Feeling like spouse is not emotionally available out of blue

Follow your intuition.

AziMythe, simple and great advice. My intuition says her thoughts are with someone else.

One thing that makes our marriage possibly unhealthy is that we spend a lot of time with each other and not so much apart with friends. To be an optimist, maybe someone else is giving her attention i cannot provide which makes her light up? She has mentioned a lot in common with co-workers during this same time.

DestinysDad--

Either your wife is being unfaithful or you are being unreasonably jealous.

You cannot control your wife's actions--whatever they may be. You can't read her mind.

Why don't you arrange to see your counsellor again to discuss your feelings of jealousy, distrust and vulnerability?

Neither partner in a marriage can provide "everything" to the other partner. Perhaps you need some outside interests as well?

Thanks Noddy24. I think you helped me out greatly about 2 years ago during my last marital problem.

You make a great point, and I understand i cannot provide "everything". The problem could be me and that I'm not handling changes very well. I am used to being #1 in her life and its a dificult change.

My wife also mentioned that i need to develop some outside interests and do things that make me happy. My wife happens to be a counselor as well.

I will schedule some time with my counselor and post the comments here in case it helps someone else too. He mentioned 2 years ago that it could take several years to fully trust my wife again, and i think he's correct.

DestinysDad--

Thanks for the kind words.

Like everything in the carbon cycle, marriages either grow or they decay.

The fact that you're willing to grow bodes well.

From reading other threads, and from my gut, i strongly believe my wife has a crush on another man at work. While nothing physical may be happening yet, it would explain a lot. She is exercising more, concerned with appearance, baking desserts and taking them to work, etc.

I know if i approach her with this "accusation", she will not admit to it, and i cant think of any good coming from it either way. Should i say what i think, or just keep quiet for fear of pushing her away.

I really hate feeling this way, and my counselor tells me to not assume anything, and try to control things in my life only.

Your counsellor is wise.

I agree with the only control things in your life advice.

However, the "assume nothing" stance gives temporary relief, but i think it's also a form of "ignorance is bliss". But, i think i'll probably listen since i'm not as rational as those of you posting here, nor my counselor at the moment.

i know it is really hard for you, but always remember that your're not the one who is committing a sin...

one piece of advice, make her feel special, have a date, etc... that way her conscience will play...

I don't see it that way at all. It just means that assumptions can be dangerous.

Say that she's done nothing in the least bit wrong. She's just enjoying her new job, and all the rest of what concerns you stems from that. (I exercised more, was more concerned with my appearance, and brought food to work when I started one new job -- it had nothing to do with any man. It was about being energized by the job and wanting to look "professional.")

Now, what will happen if you assume she has a crush on a man at work and start accusing her of things? She'll be resentful. She won't be able to prove anything. She won't have an answer that satisfies you. She'll get more resentful. You'll pick up on the resentment and feel worse. And it'll just spiral downwards.

At some point, you just have to either trust a person or leave. The limbo of vague, unproven distrust is a really dangerous place to be.

There is no such thing as total trust, there is only degrees of tolerance for the given circumstances.

DestinysDad you need to decide if this circumstance warrants your tolerance!

Sozobe, i agree it can be dangerous, and a downward spiral. It's a quagmire. It clearly affects my behavior, but at the same time, I'm not communicating effectively about what is wrong.

Keeping this to myself is difficult, and ultimately adding to my anxiety of not knowing. However, even though hard, i think i will let this play out and see where things go before my "tolerance" (good word Clumly) is gone. I do know the food is for another man, but they share a cooking passion together. So, as a result, i'll try not to assume anything.

(by the way, you guys are great and should charge hourly )

When I met my wife I told her the single most important thing to the success of a relationship is tolerance. Whether that is true is another matter, but it's a word that might bring some clarity, because unless everything is always perfect, some degree of tolerance is going to be needed.

Some relationships do just fine when one or both couples see other people up to and including sexual relations, and some relationships fall apart at the mere implication of infidelity.

Where does your relationship stand in this regard?

That's a good question Chumly, and perspective I've never thought of.

I am used to my wife treating me like the only thing that matters in the world. While it's nice, I cannot expect that to last forever i suppose. She was very needy, and we spend everyone second together. She is VERY involved in every aspect of my life usually.

Now that things have changed, i feel the tables have turned on me suddently. Since it's all new, i guess I'm still defining my tolerance. My tolerance level is that any action that does not respect me is not tolerated. Obviously, i will never know all her actions, so work on good faith normally even though she abused that once before.

For what it's worth, many people will tell you that it is not healthy to have a relationship where one or both people act like the other is "the only thing that matters in the world" and it's not healthy to have a relationship where one or both people are "very needy".

While I am not going to get into whether this is always true or not, I can tell you that this type of relationship will have its own set of challenges!

Heck even the most stable of relationships can be a challenge, let alone a relationship that is more demanding such as yours appears to be.

It is worth it?

I confronted my wife as Sozobe told me NOT to do, and talk about downward spiral.

She denied interest, then later said it's normal to be intrigued by colleagues with similar interests (cooking in this case) and sometimes they may be attractive. This colleage is married with a new born, and I do not think anything is going on yet, but if they start with cooking classes together in evenings, and attending conferences together out of town, who knows!

Chumly, it's getting close to not being worth it. As most people in this type of relationship, the after life is unimaginable, but I'm trying to prepare. Getting out seems like the easy route, but i feel like i've worked through 10 years of anxiety in my 3rd year of marriage.

DestinysDad, sorry to hear about this recent revelation. I expect most people on this forum will tell you to start running for the hills. However, I think you should keep hanging in there. Your wife does have a point, that she is allowed to have good male friends with similar interests, and this guy is married. Your wife doesn't have to stay "VERY involved" with your life forever...but having found a new friend doesn't mean you're not still #1 to her. So my suggestion to you is to wait things out for a while, try to take it easy and stop worrying, hang out with some of your own friends more. Perhaps seeing your anxiety level go down will rekindle the interest from your wife, too.

I did go see a counselor again, and his advice was interesting. He there is no hard proof of another emotional affair, I should not continue with the catastrophic thinking.

Rather, he gave me homework ... which is to look at girls in public. Interesting idea, and i believe the intent is to realize there are other women and not to put all my eggs in one basket. It's a bit unorthodox advice of a married man, but he also suggested the spouse and I do the same exercise somewhere and look and both male/females we find attractive. It helps provide comfort in very small doses.

So far, Im still struggling with anxiety, but will see if the assignment helps. My wife is a realist and tells me men will continue to be interested in her throughout our marriage. It's not what i need to hear, but i must learn to accept it, or not.

Dear Destyny'sdad,

Is your therapist trying to help or hurt the relationship. True, stop living in your head and imagining the worst. But, to get better by lusting after others? I don't know. Sounds weird to me.

The best thing that might work is praying for and with your wife. Maybe she is just enjoying or engrossed in her new job. However, you made an interesting statement way back, something like, "she shifted her attention from being on me totally, to being on her job totally..." Does this mean she was obsessed and you miss that? Maybe she is trying to find balance. I can see that you have reason to mistrust; just keep your eyes open and your head clear. Things will be revealed or resolved.

Best to you.