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Thu 19 Apr, 2007 06:55 pm
I just got married this past december and now i'm not sure if this is where i want to be and i'm questioning is this is the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. Are these feeling normal?
No.
Why did you get married?
I got married because i love him, amd i do see myself growing old with him, but i'm just not sure if its right now
I'm sorry but I don't get it.
You love him. You want to grow old with him.
But not right now?
Do you want to break up with him and hope he pines for you for a few years until you decide the time is right?
Really. I'm curious.
I feel like theres much more that i want to do with my life and he's not on the same page as me. I don't want to break up with him
I guess I need to give the experts a chance because you don't make much sense.
You said:
Quote:I'm questioning is this is the person i want to spend the rest of my life with
And:
Quote:I got married because i love him, amd i do see myself growing old with him
And:
Quote:I feel like theres much more that i want to do with my life and he's not on the same page as me
And:
Quote:I don't want to break up with him
So. Which is it? You don't want to break up with him, you love him, and you want to grow old with him or there are other things you want to do with your life and you don't know whether you want to spend your life with him?
Boomer, you're getting as testy as me.... brava!
We don't know enough here to really answer, Saramaye. (I'm not an expert but I post often to make up for it.)
I'm sure you want privacy, but if you can tell us a bit about where you are and your situation, what you want to do, it could help us frame answers.
As a short answer, I'm sure some marriages that make it start out a bit rocky, and I'm more sure that rocky early on is something to pay attention to.
It is very common that people mistake infatuation for love for life and only later get to know who they pinned all these hopes on.
And, in normal relationships, people do also go through phases, over, say, years, decades.
A few months? Looks like you're getting to know him. Why did you marry him, without a good start on the knowing? This is why I ask where you are from, as different cultures have different modes.
I'll cop to being a bit testy today.
And I usually don't even venture into the relationship forum.
But c'mon. Married for six months and loving him, don't want to leave him, I've made a mistake and I want a new page......
These are not normal feelings for someone six months into a marriage. She should still be all honeymoonish.
Re: Newly married
saramaye01 wrote:I just got married this past december and now i'm not sure if this is where i want to be and i'm questioning is this is the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. Are these feeling normal?
My answer in 2 words: Grow Up
When you get married you have to stop thinking about ONLY yourself.
Pay attention to your inner voice..and then allow those doubts to pass. Mature people dig in ...deeply.
Learn what it means to love and give more than you ever thought you could and hope that he doesn't dump you like you were going to dump him.
I'm from North Carolina
I think some of the reason I have some of these feeling and i'm such an independent person and i don't like being told what to do, when to do it or who to do it with. Lately he's been telling me when i can hang out with my friends and ask permission to do things. I about to graduate nursing school and there are so many opprotunites for me and i feel like we are in the same place we have been in since we have been together (dated for 4 years before marring). I just feel we should be moving forward with our life since we got married but nothing seemed to have changed. Anytime i want to talk about our future his response is "i don't know"
I'm not thinking about just me i'm thinking about both of us, and i seem to be the only one doing so
I admit not getting Ragman on this particular situation.
I do think I get Saramaye.
Sorry to cut to the chase, but here I go, use birth control. (Not to presume what you are doing one way or another.)
It sounds like you found a seeming romantic, who is controlling. Lot of flags with that.
We'll give you some links, as controlling is serious business.
In the meantime, believe in yourself.
First, make it through nursing school.
Then, you may stay or you may go, but you'll have the creds to go.
Your husband insists that you ask him permission to see your friends?
Did I understand this right?
You did not give up yourself when getting married and you don't have
to ask permission for anything, neither does your husband for that matter.
You don't own each other!
First, make it through nursing school.
Then, you may stay or you may go, but you'll have the respected credentials to zip around the world.
That is, assuming this is all not out of control, which of course we don't know. If you feel in danger, leave.
I take it that it all doesn't seem that threatening, just constraining, right now.
I don't know enough, just mulling here -
That's a slippery slope, the constraining.
Me, older now, I'd be going.
If things exacerbate between now and the end of nursing school, don't hesitate to leave. There are help folks available.
To stay in the marriage and have him be less controlling, good luck, that would be a long walk. I won't say it can't be done. My own take is that some will never get not being controlling, and that some others are just doing DAD, head of family. Lot of religious basis for that, silliness.
But, we don't know your spouse and his capacities. Doesn't sound good so far.
Thankfully he never has nor do i forsee him ever hitting me. so i'm not scared He stated that now that were married i should be asking him to so stuff and i'm just not that type of person.
thanks to all for your imput.
saramaye01 wrote:Thankfully he never has nor do i forsee him ever hitting me. so i'm not scared He stated that now that were married i should be asking him to so stuff and i'm just not that type of person.
thanks to all for your imput.
A red flag just went up. This makes me very uncomfortable. You are not obliged to ask his permission for anything you do.
Have you discussed this with him? I think you should. He appears to have some less than enlightened views of roles in a marriage. It also wouldn't hurt to tell him how his views are making you feel.
Quote:I about to graduate nursing school and there are so many opprotunites for me and i feel like we are in the same place we have been in since we have been together (dated for 4 years before marring). I just feel we should be moving forward with our life since we got married but nothing seemed to have changed.
What do you wish would happen in the future? If you're still in school than that kind of restricts your options. I also wonder if you were slightly unhappy before and thinking that, as soon as you got married,
everything would change.
[quote="saramaye01"]He stated that now that were married i should be asking him to so stuff and i'm just not that type of person.[/quote]
I discuss with my husband when I want to go out, I ususally even tell him who I am going out with and what we are planning on doing.
But that's simply so we can syncronise our schedules, and can figure out who's taking care of the baby.
I DO NOT ASK HIS PERMISSION TO DO ANYTHING!!!
Nor does he for that matter.
This is how we are happy!
Other people might have other ways of being happy.
However, obviously you are not happy with the rules your husband wants to surround you with!
Does he ask permission to do things?
If so, I suppose he's simply brought up differently, and has different ideas as to what a marriage means to you as an individual.
If not, he also has very different ideas, but in this case I think he needs to be shown a calender, and must realise, it says 2007 and not 1807!
Is he American?
Sounds a little like he might be from a different culture.
In which case you might have to dig deep into the roots of his understandings.
Actually, this are things you should have figured out before you got married!
Funny to think this problem never came up in four years of dating!
How old are you, by the way, and how old is he?
Quote:
I discuss with my husband when I want to go out, I ususally even tell him who I am going out with and what we are planning on doing.
But that's simply so we can syncronise our schedules, and can figure out who's taking care of the baby.
I DO NOT ASK HIS PERMISSION TO DO ANYTHING!!!
Nor does he for that matter.
This is how we are happy!
Other people might have other ways of being happy.
However, obviously you are not happy with the rules your husband wants to surround you with!
Does he ask permission to do things?
If so, I suppose he's simply brought up differently, and has different ideas as to what a marriage means to you as an individual.
If not, he also has very different ideas, but in this case I think he needs to be shown a calender, and must realise, it says 2007 and not 1807!
Is he American?
Sounds a little like he might be from a different culture.
In which case you might have to dig deep into the roots of his understandings.
Actually, this are things you should have figured out before you got married!
Funny to think this problem never came up in four years of dating!
How old are you, by the way, and how old is he?
He discusses with me different things, but he doesn't have to ask me for permission. he is an american. I am 25 and he is also 25
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