Dating Recently Widowed Man

Try not to get too caught up in your need for a committed (the dreaded c word) relationship dont forget to have fun with your new BF.
He may want to spread his wings a little dont be too surprised and hurt if he looks around.

Obviously it takes a bit of work to make a relationship but being just a little silly and "teenage romantic" might be fun.

Miranda -
Why the need to be introduced to his family and friends?
It has only been 3-4 months since his loss, there is no need for him to publically announce you. Besides, if he has children, there will be a huge backlash.

You and this fella just need to comfort each other and enjoy spending time together. No one else need be involved right now.

His need level is high. He still has to grieving to do. If he hasn't even gotten rid of her toothbrush, he is not ready for another relationship, much less to go public.

Help him to find help so he can grieve. When and if he is ready to go on, you will be there .... AND there is no guarantee that he will want you, when he does.

That's what happens when you pick up a wounded bird. It just might get healed and fly away.

Be careful for your own sake, too.

Hi R,

Your post worries me, because I have fallen for a man who lost his wife in December of 2010. We began dating last month, and last week, he told me that he needs more time. Our relationship had been progressing slowly, but our attraction and chemistry is off the charts, and we ended up in bed one night. We didn't have sex, but did have some foreplay. The next day he didn't call as he usually does, nor did he call the next two days, and I finally asked what was up. I figured he needed more time, and he admitted that he gotten scared. He said that he wanted to be able to be in a relationship with me, and all that comes with it, but that he wouldn't be able to introduce me to family and friends for a while, and he worried that it wasn't fair to me. We hugged and kissed, laughed and cried together, but when he left I felt sad. I care about him immensely, and know he is a great guy, but I think that ultimately I may just need to move on and find someone who can give me what I need. I want to be with him, but I am also a realist, and realize that he may not be ready for at least two years. There is also a 16 year old son in the mix, and I have 8 year old twin daughters.
The question is: Do I wait for him, and if I do, for how long? Or do I cut and run now, and avoid what could be an immensely dissatisfying and frustrating relationship experience, with LOTS of highs and lows?

~kim

I think that says it all. Your situation reminds me of this famous quote:

I had a relationship with a widow for nearly 2 years, to be honest, I would never do it again, it's an emotional roller coaster, if you are going to stay with this man, be very aware that you could get very hurt as I have been.

I was a rock to lean on, a shoulder to cry on, but unfortunately all I have done is helped move her on her way and have been massively hurt in return,

I too am dating a recently widowed man. It's as if I have known him all my life. We are very attracted to each other and feel we have known each other all out lives. From my faith in God and past failed relationships I have finally found it in my heart and soul to do it God's way. During the carelessness of my past the lesson learned is that the only way I can stay on track and understand how I truly feel is to let a relationship play out by getting to know each other and in so doing not include becoming intimate until we know if it's a relationship for a reason or for a season. After adding sex there is no clear way to tell if I like the man or if I just like the sex. Being a senior doesn't take away the libido so this decision and self control is not due to lack of interest in sex. I have been a widow for 16 years and had three prior attempts at being a good mate. Prior connections were driven by attraction with no concern for being equally yoked or doing it God's way. We are both so happy. I know if we were having sex we would be confused. We are in love and waiting to meet each other's families and see what's next. It is so different and so wonderful to be staying in the moment, praying about it and not repeating the same thing I have always done, while expecting different results.

"recently widowed" = high need, confused, grieving, inconsistent, wounded, not ready for anything other than one day at a time.

Anyone who gives it all to a "recently widowed" person is setting themselves up for a heap of hurt.

Don't expect anything and be pleasantly surprised at what the next day brings.

Hi Punkey.

Sorry for the delay in replying to your post.....I'm new on here and I'm not used to the layout, so I've only just realised that there is a "page 2" to this topic!

Thanks for your advice. You are probably right....my "recently widowed man" is not ready for a proper relationship with me or anyone yet. But he is ready for a friend who gives him lots of hugs and who cheers him up and makes him feel better when he is upset. Because above all, that's what we are.....good friends who are there for each other.

Since my last post there have been a few developments.....he has told his brother and sister-in-law about me (although I haven't met them yet). His mum and sister also know about me (his brother told them) and apparently so far everyone has been positive about our "relationship". I think they all just want him to be happy.

He has no children, by the way (he and his wife never wanted them) so at least there are no complications in that department. And my son is nearly 16, so he is practically grown-up.....my son and my “boyfriend” actually get on very well.

We actually live 100 miles apart and we both work, so we usually only see each other at weekends. He has been coming to my house because it’s easier. During the time we have been together, I have spent just 2 weekends at his house, and I have to admit that it was difficult for both of us, especially sleeping in the bed which he used to sleep in with his wife. I have suggested spending another weekend at his house so we can try to get past this, but he said that he would prefer it if I didn’t visit him there for the time being. I must admit this made me feel a bit “pushed out”.

Last weekend we had a long talk about the “issues” surrounding our relationship.....we had lots of hugs and a few tears, and we realised that he has been running away from his grief. As we got together very soon after his wife died, he has not yet spent a weekend on his own in the house. So I have suggested that he needs to do that.....I think when he has had some time and space to come to terms with his grief, he will feel better about “moving on” (hopefully with me!)

We both agreed that we wanted to stay together because there is a lot about our relationship that’s good. We also agreed to go out more and do some “fun stuff”. I understand how difficult things are for him and I am happy to give him all the time that he needs to sort himself out. He knows that I am there for him when he needs me.

I take your point about the “wounded bird”. I am not deluding myself.....I know that ultimately he may “fly away” alone or with someone else. I went into this with my eyes open. If in the long term we don’t end up together, at least I know that we will always be friends. And I will have the satisfaction of knowing that I helped him get his life back together.

I know that I may get hurt but I am prepared for that. And there is always a chance that things may work out. Time will tell......

Thanks for your input/advice. I will keep you informed of any developments!

Miranda x

Miranda,
it was great reading your post, I saw a lot of my same questions in there. I am sorry I do not have any answers for you, just some moral support. Maybe you can update us on what has happened in the last month?
Anyway, I lost my husband February 28 of this year. I started dating a guy (in April) who lost his wife just under two years ago. It has been very interesting. We both handled our grief differently but we both still have our moments. I don’t know where this is going, nor do I care. I enjoy him and he me and that is what it is all about. One thing you learn when losing a spouse is that life is very short.
Even though I believe that with all my heart, it has still been hard for me to refer to him as my boyfriend in front of certain people. Many of these people are still openly grieving and I do not wish to add to their burden this soon. This is not an indication of my feelings for him or our relationship or an indication of my feelings for my late husband; it is just something I have to work through. As time goes on, it becomes easier and society becomes more accepting. I hope you will give him some time to get a grip on things before making a decision on the relationship. Everyone heals differently and at a different pace. Hang in there.

Vblue

I am seeing a widower - we are both 2 years after our losses.

Here's the agreed upon deal: no promises, no plans for the future, no commitments, one day at a time. just enjoy each other, listen to each other and comfort each other. He didn't have such a good marriage. I lost the love of my life. I see him Tues. and Fri/Sat. We talk almost every day. I am very involved with community groups. He is a wonderful distraction.

Do I "Love" him? Yes, he is my best friend. He has helped me thru a lot and vice versa. Just for today; that's all we have.

Hi VBlue.

Sorry about the delay in replying to your post. I just wanted to thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

Unfortunately my “boyfriend” (at my age - 48 - I never was quite comfortable calling him that!) and I split up 2 weeks ago. We had been having problems for a few weeks, so we decided to call it a day. I still love him and he says that he still loves me, but we have both realised that it was (and still is) much too early for him after losing his wife. (It is 6 months now since she died, and we got together 4 months ago).

He admitted that at first he was trying to slot me into the big hole in his life where she had been, and it was when we both realised that (probably a couple of months ago) that things started to go wrong between us. We have realised that I was a useful distraction, especially since we live 100 miles apart....it just meant that he could get right away from all his memories every weekend.

He now wants a bit of space, and time to get used to being on his own in his own house, and although I’m upset and I really miss him, I know that it’s for the best. We had a good talk on the phone the other day and we agreed to stay friends. He said that he wanted to keep in touch with me, and I promised that I would always be there for him if he ever wanted to talk or if he ever felt like getting away from it all and coming to visit me.

I understand how difficult things are for him at the moment, but we both know that this is something that he has to do. He thanked me for being understanding and patient (most of the time!) and he said that I did a lot of good during our brief time together.....I helped him get through the very early days / weeks of the grieving process, which he says he really appreciates. Now he feels that he must continue this process alone for a while.....he says that he is finding this a bit easier now than it would have been if he had been completely alone at the start. I am trying to see this as a positive thing.....it means that I must have done some good and made him feel a bit better during his very “dark days”.

As for me, I am having a few “dark days” of my own.....although we were only together for 4 months, it feels like longer because we knew each other from way back. I really miss him and I have spent several nights crying over this. I always knew that there was a good chance that I would get hurt, but I am finding it more difficult than I thought I would to get over him. I will survive though! I know that in time it will get easier, and we will come out of this as good friends for life. I think that will make it all worthwhile.

I don’t regret getting involved with him, and he says that he doesn’t regret anything either. We had some good times, and we were there for each other when we both needed someone. I have lots of good memories of our time together, and hopefully we will be able to build a few more good memories as friends.

I would just like to thank everyone who has contributed to this thread so far....it has made interesting reading! And to anyone out there who is contemplating a relationship with a recent widow / widower (or indeed anyone who is already in such a relationship and is having problems).....my advice is: go for it, but be very careful. It’s not easy, but just because it didn’t work out for me, doesn’t mean that it can’t work for anyone else. You just have to be very patient and let your partner set the pace, whilst maintaining your own independence. And most importantly, keep talking to each other, be honest and try to recognise any “warning signs”. In your heart of hearts, you will know what is the best thing to do.....

Take care everyone, and try to be happy.

Miranda x

MirandaB
I know probably by now u have move on. Unfortunately I am just reading your comentaries tonight.
I got involved with a man who lost his wife 6 mths later in 2008. She passed away in December 2007.
Chemistry & attraction very strong. Now 2012 (4 yrs later) he still talks of her & says 2 me especially in anger I will never replace his wife. He appologizes later on but the words do not leave me. Love him so much but @ times feel it is not enough. Growing tired.
He was diagnosed as having prostate cancer in mid 2011. Went thru the radiation therapy been there for him. Yet still growing tired. He tells me he really loves me but I do not want 2 feel 2nd fiddle. What 2 do?? Still thinking...

If you stick with this man, IMO, you will be playing 2nd fiddle for the rest of your
life.I can understand a man, just losing his wife, saying things like that to another woman.

After four years though, if he hasn't moved on, he probably never will. By staying with him, you are not allowing yourself to develop new, (and healthier) relationships.

I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling that another person could "never take the place" of one's dead spouse. That was a different time and place in time - so why try to ever feel that anyone could replace or re-live it?

Widowed men grieve differently, for sure. They would let their surroundings stay the same forever, probably because they weren't that involved in the house/decorations anyway. So the bedroom stays the same, the decor never changes, closets don't get cleaned out.

Family members can help re-decorate and move things along. A fresh coat of paint on the walls and a new bedspread does wonders. Some men would never think of that.

This is all so very complicated - one day at a time seems to be the only way to survive.

My heart goes out to all of you . . .

did you need man to love you

Hi Miranda,
I am in a live-in relationship with a man who was married for 45 years and lost his wife 9 months ago. His wife was ill for a long time and she told him she wanted him to move on after she pasted. He knew himself well enough to know that he did not want to be alone. He says he loves me and I love him but we live in their house. He wants my help in getting rid of things that have accumulated over the years but I have to be patient as some things he is not willing to part with yet. This all happened very fast for both of us after we met online. He and I both have health issues that we are willing to help each other out with. He has an amazing sense of humor and has brought out the humor in me which I never even knew I had. We laugh and joke all the time. Let me be clear, it is not perfect - nothing is, but we decided life is too short not to enjoy what time we have left. Two days after he met me he took me to meet his mother (he was so happy when he talked to her on the phone that she asked to meet me). She liked me. He then took me to his wife's grave to meet her. Four days later, I met his youngest daughter and I have met several of his friends since. All of them have kissed me and/or hugged me. I feel like this is their sign of approval and he believes this also. I have even been compared to his deceased wife. I was told I was very similar in many ways.
It is more difficult for me in many ways. I want our relationship to be ours not theirs and the same for our home. I let him know this as gently as possible and he says he understands. Just want you to know that when the time is right, a man who is widowed but is in love will want to "shout it to the world" and introduce you to all proudly. My man does not care what others think. What he wants is whats important.

I am just going to honest. I have a lot of experience when it comes to dating a widowed Man. I have been in a relationship with a widowed man for over a year. We met 6 months after his wife died of pancreatic cancer. She was only 35, He is now 40. To be honest when he told me he had just lost his wife I wanted nothing to do with him, but he was persistant. I eventually thought to myself that if I can help him through this rough time it makes me the better person not even thinking that I may fall in love with him.(DUH!!!!) So here I am in love with a guy who hasn't even removed his wifes clothes or shoes from the closets. I understand people grieve at their own pace and I have never put pressure on him, however. I am starting to think that him and I are not going to go anywhere. He tells me he loves me, we have gone away twice, he talks about marrying me, I have met his whole family- The only people he hides me from are his in-laws. I feel like I will never be first in his life. He feels obligated to take care of his in-laws, they even come before me. I love him dearly and would love to spend the rest of my life with him, but not sure if I can take not being the true love in his life. Is that selfish? Her ashes are in the bedroom. he has moved the pictures of her off the main floor and moved them to the bedroom. At least he has one photo of me up. Will this get better? or am I holding on for nothing? Please help. My advise is to stay away from anyone that just lost someone. In the end you will get hurt. I have not heard one happy story, Has anyone married and lived a happy life with a recent widower? Probably not. We are just the buffers to help them get through it. Help!!! So confused.

My cousin lost his wife to breast cancer only about six months ago. He just got married.

I'm not close to him and I don't know all of the details -- mostly just from Facebook. The person he married started appearing as a girlfriend only a few months ago. I assume from context that they've been friends for a while. They certainly appear happy but I don't know what their story is exactly.

They also got married like a week ago so I have no information re: how long this will last.

They're both in their early 30's.

I have just finished reading the posts...I was looking for some insight into this subject as I recently met and became very fond of a man who just lost his wife of 20 years about 5 mos ago. We met online..and instantly hit it off, we have so much in common, values, likes, dislikes. We chatted for about a month when he told me about his loss. He has been very open with his feelings and I KNOW he still loves his wife. I would think less of him if he didn't.

We went from chatting almost everyday to nothing. It all started one morning, we were having a very nice talk and out of the blue he asked if I had a chance to meet someone local would I start daing them. Being divorced for 2 years and not having met anyone locally, I explained to him that is why I went on line, I was not meeting any quality men locally. He said he just didn't want to hold me back and it might be awhile before we actually met. I explained that I was ok with that....but it just went down hill, I got upset and I have not heard from him in over a month.

It is sad, I feel we would have been very good together and good for each other, but I know if I keep trying to get him to talk to me it will only push him away, so I stay silent. I guess if it is meant to be we will somehow be talking again one day. I will say right now, I miss our conversations, he was such an interesting man, good sense of humor and he "got" my brand of humor....I miss him and even now there are tears streaming down my face as I write..So that is my "involved with a widowed man" story.

Sporty - sorry things didn't turn out like you wanted. Timing was just "off."

Give him some time; date others; keep in touch with him and let him know that you are there for him as a friend and confident.

He sounds depressed. And not feeling worthy of being loved.

It still is very soon after the trauma of losing one's spouse.