Reply
Sun 24 Jun, 2007 11:44 pm
My ex and I of 6 years broke up three months ago. I don't believe within those 6 years that we were ever in love, but more "in love with love" rather. When our relationship first began I was 17 and he 19. As you can see, we were both very young, and I think at that age people are very insecure about themselves and yearn for a partner more because they need someone to counter that insecurity rather than for the sake of love itself. I hope that makes sense?
Anyways, during the first week of our relationship, there was an incident of indiscretion on my part, although there was no sex involved. Unable to bear the guilt, I confessed to him the very next day that I had been in the company of another man. We broke up, of course, but not long after he said he'd forgiven me and would take me back.
He's always used this, (my indiscretion) against me whenever our relationship hit a speed bump. I could never be trusted, I could never be right, I could never have any feelings of my own, because I cheated on him. Being such a young girl at the time, I took his abuse and went to the ends of the Earth and back to prove that I was loyal to him.
After 6 years, I realized that he couldn't ever trust me, and without trust, what is a relationship? He hit some pretty hard times, and I didn't have the heart to leave him when he was down, so I waited until I thought he was better mentally. That day never came. I needed to free myself of a burden I knew in my heart I had generally no part in creating.
Incredibly, he broke up with me, later saying he did it because he wanted to forget about me. I ended up moving back in with my parents, and ever since I've done a complete 180! I'm more happy than I've ever been because I'm around people that truly love, care, and support me.
Problem is, he's become more and more dependent on me. Calling me, trying to get me a cell phone so that he can call me anytime (which I refused as politely as possible), trying to spend every spare second he has with me and no one else, and acting incredibly childish when I go out with friends (which I haven't done practically since we've been together). He's depressed, and I don't know what to do? I know there's nothing I can do, because I've been depressed myself as well and nothing could be done until I realized I didn't want to be depressed anymore.
He makes me feel guilty when I try to explain to him that the more I try and help him, I know I am making it worse by giving him the impression that he can depend on me. Or in other words, he won't help himself if he thinks he can depend on me. I think I should just let him be, let him figure out his own problems but at the same time I know he's not very bright to figure this out. What do I do... Because he's making my life miserable again!!
You've got a real problem there, methinks, as it probably was from the beginning. Quite a controlling fellow. It is not your job to save him - quite the opposite.
I've no bright suggestions, just that he could probably use counselling for his own self esteem matters. I'm not a psychologist, nor have had experience with controlling/dependent people. But - from my long term observation of the world, if I were you, I'd take moving on from him seriously.
Question...How did he ever manage to get along before he met you?
Perhaps he needs to do whatever it was he was doing to make his life work 7 years ago.
Believe me, he knows how to make it without you, but then, he couldn't drag you into his misery (which he created for himself)
My ex husband became very dependant on me. I divorced him something like 16 years ago. Somewhere he is out there, managing his life, for better or worse. None of my business which way it is.
Perhaps 5 or 6 years after our divorce, with no contact until that point, he somehow tried to get me involved in a bankruptcy he was going into. He was absolutely amazed that I'd remarried and didn't feel any obligation to become involved in his failings.
The sooner you show him, in no uncertain terms, that you have a different life now, and that he is not only not a part of it, but won't be privy to finding out what it is, the better.
You need this controlling, yet dependent little boy, like you need a second head. You have no responsibility for his life. Move on. You have far outgrown him.
Tell him to find a therapist, or to start paying you $120/hour.
He's controlling you with his dependency and perhaps you like knowing that he is so dependent and can't make it without you but, as everyone above has said, it's time for the two of you to grow up and go your separate ways. Let him realize that he can make it on his own. That is absolutely the best thing that you can do for him now.
Stop seeing him. Period. No more hanging out, no more phone calls, no more contact.
I was afraid your responses as to what to do would be the same as mine. *sigh* I'm afraid he'll try to hurt himself and then I would never be able to live with myself, or that he will try and hurt me, which is a pretty scary thought. I'm going to take him to the Department of Social Health Services and hopefully they will give him the help he needs.
How about if you let him make that decision, and take himself?
Again, how did he manage to take care of himself before he met you?
You're enjoying this too much to leave him.
The world will keep spinning without you.
Actually, none of the responses mentioned suicide or anything even closely related to that. Or did I miss something?
If he's going to hurt himself, it would be with or with out you.
You can't control what another person does.
But you can control what you do. Either accept that you are saddled with someone you don't love or move on.
There aren't a lot of choices here.
"You may feel you need me, but I certainly don't need you. Call someone else."
Your kids deserve your attention. He doesn't.
Noddy- thankfully I don't have any children with him.
Well, I drove up there this morning to take him and like I expected, he didn't go. He made some lame excuse about "cherishing every moment" he spends with me and didn't want to waste it going there. I'm at my wits end and I think it's time I stopped worrying about him, as it doesn't seem to do any good- for either of us. He's still confessing his unrequitted love and his neediness scares the crap out of me.
Well, I think just deciding to no longer worry about him is not something you can do. You're going to worry. No doubt about that. But worry on your own side of town and stay out of contact with him. Period. Are your parents aware of what's going on because if he is a threat, they ought to be know about that.
One more question. Are you still having sex with him?
it's always about sex with you eoe... you always spin things around to that. I find it distasteful.
yeah yeah you know you love it.
But seriously, if she's still having sex with this guy...
Mcho--
In an ideal world your Ex would wake up tomorrow morning and announce to himself, "Its over."
This is not an ideal world.
He doesn't listen to you.
He doesn't accept reality.
I'm with the other posters. Shut off contact and start building a sane life without him.
We did one time the day after we broke up... I hate the way it sounds, but it was out of pity. After that I was ashamed and vowed never to do it again, and I haven't. Everytime I talk to him he's bawling like a baby and making me feel bad... Is he ever going to be able to get over this?? I want to help him, I really do... I don't want some guy having a broken heart because of me... I'm telling him over and over that he's dependency on me scares me, that's he's overbearing and that I can't handle it... Isn't it such a coincidence that as soon as we break up he FINALLY sees what a great person I am? (Scoff) It would be so much easier to just "worry from my part of town" if I knew he had good people in his life to watch over him but he's cut everyone out of his life.
Well, he may need counselling but you aren't the one to either give it to him or help him get it. This situation can get abusive.
Mcho--
When you were with him he wanted you to know what a lousy, rotten person you were--and he wanted all of your time and energy.
Now that the romance is over he wants you to know how miserable he feels--and he wants all your time and energy.
Don't you see anything wrong with this picture?
What would be your response to a three year old who said, either you read me a story right now or I'll hold my breath until I turn blue?
You don't have children--just one spoiled brat.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace