Surviving a marriage breakup with a Sex Addict

I was mistaken. I meant to address that to Hanginginthere and so on.

Juanita, this man always was number one in his mind. He only doled out the bare minumum to keep you and justify his "respectable" image. This guy is probably also a narcissist, unable to feel for anyone but himself and his pleasures. I have a close family member who could be your husband. Once he couldn't maintain the image of respectibility with his wife, he turned on her and his children as if it was their fault he was a heel. Of course the very next woman he gathered up was supposed to be his salvation from the 19 years of misery he spent with wife number 1. I am intimately aware of all the lies and deceits because he is my brother. I can't help him re-write history, because I was there the whole time. Which is another reason he was able to turn his back on me and his nephews and my husband. Frankly, I am relieved to avoid all the drama. I love my brother, but I don't think things can ever be the same. Bottom line is that it is actually better than I thought it would be. I love my family and miss the old get-togethers, but it's a big relief to avoid the lies and manipulations. Try to spend time with people you enjoy, life is too short to waste it on terrible people.

Glitter, this is an old thread, which leaves us railing at furballs. I'm sorry I posted.

Hello my old pal, I thought the 2009 entry was from Juanita, but it was another poster with the same sad situation. It's old and so am I, so we need to make allowances for ourselves. Always good to see you. GB

I'm always glad to see you, glitter. I suppose we should email once in a while, but we are mutually too lazy. Still, I care how you are.

threads like this make me wish noddy were here.
for some reason when she was around and handing out her pearls of life wisdom I just felt honored that she would acknowledge me, but , it is only now that I can see the 'quality' of her pearls .
Gah .

I know what you mean, shewolf. I miss Noddy & her pearls of wisdom, too.

I'm in the dark here, did Noddy decide not to post any longer. I always enjoy her postings.

I'm sorry to convey this news, Glitterbag, but Noddy passed away last August.

Here is the thread in which Jespah told us..

http://able2know.org/topic/120478-1

Hi Hanging in there..so many of these posts were from awhile ago, so it was great to see the one from you so current.I am so sorry for your huge loss, and I so identify. I was with my husband for 20 years, married 15 years, yesterday.
he left 2 months ago. About one year ago I told him I could no longer enable him financially--i mean massive tax and student loan debt (before we were married) debt has no stress or meaning to him--it is almost like a reverse lotto--he just keeps ringing it up. So that was my wake up call, i just could no longer sit by and throw my future away (we are 45)

After months of trying to get him to work on it as a partner, he chose to leave. I could not believe it. Now I feel silly saying this, because the financial strain was what woke me up, but it was only a sympton of a major problem!! We did have a good sex life, I was never unhappy. But it was never enough. I know now, if I did it 7x a week, it would not have been enough--but he always made me feel bad that I did not do it more...I wondered last fall if he was a sex addict--constant masturbation and porn, I had never really heard of sex addiction until David Duchovny. But it kind of got shelved and the financial thing was the focus.

Anyhow, after he left I really started searching the internet for answers and it was like a major light going off. Total sex addict--total. It all started to make sense--all the porn, the masturbation, all the times he would flirt, all the uneasy feelings I had over the years. But it was not until I discovered profiles he had on dating sites, started 5 years ago!!! while we were married, that I really got it. Let alone, I also found profiles he had on S and M sites, over the last 6 months, but claims on them to have been into S and M for 8+ years!!! He said he only practiced real time occasionally--like when I would go visit my family, I would guess. It all pails in comparison, to the personal ad he placed on Craig's List before he moved out--at that time that was crushing, when I had no idea he had not been faithful for YEARS.

So I sat there crushed, like I had just been steam rolled. While I see I enabled him fiancially, I never even knew about the sex addiction--just did not even understand it. I thought porn was like looking at Penthouse, I had no idea he had email relationships and webcam relationships and god knows what else. he is also on Ashley Madison--a site that is for married people looking for affairs!!! I feel like I have been totally asleep, and now I am crushed and devalued and totally understand how all women who are involved in these relationships just end up dying inside, it is brutal.

Beyond this, in my research, I see he is a total narcissist (narcissim and sex addict go hand in hand) and sociopath--no conscience, no empathy, totally superficial, turns on the charm when needed, pathological liar, and on. I never even really knew what these terms meant. I feel so silly writing this, like how could I be so dumb??

i am a smart woman, always have had excellent jobs. I have a daughter with him, so that is a huge issue to now have to contend with him, and his deviant lifestyle. she is just eight. I hate having this man be her dad.

Today was tough, I found myself in tears over this all over again. To be so humiliated and lied to, used, thrown out like trash, not honored and respected and not really loved, it is a lot to take. I wonder too how I can really trust and find a good guy in the future. I wonder how I wanted so much to be his wife. his flirtations were always rampant--even on our honeymoon.
And get this, after 2 years of marriage, he left, and immediately was out having sex. gone for 14 months. I took him back. NUTS. I just had no idea 13 years ago. I could have saved myself from all of this. There is NO going back this time. but it is really hard to let it all go. At the end of the day, I loved only an illusion, something I so wanted to work, and it was doomed, doomed from the moment I met him.

peace to all of us and we walk this awful path and look for a new life.

You have to remind yourself constantly that you did not create this man. He has chosen his path, and will do everything he can to convince others to enable him. It doesn't matter what the corruption is, he will cling to it and urge others to enable him. Cut him out of your life and don't look back. Sometime in the distant future there may be medication to treat these tortured souls, but until that happens, you musst get away, far away, you are not his mother or guardian, let him reap what he sows. I don't say that in anger, but only for concern for you and other mothers with children trapped in an unhealty relashionship. I know a little bit about this because I escaped a dreadful relashionship (marriage) when my son was only 26 months old. It was a life or death situation, I have never regreted my decision. You need to take care of yourself and your daughter. I wish you all the best, I know it's not easy, but you know what you have to do. God bless and let me know if I can be of any help.

ossobuco, I rember Noddy with great affection. She was a bright light on this forum. I know none of us will live forever, but isn't it difficult to let go of someone so special? My husband had by-pass surgery around that time, and I didn't often check out the forums.....too busy taking care of him. I regret I missed her passing, she was a wonderful voice and was silenced too soon. I will offer bright light and good wishes for her, I know she is in a better place. I believe Noddy is resting in a state of grace. God or someone is looking over her.

Hi glitterbag, thank you for your lovely note. I WISH so much I could get away from him, it is my wish every day. But I cannot just move away since we have our daughter/custody issue, I don't know if the court would just let me move. My WISH every day, is that he will continue to fail in his business, finally failing, and be forced to move away to pursue god knows what, while his sex addiction is front and center always in his life. With him out of the picture I feel like I could really breathe and move on. It is really tough in the meantime.
Sometimes I cannot catch the tears before they fall without warning. Around every corner awaits something to trigger great upset. I never knew how big of an issue this was in our society, how many suffering women there are--who did NOT ask or accept to be in a relationship like this, but are deceived and not honered, and then are left devastated, picking up the pieces. This is a hard road to walk.

re: Lotoftears.

I do understand the situation your are in. My ex wasn't a sex addict although he did cheat often....my problem was he was a violent drunk and I didn't manage to get the nerve to leave until he stuck an automatic weapon in my face. I wish I could tell you I did something brave, but all I did was faint. The dumb SOB took my son to my Mom and Dad's, they convinced him to leave Eric with them so he could get his broken hand fixed at the hospital. When my mother called and said in a steely voice "what the hell happened there last night" I had to fess up to the abuse and mistreatment. I left that house right after she called and stayed with my parents and kept my son safe. This was many years ago, and I still count myself lucky. I was able to move forward....it's hard at first to imagine yourself single...I thought I got married for life...but life gave me another chance....please don't dwell on what could have been, because with this man it never will. Move on, let him make someone else his protector.....please trust me on this, you can be so much more alone while living with this man, than you can ever be alone.

If you have any other questions, please email me, I am a survivor, and you can be one too. Good luck.

I was married for 20 years to a man with an addiction to prostitutes which started when he was 17 -- ten years before I met him. I never knew about it while we were together. We split up when his affair with his 22 year-old prostitute girlfriend became known. We have two teens and 2 preschoolers recently adopted from China. I hate that they have to grow up with this perverted man for their father. I married this man believing he had similar morals and values as myself. But it was all an act. I was just an unwitting cast member in his sham of a life. As soon as my ex was exposed, he changed. It's like he figured he could stop hiding his true personality. He tried to blame me and our kids for his behavior and you know what? It worked. People didn't want to believe that he could be as horrible as he was being, so they chose not to believe me, and believed the lies he told them about me instead. When he was alone with me, he was vile. When others were watching, he was a kind-hearted victim. Everyone bought it. Narcissist for sure. Pathological liar -- yes, and it's spooky! I'm sure he actually believes what he's saying sometimes and I'll bet he would pass a polygraph when he's lying. It's like he's a REALLY good actor! I never guessed he was a liar while we were married. Now I remember times he was (I now know) lying to me when he his head was bowed, his shoulders shaking, tears streaming down his face -- admitting to getting an STD from a former girlfriend before we were married. And later he admits he got it from a prostitute. He lies with words and body language. He lies when he doesn't need to. It's his lying that will keep me from ever trusting another man again for the rest of my life. I could deal with the actions, but all the lying -- especially to blame me so he could feel better about himself -- that's what has hurt the most.

Hi Alotofears, I am new to this site. I googled up sex addiction and found this. I am very sorry for what you are going through. I know how you feel about being thrown out like trash. My husband, whom I recently discovered is a sex addict, is doing exactly the same to me now. It all came out in the open when I discovered that he has been having an affair. I had noticed him masturbating previously but thought it just to be a guy thing. He took his 'guy thing' too far when he had the affair. The worst thing about it, is that we had just moved to a new country and my family isn't here so I'm pretty much trying to pick myself up on my own. The good thing is that I don't have kids.

I was devastated and alone when he called me over the phone while I was out of town, to break it off. I couldn't believe that he tried to break up with me, his wife, over the phone while I was overseas! I loved him very much then, didn't know what was happening and fell into an immediate depression. This went on for months; and despite his lies and his cheating ways, I remembered only the good times we had and the lovable husband he was. So I tried to work it out with him, took him to counseling, marital retreat, etc. We were only dealing with the affair then because that was all I knew at that time. He then said he wanted to try, came back and left in less than 2 weeks. Still hooked on the other girl. He even on trips with her over the last months and brought her to his hometown while we were still married and not separated. Then he came back to try again. I let him in and within 2 days, he was back on email with the other girl ( I say girl because she is a girl, very young). She kept wooing him back and he kept going back. And he kept comparing our relationship to his new relationship; telling me that he didn't want to be with me anymore because he didn't think I would be a good mother, that I had not supported him, that I couldn't iron well, that I am uncaring etc. This is the same man who thanked me for helping to upgrade his career and get his last two jobs including the current one. By the way, he actually openly compared me to the other person - how much she is better than me.

I cried for 2 months thinking what he said was true. I cried for all the lies, the fact that he sends her messages while we're still under the same roof, that although he goes to church, he hears and learns nothing, that he keeps coming back when he doesn't have a place to stay and goes out again, that he packed up and left and blames me for kicking him out, that he blames me for his low self-esteem, that he tells me to shut up whenever I get upset. I cried because he was so charming for many years that all my friends and family loved him dearly but his charm only existed, when he thought thta he was in love with me. I cried because I had loved him so much and he had suddenly decided that he didn't love me anymore. I cried because I was very much in need of my family but they were too far way and it was not practical for me to run to them. I have very good friends here but having to live in this place, where so much misery took place, depression still caught on hard.

I finally stopped feeling sad when I discovered that the problem was much deeper; that he has a sex addiction problem. It had started way before the affair; I just didn't know about it. He had actually been visiting parlors to get 'jobs' not long after we got married. There were also some serious flirtations behind my back and there were so many women including ex-girlfriends that he remained in touch with, and shared intimate details of sex fantasies with.

We are still under the same roof but the marriage is over. I no longer believe that the relationship is worth saving because he is not ready to change and probably never will be. He is very narcissistic by nature as well and will not believe anything wrong about himself. We just need to live together for financial reasons until the lease on our place is up at which point, we will go separate ways. He has no self control - still messages her from our place, which still bothers me simply because of the level of disrespect he exhibits (he tries to hide and lie about it but not very well). A couple of nights a week, he still sleeps at her place although he tells me that he's over at male friend's. The thing that is insulting is that he keeps spinning the same lies even though he knows they don't work on me anymore.

Sometimes, I am still sad, have breakdowns, when I think of all the shattered dreams of our future together but I think, like you said, it was the illusion of him that I fell in love with. More and more these days, I look forward to the day when I will finally be free from his lies, cheating ways, his addiction and all this dirty madness. It is daunting to start all over when you have been hurt so badly that you can't recognize yourself or your life anymore but I have decided that it is more worth it to be unsure if I will have a good future than to be sure of a future which I know will end up in heartbreak. I am slowly shedding the untrue labels he gave me and coming back to myself.