Baddog wrote:
Quote:The fact remains that this sweet little old lady did what she did. There ain't no amount of sugar or name-calling gonna change that!
Why thank you, baddog. You actually have a sense of humor.
As far as I'm concerned, you have every right to ask any questions you like. I have every right not to answer if I feel that an honest, detailed answer would delve too deeply into my very personal life. So I will answer some of your questions. If you then want more, I will take it under consideration. When this all happened, one poster for whom I have a liking and real respect said something to the effect that she didn't think she could ever trust someone who had gotten a divorce. I was shocked at that overreaching statement, but it made me realize that everyone has strong opinions that aren't aways logical or reasonable. So here goes:
Dys and I met at an a2k get together here in Albuquerque, so niether I nor my husband knew what was going to happen.
We fell in love in a very trusting, and gentle way. For me, there was no doubt, just worry about what it would do to my family if I divorced my then husband.
Dys was very concerned about my feelings of guilt (over the divorce, not the being so-called unfaithful). He stressed that I should consider it from every possible aspect when I got home so that, if I did decide to leave my husband, the decision wouldn't be so filled with guilt that it would put too great a strain on our relationship. He was so wise and so unselfish.
I spoke with many of my friends and the family that I have left. Quite a few of my friends said, "What took you so long?" The others were very supportive. Only one cousin, a fundamentalist Christian who has had an affair, was unsupportive.
When I spoke to my sons, they were also supportive. They were also very worried. It took a couple of years for them to realize that my decision was for the best. One of my sons wrote of a camping trip here, mentioning Dys as his stepfather. This is how they both feel. Their relationship with Dys is one of love and friendship. Now that they have both been here a couple of times, they are completely positive and encouraging of our relationship.
They have suffered--not realizing how permanent my not being there would feel. They have been lonely without me and they have also been worried about their father, as he has always had someone to take care of the 'details' whether it was me or his secretary.
My sons now save their money so they can come out to stay with us. They find our home to be a welcoming and relaxing place to be and the best possible way to take a break from their working lives.
During some of our talks, they and I have agreed that if I had been a stronger woman, I probably would not have married their father. This is an area in which I will not go into further detail. I'm sure you agree that we all have extremely painful events in our lives that we can only talk about with our most trusted friends.
At the time we married, I loved him. I also admit to the fact that he made me feel safe. He found that I was a loving, appropriate corporate executive's wife. I knew how to dress and how to entertain. Through the years, we both realized that that was about all we had in common.
I will always love my ex for being the father of our sons. They are the light of my life.
We, my sons and I, agree that their dad is probably better off without me. This didn't go one way, after all, it had to be me to make the break because of people's perception. Everything must always be proper, even when in truth, it is miserable.
My ex, now retired, was a wonderful executive. He was able to put together a great staff and he was always supportive, helping to promote anyone who had shown unusual skills, including promoting a couple of women to management positions when that was still fairly unusual. But--they were his family. Not us. He was always the boss at work. Real life at home isn't ever that predictable--it tends to gets in the way of someone who loves control and disciplined order.
The boys have told me he has a girlfriend now who makes him very happy. That makes me very happy (although I have to admit to a little illogical jealousy--maybe the women here will understand).
As you may have noticed, my relationship with my sons is very close. Their dad didn't have time to teach them about sex, how to drive, or how to maintain their priorities when there was enormous peer pressure.
I didn't always do a good job. I wish their father could have been more active and so do they.
Without going into detail, the thing which hurt me throughout our marriage, was my exe's condescending and patronizing treatment of me. That is where my lack of will comes in. If I had been able to tell him that I was worth far more than he was showing me, maybe he would have taken a closer look at our marriage. I sometimes think he wasn't even aware of how he treated me. I could see on some our friend's faces that they were very aware, but they, understandably, would never say anything although they would occasionally come to my defense.
Thirty four years of being treated like an employee was more demoralizing than you can imagine. You will probalby have an opinion about this as will a few others, but that is the way it was and I will not go into detail.
I do not feel the need to justify my actions or to apologize for the divorce. Both of us are better off now.
Neither Dys nor I (for personal reasons) could ever really trust another human being until we met. We had never known this kind of love, the kind that permeates each cell and every moment of our lives.
I feel that I have known and loved Dys from the beginning of time and I hope, if there is such a thing as karma, that we find each other in all of our lives to come.
What we have is rare and beautiful and something to be treasured with every fiber of our being. And we do, everyday.
