What’s happening to our marriage!?!?

Thanks Marty, he is the light of my life. I looked up some of your old posts and read that you the 2 years before your divorce were spent pretty much well where I am now. On the one hand it makes me realize that other people go through this & eventually come out ok so the same will be true for me but on the other hand I can't imagine feeling this way another month let alone another year or more. How did you finally let him go? Did you ever try counseling & if so how did it help? I try so hard to force myself into not loving him anymore. I try to convince myself that I shouldn't allow myself to love him because of the way he's treated me, but then I think back to just a year ago at how very much in love we were and how sweet and kind & caring he had always been and I cry and my heart tells me "No you can't let go, fight for him, this is not the way your story goes. He does love you, he has to love you, somewhere, somehow…just stick it out a little longer".

What is wrong with me? What am I waiting for? Why can't I let go?

I try to imagine a year from now, if we are divorced will I still cry when he leaves after visiting our son? Will it still hurt this bad? I don't know how I can live like that.

Noddy, I try to look back and compare the man I fell in love with, the man that less than one year ago easily expressed how in love with me he was, to the man that is currently ruining my life to see if there is anything that I should've seen as a warning of what was to come. I can't think of any signs.

I didn't even know I could take my name off the card. Even if I do our credit report is joint isn't it? I know nothing about this stuff but I guess it's just one more thing I have to really take the time to research.

I will let you all know how I feel after my first session. I have to admit I've been really confused as to why I am even going. When I spoke to the therapist on the phone her last questions really shook me up. She first said "So you're looking to find clarity and accept that you're getting divorced?" I was immediately defensive when she said that because truly don't want a divorce in my heart of hearts I want to work this out. When I explained that to her she asked "What do you expect to get out of therapy?" to which I honestly replied "I don't know."

Iggie--

I'm in a bit of a rush, but when your therapist asks you for your goals in therapy, tell her that you want to understand yourself and what is going on.

You're tired of being confused.

Hi,

Like you, I tried very hard to keep my marriage together. I was even willing to forgive his infidelity just to keep my precious family whole. I know that I did everything that I could have done and he had already left the marriage before I was even aware of his feelings. The two years that we were seperated was pure hell. I was in limbo and denial. It wasn't until I had my divorce papers that I felt I could start healing.
Sure, I still have rough moments, but overall I'm OK with myself. I am so ready to move on as I'm sure you will reach that point too if your husband doesn't turn things around.
I just want you to know that my credit report was dinged shortly after the divorce because my ex skipped a boat payment. Even though the boat was granted to him in the divorce, my name was still on the loan. If you're worried about this type of thing seek some professional advice right away. Maybe there is someone here that can help. Post something in the legal section.
Most importantly, take care of yourself and don't get down on yourself. It sounds like this is a problem your husband is going through and dragging you along. Keep your chin up and know that you are a wonderful woman and an amazing mother.

Thanks for your kind words & sound advice. It means so much to have a neutral sounding board! I will post after my first session.

Something is VERY wrong here. You say he has no furniture, yet the CC is up to $7K - WHAT is he buying??

This is key to his "falling apart" so fast - and the drinking.

Could he be a compulsive gambler, addicted to paid porn? Have a girlfriend? Drinking to ease his guilt?

You need a lawyer ASAP. You need to protect yourself financially, while this plays out. It's been WAY too long. His refusal to get professional help and the fact that no one knows what's going on is a real key.

Can you accept that he is not coming back? That he cannot be a father or a husband? Once you accept that, you will be able to take care of yourself. I think you are still hanging on to the man you married a milliion years ago.

He is gone. Grieve and then move on.

Sullyfish makes an excellent point.

Seven thousand dollars squandered without visible results?

Also, his mother picks up his laundry? Does he accumulate it in one place or does she wander through the unfurnished rooms of his life collecting dirty socks and underwear for the weekly wash?

You were Best Friends with this man while you were playing house together. Now that you are a family and he's supposed to be a Husband and Daddy as well as a Best Friend, he can't cope.

He's not a real grown-up--and he may never be.

Hello all. It has been A VERY LONG TIME since I last posted. I’d like to let you all know that I did in fact make it to that first counseling session and have continued to go every week since.

I was so hesitant to try counseling for so many reasons but mostly because I could not fully grasp how talking about my problems could benefit me. Well thanks to all of you who insisted this was the right thing for me to do. It has changed my life for the better, more than I could have ever hoped for. I tell anyone who confides in me with their problems to seek counseling because I’m sure it will change their lives too.

When I was finally confident enough to move on with my life the most amazing thing happened. My husband decided that he wanted to join me for my sessions and we have been going together now for 5 months.

It was like once I became the old confident, independent, self sufficient, positive, happy person I used to be (only older & wiser) my husband could not help but be curious as to whether he would have the same effect from it too.

He is more than a year sober and has continued to go to AA but has recently been thinking about stopping that. While it has helped him tremendously he thinks that he’s ready to move on from that and focus on our marriage counseling and seeking a separate psychologist for himself.

We still live separately and neither of us has decided which direction we want our marriage to go BUT we are friends again. We laugh together & enjoy each others company. I began to understand how we got to this point and what part I played in it as well.

For lack of a better way to put his I see now “what’s wrong” with him…I guess what I’m trying to say is that I see his struggle now. He has many demons he’s battling and I am going to be there for him like I always have, as his best friend.

I do have my bad days where I begin to feel sad about all that we’ve been through but those moments are short lived because I can talk to him about it and know he knows exactly where I’m coming from because he’s going through it too.

I still hope that one day we both decide we want to be husband & wife again but for right now what we have, being in “limbo”, is fine for me.

He knows that while I’m not out there actively seeking romance that I am very open to it. While I’ve had a few admirers I have not taken anyone up on a date, YET.

Our son is now 2 and is still the happiest baby I’ve ever known.

I hope all of you are well and I will keep you posted with any updates good or bad.

Iggy

I'm really glad to hear this, IM. Glad to hear some positive results on here. You sound like you know yourself better - great! I couldn't be happier for you.

Oh good news. Excellent to read it!