What’s happening to our marriage!?!?

Iggy--



Mr. Mid-Life-Crisis has been betraying you for months whether or not he's been to bed with another woman.

You said, "Enough."

He said, "Oh, good. I've been wanting to come clean."

I'm not there. I don't know him. I suspect he doesn't want to confess to you in order to preserve your marriage. He wants to confess to you so you realize what a wild, passionate, living-on-the-edge SOB he really is.

He thinks he's complex, fascinating and adorable. I'm inclined to write him off as a self-centered brat because he doesn't care about your feelings--or about his son. All he cares about is being the center of your attention.

You do not "deserve" to be treated the way this guy is treating you. You deserve better.

I agree with you Noddy. Why did it take me putting my foot down for him to finally come clean?

After I hung up on him yesterday. He sent me the following text messages:

"Please answer your phone. We need to talk about this. I have not been myself & I know I have a problem. If you can forgive me, call me. I love you."

"Can you ever forgive me? I've kept you in the dark when you needed me most. I wasn't realizing how much I needed you too. I've been asking for advice on things that you had answers to. We have always been able to talk. I had been focused on all the bad and forgot about all the really good. I know I have a problem and I WILL get help. For you, for the baby, for me. At this pace I will get fired or be dead. I couldn't accept that YOU are my best friend who helps me with everything. It's been all about ME & I now know how unfair that is. I understand if you can't forgive me & I will have to try to live with the fact that I broke up our family. I don't like me right now & I'm hurting everybody. This is NOT the guy you married and I f-ing hate him! Please respond…Somehow."

"I've quit drinking & I'm getting myself back on track to be the man you fell in love with. I love you."

He was waiting to speak to me at home after work but I saw his truck there and called my mother in law to say that I would not be coming home while he is still there. I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of groveling and crying to me that easily.

I just dont know anymore. On the plus side I'm feeling better today as far as my anxiety goes. I'm hoping to find a therapist this week hopefully I can schedule something as soon as next week? I'm still feeling weird about telling someone my problems face to face. I guess that's just another thing I have to get over.

Iggy--



Given a choice between feeling weird and being miserable, I'd opt for weirdness every time--particularly since Weird is a state of mind with a destination and Miserable is a state of muddle.

Your mother-in-law sounds like a good woman.

Consider yourself, then your son.

Then--and only then--consider whether Mr. Mid Life Crisis is worth the grief he's given you.

Hold your dominion.

Hello everyone. It's been a while just thought I'd update ya'll. I have not sought counseling yet. Just haven't had an opportunity. I know I should make time for myself but being thrown in to being a single mom takes some adjusting. Anyway we did not talk all week I asked him to make time to discuss things at our home last Thursday but he never showed or called even after agreeing to. He decided to push me aside and chose to go bowling with his dad instead. WTF? I had an obligation to go to my father in-law's birthday bbq Saturday. I was dreading this for many reasons. I hadn't seen or spoken to my husband and his extended family would be at the party. Needless to say AWKWARD! I didn't feel like putting on the fake face and acting like everything was fine in front of all of their guests. So I purposely go there extra early so that I wouldn't have to leave too soon after arriving. Once my husband arrived I left. I told my mother in law I'd be back in a few hours to pick up the baby. She of course understood. As soon as I got back he left. I didn't want to have to be the one to keep insisting that we talk but inevitably I gave in and attempted to contact him several times this week to no avail. This morning he finally text me back promising that he would call me as soon as he was out of his meeting. He never did. Instead he email me and then called just to tell me to read his email. Apparently he's gotten a promotion, yay for him boo for us. Because with this promotion comes more travel. AKA: more time to escape away from his family. It seems that he's been going to alcoholics anonymous as well and has been sober for 11 days. I guess that's a good sign on his part but I still feel hurt that he hasn't let me in, in any capacity. He says he's taking things one day at a time but where does that leave me & my son? Waiting at the side lines again. I know he needs to do what he has to do to get "better" but I'm left with all the everyday problems of life in general, raising our son, paying the bills & mortgage…keeping it all together so that when he's ready to come back everything is just as he left it? I don't know how much longer I can play the supportive…I don't know what I am anymore… Ex? Wife? Friend? Baby's mama? I replied to his email demanding that he give me an exact date, within a reasonable time frame, of when to expect him to come and speak to me face to face.

Am I just continuing myself to be made a fool? I don't know what to do anymore…

I had forgotten (or maybe I didn't realize) that there was travel involved. Is he a road warrior by chance? I ask because I used to be one. And if it goes on for too long, it can absolutely kill your marriage. RP and I were lucky because I was pulled off the road after about 2 1/2 years. That was more than enough.

Anyway -- to add an anecdote -- there were three of us auditing. Me (the only woman), R__ and J__. They had both been doing it for about 2 years when I was hired (that was in 1995 and I've had jobs since then). Anyway, a few months after I was hired, J__ was injured in a car accident, seriously enough to be on long-term disability for a few months. I suppose he and his wife grew close again and so far as I am aware they are all right. As for R___, his marriage fell apart. He has since retired and remarried but the travel absolutely wore out the marriage. As for my situation, we had strain and it was difficult but we were not separated or anything like that. But I can see how people would be.

For the traveler, life is tiring and your stomach is often unsettled by weird foods. Plus working out, if you do that, is sporadic at best. For me, traveling meant I had to be "on" all the time. It was exhausting. Plus, we didn't stay in terribly nice hotels or cities. There were few perks. I ate at more Bob's Big Boys and TGI Fridays than I want to remember.

For the person at home, life is just as tiring. The laundry still has to be done. Meals still must be cooked, and bills paid. The home does not clean itself. We had a dog and of course most of the care went to my husband. With you, it's the care of your son. It's draining.

When the traveler is away, things are removed. He or she may have input but it's not as meaningful as being there and really knowing the score. When the traveler is home, everyone's tired but everyone wants to put some of their respective burdens on the other person. A mountain of laundry arrives. A person who hasn't had a decent meal in a while goes to the table and hopes to be fed. A person with all of the child care wants to hand over the child for a while. Etc. etc.

Things are complicated, of course, because of the drinking and it's nothing we need to rehash. And I realize I'm talking in generalities and it may not be absolutely the same for everyone but for R__, J__ and me, it was just like that, we all felt and experienced the same things.

I used to travel about 200 days per year, and it's lonely and depressing, too. I am infinitely glad that I don't do that any more. I will never, ever take another job like that. I hope that your husband and his company can find a way to do some of his work virtually so that he can be home even a little bit more. I know that 10% more time at home would have made a difference for me.

Hon.... The first three labels, and even the last one somewhat, are IN RELATION TO HIM. As if he is the lighting torch by which you define your identity.... It may be hard to get back to this idea in the middle of all this, and after so many years together, - but your identity is SEPARATE from him... Expecting for him or someone else to explain what you are in relation to him - it is, again, the miserable state of waiting on the sidelines for his decision....

You are - let's say, an interesting, intelligent, deep woman, you are a mother, you are someone very valuable... Independently of anybody behavior... When you find this ground to stand on, you won't feel like you are waiting for him... Whether he rights himself or not, YOU will decide what to do with him if he comes back... if not, then he is a loser, but you are together and can manage your life...

I'm sadder than ever! I gave this letter to my husband on Saturday night. I've not seen or heard from him since. I'm trying to be strong but the sadness consumes me and I'm feeling more & more depressed by the minute. I think I have to face the reality of my life. I guess I need to finally do something for myself & make time to get counseling.

I love you with all that I have. I love you even though it hurts to no end. I love you so much that each moment without you kills me. I miss everything about you, your touch, your smell, your hands, your face, your embrace, your voice & laughter. I miss us.

I know you are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know it whole heartedly. No one has to convince me of that. I don't have to convince myself. I don't need to figure it out. I know I want to fight for us, for our future, for our family… for the 3 of us. We've always said the two of us TOGETHER, we can do ANYTHING. I still believe that. I KNOW THAT. But you don't, not anymore.

It wasn't that long ago that you would look at me and tell me that BOTH the baby & I were your "reasons". It wasn't that long ago that you looked at me and said the reason you love your son so much is because when you look at his face you see me. It was not that long ago, although it feels like forever ago.

I feel that each day you are away from home is just another day making it easier for you to be away from us. Each day that you're alone is just making it that much easier to be without me. I feel that for you, time will not make the heart grow fonder for me. On the contrary it's growing colder. You are becoming more and more distant with each passing moment and you are allowing yourself to become used to it. I feel that you don't miss us, me & you, together, a team. I feel that you don't want what I want. Not anymore.

You are still an important part of my life. The most important actually, next to our son. I don't even put myself before you. I've been ok with that all this time because that's how much I love you. Because up until a few months ago I thought that's how you felt about me too. But I can't anymore. Not for someone who will not do the same for me.

I can't be the only one fighting for us. I can't be the only one dying for this relationship to work. I can't be the only one longing for intimacy, for security, for companionship. I can't be the only one willing to do WHATEVER it takes.

I deserve to be in love with someone who is just as in love with me. I deserve to wake up each morning and just know without a shadow of a doubt that I am loved by my husband. I deserve to feel safe & secure that my husband is true to me, will always be there for me whenever I need him and for whatever reason without any explanation because that's why he's with me. To be that one person for me, like I am for him. I deserve to live without fear that tonight he may not come home, that he may never come home. I DESERVE TO LIVE AND LOVE WITHOUT FEAR.

You continue to break your word to me. Just days ago you said you'd no longer ignore my calls or messages. Now here I am again in the same place I've been at far too often lately. In a place so dark and lonely I would think that if you loved someone you wouldn't want them to be there. I don't think I could handle you standing me up for our "date" Saturday and I just can't trust that you won't let me down again because you already have. I just can't bear the thought.

I can no longer allow you to mistreat me. I don't want our son to grow up thinking that it is ok to treat his own family the way you've been treating us or for him to think I allow you to treat me this way. Soon he will be old enough to understand things for himself and it will be up to you to explain to him all by yourself why you chose to be away from him.

I have to conclude on my own & for myself that you must not love me. You must not want to be my husband, my partner, my best friend. I must conclude that, on my own & for myself, because you will not dispute it or prove me wrong. You choose not to show me any signs of love at all. YOU CHOOSE NOT TO LOVE ME.

So now I have to choose to try with all my might to stop loving someone who does not love me back. I have to for my own sanity and well being. I have to because you are not giving me any reason to allow myself to continue to love you. You are not giving me even a thread of hope. You are not fighting for us to make it.

I think we should end our marriage. We can't both afford lawyers and I don't think it should come down to an ugly battle. I'm sure we can figure it out on our own and just file for either a legal separation, so we can figure things out or file for uncontested divorce. We can do that lawyer free so long as we agree to everything on our own. I'm not going to fight you for anything. I'm not going to fight you at all. I just want to make things as easy as possible for the baby's sake. I just want to try to be happy again in any capacity, even if it means having to try to do it without my soul mate.

I'm sorry for so much, but mostly for not being the one you know you can't live without…

Iggy--

Good letter, flawed man.

Yesterday, on the car radio I heard a snatch of a country music song. I don't remember the exact words but the advice was, "When you find yourself in hell, keep going and you'll arrive at the other side."

Unfortunately, your excursion to hell was booked for you--without your consent.

All the same, you have to keep marching on, both for yourself and for your son.



Right on, sister!

You've explored the possibilities of being a "Possibly Abandoned Woman" and established that you're an "Abandoned-as-in-Deserted Woman" and you've decided to move on.

Facts are facts and you're seeing reality clearly. This is the first big step to change.

Let us know how it goes.

Hold your dominion.

Oh wow. I hardly know what to say. That letter was so expressive, so moving. What a terrible situation. Are a lot of men this way? Do men suddenly change when their wife has a baby?

What exactly is a midlife crisis? Is it caused by chemical/hormonal changes? I don't understand much about this stuff.

Iggy, you just wrote the book of my life.

My first marriage was a lot like yours is now. Oh my friend, I wish I had something inspirational to say but words fail me.
There comes a time when you have to make a stand. I believe you are there, but holding on to hope. Then comes a time to put a halt to hope and make a stand again.
With this comes peace, I assure you. You need to search for your peace. It feels like you're jumping off of a cliff, but you are not. You will find your peace when you take that leap.
Right now you are merely spinning your wheels. It causes chaos and stress. Divorce will first seem like failure, but you will find success. I do not encourage divorce, but from your posts, it is what he wants and what you'll have to do because he is putting the ball in your court so he won't have to live with the guilt of yet another thing.
Please cleanse your inner self and find your peace. If not, it will be your own destruction. I hold you close in my heart and hope for the best for you and your child.

Thanks for your support Noddy. I'm really trying to be strong…really, really trying. It's hard but getting easier as I allow myself to accept that I have done all I can & it is no longer up to me to try for us. I have to try for myself. For my son.

Aeroz, I really wish I knew the answers to your questions. I've never known (first hand) of other men changing so drastically in what seems like over night. It boggles my mind…the person he's become without me even realizing it was happening until POOF this new man was just here. I've know him since we were 12 years old...12 years old! I thought I knew him better than he knew himself (we're 30 for crying out loud). I guess you just never know.

I don't want to say that it is because of the baby. He is not to blame for any of this. I have to wonder though if the change of lifestyle that comes with being a parent didn't have something to do with this? Midlife crisis…Well I'm not sure I believe in them. Seems to me like it was invented as an excuse for acting like a fool and not having to take responsibility for it. Midlife crisis - PLEASE! Get over it & GROW THE "F" UP!!!!


Bells, thank you for taking the time to put things into perspective for me! I do feel like I'm jumping off a cliff and it's almost impossible for me to see that I will one day find peace with the fact that I will be divorced. It really helps to REMEMBER other's have been through this & come out stronger or as you say successful again. It's hard to remember that my life, my situation isn't the center of the universe (I've been consumed by this living nightmare). I almost forgot all the good things just waiting for me out there. Thankfully I get jolted back to reality each time I see my baby boys beautiful face…And when my A2K friends remind me.

Thanks everyone for your support, your "ears", your advice & well wishes. It has meant so much to me!

How could I not remember that there are more important things in life than dwelling in my own misery, when I get to wake up to this beautiful smile everyday?

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Iggy--

Your son is a charmer. You have one good man (well, potential man) in your life.



Marriage takes two people. Strong woman that you are, you are only one person.

Just checked back in here after seeing iguanamama in another thread and saw those pictures! What a doll baby your son is. Cute as can be, he is.

I am so confused as to why I can not let my husband go…even though he has been gone for so long. There have been so many moments, fleeting moments, where I can see a glimmer of the man I fell in love with but… then in an instant the cold, lost, hurtful, lonely, depressed, confused, distant monster reveals himself once more.

I don't know why I can't accept that this is the end of my marriage. I think & re-think the events that led us here but time & time again I come to the conclusion that this can not be the end. How can I love him so much still, even though he shows me no signs of love at all & hasn't since…well I cant remember when?

I cry each time I see him because I just want to go to him & scoop him up in my arms & make him realize that we are worth holding on to.

On Christmas Eve my gift touched his heart and made him cry. He told me that night that he was going to get psychiatric help. He said he wanted to come back home. That night he did and stayed until New Years Eve. That was the last time he tried to come back and since then he has not made any attempts to see a psychiatrist.

Sometimes I feel I can't move on because I have to see him when he comes to see our son. It's not as if our relationship was bad for so many years and so now it's just a relief that he is out of my life. I was left in the dark that he was doubting our relationship and have not been given any answers as to what I did to make him leave in the first place. Sometimes I think it would be easier if he had just totally abandoned us. At least then I would be forced to accept that he is gone, but he has only abandoned me emotionally and each time I see him just brings back every ounce of pain I felt the first time he left. I keep reliving it over & over each time he passes through and I don't know how to detach myself from "Us".

I feel pathetic, hopeless… I am so lost & lonely and my best friend isn't there for me because my best friend is the cause of all of this.

I know I need to get help myself but I just can't bring myself to make the appointment. I don't know why Im so scared to, I guess Im scared that I will be helped into letting go and deep down inside I just can't bear the thought that this is really over?

Iggie--

Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know. You've had a lot of change in your life lately: a new baby, a vanishing husband. I can see you postponing counseling just because you don't want any more new paths and uncertain futures.

Unfortunately, the only person in your immediate world who is trying to take care of you, is you.

Could your husband possibly be gay? This would fit in with his loving/rejecting, loving/rejecting now-you-see-him-now-you-don't behavior.

All the same, whatever your husband's reasons for abandoning you and your son, he's not worth you sitting on the edge of your chair hoping that he'll come to his senses.

Besides, getting some counseling doesn't automatically mean divorce. It means paying attention to exploring yourself. You deserve some attention.

Hold your dominion.

Thanks Noddy for all of your kind words. I did it, I set up a session for next week. It was a hard step to take but it was necessary. I feel sorry for the therapist though...she's in for the water works of her life. Oh well.

Oh and I truly do not believe that he could be gay. He has some other horrible demons he's battling with. He doesn't understand them himself.

I told him last night that Im going to start counseling. He claims he's starting Monday too.


Here's hoping...for both of us :wink:

You said your husband was going to AA. Is he still going?
(You can ask him if he has a Sponsor yet)

I suggest you go to Alanon. Surely alcohol has impacted your life, with your mother and now your husband.

You must be courageous at this time. He needs time away from you in order to grow up . . . or go away . . . . from you.

Is he seeing the baby? Are you getting financial help from him?

You must strengthen yourself at this time. Your baby sees a depressed mother - you can't let that happen. Be sure you go to a couselor who specializes in addictions and co-dependency. (Forget counseling with the priest - just ask for prayers from him.)

Hi Sully, no he is not going to AA he went a few times and said that place was not for him, he is not one of "those types" of people. He is clearly in denial. But he has not had a drink in I believe 6 months.

I really am trying to be strong. I have done a really good job at keeping it together in front of the baby. I have never let him see me cry. I always put on my "fun mommy" face when I'm with him.

He does see the baby but not as much as he should. He travels half the month and then when he is in town he works very late. If he comes over he will arrive about 30-60 minutes before baby's bedtime or else he stops by on his way to work. Either way it is not enough time for them to have a real relationship. He has asked to take him occasionally on the weekends for the day but then flakes out. It's actually been a relief that he hasn't showed up because at this point he doesn't really know how to care for our son since he's not been around him much. I also don't want to give him the opportunity to bring him to his place. He is living in a completely empty house. No furniture, no toys, no TV, no radio, nothing but a mattress on the floor. How he can stand to live like that is beyond me. I've not seen for myself but my mother in-law goes over to pick up his laundry so she's told me. Seems like you can't get out of a depression living in a depressing environment.

My appointment is with a psychologist that deals with addiction. He has set up an appointment with a psychiatrist. If he'll actually show up is a whole other story.

The finances have remained the same. Both our paychecks are direct deposited into our joint account. I pay all the bills from that account. We both use our debit cards for personal expenses. The one thing that has gotten out of control though is his use of our credit card. Prior to his leaving credit card had a $0 balance now its $7k+. He being reckless with our money and Im getting really worried.

I really resent the fact that he is fully taken care of while he's off doing his own thing. I maintain the household, the yard, my car, pay the bills, the mortgage, take care of our son & our dogs, show up for his family functions. His folks let him live for free at their rental house & pay the utilities and wash his clothes. Reality continues, life is moving on all around him and he just gets to do whatever he pleases without a care in the world while I stupidly allow this happen.

But how do I put some of the burden on his shoulders without him ruining all that we've worked so hard for? If I told him he had to handle the finances I have no doubt that we would lose our home, car, savings, everything... I cant let that happen just to stick it to him. It would just come back to bite me…at least that's what I believe would happen.

OMG, that is one beautiful little boy you have.

Just want you to know that the things you are writing are things I could have written 3 years ago. I started dating my ex when I was 19, married at 23 and the marriage seemed to fall apart overnight when I was 38. It seems so strange to spend this length of time with someone and find that they are a completely different person than the man you married.

Iggie--

Good for you. The first step is often the hardest.

Remember, just because a Beloved Man turns into an Ex Husband, he's the same man he always was. I'm guessing that while you were married he didn't deny himself much and now that you are separated (and he has to fill the time you used to fill) he "needs to spend more money.

Get your name off that credit card, ASAP.

Let us know how your appointment goes. I think you're going to be surprised that your position as an abandoned wife is worthy of respect as well as sympathy.

Hold your dominion.