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Serial Cheaters - Narcissists

 
 
baddog1
 
Reply Thu 16 Aug, 2007 08:46 am
A close friend who recently endured a particularly nasty affair/divorce by his wife sent this to me. Enjoy:

Serial Cheaters - Narcissists

A typical reason for infidelity is that one spouse may be a narcissist who often becomes a serial cheater. The narcissist is most likely to have many affairs and will pursue anyone they can manipulate with their boundless words and actions.

Narcissists are self-absorbed and tend to be highly charming. They have a constant need for admiration. They view all events in terms of how the events impact them and them alone. They are master manipulators and feel an "emotional high" with each new conquest. Their behavior is often impulsive which can appear exciting. These individuals lack compassion unless it helps them achieve their goals. They are unwilling to see or consider anything from another person's viewpoint. They will continue the emotional control with a target until the relationship becomes too burdensome. They utilize no moral boundaries in their pursuit of admiration and physical activity from the opposite sex; frequently offering marriage, promises, baptism, children, etc. Literally - whatever the target "needs to hear" in order to close the deal is what the narcissist will say and do. Their targets are usually married which heightens the feeling of conquest. They frequently have several affairs going on at once with no regard to the damage caused by their reckless pursuit of self-gratification. Narcissists develop specialized talents such as crying on cue, "elegantly" deceiving without stumble, saying just the right things at just the right time, etc. all designed to aid in attaining their goal.

Their behavior is more than a lack of self-esteem. It goes to the very core of the individual's personality and is a pervasive aspect of their lifestyle. This character flaw prevents them from keeping marriage vows and in the vast majority of cases narcissists will forever cheat on their spouse(s). It is interesting to note that narcissists rarely divorce and will fight tooth and nail to remain married. This is believed to go along with the "need to be accepted by all" mentality that narcissists possess. As strong as their need is to conquer outside their marriage; they turn into weeping idiots if/when their spouse even suggests divorce.
 
Phoenix32890
 
  3  
Reply Thu 16 Aug, 2007 08:53 am
Lately, there have been a number of threads on A2K concerning infidelity in marriage. I think that it is important to point out that a serial cheater is definitely not the same as a person who has an affair or two over a lifetime.

In the case of serial cheaters, the quality of his/her marriage has nothing to do with the motivation to cheat. It is a personality flaw, that often has little to do with what is happening within the marriage.

With serial cheaters, there is a compulsive nature to the cheating, which may or may not be present in other kinds of cheating.
mismi
 
  2  
Reply Thu 16 Aug, 2007 08:55 am
I think this article makes good sense. There is even something called "closet narcissism" I read about. People do things for others to cause others to admire, appreciate and like them. The praise they receive boosts their self-esteem and yet everyone thinks they are great because they do so much for other people.

but it is exhausting keeping check on WHY you do the things you do...I immediately question if I am like that.
0 Replies
 
baddog1
 
  3  
Reply Wed 22 Aug, 2007 11:15 am
Phoenix32890 wrote:
Lately, there have been a number of threads on A2K concerning infidelity in marriage. I think that it is important to point out that a serial cheater is definitely not the same as a person who has an affair or two over a lifetime.

In the case of serial cheaters, the quality of his/her marriage has nothing to do with the motivation to cheat. It is a personality flaw, that often has little to do with what is happening within the marriage.

With serial cheaters, there is a compulsive nature to the cheating, which may or may not be present in other kinds of cheating.


I agree with your post Phoenix. I would like to add that all serial cheaters - began with a 1st time. Therefore, anyone who has committed adultery; has the potential to become a serial cheater. It would be interesting to know how many fit the criteria of the serial cheater; but have only committed one or two affairs.
0 Replies
 
parados
 
  2  
Reply Wed 22 Aug, 2007 12:13 pm
Quote:
Narcissists develop specialized talents such as crying on cue, "elegantly" deceiving without stumble, saying just the right things at just the right time, etc. all designed to aid in attaining their goal.


Say it ain't so Jimmy Swaggart, Benny Hinn, Jimmy Bakker, and all those other TV preachers...
0 Replies
 
baddog1
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Aug, 2007 12:51 pm
parados wrote:
Quote:
Narcissists develop specialized talents such as crying on cue, "elegantly" deceiving without stumble, saying just the right things at just the right time, etc. all designed to aid in attaining their goal.


Say it ain't so Jimmy Swaggart, Benny Hinn, Jimmy Bakker, and all those other TV preachers...


I agree. Shameful, particularly given the influence they have on so many.
0 Replies
 
happycat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Aug, 2007 01:53 pm
Phoenix32890 wrote:
Lately, there have been a number of threads on A2K concerning infidelity in marriage. I think that it is important to point out that a serial cheater is definitely not the same as a person who has an affair or two over a lifetime.

In the case of serial cheaters, the quality of his/her marriage has nothing to do with the motivation to cheat. It is a personality flaw, that often has little to do with what is happening within the marriage.

With serial cheaters, there is a compulsive nature to the cheating, which may or may not be present in other kinds of cheating.


You hit the nail on the head.
The Pentacle Queen
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Sep, 2007 02:32 pm
I say: Kill all the serial cheaters!
spendius
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Sep, 2007 05:40 pm
Well obviously you would. It is in your best interests. I would if I was in your position. Money talks. Bob Dylan said it swears.

Bit sad really Queenie. Keeping the opposition at bay using assertions. Saves effort I suppose.

Death to anybody who I have withdrawn my approval from eh? A Queen of China was like that. Mrs Thatcher too.

Bugger off you silly moo. You would hate a world with nothing but henpecked husbands in it. What would be the point of dressing up to flaunt your finer points. You would be bored out of your mind.

You love serial cheating as a concept. That's why you brought it up.
0 Replies
 
The Pentacle Queen
 
  1  
Reply Tue 25 Sep, 2007 07:51 am
Can I not make a flippant remark without getting an earful?
I find it hard to keep tabs on everything i say.

Everything is nice as a concept.
0 Replies
 
vicimized2
 
  3  
Reply Fri 14 May, 2010 11:04 pm
@Phoenix32890,
I met a serial cheater on a free dating site andy12345a. he's been on there for 3 years. I didnt realize he might be married because he posted his photo up and put status as single. After 2 months of talking to me he told me he thought he was falling in love with me. Then with all the charm and sweet talk he asked if he could come over. I guess I should have known when he called with his number blocked and used his job as a excuse he doesnt have time to date but by then I was hooked on the illusion he weaved of some dream relationship. After he got sex he cheated on me with other girls but told me he was only seeing me. In that year of hell he never invited me to his home, was secretive about where he worked and always called with phone number not showing. I finally stopped talking to him but I have been depressed and suffering from low self esteem because of what he did. I think men like him are selfish and always going to cheat no matter who they are with.
0 Replies
 
brokenopen
 
  2  
Reply Wed 19 May, 2010 10:20 pm
I share a similar experience and thus completely understand. One difference was I was "the girlfriend". We were together for over a year and in looking back I served as a supporting role in his "image" of a good, stable, guy amongst his friends. I was the girl that got pizza and movies on the couch...I was the girl he hung with and didn't spend money on. The others got the special treatment, the nice dinners out at actual restaurants, the daily calls and texts. One in particular, who I will refer to as the Atlanta sl*t has been in his life for well over four years and continues to hold on in hopes that he will finally see her as the one. She has known about his girlfriends and still remains available waiting and contributing to his breakups. She jumps when he calls and they continue to have endless phone sex. The ultimate insult was he paid for her to come to town and to Las Vegas for weekends of sex. Besides her there have at any one time been two or three others that he calls on, primarily for phone sex, once he has woowed them. I have left so many times and this last time it was the last straw, he left a message for the Atlanta sl*t on my phone. I just wish I could maintain my anger. I start to feel sorry for him because he is very damaged. We have talked and he has shared a lot but there will never be trust and without trust there will not be a relationship. I am not a victim, I have made my choices, but it feels shitty being manipulated. And although one could make the case that the Atlanta sl*t has such a low self esteem you almost want to feel bad for her, she knows that she has contributed to destroying his relationships and she continues and will continue to be a wedge. As the other articles have stated, narcissistic men have no concept of the hurt and pain they inflict on others. He had the nerve to get mad at me for not being there for him after I found out about his trips with Atlanta sl*t. It was if his action should not have contributed to my being angry. They are selfish and until they realized they have a problem and they take the first step in admitting they need help and desire to get better, they will continue to inflict pain on others. I have cried, screamed, yelled, begged and to no avail. He doesn't get it, nor do other narcissistic men. It is best we learn our lesson, that that knowledge with us and move on.

flag
 
  2  
Reply Mon 6 Sep, 2010 11:16 pm
@brokenopen,
I know this is late in response, I just discovered this website. I dated a Narcissist for three years. In that time I was told, after three months, I don't like affection ( I am a very affectionate person) and cannot be affectionate anymore.
Like an idiot I stayed. I was questioned about why I was dressed up when we would go out and eventually realized he was judging himself against me.
One time at a dinner where he received an award, I complimented him on his speech and he said " yeah, but you looked better than I did". Wow I told him I had never had a Man compare himself to me in how we were dressed or who looked better.
Finally I broke it off and he begged me to come back and I gave in only to break it off again after he refused emotional or physical intimacy.. I figured out later he was already involved with someone else. I relate to the comment about not being invited to his home. I had spent endless days and weekends at his house while we dated and then when we got back together and I wasn't invited there he said "its just easier" I recognize now how stupid I was.
The last straw was he just asked me back again in May I told him I was suspicious and he said we would take it slow. I found out afer a few weeks he was sleeping with someone else almost the entire time and had had her at his house and introduced her to his children. I told him never to call me or email me again. Classic narcissist. I am trying to heal from this. Please listen to your gut when something doesn't seem right for you. It is easier to get out sooner than later. What is that Maya Angelou saying " people will show you who they are .. you just have to believe them. "
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  3  
Reply Tue 7 Sep, 2010 12:07 am
@baddog1,
Quote:
Their behavior is more than a lack of self-esteem.
those who cheat often have the ability to cheat often because they find people who want them. Being desired and successful in the pursuit of affairs tends to raise self esteem. Perhaps those who are serial cheaters started out with low self esteem, but it is highly doubtful that they do after they prove themselves to be successful.

Quote:
As strong as their need is to conquer outside their marriage; they turn into weeping idiots if/when their spouse even suggests divorce
Says who? what is the link between people who have proven to be highly valuable on the relationship/sex market and becoming weeping idiots at the prospect of an ending marriage? Once would think that those with the most options would be the least concerned if a marriage ended.
spendius
 
  2  
Reply Tue 7 Sep, 2010 05:35 am
@hawkeye10,
Maybe that is true for those who think sex is the highest priority. What about cooking and orderly domesticity? And, indeed, sheer habit.

I have met a number of serial adulterers who were distraught when their wives got out of all patience with them and left.
engineer
 
  2  
Reply Tue 7 Sep, 2010 06:09 am
@spendius,
Yes, the goal is to have your cake and eat it too, so when you realize what you thought was free has a cost, it can be an unpleasant surprise. I too know adulterers who were unpleasantly surprised to find themselves single and to find out that their playmates were suddenly expecting a commitment.
0 Replies
 
sometimes
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Nov, 2010 10:40 pm
i was involved with this kind of man. on and off for almost 5 years. I have realized later that he was on multiple dating sites and was chatting and meeting multiple people, when i was asking what was all that about he was saying : "we are just friends". so here you you go: all these years he was sleeping with me and having endless affairs with other people. Well I guess I was naive believing that if I could stay longer he may love me and stop all that dirty stuff on the side. He did not. I was terribly traumatized, I lost weight, I could not function, I was d depressed and I was in terrible pain. It was the most terrible relationship I have ever been and it was only my fault that I could not get out earlier. I feel truly sorry for ll those ladies looking to meet some one special online. He probably is conning multiple women now, all at once, he is very charming, attractive, strong alpha-type male, the type women get attracted to right away it is only they don't know how much disaster this man is. Needless to say he was divorced twice, 5 kids by 2 diff. women, endless and multiple affairs etc. He cannot be alone, constantly searching, constantly wondering. Pathetic.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Dec, 2010 09:37 am
" . . . he is very charming, attractive, strong alpha-type male, the type women get attracted to right away . . . "

Ah, that's what it is. Add "powerful" and "protective" to the list, and you're done.

Jackie had her Onassis.
0 Replies
 
Geriann
 
  1  
Reply Sun 19 Dec, 2010 11:19 am
@brokenopen,
I completely empathise with you. I have been involved with a serial cheater, who is very narcissistic..I have only just gotten to realise this, and see through the wool he pulled over my eyes..He told me he was single, and that he shared a flat with a little 'flatmate' whom he has known for 20 years, and who helped him when his marriage (one of 2) ended. It later came to light, that he was her partner (most would not be so naive to be fooled by this!). he started supplying me with clothes and scent, which I later discovered were her rejects. He even gave me a bagful of knickers, which were tatty and worn, thinking I would be so grateful! These were also hers.... The guy was arrogant as hell, and his seductive charm had me completely captured, until I made myself wake up.
I wondered why he could never spend New Year with me, or even one Christmas evening, or one birthday. This is what in the end made me determine to get rid of him. I could not stand being the spare part, tossed aside for the faithful partner anymore. It was the utter humiliation, not to receive one text or one greeting, and knowing he was spending the most important days of the year with her. Ladies, and gentlemen, please, please, do not settle for such a demeaning relationship. Have self respect and get out there and find someone who will not cheat and lie on you.


Bettany
0 Replies
 
lil kitty
 
  2  
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2011 09:28 am
I am a serial cheater. I do it not for lack of emotional connection in my current relationship or because I suffer from low self esteem. I do however relate to the conquest aspects of it all. Being a female I have found that it helps the scales to tip in my favor but still appriciate the challenge of a good pursuit. Being able to manipulate a situation to bring someone to the point of willingness to leave with you and have sex with knowing very little of who you are is an indescribable feeling. Now, I'm not naieve to think that there aren't very real risks involved with all of this. I have been doing this for almost 20 years now. but some of those risks are what drive someone like me to continue. Being able to press through the walls society has put up and push boundaries not always thought socially acceptable. Its a feeling that I have never been able to find any where else, not even jumping out of planes!
 

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