Baby's in black (lists) and I'm feeling blue.

I know that since Mo has attachment issues this stuff needs to be dealt with in particular ways (and which is why I always hope a pro can be involved -- sucks about insurance).

Soz--

I agree with the need for professional advice--although down-in-the-trenches, practical professional advice about attachment disorders seems hard to come by.

Thus far cuddling and concern hasn't worked. Mo needs to learn to comfort himself and a little benign neglect might be useful.

I acquired a 10 year old stepson who was given to kicking, screaming tantrums. Ignoring him accomplished much more than sweet reason or empathetic understanding. The tantrums were his problem, not mine.

(His real mother admired his displays of artistic temperment and bragged about his ungovernable temper).

Besides, just trying something different will make Boomer feel better.

Attachment issues? I heard an incredible story on This American Life - it is the second act in the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE episode. It's about a family that adopts a boy from Romanian orphanage who went through serious attachment issues- including hurting people, stealing, etc... The mother went to extreme lengths in attachment therapy with him.
Thank God Mo's case is nowhere near as serious... but I found their story vastly moving and inspirational and I don't even have a troubled kid.

It was the therapy they underwent that was most hardcore:

Heidi found a doctor with a controversial method to deal with attachment disorder. Heidi would have to spend months trying to create a bond that Daniel never had. They could never be more than 3 feet apart. Daniel would everything handed to him, he couldn't say what he wanted, he had to rely on his mother that she will know exactly how to meet his needs. They also had to stare into each others eyes with every interaction, hours a day. Very much like a mother and infant would be in the beginning of his life. Daniel hated the treatment initially. But after the first month his hate began to melt, he realized she wasn't so bad, and that she wasn't going anywhere, and he realized that his mother loved him and would not leave him. And Daniel began to change, to be transformed, to be one who was able to love and be loved.

....sorry for the diversion, I was just fascinated with this story for sooo long. I'm done, promise.

Dag--

You're right--it is a fascinating story.

There is some really good advice here, especially from Noddy, our voice
of reason for all seasons.

I said it before and I stress it again: martial arts has helped us tremendously, and little Jane gained so much from the Karate lessons.
When she started, she was Mo's age and she kept it up for quite some
time, as she liked it very much.

Mo is probably feeling insecure, being in a new house, new school, new
neighborhood, new friendships to be formed and so on. It's a lot for a
little guy to swallow. His acting out is probably an outlet for his anxiety,
and although it will take a while until he feels secure enough, in the
meantime, he needs to learn to channel his anxiety differently. Some
professional feedback could be really valuable here, and I would check
with the schools too - ours had a therapist on sight once a week.

How about having a house warming party and invite all the neighbors
and their kids to break the ice. That might be a good opportunity for
Mo to make new friends and a step towards feeling more secure with
his new surroundings.

For what it's worth:


Right now, for now, Mo's fledgling ability to self soothe has gone down the toilet. He can't do it. That is a crux of the problem. He will get what he had back.....but it's gonna take time. He needs lots of scaffolding while he does it.


Sure, if you can't soothe him, you will need to let him get it out. I think you need to stay connected while he does it, though...with empathic comments and continuing to let him know you will help him, and not let him hurt himself or anyone/thing else.


I think the wagons need circling for a long time. If you uncircle enough to let a kid in to play, he's gonna need intense structure, short duration, and you really close. Anything less and he'll fail, and each time we let him do that, it has consequences for his acceptance in his new neighbourhood.

The stealing? Again not uncommon with these kids....this is where the structure thing comes in, and calmth and logical consequencing.

Dlowan knows far more than I do.

Once Mo learns to manage his childhood burdens, his adult burdens will seem easy.

Clinical experience is a valuable tool.

So too is the hindsight of practical parenting experience.

The stealing tag seems out of proportion to the act mentioned I felt, but dont feel you need to go into further detail Boomer.

When my daughter shoplifted a packet of lollies from the supermarket we made her take it back and apologise. The store owner/manager said "sweetheart if you had said you wanted that, I would have given it to you"

And, to an outside observer, there seem to be attachment expert wars.

I'm ignorant.

Hugs and support from here, to you and our Mo.

Hehe! Did you notice, Osso, how your post made the Google ads all be about experts!?



**** attachment expert wars. Each kid is different, which is what makes commenting in this kind of milieu so invidious, and, frankly, one of the reasons why I generally avoid the emotional and ideological hot house of "Parenting" like the plague.

Only, I love Boomer.

In real life, the process is so much more fluid.....you give a parent/carer as much information as they can take in (unlike Boomer, parents are often so traumatised themselves that hearing the research on trauma/attachment trauma is so overwhelming that you have to take it a millimeter at a time, and deal with the emotional storms)....and feel your way in partnership with the carers: "ok, here's the theory.....here's the suggestions...how did it go? What's gonna be the key for THIS kid and THIS family? Was this helpful? No? Hmmm...let's tweak it a little."


In real life, you're working with the school....with other systems.


Sometimes, something that is contrary to all that is known or recommended works with a particular kid.

Reality is infinitely complex.












One of the things I find is a terrible trip rope for people dealing with these kids is something I call "toxic hope".


Toxic hope is achingly human and utterly understandable, but it SUCKS!

It happens in all sorts of situations, but what I am referring to here is the hope that it is all over, it's fixed, it won't go pear shaped again.


With these kids, it WILL go pear shaped again. THis is normal. It happens with all kids to some degree, but with these kids, it happens with a bang.

It may be triggered by change, developmental stages, **** that we don't know what it was, a crisis or problem in the kid's life, a reminder of what has happened to them.......whatever, but it WILL happen.


When carers have toxic hope, when it goes pear shaped, it is panic time. "I'm no good" "The therapist is no good, I want someone who can FIX this once and for all!" "The kid is no good"


Carers feel paralysed......people with the greatest skills can't access them....they have dealt with this **** brilliantly before, they have all the skills they need, but, because they frame it as a disaster, a catastrophe, it is hard for them to access their wonderful wisdom with this little person.



I know these times are hard, but they do not mean the carer is no good. They do not mean that the kid, or you, have lost the skills and love and all that.


Would you curse yourself because a storm happens? Would you torment yourself because of a hurricane?


No....you would batten down and circle the wagons.




(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Boomer))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

There is likely some setup that if I am ever quoted, it will be for some befuddled thing I said, given the routine proportionality.

I'll quiet down now, way out of my league.

Isnt it funny (interesting) the way parenting is still trial and error. You'd think we'd know how to do it properly after so many millenia.

Like the rabbit said, try something, tweak it, try again.

In the "ask and ye shall recieve" category of the world....

We were invited to a "block party" sort of thing by the parents of Mo's new best friend tonight. (This is one of the kids that Mo hit and is on shakey ground with but luckily his parents are wonderful and delightful and forgiving people (I'll tell more of this story when I can)).

One of the invitees- the next door neighbor of best friend's parents (and therefore just a few doors down from me) is a psychiatrist -- a child psychiatrist. She has an adopted daughter and they have suffered through some of this. She has a NAME for me -- a therapist who is well versed and very experienced with these issues. Someone who has really helped them.

She is going to give me the NAME and I will cross my fingers that my insurance will cover it or that I can afford it somehow.

Funny thing -- she said "Nobody knows unless they have really been there". I wanted to sit down and cry because nothing is truer.

Like dlowan says: you try, you tweak, you try, you tweak, you try, you tweak.


Holy crap. Toxic hope.

If a picture is worth a 1,000 words "toxic hope" is worth a 1,000,000.

Toxic hope.

True that.

Thank you all again for your help. It has really been a hard time and I don't know if I would have managed without this outlet. I will try to respond more directly later but you are all my dears.

Boomer--

You're not alone--not on A2K, not in Portland.

You're not a failure--you're heroic in spite of constantly returning to Go.

I hope at some point you'll be planting a memorial, colorful-vegetable garden at Go to give other Real Mothers the courage to soldier on.

Hold your dominion.

Crossed fingers re the NAME!!!!!


It's good even having someone a few doors down who really understands!!!!







Boomer: you do understand that I am not decrying hope, and belief that Mo can grow and develop and learn to regulate himself, don't you?


(Chews claws anxiously)



By toxic hope, I mean hope based on an unreasonable belief; eg that Mo is not going to have regressions from time to time.


(PS Gotta love those Google ads! For me, they are now telling me where to get counselling in Sydney and Melbourne!)

Oh gosh, I'll never give up hope or quit trying when it comes to Mo.

But sometimes it does feel toxic.

I think it must be very like staying with someone who abuses you. Having the "abuser" be a little kid makes it all the more complicated.

When things get wonky and we have to slam the door on the world it is very, very easy to get isolated. Thank you for the reassurance that I'm not alone.

At the party last night Psychiatrist and her friend were talking about the NPR story that dagmarka linked. I'm going to get my computer speakers hooked up so that I can give it a listen

I'm feeling better just for blurting.

Thanks all.

What do you mean a NAME for you?

Name-of-a-therapist who has experience in treating children with attachment problems.