Get your mind out of the gutter...

I told the guys on the golf course today that before I leave in the morning -- as a good luck guesture, my wife kisses my balls.

They all snickered those dirty minded buggers.

What does a man do standing up, a woman sitting down, and a dog on three legs?








wait for it










shakes hands . . .

Harold Pinter: The Birthday Party (1958)

(She collects Stanley's plate) Was it nice?
STANLEY. What?
MEG. The fried bread.
STANLEY. Succulent.
MEG. You shouldn't say that word.
STANLEY. What word?
MEG. That word you said.
STANLEY. What, 'succulent'?
MEG. Don't say it.
STANLEY. What's the matter with it?
MEG. You shouldn't say that word to a married woman.
STANLEY. Is that a fact?
MEG. Yes.
STANLEY. Well, I never knew that.
MEG. Well, it's true.
STANLEY. Who told you that?
MEG. Never you mind.
STANLEY. Well, if I can't say it to a married woman who can I say it to?
MEG. You're bad.

I can't recall if it was this play or the other Pinter classic 'The dumb Waiter', both of which we read in high school, that went on about flowers, clematis, convulvulus and snapdragon...us kiddies all snickered and teach said with a very straight face "The double entendre was put there on purpose."

Well, there's the old Steve Martin bit. Someone might wince at this, I think. I'll paraphrase...

"So, I was at this woman's house the other night, I was with this woman, and she had the best pussy I have ever seen."

(laughter)

"Oh, come on! I'm talking about her cat! You can't say anything any more without people taking it dirty. You people disgust me. Everything you say, someone's going to make it something filthy. You people make me sick."


(pause)











"That cat was the best fück I've ever had, too."

"Nice beaver"
"Thanks, I just had it stuffed."

-Naked Gun (or was it Naked Gun 2 1/2?)

I like the Steve Martin bit on meeting the swinger couple (Let's Get Small) too, when they ask him if he's "bi", and he says "well, I speak a little Spanish." Leads up to "want to come back to our place for some S & M?" "Oh, great, Spaniards and Mexicans!"

"Zo, you wanna little roll in de hay? (Rolling in the hay:) Roll, Roll, Roll in de hay...." --Teri Garr in Young Frankenstein

Give a four letter word for intercourse, ending in "k" . . .













































. . . talk

hahaha!

Johnny Carson interviewing Zha Zha Gabore (with white persian cat in her lap)

Zha Zha: Would you like to pet my pussy?

Johnny: Sure, if you move that damn cat out of the way.


One of Johnny's classic moments.

I saw her snatch
Her suitcase from the shelf...

Are you happy to see me...

...or is that a Derringer you've got in your pocket!

What goes in hard and dry, and comes out soft and wet?


































chewing gum.

There was a thing in the Onion a while back about parents who persisted in using thinly veiled innuendo in front of their kids, to the kids' horror. E.G. and I have a really hard time curtailing the "that's what SHE said" kind of stuff, though, so our new code is, "Remember the Onion family..."

How's Your Whole... Family?
Red Peters with Tex Marino and The Poisonaires

How's your whole... family?
How's your whole... family?
How's your whole... family?
How's your whole... family?

How's your whole... family? (How's your whole?)
How's your whole... family? (How's your whole?)
How's your whole... family? (How's your whole... family?)
How's your whole... family?

How's your dic-tation machine? (How's your dic-)
How's your dic-tation machine? (How's your dic-)
How's your dic-tation machine? (How's your dic-tation machine?)
How's your dic-tation machine?

Take your pants down... to the cleaners today. (ah-ooo)
Take your pants down... to the cleaners today. (ah-ooo)
Take your pants down... to the cleaners today. (ah-ooo)
Take your pants down... to the cleaners today.

(instrumental)
Won't you do my as-trological chart? (oh won't you do his as-)
Won't you do my as-trological chart? (come on-a wanna baby won't you do his as-)
Won't you do my as-trological chart? (oh won't you do his as-trological chart?)
Won't you do my as-trological chart?

Suck on a stiff cock-tail with me. (stiff cock- ah-ooo)
Suck on a stiff cock-tail with me. (stiff cock- ah-ooo)
Suck on a stiff cock-tail with me. (stiff cock- ah-ooo)
Suck on a stiff cock-tail with me.

(musical interlude)
How's your whole... family? (How's your whole?)
How's your whole... family? (Tell me how's that great big whole)
How's your whole... family? (How's your whole... family?)
How's your whole... family?

(spoken) "Prick!"

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears thumping coming from his parent's room. He goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in, you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

drifting away from the intention of the thread, but since we're on the theme...

A little boy is going for a walk through the neighborhood with his mom one day. As they walk along, he says a male dog mounting a female.

Just an innocent child, he asks, "Mommy, what are those dogs doing?"

Since mom is a very progressive sort of lady and believes in the education of children, she says, "Well, Bobby, they're making a puppy."

Bobby says, "Oh," and they keep walking.

That night, Bobby wakes up thirsty, and walks to his parents' room to ask for a glass of water. When he opens the door, he sees his dad on top of his mom, and they're both naked and writhing around. "What are you guys doing?" he asks.

Well, dad is a progressive sort, too, and doesn't want Bobby to grow up ashamed and weird about sex, so he just says "We're making you a baby sister."

Bobby frowns and thinks for a second, then says, "Well, turn mommy over. I want a puppy instead."

Not a joke, but very much in keeping with the theme.

I was watching "Little Bill" on Nickelodeon with the sozlet this a.m. Little Bill finds a worm in the garden, while playing with his friend (whose name escapes me.) They talked about how much they liked the worm. They petted it. The friend said that he wanted a worm, too. Then Little Bill said that if his friend had a worm, "My worm can play with your worm."

It went on in this vein for a while, and you'll have a hard time convincing me that some writers weren't havin' some fun.

I am just in a Red Peters mood...

Red Peters with Smelly Water
featuring The Dickner Brothers (Iben, Uben & Heben)

Storyteller (spoken word)
VERSE ONE

I was sittin' out on the porch the other night
reminiscing about the good ole days
and how my grandson Bobby and I would finish up chores
and mosey on into town.
Heck, we were poor back then
but we loved window shopping.
And I recall how excited Bobby'd get
'specially when we stopped by the pet shop.
you see, there was this one little puppy
that he really took a hankerin' to
and he'd look up at me and say
"Grandpa... if that was my dog, I'd name him Stains,
cuz of that splash of white on his coat."
Well, right then and there, I made a up my mind,
that I'd get that little critter for Bobby
so that following mornin', I cashed in a savings bond and brought the little mutt home.
Darnit, I couldn't tell you who was happiest that day,
me, Bobby or that there dog.
Them two were inseparable ....
why, you'da need a crowbar to separate those two.
And to this day, I can still hear the boy hollerin' after that dog...
still hear him calling... calling out his name...

CHORUS (sung)
Come Stains! Come Stains!
I still can Hear him calling...Come Stains!

Storyteller
VERSE TWO

You know, we don't like talkin' about it much
but it was that following winter
that little Bobby took ill.
and they don't allow dogs at the hospital
so back home you'd find Stains on Bobby's bed.
I'll never forget the day Doc called
and gave us the bad news about Bobby
out of the corner of my eye
I saw Stains lift his sad little dogface from Bobby's pillow.
Somehow he knew that Bobby was gone
and I swear to the good lord
that Stains was hearing Bobby calling out to him one more time from heaven
he just sorta smiled, crossed his paws like he was prayin'
put his head on the pillow..........and passed away.

CHORUS
Come Stains! Come Stains!
I still can hear him calling, Come Stains!
Come Stains! Come Stains!
I still can hear him calling, Come Stains!

(boy and dog united in Heaven) "Come Stains! Come Stains!...Stains!...Woof, woof..."

Ha ha ha ha!!!!!!! Remindful of the joke ad on "Shakin' the Shack," the local rockabilly radio show for "Blue Vein Weiners." Which itself remindful of the KPIG (Freedom, CA) joke ad for "Dickens Cider." ("Why, even the minister's wife likes a little hot Dickens cider every now and then.")