help! i cheated!!!

the thing is... i dont feel really that guilty. I mean, i do... i feel guilty that i cheated on a man i promised to be with forever... but as for the actual cheating, being with this other person was a great experience for me. My husband and i have had other partners, and dated other people before we got married, but this man was def. on a level that i have never experienced with anyone else before. It might have been because it was something that was "wrong" (being with him) but at the same time... the emotional and physical connections i have felt with him i havent felt with my husband in years. Even though my husband and my sex life has always been very good, it seems like his sex is always violent and geared towards orgasm, not so much towards making me feel good or special. And sex with this other man was just that. It was all about me and that was it. So as bad as i DO feel for doing what i did, there is another part of me that cant really look at it as a "bad" situation. Rather i see it as, "omg, this person understood you on that level too!!! where were you 3 years ago?" I guess thinking that way and then REALIZING that i DONT feel the amount of guilt that i SHOULD be feeling (i cheated!!!) makes me feel even more guilty than anything else.

And as for 12-step and drinking... i rarely ever drink, it is usually social if i do. The case in point here was a social situation in this mans house with other people over... they just left and i over did it... and it led to this whole situation.

Ok, so what kind of help are you looking for?

Not feeling guilty should tell you something.

CalamityJane, I did. One of the best decisions made in the past decade :wink:

Astonished by the sharpness of your memory, although!

I dont know!!! thats why i am feeling so crazy... i feel guilty but at the same time i dont? I dont know why i am thinking these things or feeling these things. I feel like everything is always my fault and that i am basically worthless I know i have problems wrong with myself but at the same time i know everything wrong in my relationship doesnt stem from me. Ive decided i will just

1) stop seeing the other man
2) go to a therapist
3) re-evaluate my life and marriage
4) dont tell my husband and try and move on from this incident
5) make sure i dont go to a social place where temptation might lurk
6) find a way to recover and be happy!

Sounds like a good plan. Stick around and chat if you need to.

Montrose--

Solutions aren't always palatable, but sometimes uncomfortable transitions are necessary. Congratulations for accepting this.

Feel free to vent here if you need to vent. The next months won't be easy for you.

Here's my advice.... since you're already going to hell... open the floodgates... have sex with everyone you can.... spread around some std's to the general population... you have nothing to lose.

You wouldn't want a D.W.I. for blowing a .009 or a speeding ticket for going 4 miles over the speed limit would you?

Go for broke baby.

Just to add... if you have been unhappy in your marital relationship for a while, the affair just triggered more doubts (since you were able to compare). But, as the good old saying implies, apples should be compared to apples... Meaning, new adventurous relationship sparkling with passion is a totally different thing than a long-standing marital relationship where you're all settled down. Remember this when executing the "Line 3" in your plan.

Also... I'm a bit surprised you found it necessary to have the "Line 5". I would say, if you think "Line 5" is really needed -- put even more emphasis on "Line 3".

Other than that, all the best to you, so that everything that's happening with you now would only turn to the best for the future.

I think Structure #5 is an excellent way of coping with fallibility.

I'd also suggest keeping an open mind as #3 leads to #6. There are many possible outcomes.

i guess i didnt look at it like that. I was just trying to say i would keep myself out of trouble. But i can understand how it could also be a good thing, #3 and #6.

and as for bi-polar bear, i am not going to hell. you can have your opinion all you like. Not everyone has the same beliefs, and i used condoms, so im not planning on having any STDS or any other partners. not everyone is a floozie.

Help! I cheated!
Montrose -

As a man on the other end of the secret, so to speak...

I was *crushed* when I discovered my wife's infidelity. It has been
five month's and I feel like I still can't exhale. She was (is?) my reason
for everything I did. I have literally stared into the abyss of life and death.
The chest pains have been unbelievable. My doc says I have the symptoms of PTSD. There are days I can not function. All I ever wanted was for our relationship to be happy -

All of that said, I have been on the other side and swore to never reveal the
infidelity because I was ashamed of myself, and would do *anything* to protect her from hurt. In the end, she didn't give a rat's ass that I had slept with my friend. She knew I was hers, but I don't have that assurance from her. At this point, no one knows what tomorrow brings. It's killing...

Montrose,

God, I feel for you. I just posted my story because I needed to vent. I have read all of the responses to your situation and that has helped me get through this hour. I am in the same boat as you, feeling the same things you are feeling. I hope that we both get out of this with our hearts intact. And I also hope that no one else gets hurt (not our husbands, nor ex-lovers). That's my New Year's resolution, to refrain from actions that hurt me and those I love.

Kerben

Pack your suitcases
I say pack up your stuff and leave. Your husband does not need to be exposed to STDs because he married a cheating slut. If you cheated once you'll do it again, and again. Any excuse will work. First is "he's distant" then it will elevate to "it's Tuesday". Do the guy a favor and take your cheating behind away from him. It might hurt him for awhile but it will be less painful then AIDS.

Shawanga is speaking from his own pain. I'm not sure he's even read the whole thread.

I think the steps you are taking are commendable.
I hope the New Year brings you easier times.

Kerben--

Hold your dominion.

Re: Pack your suitcases


Shawanga - spiteful comments like this, from you, show you up to be a shallow, bitter, reactive individual. The cycle of infidelity has repeated itself 3 times in your life. At what point will it be broken? Perhaps with a little introspection on your part (and some personal development), you might one day be in a position to attract a woman to you who is not likely to stray.

I'm not here to pick a fight, just adding my opinion.

People are not perfect, Shawanga. Some people cheat - it is not confined to men or women. Please try to think before you hit the keyboard with such harsh judgements on someone you don't even know.

- jazz

Montrose,

I have a friend who is openly cheating with her husband's approval. She, her 'boyfriend' and her husband are all miserable. I don't think this situation you're in will bring anyone happiness. It never does.

Sometimes people cheat to force a situation to a head. Maybe this is your way of getting out of a marriage that doesn't seem to bring you much of anything in the way of happiness.

I do believe that before one jumps into a new relationship, they should figure out what went wrong with the old one. It's possible to keep choosing the same type of person over & over.

If you give marriage counseling a real try and it doesn't work you can at least say you tried. Marriage isn't like a car. You don't turn it in when it doesn't perform the same anymore.....good luck.

Re: Pack your suitcases

I admit being bitter, but not shallow. I just remember a time when people took responsibility for their actions. It takes a lot of deep thought not to follow the masses.