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Sun 2 Sep, 2007 04:20 pm
I am 19 years old and have been with my fiance for two years. When we had been together only a few weeks, I kissed another person on a drunken night out and we broke up for a short time. When we got back together, he asked me never to drink again and became very paranoid and insecure, which I was very understanding of, and did my best to accomodate his wishes. Now, it is nearly two years on and he has now banned me from seeing my friends, wearing the clothes I like, made me delete all online contact forms such as myspace and msn and I am banned from leaving the house, depsite the fact that we do not live together. He has been violent in the past, but only mildly and has more recently expressed a dislike of me visiting my family, who live very far away from me and he does not get on with.
He is very caring and I know he loves me, but recently I have become fed up of not being allowed to have my own life. He blames this on me, and we have had over forty arguments over the past few months and despite him enforcing his wishes on me, he often says he will change and then doesn't.
I don't know what to do. He is nice to me, and loves me, but I don't feel happy and I know he isn't either.
Should I end it now and get my life back or stick it out and hope it gets better?
Run Eliane!! Get out of this relationship and do it fast!!
This guy does not love you, he likes to control you and will get more
violent as time goes by. End this unhealthy union at once!
You really think so? Just tell him it's over and get back out there?
Yes, RUN!!!
People who love each other don't do these things. People who love each other ENCOURAGE each other to see their friends, wear whatever makes them happy, go wherever they'd like, and do whatever pleases them. They give their partner freedom, knowing it will make them happy. Nobody can be happy in a prison.
No matter how much this guy says he loves you, this is definitely NOT love. This is what is called "controlling behavior."Controllers are nice to their partners only as long as their partners do what they're told. The first thing they do is cut their partners off from friends and family, so they'll become completely dependent on them. From what you've written, it is apparent that he has done this quite systematically. Beware, Eliane. Eventually, these abusers almost always turn physically abusive.
You say he has "banned" you from contacting others and "made" you do other things. Who gave him the right to do that?! He's not your parent, he's your boyfriend. You're an adult, fer crissakes. Nobody should be making decisions about your life except you. Don't give that kind of power to anybody. Ever.
End it now. Before it gets REALLY ugly.
Eliane--
Run.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life being an adoring doormat to a man who wants you to have no interests except him?
Quote:He is very caring and I know he loves me, but recently I have become fed up of not being allowed to have my own life. He blames this on me, and we have had over forty arguments over the past few months and despite him enforcing his wishes on me, he often says he will change and then doesn't.
How does he "enforce" his wishes? Pouts? Tantrums? Threats of breaking up?
Lovers don't "enforce" the behavior of the beloved.
Of course, if you want an all-powerful jailer....
Get rid of this man Elaine.
Get an intervention order against this man if necessary.
You've got a major controller on your hands. I agree with all, RUN, and "get intervention if necessary". Do not marry this guy.
He banned you from seeing. . . ? Like they all said, don't walk - run. If he ever changes, it will be after his third or forth divorce.
And, after you are out, give serious thought to why you thought his behavior was okay. Why you had the willingness to give over control of yourself to him. What in your head said that his actions showed love? What thoughts of yourself and your worthiness were keeping you in the relationship?
Figure out why and what so you do not repeat. You are worthy of love. Know this and trust it.
Oh, and you did answer your own question on your own. You wouldn't be here asking us if you didn't already know the answer.
"I don't know what to do. He is nice to me, and loves me, but I don't feel happy and I know he isn't either"
His is NOT being nice to you. He does NOT love you...if he wants to forbid you from seeing your friends and family . He forbids you from going out of your house?!!! What is that about?
These are the signs of dangerous control freak. Violent demonstations should show you that you're only a short distance away from him demonstrating that violence on you - or wait, has he done this already?
You're young and so you have not experienced much of life. Please take our word on this: anyone who wants to control you like that is dangerous!
Whatever your parents are saying about this man and this relationship must be true. Why not listen to them?
Develop your self-esteem from some other means than being in a relationship-- particularly like this one.
If you feel like a bird in a cage, then you are a bird in a cage. If your life revolves around what he has pre-approved then it is his life, not yours.
The answer is to free yourself.
Yes, RUN!
Go home.
Get surrounded with love and support. Decide what you want to do. Go see a doctor. Make sure you are all healthy.
To be in that situation and to ask whether you should stay or not; you need some loving and to look at yourself and what you think and feel about yourself.
It's a bad road you have found yourself on. U-turn that baby! Do it right away.
Run, Run, Run.
You are only 19 years old. You need to get on in the world on your own and stand for yourself.
You cannot allow yourself to be subjected to that kind of control.
Stand and be strong on your own, then find an equal to share life with. Someone worthy of you.
He "banned" you from leaving your house??? And you have to come here and ask for advice on what to do?? You're kidding, right? This is a joke, right? You really told this guy immediately that he is an idiot and gave him the boot and you are only asking here in order to get confirmation that you did the right thing, correct? Please tell me that is the case and that you do not think so little of yourself that you didn't dump him without a second thought?
Unbelievable. Do yourself a favor and if you never take any other advice on here, listen to what everyone is saying and run. Tell the jerk to shove it and never answer his calls or letters or anything else. Put him on total ignore status and find someone who will treat you like a real person.
CoastalRat wrote:He "banned" you from leaving your house??? And you have to come here and ask for advice on what to do?? You're kidding, right? This is a joke, right? You really told this guy immediately that he is an idiot and gave him the boot and you are only asking here in order to get confirmation that you did the right thing, correct? Please tell me that is the case and that you do not think so little of yourself that you didn't dump him without a second thought?
Unbelievable. Do yourself a favor and if you never take any other advice on here, listen to what everyone is saying and run. Tell the jerk to shove it and never answer his calls or letters or anything else. Put him on total ignore status and find someone who will treat you like a real person.
OK, CoastalRat: Hypothetically, let's say this person is violent and is very volatile and escalating his violence. In fact, the author of the thread said that he was violent. Maybe doing as you suggest might be inviting serious harm? If that were the case, now what would you suggest?
Perhaps she should seek a women's shelter..or maybe move back to her parents home?
Ragman wrote:"I don't know what to do. He is nice to me, and loves me, but I don't feel happy and I know he isn't either"
His is NOT being nice to you. He does NOT love you...
I've always wondered about this ragman...
people who say things like "he's nice to me" but is physically and verbally violent, keeps you from doing things you want to do, etc.
What's so "nice" about that?
Maybe they mean the 5 minutes every few days they go on about how sorry they are, and will change....or the 2 second kiss before they tell you they don't like what you are wearing. Or the fact they have sex with you, because that obviously proves he "loves" you.
nice....what an overused, meaningless word...it essentially means nothing.
Re: Can anyone answer the question I can't answer myself?
[quote="Eliane"]
Should I end it now and get my life back or stick it out and hope it gets better?[/quote]
YES and NO!!!
This man does NOT love you, no matter how nice he is at times!
If you do not get out, you will live to regret it.
Ragman wrote:CoastalRat wrote:He "banned" you from leaving your house??? And you have to come here and ask for advice on what to do?? You're kidding, right? This is a joke, right? You really told this guy immediately that he is an idiot and gave him the boot and you are only asking here in order to get confirmation that you did the right thing, correct? Please tell me that is the case and that you do not think so little of yourself that you didn't dump him without a second thought?
Unbelievable. Do yourself a favor and if you never take any other advice on here, listen to what everyone is saying and run. Tell the jerk to shove it and never answer his calls or letters or anything else. Put him on total ignore status and find someone who will treat you like a real person.
OK, CoastalRat: Hypothetically, let's say this person is violent and is very volatile and escalating his violence. In fact, the author of the thread said that he was violent. Maybe doing as you suggest might be inviting serious harm? If that were the case, now what would you suggest?
Perhaps she should seek a women's shelter..or maybe move back to her parents home?
My understanding from what she wrote is that they do not live in the same house, which is why I did not suggest a shelter. Now if I am wrong (and I could be since I cannot see how he can ban her from leaving her own house) and she is living with him, then yes I would suggest a shelter because this guy could easily become violent.
If she is living at her own place, my suggestion stands.
EDIT: She does state that he has banned her from leaving the house even though they do not live together. So leaving her home for a shelter does not make sense to me. Telling him they are through and cutting off all contact is still the way to go in my opinion.
Ditto what others have said.
Definitely bad news. You acted badly once (kissing) when drunk does not equate to controlling you and keeping you from your friends. He is using that as an excuse or reason that you should not have contact with others. It is his way of legitimizing his wrong controlling behavior.
Yep. Isolation precedes abuse. You are 19 -- do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?
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