Reply
Mon 26 Mar, 2007 10:19 pm
I know some of you were wondering what happend to me and what became of the advice I took from you. I believe the last time I posted about my marriage I mentioned that I was waiting until May so that I would have my degree and go get myself a job and move out.
Here is what has happend since the last time I wrote. We haven't had sex this entire year nor can I remember the last time we did have it last year. Most of you already know how I have been treated in this marriage and though you are mad at how I have been treated by him, you are madder that I am still with him. Over the past few months my husband has suddenly tried to get back into religion to try and find himself again. Once he tried that out he decided he wanted to be a better person. It was litterally like over night that he became a "nicer" person and it was a little hard for me to trust that this just wasn't yet another one of his manipulation games.
As of now our marriage is the worst it has ever been because he tells me he is a completely changed person and tries to show it by showing more affection towards me. I show some back but I am still very skeptical about this "new" person he says he is. The problem is is that what he really wants as his "reward" for being a better person is the entire package. I am not willing to go as far as having sex with him because I need to feel like he loves me no matter what happends. But one day he says he loves me and if he doesn't get what he wants all of the sudden he doesn't love me anymore. I don't agree that love can so easily be turned off, love should be eternal in a marriage. He should be happy of what he has right in front of him but he never is. The only way he will be happy is if I have sex with him. If I give him an inch (such as kissing back), he immediatly wants to take a mile (by grabbing my private parts and wanting sex right then and there). And if I don't agree to going all the way, suddenly that Mr. Jekyll is now Mr. Hyde.
I tried so hard to just make him go slow but since he just can't seem to be paitent enough to stay at my pace I haven't even bothered trying to show any affection because I know it will just turn into a blow out fight about how he wants sex and wont accept anything else.
All we do is fight about sex and I am so sick of it. Now it is at the point where he tells me that it is me who is not being a good wife since he pays the bills and I don't give him sex for it. Everything is suddenly a fight for some reason with him. If I clean the house nothing is said, but if he feels like cleaning the house just once, suddenly he's the only one who ever does anything around here and I just sit on my ass. If I cook nothing is ever said of it but if he cooks just once, suddenly he is the only one that cooks and cares for this family. Then he goes off and tells my friends that I don't give him sex, I don't cook, and I don't clean. What the hell does that make me look like?
He came to me with that book, the proper feeding of husbands, or some crap like that. He told me if I didn't read it we should get a divorce. It's just one thing after another with him. He is still not taking any responsibility for his actions and now he is telling me I don't deserve him nor do I deserve to live in this house. He also is telling me I should be the one leaving because I don't contribute to the family since I don't give him sex and he is the one making money right now (which is only so that I can get school over with faster and then when I get my degree we will switch so I will be the one with the high paying job and he can concentrate on school). His parents tell me to leave him because they love me, his siblings tell me to leave him because they love me, but all think I still need to wait until I get my degree and tell me to put up with him just a little bit longer.
So that is what has been up with me. Somebody just shoot me right now and put me out of my misery.
Oh, just stop it, you've been waiting for quite a while. You will eventually get your degree, but months and years are going by while you deal with the guy in order to last him out in some kind of cataclysmic hairball of aggressiveness and passive aggressiveness.
Go to a shelter already. I probably told you that two years ago.
There is a word for women who accept loveless situations for the sake of material benefits.
A drama queen is one who's every waking moment is not only dedicated to drama but also is one of those people that always seem to find themselves is the worst situation possible. I know this because I have had many friends like this, but I am not one of these people. I don't seek out the drama nor does it always seem to find me. I do not go looking for drama nor do I find myself as one whos life is consumed by it. The only drama I ever find in my life is in my marriage, every other aspect of me is filled with happiness. I love my life, I love my family, I love my friends, I love how I am still able to think myself lucky that I do have the things that I do and I am not living out on the streets like some of my friends. I am outgoing and optimistic and that is why I believe I am still in this marriage. I have always been the paitent one who believes that if I wait long enough the good will come. I don't cry myself to sleep or blame everyone else for my problems, and I am most definatly not staying because I love being hurt because I don't.
If you truly knew me you would see that my life is all about trying to find the happiness in every situation. Believe me, I have tried to find happiness in this marriage but it never works out in the end. You might think me stupid for having stayed so long but the truth is, I'm just a little girl. I got married to the first guy who ever said hi to me at 21 and i'm now 23, about to be 24. I haven't lived long enough to understand what I am supposed to be doing because this is all I have ever known. My father doesn't treat my mother very well at all and that is the only example of how a marraige should be that I have ever known. My father used to hit me for things I didn't do. He screamed at my mother all the time and praised my brother for the wrongs he had done. In my adolecence I was ignored to the point where I thought they had forgotten that they ever had another child. This might sound sad or dramatic to everyone else but is all that I know. Im not saying I am happy in this marriage and that is why I have stayed, I am saying that through all the bad things that have happend to me at least I still have myself.
Have you considered therapy?
(I'm not talking about couples therapy, but just for you)
caribou wrote:Have you considered therapy?
(I'm not talking about couples therapy, but just for you)
Yes actually. I have been in it once before but not for what you think. I saved a friends life once and it was quite tramatic for me so my friends urged me to see the school therapist. What I really need is someone to talk to. Fortunatly I am able to see the things in my life that truly touble me and talk myself through it. I am able to see what is effecting me and why, just like how I mentioned that my troubled marriage is more than likely due to being in an abusive relationship because my parents are in one and that is all I know.
kitkat_bar wrote:caribou wrote:Have you considered therapy?
(I'm not talking about couples therapy, but just for you)
Yes actually. I have been in it once before but not for what you think. I saved a friends life once and it was quite tramatic for me so my friends urged me to see the school therapist. What I really need is someone to talk to. Fortunatly I am able to see the things in my life that truly touble me and talk myself through it. I am able to see what is effecting me and why, just like how I mentioned that my troubled marriage is more than likely due to being in an abusive relationship because my parents are in one and that is all I know.
I agree with caribou, seek professional help. I do not think you know yourself and you are looking to blame others for your own inability to take control of your life. You prefer excuses to solutions.It seems in your posts that everyone is the problem except you, but if you read between the lines in becomes obvious that you are the catalyst for your own misery. You do live with an abusive stranger, but that person is you.
Re: An update for those who know me...
kitkat_bar wrote:Then he goes off and tells my friends that I don't give him sex, I don't cook, and I don't clean. What the hell does that make me look like?
You, without the facade.
Noddy24 wrote:There is a word for women who accept loveless situations for the sake of material benefits.
And it's not Drama QueenÂ…
Green Witch wrote:You do live with an abusive stranger, but that person is you.
This looks pretty spot on. Seek helpÂ… or at least take a long hard look in the mirror and stop pretending what you're not. Then decide if you like it. Then change it if you're sane.
Kitkat--
Quote:Fortunatly I am able to see the things in my life that truly touble me and talk myself through it. I am able to see what is effecting me and why, just like how I mentioned that my troubled marriage is more than likely due to being in an abusive relationship because my parents are in one and that is all I know.
Insights are all very well
providing that you use those insights to change your life. Otherwise you're doomed to daily, weekly, monthly and yearly reruns of
The Perils and Problems of Mistreated Kitkat without every becoming the person you could be.
Re: An update for those who know me...
OCCOM BILL wrote:kitkat_bar wrote:Then he goes off and tells my friends that I don't give him sex, I don't cook, and I don't clean. What the hell does that make me look like?
You, without the facade.
snort...that's a good'un bill.
Green Witch wrote:You do live with an abusive stranger, but that person is you.
Can you clear this up for me, are you saying that I am abusing myself or that I am abusing him?
It's you babe, you're self-destructive!
I'm positive I expressed a wish that you reread all your posts here before, Kitkat. I know we sound hostile, but - not to excuse us - you keep coming back over years now with the same pattern of behaviors and poor me thing, never seeming to listen to any comments, and then showing up again with similar episodes. Not that I think you married a swell person, or that no one else is ever stupid, but you stay and participate in this stupidity cycle, are a full and willing part of it, possibly trigger it.
This doesn't mean I think I'm so perfect or that any other commenters do think themselves perfect. We're not as condescending as we sound. We just get aggravated at your apparent behavior cycle with periodic whines.
I'm sure I and others suggested counselling before. You might print out your threads to give a counsellor a clue.
KitKat, I just went back to your first A2K post
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=952419#952419
The first response pretty much covers what's been said to you over the past 2.5 years. Reviewing it might help you to reflect on what's going on.
Perhaps print out some of your threads and give them to a therapist to review with you, if you can't see things clearly yourself.
Waaaay back when I was in college, I used to write in journals. One depressing day, I sat down and reread them. I realized that I had written what amounted to the same complaints written in different ways, over and over again. I burned the journals that night on the roof, then went off to change the things I had been complaining about. It was very liberating.
Think of your entries on A2K as your journal....
Okay, so you can't really burn them, unless you print them out....
But you can still change the way you decide to see the world.
Ehbeth, you're right. I went back and read kitkat's first post and the response.
This really struck me: "you are responsible for your own situation"
huh. Yup. That about sums it up.
caribou wrote:Waaaay back when I was in college, I used to write in journals. One depressing day, I sat down and reread them. I realized that I had written what amounted to the same complaints written in different ways, over and over again. I burned the journals that night on the roof, then went off to change the things I had been complaining about. It was very liberating.
Okay, so you can't really burn them, unless you print them out....
Think of your entries on A2K as your journal....
But you can still change the way you decide to see the world.
I actually am an avid writer in my journal. I feel that writing in it really helps me get things off my chest.
As for the past posts I have made, I have looked back on them. I actually came to somewhat of a different conclusion. You guys read them as me saying oh woe is me and think drama queen. I re-read my posts to try and figure out where you were getting these conclusions and I keep coming to a differnt set of conclusions. Though I as well see that having not left yet is a major cause, I see an even greater cause that effects more than just my marraige. What I see is a girl who is making the same mistake over and over and that mistake is me constantly hoping for the silver lining in every situation. I get treated bad and I want to leave but then he does something good and I hold onto it like there's no tommorrow. I just don't see this girl who screams everyone pay attention to me that everyone else does, I just don't see it cause I don't act like that. I really think what is causing me to stay is the constant hope that good will come of it, not becuase I want to be hurt. Its just frustrating because all who hate me on this forum are stuck on one aspect of my life and can't get their minds past me leaving. All I am trying to do is say that there is sooo much more going on here than just leaving.
What I am trying to say is, how is leaving going to help me with the rest of my life when I don't know what I am leaving for. I'm not saying i am staying in the situation forever because not only do I plan on leaving but I already have a game plan. I'm saying...what lesson do I need to learn from this. I keep coming back here but all I ever hear is "leave him leave him your stupid go away"
Kitkat--
No one here hates you, but a lot of people are running out of sympathy.
Quote:Though I as well see that having not left yet is a major cause, I see an even greater cause that effects more than just my marraige. What I see is a girl who is making the same mistake over and over and that mistake is me constantly hoping for the silver lining in every situation. I get treated bad and I want to leave but then he does something good and I hold onto it like there's no tommorrow
In the last few years you've learned to talk in depth about your miserable marriage. You don't want to leave. You don't seem to want to change. You want to talk about how mean
everyone (including A2K posters) is to you.
Nothing is ever your fault.
The closest you get to assuming responsibility for your actions is to talk about your parents' unhappy marriage.
You have an abusive husband.
You choose to stay with this abusive husband.
You complain bitterly about this abusive husband.
You ask for advice.
Then you ignore the advice and repeat all the complaints.
Your husband is not going to turn into Prince Charming. A Strange Prince Charming is not going to ride up on a white horse to save you. If you want a happy life, you are going to have to create some happy circumstances for yourself.
Good luck.
I've said it before....
Histrionic Personality Disorder
I'm saying it again.
me, Me, ME!!!!
After realizing this, it's actually quite entertaining watching this.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace