicating and giving are key components to healthy relationships. Doesn't sound to me like he's capable or willing to do those.

Why are you still there if you're so unhappy?

What are you getting from this relationship? Don't tell me you love him because that's irrelevant. Is this how you want to spend the next 40, 50 years of your life?

Go and see a therapist on your own and figure out what's going on for you.

Your husband is his problem, not yours.

Mame suggested it quicker then I , but I wanted to suggest going to see a therapist for YOU first..

Tell you husband that you are going and make sure he hears about your sessions ( to a certain extent) often.

Start your sessions off about you, then tell the therapist that your goal is to get your husband in with you.
Tell the therapist of your affair. Vent your guilt there until it is more managable, or just becomes less prominent after you work on why you are unhappy

After a while tell him ( your husband)that you want him to go.

If he refuses, immediately lay it out for him that you are unhappy and you need this to fix his communication and behaviors with you .
Insist.

Montrose--

I agree with Mame and shewolf.

You don't know what is going on in your husband's psyche and you are just beginning to understand that you're neither happy nor contented yourself.

Talk to someone who can help you sort out your feelings.

You dread losing your lover and going back to the same-old, same-old unsatisfactory marriage.

Make changes. Improve your marriage--or give up on your marriage. Don't be the sort of woman who sneaks around and then wonders why she's discontented. Find out.

Step back from the guilt for cheating. Does the guilt you feel stem solely from a sexual act? I'm not sure what you were doing having drinks in this guys apartment but if your hangup is on the fact that you had sex then you're missing the point.

You're unhappy -- otherwise you wouldn't have been hanging out with some guy in his apartment having drinks and ending up in bed. Whether that unhappiness stems from your husband's emotional distance or from the realization that you married too young, you need to look at it objectively and decide if you want to stay married.

Whether you end up telling your husband about what happened or not will not undo the events. They happened. You were involved and your husband wasn't. Don't make him part of a threesome. You've already made one selfish act. Telling him in order to assuage your guilt would be a second one and looking for his forgiveness (if that's what you're looking for) would be a third. Step back and do some serious soul-searching (with or without the help of a therapist) and determine what you want out of life. If you want to stay married to your husband then put your energies toward becoming happy within your marriage. If you want to move on then do so. Playing both ends against the middle will only continue to bring you grief.

Good luck!