Diane wrote:The posts here have been interesting and insightful. I can respect each one for the reasons given even when I disagree.
For me, I was never unfaithful in a 34 year marriage until I fell in love with Dys. Then there was no question. The attraction was too strong and I had been so terribly unhappy for most of those 34 years.
Perhaps because we are older--I robbed the cradle, he is two years younger than I--vows take on a different meaning. We aren't married, but I feel more married than ever before. For us, love, trust, respect and being with and caring for each other every day is what our relationship is all about.
Another aspect we don't have to worry about is kids. My sons are in their 30's so they weren't at risk of being harmed by my divorcing their father.
Besides, I don't know how we could possibly put into words just what our 'marriage' means to us--it is so full of total love and trust and other, more complex emotions-- we don't feel any promises need to be made--we just know. At our age, that also comes more easily. We've been around the block and know ourselves very well.
For me, making the decision to leave was tortuous and filled with guilt until I realized that if I didn't leave to be with the one man I truly loved, I would be unfaithful to myself. At the age of 60, I guess it wasn't as hard as it would have been at 40 or 50.
A friend put it very well by telling me the story of her great aunt: her aunt had always been unhappy and mistreated, but in that generation, divorce wasn't considered. To find a safe way out, she stopped taking her medications for high blood pressure and heart problems. Death was the only 'respectable' way out of that chronic unhappiness.
That made me take a very different look at the meaning and importance of marriage vows. If they result in trapping one in perpetual unhappiness, they need to be broken.
For me, life began at 60 and it has been better than ever before. And there is no guilt, just happiness.
I realize that our case is different because we are much older than most of you, but our story can bring some understanding to what vows and marriage are about and the importance of being true to one's self.
Interesting story that brings a few questions to mind.
Why didn't you wait until after divorcing to begin seeing dys?
You claim to have been terribly unhappy for nearly 34 years. Would you consider that you had any responsibility in the unhappiness? Please share with us some of the things you did to bring happiness into your dreadful marriage.
How did your affair and subsequent divorce affect your ex?
How can you determine for your 30-something y.o. sons that your affair and divorce was not harmful. Please tell us what the conversation was like when you told your sons that you were having an affair with another man, that you loved him and was leaving their father.
Your comment about being unfaithful to yourself if you don't have an affair and divorce your ex intrigues me. Please expound.
You've presented the image that your ex was an awful man. There is no way for any of us to know the truth. What do you feel his response would be to your words on here?
What is your definition of a 'vow'? Clearly it is related to age, so please offer the approximate age when the traditional definition of 'vow' changes.
