Weddings which don't go

... lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil...

I went to a wedding once where the bride was cheating on the groom, and she was late to the ceremony. I wasn't in the wedding party but I was a close enough friend that the groom kind of gave me that universal look of, "Do you have any information you need to share with me?" She was 15 or so minutes late but that's an eternity at the altar. Her mother was snapping too many pictures and lost track of time. They're now married something like 20 years. I don't believe she's cheated again but I'm not privy to such things.

Anyway, it can work out.

Then on the other hand, I have a good friend who married a guy I absolutely hated. I was in the wedding party (there's a wonderful position to be in, eh?) and was sick of the idea of smiling and telling everyone how wonderful I thought the whole deal was. So I kept quiet. I had to stay there as it was in Pittsburgh and she and I shared a bedroom the night before her wedding (the house was packed with visitors). I did not tell her that I thought she was making a mistake, but she did ask me what I thought of him and I told her I thought he was a difficult person. They divorced less than a year later.

Hell, the night before we were married, I asked RP if he thought it was the right thing to do. He said yes, now go back to sleep. That was over 15 years ago.

The point I'm making in a roundabout way is that nervousness is pretty natural and it doesn't always go to the same endpoint. But it takes a lot to stop the wedding wheels once they're in motion, or at least it should. There are a lot of arrangements going on and people may have already bought gifts and made travel arrangements. Most brides and grooms are at least conscious of that on some level (the year or so leading up to a wedding can be a time of daze and confusion as your brain gets numb arguing about how tall you want the centerpieces to be) and so it is -- or at least should be -- something very important that would cause them to postpone a wedding.

Unless there are obvious other reasons, e. g. someone very close to the couple is very sick or dying or has died recently, or either member of the couple has become very sick or injured, or something like military service suddenly springs up (a call to the reserves or the like) or either member of the couple is suddenly transferred overseas (although usually that just makes people push up the date of the ceremony and leave the reception for another day), well, there just aren't a lot of reasons out there for putting off a wedding that don't involve second thoughts. Will the relationship recover? I think the groom in your case is optimistic and perhaps overly so, but I think it's in his best interests to try to be at least a little optimistic at this stage. If this goes on longer, though, then that optimism is misplaced.

How old are these folks? Is the bride leaving her family for the first time? Are they both Americans? Are there family issues/disapproval cropping up (e. g. the couple are of differing races or religions)? Is anyone very ill? If the answers to questions like these don't point anywhere but to cold feet and major second thoughts, then I'd say the chances of them reconciling are slim. Not impossible, but slim indeed.

PS Sometimes a wedding is put off at the last minute because someone is being abused, either physically or verbally. Not that that's the case here but that is another reason for such things, as the one being abused is convinced to not go through with things and/or pushes the abuser to seek counseling.

Re: Weddings which don't go


Would this be on a t-shirt? a tattoo? vanity plate on her car??

I'm betting tattooed on her forehead.

I was thinking maybe above the thong on the base of her back.

23 - 24. No other issues (than cold feet) to my knowledge.

gungasnake- Remember, that getting married means turning your world upside down, and trodding on a path never seen before. It can be very frightening. I heartily agree with the remark that Jes made about "But it takes a lot to stop the wedding wheels once they're in motion, or at least it should."

On the other hand, if there are REAL doubts, if the little voice in a person's head is saying that he/she is in for BIG trouble, I say, stop the parade. I wish that I had had enough wisdom to follow my own advice when I married the 1st Mr. P.

Your young colleague's fiancee must really be having doubts.

In some ways a divorce is less embarrassing than calling off a wedding once the bridal machinery has been set in motion.

What are the chances of this wedding taking place later? Probably very slim, but that isn't your problem. Your problem is to assure the thwarted groom that he is a very fine fellow with the sense to pick an honest flake instead of a woman who would have ignored her feelings and made his life miserable.

Right now he's feeling like a betrayed fool. Don't run her down, build him up.

Excellent advice!

I walked away from my first wedding due to cold feet (actually, it was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach). I said I wasn't ready. We eventually set another date. I canceled that one too. I still wasn't ready (in retrospect, I knew I was making a mistake). The first Mr B wanted a wife (he actually wanted a mother) and both set of parents were concerned about our living arrangements (living in 'sin' was not acceptable in the mid '70s). So--- to make everyone else happy, I set a third date with very little lead time so that I'd be too busy to talk myself out of it again. We married. Twelve unhappy years later we divorced.

Sure he's feeling betrayed, but given time to heal and some help from his friends, he may come to look at this as a blessing in disguise.

Thanks, again that's my own impression, i.e. that if you're having to think too hard about something like that you should walk away from it.

Anybody other than me ever heard "the Big Bopper's Wedding" (the song on the flip side of Chantilly Lace)?

obviously this bitch is a demokkkrat.....

Wish I could say that.... These are quasi-normal people.

probably believes in evolution too... how else to explain her Godless, evil behavior?

I agree with Noddy's advice to build him up.

It's hard to know if she's making a clean break or just needs to do something crazy before settling down with one person for eternity. Me, before committing to my husband I upped and went to Mexico. By myself. I wanted to make sure there wasn't anything else I needed to do before committing, I guess. She could be doing that or she could just feel that it's not right and it's better to break it off now. Either way, the best thing to do for Poor Fella is to let him ramble on about it as often and as much as he needs to.

I'm trying to picture what there might be to get out of one's system in Mexico which can't be done in the US and the only thing I come up with is bull fights....

No doubt the Duck would win.

And, yes, bullfighting would be a good thing to have out of ones sytem before marriage.

It was more about adventure than anything else. I needed to have one and I did.

This is in the everyone is different category. Everyone handles the stress of an upcoming marriage differently. One couple I knew (knew them after the hubby left the wife at the alter), the groom had cold feet. He ended up not showing up to the wedding. He was so nervous and concerned if it was the right thing to do that he couldn't at the last minute marry her. They did keep together and actually lived together for several years after.

I met them after moving a couple of doors down from them. The day of their next planned wedding (much smaller this time), she is at the church or mom's house getting ready. He is over our place sweating and drinking saying to my male friend, I can't go, I'm going to my funeral and other such nonsense. My friend convinces him he simply has cold feet - come on you have been living together for years, etc. He calms down and is driven to the wedding. They get married and he has been happy since.

An extreme case of cold feet.

My husband is like you gungsnake - he instantly seems to know what is right for him and doesn't veer off. Me on the other hand, needs much time to feel this way.

Thanks, that's an interesting story to say the least.