8 year olds - having crushes and keeping secrets

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My 8 year old said to me, "Mom will you keep a secret even from daddy?" I said "I'll tell you what if it isn't harmful. And if it is something I should tell daddy I'll let you know first." She agreed and proceeded to tell me she had a crush on this boy. Fortunately at least he is a very smart boy and not a trouble maker.

So I have two questions - how to best deal with these crushes and to be kept in the loop on these types of experiences? Now crushes are innocent, but in the future? I rather want her to keep feeling comfortable telling me things so I can give her good solid advice when "crushes" become more serious.

Also, is it o-k to keep this secret from hubby? I don't keep things secret (except for surprises) and it is something I want to share with him. However, my daughter feels more comfortable opening up to me in these sorts of situations. I'm afraid if I share this "secret" with him and she finds out she will not trust me (and rightfully so). I also don't consider this anything of great consequence and my husband already knows they are close friends.

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I think you can probably keep it a secret. Or tell him if it comes up, in a "but don't tell her I told you..!" kind of way.

Sozlet has had a crush on a boy in her class since the beginning of the year and its making me batty. She's had a best friend who was a boy before, I don't know why she insists on this crush business. She sends him love notes, the whole nine yards. He's minimally fine with it, but kind of confused. He likes her a lot as a friend, but "not THAT way."

I asked her what she thinks it means, it seems to be some variation of "best friends." She's calmed down a bit but it was really hard not to be disapproving. ("Boys and girls can be FRIENDS, you know!" "Yes, I KNOW, mom, but he's just so CUTE..." Argh.)

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I'd encourage her to bring it up with her dad, unless you think he'd go ballistic.

She ought to be able to come to both of you with troubles.

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That's sweet. My daughter was actually trying to keep it a secret from him. They play almost every day after school and are very good friends. One day she told another girl her secret and that girl immediately went and told the boy. Of course my daughter was embarassed. He really hasn't said anything about it, but go about their friend stuff as usual.

After she told me her secret, I told her I could understand why she would have a crush on him - he is smart, a nice boy and cute.

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DrewDad wrote:

I'd encourage her to bring it up with her dad, unless you think he'd go ballistic.

She ought to be able to come to both of you with troubles.

I would suggest to her that she talk with both of you about this, but if she is reluctant, I would respect her wishes. If you force her to do something with which she is uncomfortable, she's liable to close down to you too.

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DrewDad wrote:

I'd encourage her to bring it up with her dad, unless you think he'd go ballistic.

She ought to be able to come to both of you with troubles.

That might be a good tactic. I don't think he would go ballistic in this case - my hubby likes this boy too and frequently plays with them when he picks her up after school.

She may hestitate because my hubby is more likely to react first and if it were a situation that gets him angry watch out. I tend to think it through and listen first to understand their viewpoint before going ballistic.

Now if it were C, he would probably go ballistic.

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With sozlet, when I've promised -- this has come up a few times -- she just went ahead and told E.G. on her own a bit later, anyway.

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Phoenix32890 wrote:

DrewDad wrote:
I'd encourage her to bring it up with her dad, unless you think he'd go ballistic.

She ought to be able to come to both of you with troubles.

I would suggest to her that she talk with both of you about this, but if she is reluctant, I would respect her wishes. If you force her to do something with which she is uncomfortable, she's liable to close down to you too.

That's what I am afraid of. She did seem to think it was reasonable though that if I felt this was something her dad should know about, that I would tell her first.

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sozobe wrote:

With sozlet, when I've promised -- this has come up a few times -- she just went ahead and told E.G. on her own a bit later, anyway.

I think that you are very wise. Sometimes, little girls are more comfortable sharing intimate feelings with their mothers, than their fathers. I think that you did absolutely the right thing. She knows now that you can be trusted, and when she was ready, she told your husband anyhow.

When I was little, I could not imagine telling my father my very personal feelings.

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sozobe wrote:

Sozlet has had a crush on a boy in her class since the beginning of the year and its making me batty. She's had a best friend who was a boy before, I don't know why she insists on this crush business. [..]

She's calmed down a bit but it was really hard not to be disapproving. ("Boys and girls can be FRIENDS, you know!" "Yes, I KNOW, mom, but he's just so CUTE..." Argh.)

Ha! This made me grin.

And this time, not so much because of Sozlet, but because of you. "I don't know why she insists on this crush business"? Boy, are you in for a long ride the next fifteen years! Razz

I mean, it could be that, you know - of course boys and girls can also just be friends - but sometimes, he's just not just a friend ... he's CUTE! Laughing

Hey, what can you say. I was "on" my classmate Paulien for years in primary school.. from when I was 8 or 9 till I left school at 12.. 's gonna happen Smile

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Norman- He had blonde hair, blue eyes, and was absolutely brilliant. I was madly in love with him. And we both were in the 1st grade!

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Hmm.. and I just remembered that I was "on" my classmate Paulien for three years, except for about half a year in between, when I was 'on' this Korean girl. Called.. Hiyan, is how you pronounced it. :wink:

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She's SIX though! Laughing

I know, I know, I've got to deal. I think I've mentioned before that at my 10-yr high school reunion I discovered that a kindergarten classmate (who I also went to HS with) vividly remembered a kiss we evidently shared, under a table, when we were both in kindergarten. He was shocked (and a little upset) that I didn't remember. We were probably 6 at the time, too.

(Sozlet's thank-you note to this boy, who came to her birthday party, was signed, "LOVE sozlet" with the word "litrally" added, with an arrow pointing from it to the word "love." OY.)

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You too, Phonenix?

Fine, it's a crush. (Heavy sigh.) At least he's a total sweetheart.

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My younger son had a crush on a cute little girl named Lori from pre-school though high school although they never were more than just friends. Funny thing is that they met again now that they are both 30. His opinion of her now? "She's boring."

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aawwww, these crushes are cute. My daughter has had them off and on
since first grade, but now that she's 11, she seems to think, the boys in her class are all "way too childish for her". So there you go!

Enjoy Linkat, it is great when your daughter shares
these feelings with you. I'd keep it to myself, as mothers/daughters
share a special bond that fathers can't relate to, and vice versa with
fathers/sons. It's really no harm done, if your husband is not involved
in every emotion your daughter has - in fact it will get more secretive
once she becomes a pre-teen and teen.

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Geoffrey B. for me. There are photos somewhere.
I used to walk him home from kindergarten.
He gave me a yellow plastic jewelry set for my 6th birthday.
It was lurve.

~~~~

Then there were Sue C. and Ken S. Sue was mad for Ken. She really wanted to kiss Ken. Ken could outrun Sue, but he couldn't outrun me. I caught him. She kissed him.

Just over 20 years later they got married. 25 years after that they're still married.

It was Grade 1.

~~~~

You just never know.

~~~~

Sometimes it's a crush.
Sometimes it's love.

Sometimes you have to be able to tell a parent a Special Secret - and it has to stay a Special Secret between the two of you. Trust and all that.

Best if this sort of thing can be shared as well with one parent as with the other, but love is tricky - at 4 and 40 and 80.

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I do love the fact that she confines in me and want to keep that as much as possible.

Funny the chasing kissing stuff.

When I was in 2nd grade G would want to kiss me - I wanted nothing to do with it. Because of some medical problems he couldn't run fast. He used to get K to chase, catch and hold me so he could kiss me. Then it was a love triangle (that I didn't want to be involved with) - my cousin had a crush on G so she was mad at me - I wanted nothing to do with the whole bunch of it - I had a crush on L.

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sozobe wrote:

You too, Phonenix?

Fine, it's a crush. (Heavy sigh.) At least he's a total sweetheart.

Yeah, and I was six, too. I can remember my feelings for him like it was today. I don't think that I ever told my parents about it.

The next serious crush was Michael, in the sixth grade. All the girls were nuts for him, and we would talk about how "cute" he was, and giggle like crazy.

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Aww, all of these stories are adorable.

The "litrally" love card. Ebeth chasing the boy so her friend could kiss him. The yellow plastic jewelry set.

Hey - my nephew has just turned four. He's just started going to kindergarten the other day. About half a year ago - so that was when they were both three - he was all miffed. Because his bestest friend, a boy as active and rowdy as him, had an admirer. A girl who always followed him around and wanted to play with him (and only him) and give him kisses and stuff. My nephew didnt like that none - no fun! Now he's always with her!

Three, they were Razz

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8 year olds - having crushes and keeping secrets

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