Reply Mon 4 Jun, 2012 08:40 pm
Today my husband and I had a little disagreement. The disagreement was over our dog barking and whining when we came home. We live in a place where you must be quiet so Antonio told me (my husband) to hurry up and get in the house so she would be quiet. But it didn't stop there. He started yelling and cursing at me about it. I told him that he shouldn't talk to me like that and that it was being very disrespectful. He then proceeded to pick up a large wooden decoration we have. He said, "How about I bust you in your head that way you figure out..." And let his voice just trail off. And, I pretended not to be scared since he was holding it up like he was going to hit me with it because I didn't want to give him that kind of control and evenly told him, "You would hit me for what?" He did not answer. He just set it down and walked off. Now only 20 minutes later he acts as though nothing happened and goes right to sleep. He threatened to hit me. I'm shocked and hurt and angry at him for that. Isn't this abuse?!
 
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mchllantn
 
  1  
Reply Mon 4 Jun, 2012 08:58 pm
@mchllantn,
I'm not sure if this might be related, but read my other question I have on here recently, too. I might also add we have been married almost 6 years! (Since I was 18) He has shown a temper before, but not to this extent. I may be overreacting to this. I feel terribly about it.
Lustig Andrei
  Selected Answer
 
  4  
Reply Mon 4 Jun, 2012 10:33 pm
@mchllantn,
Yes it is abuse. And I'd watch my step very carefully around this dude. This time he managed to control that violent temper and put the "weapon" down. Suppose next time he gots so mad so quickly that he belts you before he can think about it? A really telling point is that just a little while later he acted as though nothing had happened. This is typical of a person who is out of touch with his worst emotions. This man needs anger management courses and he needs them now...and desperately.
contrex
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2012 01:00 am
mchllantn, this is abuse and you need to do something about it. You could wind up bruised, or in the hospital, or dead. It does happen. Men hurt and kill their wives and girlfriends every day. I expect quite a lot of them are sorry afterwards, maybe even cry and say "I didn't mean to do it" but that is no help to the wife if she wearing a pine overcoat.

contrex
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2012 01:11 am
@mchllantn,
mchllantn wrote:
We live in a place where you must be quiet so Antonio told me (my husband) to hurry up and get in the house so she would be quiet.


The dog barked "so" he told you to deal with it? This tells me he is controlling. Because he didn't say "Hey! the dog is barking! We'd better get in the house!" or even "I'd better get in the house!". It had to be "Hey, woman! Do what I say! Run and obey me and do this chore!". One day he might bust you in the head because his eggs aren't right or some other little thing. Maybe you'll get a black eye. Maybe you'll die. Maybe you live in a society where violencia de genero is common? You need to get out is my opinion, although I accept you probably won't.
contrex
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2012 01:13 am
@mchllantn,
mchllantn wrote:
He has shown a temper before, but not to this extent. I may be overreacting to this. I feel terribly about it.


You are not over reacting.
0 Replies
 
Lustig Andrei
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2012 01:40 am
@contrex,
All good points, contrex. But cultural norms aside, the point really is that this man has an unreasoably violent temper which he, apparently, keeps under control only through great effort. The situation is dangerous for the o.p. and, no, it's no overreaction.
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2012 02:45 am
@mchllantn,
I read where you gave someone else advice to 'GET OUT'..

Your previous post pertaining to you "telling him he's good in bed" but him not wanting a bar of sex, claiming it's because he has been in the heat all day doesn't cut it for me. You asked us to read that and I had done so before. My fiance is a Chef, my ex-husband a construction engineer there was no difference in the sex department with either.

I think your husband is lost. He "was a Chef" how do you go from cooking to hard labour? From inside to outside. I assume he "had" to take that job. He is angry, he has anger issues and I do not believe that any words you speak are going to help you or him.. It won't tame him, I think he is about to explode.. He is angry at the cards life has dealt him with work, career.

To pick something up and intimidate you, scare you is something you very much need to see.. It's real. It is abuse.. It's controlling, manipulative in the scare tactic field.. It is emotional abuse. And borders physical abuse, it is also mental abuse.

Please do me a favour, grab your dog, go to your Mothers, make him get help to sort out his current situation and how to handle it. I feel that he is seething inside over his work now verses past and it's esculating and next he will loose it.. Please think carefully about this.. He can over come this and you two can work it out later, UNLESS he's really always been like this and it's only now you are realising your worth, where previously you accepted it.

contrex
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2012 05:52 am
Threatening violence to the head is very bad; this is very dangerous. The fact that this is what he even thinks of doing when his temper goes is a really bad sign. GET OUT.
0 Replies
 
mchllantn
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2012 08:48 pm
@Lustig Andrei,
I do think he needs anger management, but I doubt he would ever go. I don't think he would ever really hit me, but he did scare me. And I was actually considering leaving just for that. But I don't want to leave over one little issue like this, but it does bother me that he did that. And even the way he spoke to me.
0 Replies
 
mchllantn
 
  2  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2012 08:54 pm
@contrex,
"this is abuse and you need to do something about it" I've confirmed that this definitely is abuse. Especially from all of the feedback I have had. The only thing I know to do about it is to continue to stand up for myself and tell him that this is not acceptable no matter how stressed out he may be. I feel like I deserve to be treated with respect and good especially since I am dedicated to being there for him. He should show me respect just as I always try to respect him.
0 Replies
 
mchllantn
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2012 08:59 pm
@contrex,
Well, he said for me to go inside because the dog will cry until it is me specifically in the house. I am the primary caregivers for her and I give her more attention. Where we live it is unacceptable to abuse your wife or husband nor is it commonplace, as far as I am concerned. But he has not ever actually put his hands on me. He threatened to do it.
0 Replies
 
mchllantn
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2012 09:02 pm
@Lustig Andrei,
Yes. He does have a bad temper. I have always noted it, but never knew it would get worse. It is obvious that his temper has elevated quite a bit.
0 Replies
 
mchllantn
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2012 09:08 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
How he lost his chef job is an issue I do not wish to answer. He did lose the chef job and due to circumstances, he had no choice but to take the construction job which is something he has never did before. He hates it. He has told me many times. But as of right now, there is nothing to be done about it. I hope maybe he will find something working in a restaurant again. I do believe this drastic change has caused him to be angry the way he is now and cause stress on him to cause him to do what he did which does not make it right at all. I will work with him on it by standing my ground, though.
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2012 10:38 pm
@mchllantn,
Just because life changes, and we have to do things we don't want to do, it does not give us a right to hurt someone else in the process. I hope that you do stand your ground.

If he was "wrongly fired" and I respect you don't wish to discuss that, just throwing it out there, then he could be really angry over that as well..

I am just concerned for you. That, the height of his anger may exculate.. Love doesn't always mean that someone will hold back, when they are not in the right state of mind.

Quote:
I think your husband is lost
By the way, I didn't state he lost his job, I was saying I think he is lost... from no longer being a Chef. Sorry if you mis-read that and thought anything further.
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Jun, 2012 10:57 pm
It is abuse, but there is another question here.

By the sounds of it, in 6 years he has never been violent. Anger isn't violence - it's just anger (you don't identify his previous episodes as violent anger). In six years, this also sounds like the first time he's threatened to physically hurt you.

6 years is way more than enough for a person to show their 'true colours'.

I'm curious as to what has changed recently (apart from losing his job). Your husband sounds like he is undergoing either a great deal of stress, a great deal of built up frustration, or both (or perhaps there is some other reason for the recent behaviour). Or there may even be other reasons.

As just one example of other causes - if he were engaging in his first affair, he might blame you for the bad feelings he has about himself regarding his faithfulness (which may run against his morals). Blaming others for the bad feelings caused by our actions, when the other has contributed to our decision...is rather common.

I'm also curious about your story, which does not contain a 'trigger' for his anger. Even regularly domestically violent men have identifiable triggers (no matter how absurd or miniscule they are).

By the way - even if you have contributed to his becoming angry - he is responsible for his anger, the way he deals with it, and the actions he takes...just as you are responsible for what you feel, what you say, what you do, and the way you behave.

The point of all this is - have a look at the contributing factors, and work out what you need to do about it (which can be anything from leaving, to sitting down and talking with him, to seeing a counsellor, etc)

mchllantn
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Jun, 2012 05:46 am
@vikorr,
I doubt he is having an affair. I know the signs of that and he has no signs of that and I do speak to a counselor about issues I have. She has never said anything about an affair. Not to be mean, but I hate it that when married people have problems people automatically think, "Oh. He must be cheating." Or "She must be cheating." Especially when the issue has nothing to do with that at all. The things I know is contributing to his anger are him losing his job that he had worked his ass off for for 10 years then wrongfully fired due to absurd laws in the UNITED STATES. He has had to go through a lot of trouble just to find another job because of this law and ended up having to spend a great sum of money in the meantime that he had saved up. He is not used to having to do hard labor especially outside in the heat. Their are other issues. Don't assume I am his Wife and do not know about the things that bother him lately. I do not post every problem in our life on here. There qre several things I wish to keep private especially since the more details people have the more they speculate wild imaginative stories. I now regret even asking for advice on this site.
contrex
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Jun, 2012 11:44 am
@mchllantn,
mchllantn wrote:
I now regret even asking for advice on this site.


What did you expect? You post saying he picked up a blunt instrument and threatened to seriously assault you with it. Did you think we would say "there's nothing to worry about, that's what guys do, just love your man and everything will be OK"?

0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Jun, 2012 03:23 pm
@mchllantn,
With all due respect, he was throwing "ideas" out there for you to consider what is triggering it and clearly stated "besides him losing his job"...

Quote:
I wish to keep private especially since the more details people have the more they speculate wild imaginative stories
Or, they throw things out there for you to consider as no one wants to see a woman abused.

Now of course I am curious as to what LAW the US has that can fire a Chef, other than theft..

The bottom line is, you felt fear and now are worried it will happen again but worse and WE think you are right.. Regardless of losing a job, losing his life savings, having to work in a hard labour job, in the heat, he is ANGRY and needs help.
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Jun, 2012 07:58 pm
@mchllantn,
Firstly, you have my best wishes for your future Smile

Secondly - because these sorts of things interest me, I'll make an observation, which you may consider or discard as you wish :

Your posts lead me to conclude that you are withholding information you consider vital to providing any actually relevant advice. I base this thought on a number of factors :

- I very clearly didn't make any assumption that he is having an affair - I clearly provided an example only of how other factors may influence behaviours (Found Soul has the right of it). You've used that 'interpretation' of yours to give permission to yourself to take a victim mentality in your reply post.
- An assumption that you are his wife is not something most people would get upset about when you ask such a question after having stated you've been together six years.
- you avoided the question of triggers, which are still missing from your reply.

Combine this with : If you go back and look at the example of a person having an affair, and blaming their spouse for it...you'll see the comparable behaviour (blaming another for your own behaviour) in to your reply post to me. People normally only engage in this sort of behaviour (victim mentallity/blaming for no apparent reason) when, even as they are asking for advice, they are withholding information they consider very relevant.

It's okay if you don't want to share it - that is your right. But if you are withholding relevant information, it's pointless blaming someone that you asked advice of while doing so.
------------
Once again, you have my best wishes in resolving this situation.
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