Newly married

Oh man, this would not fly with me! Ask permission! What the h*ll are you a child? You are his partner, an equal just remember that - it has nothing to do with being independent! I can't imagine that you really are independent, because I am and if my hubby would say to me that I needed to ask person - he would get an a$$ whipping (not literally of course).

No adult likes to be told what to do, when to do it and who with. I would sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him. Like Bohne says it makes sense to discuss if you are going out with friends or not going to be home when you normally are - so you can plan and out of respect for the other person. Maybe there is some control and also some concern about where you are when rather than just wanted to allow you. Explain that you will discuss ahead of time when and how long you are going out with friends. This is not asking permission, it is being respectful of your partner - so he wouldn't worry if you don't show up at home until 11:00 at night or if he needs to get a hold of you or if he was planning a surprise dinner for you. And ask him to do the same.

You are going to school now - so I do not understand what you mean by opportunities and being in the same place since being together. I would think that you would want to be in the same place so you can complete your education. After that, I would imagine there would be changes. How have you discussed the future? Are you discussing moving? Are you discussing buying a home? Are you discussing children? I can understand some things may be up in the air, but I suppose it would depend what and is it simply timing or a difference in opinion. For example having children - there is a big difference between not wanting to have children and waiting a few years.

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Did you live together before you got married?

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saramaye01 wrote:

Thankfully he never has nor do i forsee him ever hitting me. so i'm not scared He stated that now that were married i should be asking him to so stuff and i'm just not that type of person.

thanks to all for your imput.

This is the beginning of an abusive relationship.

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Saramaye--

You have every right to be concerned, not only because your husband has decided that he is your Lord & Master but that he doesn't want to talk with you and to make plans for your future together.

Is your husband open to the idea of counseling?

I'm not going to advise you to file for divorce tomorrow, but I do think you want to take a long look at your situation and if necessary, cut your losses.

Good luck.

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Bella Dea wrote:

saramaye01 wrote:
Thankfully he never has nor do i forsee him ever hitting me. so i'm not scared He stated that now that were married i should be asking him to so stuff and i'm just not that type of person.

thanks to all for your imput.

This is the beginning of an abusive relationship.

I don't think you know enough about the situation to determine that

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stuh505 wrote:

Bella Dea wrote:
saramaye01 wrote:
Thankfully he never has nor do i forsee him ever hitting me. so i'm not scared He stated that now that were married i should be asking him to so stuff and i'm just not that type of person.

thanks to all for your imput.

This is the beginning of an abusive relationship.

I don't think you know enough about the situation to determine that

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

Abusive relationships start with the partner issuing authority over the other. Starts with questioning and requests for detailed information on where they are going. Then, it progresses to posessivness over what the other person wears, says or who she sees. You can't see so and so because you always get in trouble with her. Following this are the insults and put downs to make the other feel like they aren't worth spit and to get them to comply because "no one else loves me".

From there it can progress to physical abuse.

An abusive relationship does not have to be physical to be abusive.

Any relationship that begins with one partner issuing authority over the other is never a good sign.

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And talking to your spouse prior to doing something is different than asking permission.

Saying, hey is it ok if I go here....because you want to make sure you haven't forgotten plans or if there is a money situation is also different.

Quote:

Lately he's been telling me when i can hang out with my friends and ask permission to do things.

NOT NORMAL.

There is no trust in this relationship. He outright obviously does not trust her.

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Bella Dea wrote:

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

Abusive relationships start with the partner issuing authority over the other. Starts with questioning and requests for detailed information on where they are going. Then, it progresses to posessivness over what the other person wears, says or who she sees. You can't see so and so because you always get in trouble with her. Following this are the insults and put downs to make the other feel like they aren't worth spit and to get them to comply because "no one else loves me".

From there it can progress to physical abuse.

An abusive relationship does not have to be physical to be abusive.

Any relationship that begins with one partner issuing authority over the other is never a good sign.

I was thinking she may have exaggerating the authority thing or perhaps was misunderstanding it. For example, say she went out with her friends, didn't say anything to him and came home at midnight (normally being home at 7:00 from work). He may even have said she needed to ask him first, but meant it would be nice to know where you are so I wouldn't be worried. It could have come out wrong from him especially if he was so worried that he became angry.

I was trying to give the benefit of the doubt and see if they could discuss reasonably first. If that didn't work and he insisted she "ask permission" then I would be concerned.

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If she is exaggerating, she needs to say so. (and i hope she is)

If not, she needs to be aware.

A lot of guys don't start out abusive and it sneaks up on you til suddenly every night you wonder if tomorrow will ever come.

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For now, I agree that there isn't enough info. Could go a few ways. I'm not really impressed by how slowly the info we do have came out, and I wouldn't be terribly surprised if there is more important info that we don't have yet.

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I agree - I tend to think the best of people (until they show me otherwise) - just my nature.

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Linkat wrote:

I agree - I tend to think the best of people (until they show me otherwise) - just my nature.

You're such a sweetie. :wink: I, on the other hand, trust no one.

Well, very few.

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Yeah - but once you cross me, it takes forever or never to get me to trust you again.

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Bella,

1) People don't usually say when they are being partial, exaggerating, or leaving out related details. Your assumption that everything she says is impartial, not exaggerated, and includes all the relevant details, and is the same story that her husband would tell, is not a reasonable assumption.

2) I have not been in that kind of abusive relationship myself, but I do think your description of how an abusive relationship would start is accurate.

However, A implies B does not mean that B implies A.

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Yeah, sure need more info.

As it is, I get the impression of a woman who is feeling rebellious to her own hubby already.
Like, this is a fight buddy - you against me.
Either you win or I win: but we both can't win.

Lots of reasons that may be.

How did you two prepare for marriage? Or was the focus on the wedding, the honeymoon, the dreaming and sappy-lovey-dovey-stuff? (Nothing wrong with that, but, yeah, me at 27, it is starting to sink in that marriage is a LIFE LONG JOURNEY).

If you are fiercely independent and wanting to go out adventuring, how could he have not known this and the two of you not planned accordingly?
Blind sighted or thinking marriage would change ...what, exactly?

Curious how. And might give you some answers?

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It's those damned homosexuals!!! Another marriage - destroyed.

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stuh505 wrote:

However, A implies B does not mean that B implies A.

Of course not. Nothing is for certain. She might be making the whole thing up. He might be a monster. He might be a saint.

But when I first read this thread, that was my first impression. And that doesn't happen on every thread I read about relationships that suck.

I seriously believe that one thing leads to another and someone who is this agressivly posessive now will only get worse.

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Bella Dea :

IMHO, ... a reasonable assumption.

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Shoulda, coulda, woulda - sounds like they needed pre-marital counselling. Some people change when they get married, as it seems her husband did. If he wasn't bossy or controlling before, he seems to be now.

Saramaye, if you really do love him and want to stay married, you need to nip this in the bud right now. I'm with Noddy on this one - I don't generally advocate counselling, but a marriage counsellor would help you both straighten this out. Marriage is a partnership, as you probably already think, but your husband needs to see it that way, too. Maybe he's emulating his own parents?

Keep us posted, and good luck.

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i'm just curious what kind of hanging with friends is in question? is it a coffee in a cafe around the corner? or is it a night out?

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