Vomitting or enemas: which is the better weight-loss tool?

The best way I know to lose weight is to take up pushing. Pushing away from the dinner table.

Why not the lot?

The answer is crack.

One, you get to have fun, smoking the crack. Two, have you ever seen a fat crackhead?

An enema, certainly, it has more class:

THE ILLINOIS ENEMA BANDIT

Frank Zappa



And now folks it's time for Don Pardo To deliver our special Illinois Enema Bandit-type announcement Take it away, Don

"This is a true story
About a famous criminal
From right around Chicago
This is the story of Michael Kenyon
A man who's serving time at this very moment
For the crime of armed robbery

It so happened, that at the time of the robbery
Michael, decided to give his female victims
A little enema
Apparently, there was no law against that
But his name lives on
Michael Kenyon
THE ILLINOIS ENEMA BANDIT!"

The Illinois Enema Bandit
I heard he's on the loose
I heard he's on the loose
Lord, the pitiful screams
Of all them college-educated women...
Boy, he'd just be tyin' 'em up
(They'd be all bound down!)
Just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag
fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice

He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag
fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag
fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice

The Illinois Enema Bandit
I heard it on the news
I heard it on the news
Bloomington Illinois...he has caused some alarm
Just sneakin' around there
From farm to farm
Got a rubberized bag
And a hose on his arm
Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
Lookin' for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump

The Illinois Enema Bandit
One day he'll have to pay
One day he'll have to pay
The police will say, "You're under arrest!"
And the judge would have him for a special guest
The D.A. will order a secret test
And stuff his pudgy little thumbs in the side of his vest
Then they'll put out a call for the jury folks
And the judge would say, "No poo-poo jokes!"
Then they'll drag in the bandit for all to see,
Sayin' "Don't nobody have no sympathy...
HOT SOAP WATER in the FIRST DEGREE!"
And then the bandit might say, "Why is everybody looking' at me?"

WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY?
WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS KINDA MISERY?
WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY?
Now, one girl shout: "Let the Bandit be!"

BANDIT ARE YOU GUILTY?
BANDIT ARE YOU GUILTY? TELL ME NOW, WHAT'S
YOUR PLEA?
Another girl shout: "Let the fiend go free!"
ARE YOU GUILTY? BANDIT, DID YOU DO THESE DEEDS?
The Bandit say, "It must be just what they all needs..."
"It must be just what they all needs..."
"It must be just what they all needs..."
"It must be just what they all needs..."
"It must be just what they all needs..."
"It must be just what they all needs..."
etc. repeat

Wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna enema
Enema
repeat...

Aah, I can't believe I forgot to include that one. Of course crack is a great option!!!

Prostate milking is worth an ounce or two.

Lyposuction

a good steam while wrapped in saran wrap

Wow, interesting ideas. Maybe a little bit of each of them would be a healthy approach, like Patiodog suggested. A steam in the morning wrapped in saran wrap while having your prostate milked, followed by much crack-smoking and a couple enemas. After vomitting up lunch and dinner, another prostate milking and then off to bed. If subject wakes up and has not lost at least ten pounds after all that, the lopping off a hand or a foot is in order.

Of course, I left out lyposuction as I think that is way too drastic.

You really need to combine more than one strategy. I suggest reducing or eliminating any intake while performing some strenuous activity. Both are easy to achieve.

First, go to Duane Reade (a drug store) and buy a large tube of Dental Gel, some sterile thread and number three surgical needle. Schmooie a large blob of the Dental Gel onto her lips, wait about eight minutes for the anesthetic to kick in, then use three spaced stitches to sew her mouth shut. Make sure there is enough room to get a straw between her lips so that she doesn't get dehydrated.

(Oh, and save some of that dental gel, you'll need it.)

Okay, once the stitches are done and she gets over the fact that they hurt like fire, it's time for the strenuous exercise. I recommend she does the Reverse Cowgirl on you for no less then two hours. (Use the gel) Followed by a long hot shower and then a couple more hours of the Reverse Cowgirl but with lots more left and right half twists.

The only problem with this set-up is that it is very difficult to have a clear view of the tv unless you have thought ahead and set up some mirrors.

This workout/lack of intake technique should be good for about five pounds a day for the first ten days.

Joe(Don't thank me.)Nation

Or you could wear boxing gloves, while in the kitchen.

That wouldn't matter to Kicky's kind of woman. I saw his last girlfriend eat an entire bowl of pasta while holding a pool cue in one hand and a beer in the other.

It was the kind of vacuum effect one normally sees in operating rooms.

Joe(Nothing left but a little sauce.)Nation

I vote enema. Not only is it in vogue, but your body actually gets to go through the process of pretty much digesting. The digesting process does take the body some level of energy thus burning calories and I have heard the downside of vomiting is that your body gets screwed up because it doesn't have the opportunity to digest. That way when you start to eat regular again - you can run into problems digesting your food.

Whatever happened to the classics, like laxatives?

last night at my gig I took a really large dose of my favorite concentrated juice colon cleansers. Aguave juice. This morning I let that do it's work and then jerked off. Now I will take some speed and ride my bike a few hours. Tomorrow I'll be at least 3 or 4 pounds lighter.

You really don't need expensive or trendy diets or regimens to keep the weight off. Just use the tried and true practical methods.

To hell with all of that. I'm just going to move to Samoa, where everyone's fat and the sun shines all the time.

I just diet and exercise, which keeps my weight at bay.

I know, I'm insane

I think bi-polar bear's advice sounds the most effective.

I have actually tried wieghing myself before and after a big dump and it made no difference. Or maybe I need more accurate scales.

I've heard colonic irrigation usually results in the loss of a pound or two instantly. Is that the same as an enema?

Get your friend to go out with a tw*t like Pete Doherty.
His girlfriend Kate Moss always looks slim.