Is there such a thing as "emotional cheating"?

I think there can be. I don't know that I would put flirting in that category but people can certianly come to see someone other than than S/O as their primary emotional "lean on me" person.

Sure there is such a thing. But I would consider what you described as "mental" cheating since it's something that you're completely aware of. But I wouldn't even term it "cheating" in a real sense. It is nothing emotional or physical.

"Emotional cheating" to me would be feeling so close to someone of the opposite sex - that's not your spouse - to the point that you are sharing your deepest feelings. It would be confiding in someone else of the opposite sex you are emotionally attached to as you should be to your spouse. I suppose I'm describing the first stages of an affair though, and I don't think that's quite what you meant.

I think what you're doing, and would be opposed to your wife doing, is simply flirting ....and enjoying it.

happycat- I agree with the first part of you statement, and disagree with the last. I think that a person can emotionally "cheat" with another, without it ever becoming a full blown affair. I think that the problem is where is is a disconnect of communication between the spouses, so one of them develops a relationship with a person of the opposite sex to whom he/she tells things that cannot be discussed with the spouse.

In any event, whether the relationship evolves into an actual affair or not, is besides the point. Having to go outside the marriage for a great deal of emotional fulfillment, is, IMO, a sign that there are problems within the marriage.

Another thing. I used the word, "cheat" but I don't want to make a value judgement of that kind of behavior. Often the person doing this is doing it out of desperation, and these relationships can often afford the relief in a dysfunctional relationship that can ultimately "save" the marriage.

Phoenix, I agree with you, and that's why I said "the first stages" of an affair. Many times that's how they start. Not always though.

I think flirting is just a way of boosting your own self-esteem in a fun way....or in snood's case, making a sale.

The qualifying phrase "of the opposite sex" is interesting.

The implication here is that you can have a close friendship with one gender without cheating... but the same type of friendship with the other gender would be verboten.

I'm speaking from a heterosexual viewpoint.
Usually a spouse won't object to a close emotional friendship with a person of the same sex.

Of course, we could split hairs here, but I don't think that's what snood is looking for in this instance. I could be wrong though.

Interesting that you saw the ebrown_p! I thought the same thing...

happycat- There's flirting, and there's FLIRTING. The issue is the motivation. If the flirting is done just to have a good time, to make a sale, IMO there is no harm, and it can be lots of fun. If the flirting is a "fishing expedition", with the person flirting looking to begin a more serious relationship, that is another matter entirely.

It depends on te intent. This post relates to Objectification by TKO Diest. See my response in that. I have recently experienced something where i was emotionally dependent on one of my collegue, Male. Not because I wanted to cheat on my husband but because he as an oncologist could share and understand what my husband as a software programmer would not. I never intended to have an affair. My husband often warned me though that it could get complicated because men dont think the same way as women. He stayed very reserved, always had a listening ear but never took advantage of me. So I have felt emotionally dependent and closer to another person of the opposite Sex. Both of us are married with kids. He is attractive. It could have been the start of an affair, but I think we as human beings are capable of loving each other in ways taht may not be physical. It is very complex. I dont understand myself if I did anything wrong any thoughts.

Copied w/o permission :wink: :

MSNBC.com


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When friendship becomes an emotional affair
Is it worse than a physical relationship? Dr. Dale Atkins explains the signs of cheating and how couples can recover from this form of infidelity
Weekend Today
Updated: 1:11 p.m. ET Aug 11, 2006
How would you define emotional infidelity? Dr. Dale Atkins explains what it is and how you know if you're an emotional cheater.

What is it?
Emotional cheating is about forming meaningful attachments with people other than your partner in ways that prevent your partner from having that deep emotional intimacy with you. Emotional cheating damages the relationship because it is about "connection" and that is what people want. Feeling emotionally distant from the "wife who doesn't understand me" or the "husband who doesn't appreciate me" makes someone more vulnerable to becoming emotionally attached to an idealized friend.

How common is it?
Quite common because people are spending so much time at work and online and are not investing their non-tired, non-frustrated selves in their primary relationships. These days many primary relationships get the "leftovers." People come home tired, irritable, and are physically and emotionally spent. They find it easier to hang out at lunch with a work buddy and talk about their problems. At work, they are dressed nicely, on their best behavior, possibly involved in a project with someone who understands their work pressure, and knows what challenges they face during the day and are supportive. They speak the same "language." It is not surprising, therefore, that emotional infidelity often happens with co-workers who allow boundaries to blur as they have conversations about their personal and professional dreams and goals, and marital problems. These relationships also occur online as people chat on internet sites and allow themselves to flirt, share intimate fantasies, information they do not feel safe sharing with their primary partner, or feel "understood or appreciated" ?- the two biggest complaints partners have about their primary relationships.

What are some of the red lights that detect whether you are an emotional cheater?

You keep aspects of your intimate life for your "friend" and do not share them with your partner.
Your friendship shifts from platonic to romantic and you feel less connected to your partner.
You think about your friend most of the time and you fantasize about him or her even when you are making love with your partner.
You feel recognized, appreciated, even loved by your "friend" so you do not feel the need to connect to your partner. You feel a distance between you and your partner.
You withhold and "cut off" valuable aspects of who you are, particularly your intimate self and your intimate life from your partner. You stop having sex with your partner.
You discuss the things you don't like about your spouse or your married life with your friend and not with your spouse.
You tell your "friend" more about what goes on regarding your workday and your work life than you do with your partner.
You feel as if your "friend" has your heart.
You are dishonest with your spouse about the extent of the friendship and feelings with and for your "friend."
You would be embarrassed if your partner read the e-mails, notes, or eavesdropped on a conversation, or saw the way you interacted in person with your "friend."
When you are with your "friend" your body language communicates that your feelings are stronger than friendship.
There is sexual tension and you can discuss it openly with your "friend."
How can couples rebound from an emotional affair?
Understand that even if you have not slept with this person you have cheated. You have given your heart to someone else and prevented your partner from sharing what is essential to who you are and what is important to you.

Agree that you went over the limits of trust between the two of you and that you recognize what you were looking for, getting, and missed in your primary relationship.

Recognize and be clear that you are still committed and attached to your partner and that you will discuss with him or her difficulties you have in your relationship and work on them together.

Change the dynamic of the "friend" relationship so you can once again focus on your partner. Avoid discussing such personal details of your life and save them for your partner.

Find ways to share your feelings, goals, and dreams with your partner. Take the time to pay attention to your appearance, go out, find time to be intimate, erotic, whatever works for you to keep your love exciting and enticing.

© 2007 NBC News
URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14287231/


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How come ?
thanks Baddog 1. This is such a good article. I agree with everything Dr.Atkins said. I am trying to understand peoples reasoning for letting " Flirting" (which is a conscious phenomenon and can hurt another person your spouse or the person you are flirting with) be a more acceptable thing when compared to Emotional cheating which in most cases as described by Dr.Atkins is circumstantial secondary to modern lifestyles. Which means in most cases it would be unintentional.

I could really go for an emotional bj right now.

nice

what is emotional BJ ?

Metaphorically speaking, it is when one party's "mouth," if you will, is placed around the other party's "male genitalia," as it were.

hmmm. This emotional bj intrigues me.

As for the original thing, my rule is generally I think what Da Man would do or say if he were there looking on.

I guess each couples works out the lines. Some stricter than others.

I think what you described, Snood, seems pretty innocent and not emotional cheating or cheating of any kind. But guess it would all depend on what your wife and you had figured out was ok or not.

Tricky business, really.

It would have been Ok if U would not have said. I would not want my wife to do it.

Re: Is there such a thing as "emotional cheating"?


I don't think what you're doing by flirting is emotionally cheating, snood. At least not the way you've described it. I also don't think there would be anything wrong with Mrs snood doing something similar. I'm reminded of more than a few waitresses I've seen in action while serving Mr B. He gets a special twinkle in his eyes when someone is going to bring him food. He hams it up a bit and, sure enough, gets preferential service. THEN, when it's time to order desert (something the waitress has direct control over) the twinkle turns into a gleam and, wouldn't you know it, he gets half a pie. She gets a great tip and everyone leaves happy.

Why do you suppose you'd be concerned about her being extra chatty when it's all innocent?

What is wrong with U guys? I think all of you saying it is OK are Males. Can U guarantee things will not get complicated. What if the Cute Females U are Chatting with starts to take it seriously and U start enjoying it more. Where would U draw the line between Innocent and Not so Innocent flirting.

Who replied to me in my post " We judge ourselves by our intentions, but we are judged by others by our actions" Was that U Snood. You seem to be such a nice guy. Don't go that route. IT CAN HURT YOU YOUR SPOUSE OR ANY ONE OF THOSE CUTE FEMALES. Flirting , Cheating , Emotional Cheating are all subjective terms different for diferent people.