Tricky problem with stealing

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I have a problem that I'm unsure how to handle and I hoping for some sound advise.

Last weekend my brother bought his new girlfriend to our house to meet me and my husband, as he lives in a different city from us they ended up staying the night. The girlfriend seemed very nice and I quite liked her, however the afternoon after they left, we discovered my necklance (only worth a couple of hundred dollars ) that I had left on the coffee table was missing, we have searched the house from top to bottom but it is just not here. ( It is quite a big bulky necklace, so it would be easy to find ).

I have a horrible feeling that my brother's girlfriend has stolen it, I have asked my brother if he had seen it and he said no, I can't tell him that I think his girfriend stole it as I have no proof. Stealing is a big NO NO to me, and it makes me sick that someone could come into my home and accept my hospitality then steal from me.

Other than the necklace my problem is that if my brother continues to go out with this girl or even ends up marrying her, I don't want her in my home again. My brother has told me how much he likes her and thinks she may be the one, so if I voice my concerns he will be pretty pissed with me, if I say something to her she will just tell my brother, so that won't work either.

Sorry if I haven't made much sense but I am pretty chewed up over this and I really would like some ideas on how to handle this as I really do not want her in my house again but I don't want to fall out with my brother.

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Geez. That is pretty messy. And I can imagine your disgust at the idea of your brother marrying a thief. Let's think about this...

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If you continue to believe she stole the necklace, you will have to eventually approach your brother on the subject. Otherwise, an emotional confrontation could explode in the future, one much worse than it could be now. I would expect it might be easiest to patch a rift now than then.

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Quote:

My brother has told me how much he likes her and thinks she may be the one, so if I voice my concerns he will be pretty pissed with me,

maybe , and maybe not.
It might just depend on the words you use.

has he ever dated, or brought over anyone else who has done things like this to other members of the family?
That is a good ice breaker, if it has happened before..

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Was there anyone else in the house at any time during their visit? Even just for a minute?

If so, well...presumed innocent.

I remember an identical situation taking place at my house when I was a child. My cousin (as well as other relatives) were over to the house. The cousins then gf was the only person we didn't know. Something went missing and my mother was convinced it was her. She never considered it could have been someone else....
My cousin and her have been married for over 30 years now, with 2 kids. I don't recall ever hearing anything else.

I too was once convinced someone who was attending a class at my place of work had stolen my handbag....really convinced to the point of reporting her....then found the handbag in a place it never should have been placed. I then remembered I had indeed put it there because my arms were full.

Not saying she did or didn't....I would just use the normal care you would use if a stranger were in your home...and keep an open mind. You've said all you have is a feeling....feelings aren't evidence.

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A lot of possibilities and you only reach one conclusion. The girlfriend stole it.

Lets see..

The dog ate it because you left it down where he could get at it. (Dogs do that sometimes.)

Your brother stole it.

You didn't leave it on the table like you thought you did and it will turn up in your car or your golf bag in a couple of months. (this one gets my vote)

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I agree with Chai. About 13 years ago, when my mom was in (so I thought) pretty good shape mentally, she hired a cleaning woman. The woman told us that on the weekends, she worked at a flea market.

After using this woman for a few weeks, my mom complained that a number of small things had gone missing, and blamed the cleaning girl. It all seemed so circumstantial. I had visions of the woman selling my mother's cherished college ring, (which she earned in her 70's) at the flea market. Since we could not prove anything, I just fired her, saying that we had made other arrangements.

A couple of years ago, my mother had to move to an assisted living facility. I was the one who had to go through her things, and sure enough, I found those items that my mother thought the woman had stolen.

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Shewolfnm, not to my knowledge, but I know he had a girlfriend once that stole towels etc from a motel room and my brother was so sicken by it he took everything she had stolen back the next day. He did however stay with her for another year.

The thing is that he blames me for his last relationship not lasting as I really didn't like this girl, she did nothing but run him down to me, not that I told him but I just couldn't befriend her in the way he had hoped, and he always claimed that if I did him and her may have lasted. If I complain about about this new one it will look like I have a problem with his girlfriends. Which by the the way I don't, I would love for him to be happy.

Not that it is relevant but this lastest girl is from the Philippines and he had met her on the internet and paid for her to fly out and visit, so he really doesn't know anything about her other than what she has told him.

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Just to answer a few questions:

Only the four of us, my husband , my brother, his girlfriend and myself were in the house.

My husband saw me put the necklace on the coffee table and neither of us touched it since. Foolish me should of put it away! Hubby wouldn't of stolen it as he bought it.

My brother has been to my home many times and I wouldn't believe for a minute that he would steal off me.

True I only have a feeling that she stole this, and I would dearly love to find this necklace to prove my feelings wrong. ( As I said , I did quite like her ) Agree 'feelings aren't evidence'.

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Re: Tricky problem with stealing

mimas wrote:

Last weekend my brother bought his new girlfriend to our house to meet me and my husband,

You know, when I read this first line I was wondering if it wasn't a freudian slip. I would think really hard about when and where I last saw that necklace and be very, very, very sure that I did not misplace it before saying anything to anyone that could be construed as an accusation.

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Yeah.

Maybe you can just ask him how things are going with the gf... are you guys close enough that you usually talk that way? If he has any reservations, say, "By the way, I've been kind of struggling with this because I have no evidence so who knows, but my necklace was on the table when she was her and I haven't been able to find it since. It could well be that I just put it someplace else or something, I really want to emphasize that I don't know anything for sure. But FYI."

I guess you could say that even if he doesn't have any reservations, actually.

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Are you any good at detective stuff? Give her another opportunity to steal, get her on camera with her hand in the cooky jar? Also, I vaguely remember chemistry lessons where we made an invisible tincture you can put on stuff; it makes your hands black when you touch it.

But I'd only go that route if I was really, really confident she stole the first item. I'd double- and triple-check first, just as FreeDuck said.

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I'm thinking of the bad blood that could easily develope between you and your brother.

Even if you try to say something really subtle, you've somehow got to link the missing necklace with his visit.

Life long family feuds have started over much less, and in his eyes, you may already have one strike against you over your feelings about his other girlfriend.
I'm putting myself in the place of your brother, and couldn't imagine NOT getting upset with you if you indicated this person I invited here at my expense was stealing.

Is she just visiting for a short while? If she is, personally, I'd let it drop. Nothing may come of this relationship, and you'd risk alienating your brother over something that doesn't even exist a year from now.

If something DOES come of this relationship, well, this will be a lesson to you not to leave valuables that can easily be pocketed out when she (or ANY visistor for that matter) comes visiting.

People do funny things when they are attracted to someone. How do you know the girl didn't persuade your own brother to pick it up for her? I can easily see that happening frankly given the fact he was willing to put out I'd expect a good sum of money to bring her over here.

I'd just let it lie for now, but keep my eyes open.

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Chai wrote:

I'd just let it lie for now, but keep my eyes open.

Ditto.

There's no proof and there's too much chance for hard feelings that could take years to undo.

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I have mixed feelings. For the most part, I feel this way -

JPB wrote:

Chai wrote:
I'd just let it lie for now, but keep my eyes open.

Ditto.

There's no proof and there's too much chance for hard feelings that could take years to undo.

Another part of me wants you to talk straight with your brother - first about the first girlfriend. He still doesn't know how much she badmouthed him to you. and why that was part of your distancing yourself. (Or does he?)

And then, on this necklace bit, something along the lines of what Sozobe suggested.

But even as I say this, I wouldn't do it - if I did it - right away. You don't have proof. And the new type of necklaces may levitate now...
You don't know the relationship won't founder on its own.
I don't know how fragile your relationship with your brother is, how directly you two have spoken in the past. Even if I did try to talk about all this, I'd try to do it in the context of a related discussion with him about "life".

I do see how this could explode the relationship with your brother, and that that may be much more likely than a talk with him would work out.
Looking at it in the long run is tricky too. Don't speak, and years go by, and you'll have accumulated years of misunderstanding. Do speak, and you could have a major family rift.

In the meantime, while I strongly agree with 'wait and see', the immediate tricky part will be about not having them over again.... which I fully understand your not doing.

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Thomas wrote:

Are you any good at detective stuff? Give her another opportunity to steal, get her on camera with her hand in the cooky jar?

This sounds workable to me. You'll have to have without-a-doubt proof when telling your brother and this sounds like the only way.

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Re: Tricky problem with stealing

mimas wrote:

Other than the necklace my problem is that if my brother continues to go out with this girl or even ends up marrying her, I don't want her in my home again.

You'd said earlier that you liked her - so other than the necklace, what is the problem that's causing you to say this?

~~~

Can you ask your brother to ask her if she noticed where the necklace was while they were at the house - just a general question - not "do you have it" - but "mimas doesn't know where her necklace is, did you see her put it anywhere".

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ossobuco wrote:

Another part of me wants you to talk straight with your brother - first about the first girlfriend. He still doesn't know how much she badmouthed him to you. and why that was part of your distancing yourself. (Or does he?)

osso, what purpose would it serve for her to dredge up the old girlfriend?

She's gone, let sleeping dogs lie.

For as outspoken and direct all you know me to be, if I had been able to keep quiet about something for this long, there's no reason I can see to bring it up.

If she does bring up the first girlfriend, now the brother could take it several ways, all a few at the same time.

1. he could say "So, you didn't like my old girlfriend, and now you don't like this one. How do I know you're not making things up about both of them. You wouldn't be happy with anyone I brought around"

2. he could say "Well, thanks for letting me know what a poor judge of character I am...Now you tell me my old girlfriend was bad mouthing me. Now you tell me my new girlfriend is a thief."

Between 1 and 2, he'd either be saying his sister is a bitch, or his sister thinks he's an idiot at relationships.

Life is full of lessons.

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I see your points, Chai.

On the old gf, apparently he is still resenting her for that, and doesn't know her reasons for avoidance.

But, yes, talking about it could sure backfire.

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thanks osso...

I'm still wondering about the necklace....If the girl (or the brother, for the girl) did steal it, well, she couldn't very well wear it while visiting...guess she would just hold it until she got back home.

Nothing people do surprises me anymore.

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Tricky problem with stealing

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