My Dilemma 2007

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Here we are. My yearly dilemma. I'd like some greatly appreciated feedback from the group.

I've just discovered that the ex-husband, let's call him John, of a dear friend of mine has remarried and lives right around the corner from my husband and I. And John is still very good friends with another guy, let's call him Ronald, whom I had a meaningless little thing with several years ago. We slept together twice, it didn't amount to much and certainly wasn't important enough for me to ever mention it to my husband but both times I've run into John now, he's bought up Ronald. It's only been casual but the first time, last Thursday morning, he mentioned him in front of my husband, which I didn't like, and this morning when we ran into each other, he brought him up again, as if the little tete a tete Ronald and I had was more than it actually was.

My husband and John are becoming friendly with one another. As a matter of fact, we had a barbecue yesterday, invited people over and, not having a phone number for John yet, my hubby stopped by his home a few times to invite him but was never able to catch up with him. When I saw John this morning and told him about the party he'd missed, he said?-and these were his exact words?-"me and your boy spent the afternoon just chilling out and watching the football games." Now Ronald is "my boy"?

I guess by now you realize my fear. That John may get cute at some point (it's not so farfetched. These guys, old college buddies, can be a messy, ****-starting bunch) and show up at my home with Ronald in tow. Just for fun.

Should I tell my husband about Ronald beforehand? Just in case? I do not want some guy up in my husbands' house and he's unaware of our past relationship. At the same time, I certainly don't want to make a big deal out of it because, frankly, it wasn't a big deal and doesn't deserve to become one. But I'm not going to have my husband be made a fool of that way.

Should I just check John? Warn him that any "surprises" he may be planning would not be appreciated? Or wait to see if and when it does happen and if it does, kick both of them out then? I see the potential for an ugly situation, at best an uncomfortable one, and I'd like to head it off at the pass. But which road should I take?

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Lay the whole situation in front of your husband. If your husband is a decent fellow and if he cares for you, that should be all you need to do.

If he isn't, you need to find that out.

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what f dumb advice, buy avowal

say nothing and deny it even when the old slurper boy is in your face at the bbq, who can prove it

The only way that he can be made a fool of is if you prove it to be true.

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What I did not quite understand:
Did you have that meaningless thingy while already with your husband?
In which case, hmmm, gotto think about it a bit more!

If not, what's the worry?
I am sure your husband is aware that you had a life before him!

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first of all does john infact know you slept with Ron... for sure, or is he surmising.

If the answer is yes
Tell "john" that "ron" wanted you to do him in the ass with a vibrator.
Not joking here it will work.

Oh "john" you mentioned "Ron" the other day....did "Ron" say we slept together? He was such a disgusting tool, does he still like to get it up the asss with a strap on? Oh and he used to yell your name when he orgasmed. Whats going on with that do you think?

If the answer is no let sleeping dogs lie, at least until/if it comes up.
If it comes up, tell your husband he was a disgusting vile creature who you slept with when you were drunk cause you felt sorry for him and now are not proud of the fact.

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Apparently that would shut dadpad up but real men may not be quite so homeopathic oops or some such.

Perhaps a foursome with ron and jon and a stick strapped on will keep things quiet for half an hour until the news leaks out.

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epenthesis wrote:

Apparently that would shut dadpad up but real men may not be quite so homeopathic oops or some such.

Perhaps a foursome with ron and jon and a stick strapped on will keep things quiet for half an hour until the news leaks out.

Sorry eoe, Seriouse issue for you, I know.

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Hi eoe,

I get the dilemma. Seems sneaky to have not said anything about it so far, but sneakier if he learns it from someone else, and you haven't actually done anything wrong.

Unfortunately, I think the "sneakier if he learns it from someone else" part means you have to say something, because it sounds like there is too high of a probability that he will learn it from someone else.

It's not gonna be a pleasant conversation, just one of those things to hold your nose and get through I think. Something like, "Honey, you know that guy John? That's cool that you guys are getting to know each other, he's a good guy. [pause here for something conversational about John, pounce on any leads to segue to Ronald] That's right, he was busy with that guy Ronald, right? Well, it's a small world and everything... [pause, wait to see if he starts to get the import of what you're saying] Yeah, we had a minor thing a long time ago. Not worth bringing up until now, but if you're going to be seeing him I felt better about getting that out there. [answer any questions, reiterate minor-ness, grit teeth and follow lead] OK great, glad we have that taken care of, I was feeling kinda weird about it. Now, [change subject]."

Good luck!

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sometimes i look at mating behavior and laugh.

unless your in middle school, it should be a non-issue.

I for one could care less who my partner has slept with. if she tells me, cool, if not, who cares.

All you have to tell your husband if he brings it up, is that ron was horrible in bed and you don't like thinking about him, let alone talking about it. be sure to stress how bad he was.

Your husband will probablly even get a "haha he sucks in bed im superior and dominant" guy thing out of it.

if he cares too much he is being insecure. remember that!

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eoe- If it were me, I would have a very lighthearted discussion with my husband. I would mention that I had a meaningless "thing" with Ron a while back. I would also mention that John appears to take delight in teasing you about it, and that you wanted your husband to know the facts before John decides to say something to him. Make light of it. If you make the discussion too serious, your husband may think that the relationship was more that just a little "thing".

Second, tell John, in no uncertain terms, that you do not appreciate his teasing, and that a real friend would not do that. If he persists, tell your husband that what John is doing is making you very uncomfortable.

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OGIONIK, you're the one with two live-in partners, right?

I think your milieu might be unusually un-jealous.

It's a good point that everyone varies, though. From what I've read of eoe and her husband in the last... uh... 7 years?! (when did I meet you, eoe?), I think he'd respond similar-ish-ly to my husband. Which would be, not liking the thought of it at ALL, but getting over it soon enough.

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see you next thursday fortnight

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For me, in the same situation, I'd go for coming clean...
Honesty works better. And it has the bonus of heading off an uglier conflict farther down the road.
I'd stress that Ron was a nothing and that John is such an ass for the continual bring-up. I'd ask advice for the best way to handle John. I'd share the problem and concerns; I'd get my husband in my corner.

I would also be leaning toward the up-front talk with John.
I'd be like look, It's cool you and Ron hang out, but really, Ron was a two night stand for me, it was a long time ago, I'm married now, and your little comments about Ron are just annoyingly immature. So can we move on?

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if yer wanna stop the innuendo, tell john one more word on the subject and i'll accuse you of attempted rape with a less than deadly

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Thanks Bohne, soz, phoenix and caribou for your input. I appreciate you guys taking the time to read my tale.

Of course my husband knows that there were men before him. I was forty when we married, for pete's sake! But having one of them in his home, and he's unaware of the history, would be nasty. Just put the shoe on the other foot?-I did?- and imagine how it might feel.

There is no reason for Ronald to ever be in my home. Plain and simple. And John may realize this, or he may just have enough couth to know better and my concerns are all for naught. Of course he knows about Ronald and I. That's "my boy", remember?

I'm not really worried about John saying anything directly to my husband. He's not insane but he may be goofy enough to find it amusing on a slow day.

So, I need to tell my husband AND have a few words with John also, huh? Rolling Eyes

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Looks like it. I liked caribou's ideas, phrasing-wise.

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Thanks to contrex also. Cutting to the chase is always appreciated.

Geez. I'm gonna hate this conversation with both my hubby and John.

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I feel oracular.

None of the male posters on this thread are serious competition for Dr. Phil.

Eoe--

If I were you, I'd confront John. "My boy?" What are you talking about?

I'd have that uncomfortable conversation with my husband.

At least you're not trying to be elected to a civic office.

Would that the past would stay decently buried.

Hold your dominion.

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Noddy24 wrote:

If I were you, I'd confront John. "My boy?" What are you talking about?

Yes, I agree with Noddy.
Furthermore, I don't like the sound of John at all! He sounds rather unpleasant & immature to me. (How old did you say he was?) I assume he keeps bringing up "your boy" to discomfort you, eoe?

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I've been curious about that msolga. Why he feels a need to bring him up at all? It's always in passing, in quick but casual conversation. We've only talked maybe ten minutes in total now, the two times we've seen each other. Perhaps he'd rather connect with me that way than through the association with his ex-wife, which is of course how he and I met. Can't blame him for that, tho. He was a sonofabitch to her. But he admitted it upfront and honestly when we spoke for the first time last week. Gotta give him props for that.

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My Dilemma 2007

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