Concerned about my wife...

Ai yi yi.

If your disappointment or anger isn't enough to keep her from using coke, why isn't her maternal instinct at least enough?

Yes, this is a red flag, but instead of talking to us, why aren't you talking to her?

In all honesty, did you just so happen to hear (hey, it happens) or were you snooping, listening in on the extension or anything like that? Not that it matters immensely in the grand scheme of things, but it will probably be easier to iron this out if this was information you stumbled upon, versus got through less than savory means.

No one is judging you on yesterday (or at least they shouldn't be doing so). But now there's a child in the picture. What counts is here and now, and if coke is going to be in the here and now, if the cops find out, your daughter won't be in the here and now.

Dawg--

The fact that your wife is hoping for a weekend as a Recycled Party Girl is troubling. For me the calculated deceit in hiding her activities is even more troubling.

In both cases she's acting childishly. Would you say she's an immature woman?

I wouldn't say she's immature by any means, but she still has a little bit of the "party bug" in her. It's so hard for me to hold her head at the end of the night, knowing that I could have said or done something to keep her from going overboard. After so many drinks, she gets into Party Mode and it's on from there. Over our 2 years together, I'm slowly teaching her how to know her limits when it comes to alcohol. But, I have asked her if she would ever dabble in drugs if she had the chance, and she said that it has crossed her mind but she probably wouldn't b/c of our daughter. I explained that I don't ever have the desire for that type of partying anymore...I can have just as much fun having a few beers. But what concerns me is that she was going to go behind my back and do it...which chances are I would be able to tell by her actions anyways. She knows that I'd get pissed off not only b/c we have so much at stake in our lives now, but also that she feels the need to relive those old times. I've also learned through things her friends have said that she had a promiscuous past...which is just that, the past....but I wonder if the drug use has anything to do with her sleeping around. I told her the scary thing about drugs is that it can grab ahold of you at any time....recreational users never intend on becoming hooked. Apparently it has some kind of hold on her if she's willing to go to these lengths to have a good time.

Its a shame she cant grow up and be a mother instead of a teenager.
That said I do think you should let her do it without making a fuss as she may do it more if you protest, as she clearly wants to rebel in some ways.

I've already thought about that....but I can't sit idly by and let this happen. I'll have to catch her in the act. I really don't know how I will handle it if she does. If she has these thoughts and desires, there's nothing I can do to make them go away...she has to handle that on her own. I can't sit here and wonder "what if"...that's no way to enjoy the beautiful marriage we have together.

Dawg--

You seem to think you have a beautiful marriage to a former Party Girl who is a heavy drinker.

Certainly your daughter is beautiful, but are you sure that you and the Party Girl are a good marital fit?

Are you aware that by tolerating her drinking, you may have become an enabler of her drinking?

http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/info2/a/aa052197.htm

Have you every talked with your wife about mutual trust? That you dislike feeling like a jailer?

I am in no way concerned about my wife's drinking. We MIGHT get out once a month, and when we do, we have a few drinks and that's it. She knows when to say when now....she can't party like she used to, nor can I. When I notice that she's feeling a little good, I casually remind her that she's going to overdo it and she cuts back. You can't assume anyone that drinks till they get sick is an alcoholic..especially when it happens very rarely. It just so happens that I've always had that little voice that told me "slow down"....she's learned to listen to it now that she's older.

Dawg--



or:



Which?

Maybe I wasn't clear....she used to go into Party Mode, but has learned how to handle herself.

So, what's the dif between her occasional drinking and wanting to do coke, once, for old times sake?

Dawg--

I'm getting the impression that you have some major worries about your marriage, but you either can't or won't verbalize them beyond vague feelings of discontent.

Your first post--about holding you wife's head--was in the present tense.

Exactly what is bothering you? Your wife's behavior? Your wife being willing to go behind your back to party hearty?

Exactly what is bothering you?

Ok, like I said, it's been quite some time since I had to stay up with her while she was hungover. I highly doubt that there are many folks out there who haven't gone over the edge a few times in their lives. But, what concerns me is the fact that she was willing to go behind my back, knowing how I felt about the whole situation. I can't bring the issue to light until I catch her in the act, so there's no sense in worrying about it. I think I came up with my own answer....

Dawg--



If you honestly overheard her telephone conversation, you should be able to talk with her about your concerns.

If you were eavesdropping.... Well, a productive conversation might not be possible.

As I said in an earlier post, I'm worried about her apparent intention of going behind your back. This is still worrisome.

Twice you've used the phrase "catch her in the act". This is also worrisome.

Solid marriages are built on trust, not on Cat & Mouse, Hide & Seek, Party Girl & Authority Figure games.

I wish you both the best of luck.

I don't understand how someone can teach another person not to overdo it.

Are you sure she's learning her own limits, or just stopping when you tell her to?

She's still remembering her party days with the coke. That bothers me.

Dawg--

I personally see you story or shall i say your wife's personality in the following way:
She likes to have fun and she's sometimes marginal in it, but that's her personality, her way of life. I can understand her, i sometimes have similar ideas as well - about alcohol, drugs and wishing to throw yourself into something completely out of control.
Another thing that i know about her is that she loves you insomuch that she got married to you and has a child with you.
Let's say those are her values and consciously or not she wants both of them to be present in her life. Apparently her relationship with you has been giving her enough of fun so that she could put aside her thoughts of other types of 'fun' up to today's moment.
Now, what you should be concerned about is not the moral teachings and questioning her righteousness, but rather try to bring back the fun the she's started lacking in your family life.

you need to talk to her and tell her that you not like he taking drugs again. now, you have a daughter so she needs to spend most of her time with her.

Two of the wives in my extended family tried coke. As a result, one of them disappeared and was never heard from again. Presumably she died. The other lost her children, her husband, and then fell out of a 3rd story window and almost died, breaking her back. If you don't make this a big deal, it may well become one.

It sounds harsh, but there is only one thing you can do with drunks and addicts ..... LEAVE, immediately and stay gone. Hanging on just prolongs everyone's suffering. In the case of marriage, a divorce is necessary, not optional. The courts will give you custody rather than leave a child with an alcoholic or addicted parent. Once you're out from under, move and don't leave any trail of bread crumbs behind you.

But she's not an addict yet -- not physically -- which means she still has control over her own decisions and can be talked out of becoming one, for the sake of her child and family together. If she does start taking Coke, then you have no choice but to leave her sooner or later.