Dating Recently Widowed Man

It sounds to me that both of you are going into this with your eyes wide open. That's good. You are aware of the pitfalls and the risks and you're both adults. Sure, things may not work out, there may be other issues that crop up that have nothing to do with his past or yours, but as you've said, there are no guarantees out here.

You could be his transitional woman. That's very, very possible. But he could be your transitional man as well, opening the way for other men to come into your life. Who knows what's down the line for either of you? As long as you're aware, what else is there for you to do to protect yourself? Not alot. And it's much too late to say that you shouldn't have started the relationship in the first place so, have fun, continue to enjoy one another and whatever you do, don't ruin it by worrying too much but be prepared for the possibility that he will probably not be your last man.

greenshany- Welcome to A2K!

eoe has said it all. I cannot add much to her wise words except just keep your eyes and ears open, and your sense of humor. Whether this is a transitional relationship, or a more permanent one, there is something to be learned.

Trust in Yourself: A recipe for surviving uncertainty
Hi greenshany,

In many ways we share similar experiences in life. I see your battles needing to take place on 2 fronts, though WTH can you really know about a situation just from one online post?!!

The number one priority ‘should’ be rebuilding your self. I realize this is easier said than done. After so many years in an abusive relationship you may have learned NOT to trust, your self or your man. Grieving while in an abusive relationship is possible but grieving the loss in its entirety takes time even after you’ve divorced. There is the dream of the intact home life most women promise themselves they will provide for their children. That has been shattered. There is the ‘happily ever after’ dream which has suffered too. Beyond that the question begs to be resolved, “Why did I stay?” It is so easy to say it was all for the children but is that really the entire truth of the matter?

Before getting into a relationship it is important to know what you want and what you can contribute your self. Having a clear picture of what didn’t work in the past relationship and how you contributed to the creation of the dysfunction is important. So too is understanding and implementing change in your self to avoid these things in the future.

By focusing on rebuilding yourself you will benefit your children too. They have been hugely impacted by the dysfunction in the home and the divorce itself. They will be impacted by mom’s new relationship and … gawd forbid …. the end of that as well. These things I know first hand.

I also know about dating a widow first hand. As your relationship progresses and in time you come to love him more, the ghost of his late wife will hurt more. It is only natural. Men will typically enter a new relationship after losing a spouse much more quickly than a woman. Even after a year of their late wife’s passing, though they grieved through an illness, most are wondering regarding their ability to fully love in a new relationship. They heal faster when they are in a healthy relationship with a supportive woman but it isn’t easy. Still I wouldn’t trade the last 7 months with my widow for anything. Most often these are men who know how to be in a successful long-term relationship and place value on them as well.

Read everything you can get your hands on. There are wonderful papers, written by doctors of psychology, available online to help you understand the grieving process. This will benefit the both of you. Find out what remember-versaries may increase the grief and honor them (birthdays, holidays, anniversary, etc.). As a girlfriend of a widower we face a unique challenge of balancing what would be tolerated in a relationship with any other man regarding women from their past and supporting the grieving process. Humans are geared to protect their relationships with their current mate and some jealousy is a normal response.

Most of all focus on learning to TRUST YOUR SELF first. There is uncertainty in the beginning of every relationship. If you can trust in your self you will have an easier time working through uncertainty. You will be aware of what your needs are and have the courage to communicate those same needs. You will also have an easier time determining if his motives are genuine and solid.

I would bet my bottom dollar that, if he is as you say he is, your man has unspoken worries similar to yours and that he is falling head over heels just as hard. Enjoy the rush of the very beginning. Soon enough it will fade and you both will be able to look at your relationship more clearly. When the cob webs clear you’ll both be able to focus on building a solid foundation for a strong future.

Ehhh … I write too much! Sorry for the length of this …. And all my best to the both of you. ~Pasq

I'm not sure there is something wrong with someone who hates to be alone. I honestly think we are not meant to be alone, some of us just get better at it over time. Life is short and what would be so bad about falling in love when so many things point to the potential for a happy, solid relationship. We can all conjure up doubts about who we are starting something with, and friends who might tell you it is too soon based on their conventions don't know what they are talking about unless they have been there. No matter how careful you think you are being your relationship could crash and burn for any number of reasons - one of you could die tomorrow - but those are not reasons to stop something that seems very right from happening. Seize the day!