Hey! I'm available! Well...kinda.
im in this very same situation! dear god its awful! we even started sending pics over the phone just like you!, but i got in a really weird situation. shes my ex(but i was young and we didnt do anything sexual), but i dated her cousin , and me and her cousin we way older than when i dated her, then we started talking again, but then i was with both of them.
and shes already in a relationship. but i dont care about unimporatant things like less deserving males
haha j/k
i dont know whether to go for friends with benifits, friends only, or what . but im confused
"one of the worst things in life is to lose a friend, but one of the best is to gain a lover..."
You keep mentioning that "as long as I am not home, it can't get so out of control".
But it really looks like you being away is exactly why it is going as far as it is.
You both can rest in the fact that while you are talking and having an emotional affair (I would classify what is happening as an emotional affair), well, it's not like you are physically touching each other.
Being away physically may be the thing that has made it so easy to get wrapped up in all this. Very convienent excuses for justifying (to yourself) why you are letting this happen.
"It's just a picture, it's not real"
"It's just a talk, it's not real"
Yet it seems more dangerous to me what you are doing now than if you had simply sucked face one night or hopped in bed. That would at least be honest.
It almost sounds like you are beginning to view him as someone you are starting to love in a new way. Exploring that potential through the safety of physical distance.
I do sense you would do foolish things if you saw him now. Or speak to him now. Or send pictures to him now.
So stop doing it. lol.
What you are doing is allowing yourself to be carried off, just as you yourself have said.
Well, DON'T. There I said it. DON'T BE STUPID.
You're not some slut or homewrecker, and he does sound like as eoe described - a nice guy who is making some crappy decisions.
What if the two of you are meant to be great friends, or even the love of each other's lives (who knows?!).
Hey, it has happened that a married person is with the wrong person. And they do go on to live and love someone who is better suited to them (someone at A2K comes to mind).
With what you are doing now, you are screwing it all up and fuelling hurt and confusion for NO REASON.
What are your feelings for him? It's clear it's not just about sex. And it's not just friends.
Go find someone to play with, or get some sex toys and play with those for now.
Leave your friend to settle his marriage. You can't be the one to make those decisions, and if you are honest - you no longer can be the one who he comes to cry or get relief from his life.
You need to back off and live your own life, and see what he does.
Decide how you feel about him and what you want.
If it is something as silly as you are lonely or bored, you can be honest with yourself there and do something about it. Instead of using a good married friend as Mr. Right Now.
Just my 2 cents.
I TRULY wish it was as easy as classifying this as lonliness or boredom or sex deprivation. Then I can redirect my energies elsewhere. It's not like I don't have a life-I'm trying to get into grad school, I date, I hang out with friends, I even started learning how to shoot pool so I can be more of a "guy magnet." (I know, that's silly, but it works, so long as the game is interesting and somewhat competitive!) However, I'm as confused about my feelings and he is about his. We talk (non sexually) about this whole thing and it's like 2 hamsters running on a wheel. We both admit that we're handling this completely wrong and that we should just stop, but then we start really connecting on levels deeper than we care to-and once we're in that realm we can't get out.
Mushycakes has it right to classify this an an emotional affair because, as time and conversations went on, this thing has turned into a lot more than just the initial phone sex inquiry from my first post. (Granted: if it did stay as just phone sex things would have been a hell of a lot easier and it would have already ended!) So I will be honest and say that, yes, this has turned into an emotional affair.
However, as Mushycakes also stated, sometimes people marry the wrong person. In his case that's how he feels. (I do know he'd felt that way BEFORE all of the "flirting" happened between us, so I know that had nothing to do with me. I knew that since last year.) HOWEVER...I am not taking that info and trying to flip it to my advantage. (Let me say that now before anyone goes there...I had my own problems with the loss of my mom last year, around the same time he revealed some of his problems to me about his marriage; men weren't even a spec on my radar-hell, breathing wasn't even on my radar for a while!! but anyway...)
So what advantage do I have? I have zero advantage, and 100% to lose in him if his wife found out OR if he decides to stay married (he told me before last Thanksgiving that they started talking about just throwing in the towel, so that was well on his mind months before this situation even started...but I don't know how to classify my role in him making that final decision if he was to do it now...).
I guess it boils down to the fact that I don't want to admit that I'm being selfish, we're being selfish, but I guess in this situation one is automatically selfish. Selfishness is the defining factor of any kind of affair, where you put your needs/wants/desires ahead of others. I cannot, nor will not, justify my actions.
But OMG he makes me feel precious....not good, not great, but precious!...and we connect in ways that neither one of us has ever connected with any other...and he can be himself around me without any judgement or reservations...and we do fit so well together and understand each other...and there is a part of me (the 2/3 of the right side of my brain) that doesn't want to let that go...
Being an adult sucks. When I was a kid, my biggest problem was figuring out how much peanut butter I wanted on my sandwich...
SWEET ISNT AS SWEET WITHOUT THE SOUR MY FRIEND.
Kissnsweet, the kind of affair you guys are having is so, so easy. You're not living together. You don't see each other. You are having an affair with idealized versions of each other -- and it's great to feel that someone sees you're idealized self.
It sounds like you're pretty much reaching the apex of easiness. From here, it either a) coasts, and someone gets frustrated that it's not moving anywhere, b) goes to the next level, and then the idealism and ease starts falling away, or c) ends.
I'm not one to say that it's the "home-wrecker's" fault for destroying a marriage. I think your boyfriend is acting like a first-class jerk, though, and that that should count for something. Fine, he married the wrong person (has he, though, or is she unable to compete with an idealized version of you -- that's a competition nobody can win). It's now his job to figure out the marriage -- put some effort into it, end it, what? -- BEFORE he gets tangled up with you.
Since our last episode
Since our last episode I had really let your comments sink in, and really began to own up to my half of the deal. Yes, I am, in part, responsible for what is happening, and although I had talked to him repeatedly about his actions and I "left the decision" to him as far as actively carrying on an affair, I am of sound mind, capable of making the right decisions. For selfish reasons, however, I have not. I am fully aware that married men very rarely leave the wife for the other woman, no matter how "great" things seem. But for now I am getting something out of him that I need...he's been my break in the clouds, that single rose amongst the thorns. It's not just a sexual tryst here; I do believe it's more of an emotional relationship with him because, let's face it, how many men do you know are willing to have an "over the phone" affair?
So yes I did go back home. And yes I did have great sex with my friend. And that day was incredible for the both of us! And now I'm back here and our conversations are even more intense. And, in a little twist of fate, my company is closing down. With this happening I have decided to move back home (for reasons that honestly have nothing to do with this man-that was on my mind since last year when my mom fell ill and passed). However, he does want me to move into his area...I already told him no way in hell.
Now here is where I finally take control (and this is where I feel some women in my shoes fail themselves, besides letting the affair happen, of course): About a few evenings after our trip he e-mailed me. I delayed responding to him because I was chatting with another gentleman [a single one, at that]. The married one asked me what I was doing. I told him I was on yahoo messenger chatting with someone. He asked, "Who?" I said, "Your competition." His first response: "You're cheating on me?" I said, "Umm, you are *married*, you know." His response: "I know, but I don't like that someone else is my competition." I ended that segment of the conversation by stating that the guy I'm chatting with had the potential to replace him. He was hurt but really couldn't say anything, even though he wanted to.
The next morning, I e-mailed him telling him that I do love him and I do want to have more with him, and I feel that he wants to have more with me. However, his commitment is with his wife [and rightfully so], and I deserve a man whose commitment is with me. I also said that at some point soon I will leave him, but I'll let him know when I'm ready to do so. He read it and was hurt and upset. But he really had nothing to say but that he understood, which gave me 100% indication that no matter how bad things seemed to be at home he was NOT going to leave his wife. The one thing I did learn about guys is that when they are threatened with the prospect of their lady leaving them they will move heaven and earth to prevent that from happening. By him "understanding" that I had to leave, that let me know everything I needed to know.
I DO know that I deserve to be with someone who is committed to me, and that he is going to come home to me every night. It's truly sad that it will be over soon, but I'll be alright. I'll move on...and deny any of this had ever happened!
Why deny it ever happened??? Isn't this where we left off before?
You would really be doing yourself an enormous favor if you would learn to own up to your actions.
I am not very experienced at this. The only person I have been physically involved with, is and( God Willing) will be my Husband.
Why don't you stop all contact with him, give it some time. IF his marriage still fails then you could decide what you want to do with him. If he actually take steps to preserve his marriage or finds your replacement then you would know it was not worth it.
Do I sound Naive, That is because I am but I would not have made that trip back home and I will be moving somewhere else now.
I do own up to it
Hey eoe,
I *DO* own up to my actions...that was the very first thing I said, the very thing I re-opened the conversation up with. The "deny" part was just me being funny.
Glad to read/hear it. But you know how easy it is to slip back into self-defeating habits. Just didn't want to see you do that.
You know, all my life I have always tried to be the "good girl." People always thought of me as a snob and that I was little ms. perfect. I even had a good friend say to me during an argument that people made mistakes and I shouldn't look down on them. I didn't think that I did, and I felt horrible that someone thought that's how I was. So early last year around my birthday I decided to just do whatever...throw caution to the wind...liberate myself, if you will. And I have done a few things that I probably wouldn't normally do, and being with this guy is definitely one of them.
Your core being is your core, and there's nothing you can do to change that. When you start to step outside of yourself the things that make up the heart and soul of your being will begin to pull you back into alignment if you listen to what they're saying. And that's what's happening now. Mr. Married Man has given me more cherishable moments: more love, more openness, more room for me to truly be me, he completely understands everything about me, including my slightly twisted sense of humor that not too many guys really get, and a level of passion that I didn't even know the male species had in them! However, it's not right what I'm doing, and I am going against my own personal core values. And that's something I can't continuously do to myself.
Honestly I haven't ended it just yet, but the time is close...very close.
Quote:Your core being is your core, and there's nothing you can do to change that.
Now I seem to think that is your animal self and you can go above and beyond that. Do you believe in anything Spiritual in yourself. IT seems like you have surrendered to your animal desires and hushed your conscience to a sleep.
