Wife dancing with someone else???

Why don't you take a dance class with her?

Why don't you post in paragraphs? It's like taking a breath...



I'll be back when I decipher the question.

Relax guyguy. Learn to dance, learn to like it, or learn to get over your petty insecurities. The lattest sounds like the most rewarding. Most of us suffer some petty jealousy from time to time, but you have to recognize it for what it is and dismiss it. The last thing you want to do is pester your wife with it. Recognize the fault, and do your best to exorcise it on your own time.

Had to break this up for myself...

The reason I am posting is that my wife has been going to dance clubs with her sister and mom (both single). I can't dance and don't enjoy that atmosphere so I don't usually go with her. Well I went the other night and things didn't turn out so good.

Their was a group of us including a few of her female friends from school (she is going for an RN) and her mother and sister. I was under the impression that she doesn't dance, but hangs out at the tables. So we are at the club and she tells me that their is a guy from her class showing up and for me to not freak out if she dances with him.

So she goes to get a drink and I look at her phone and she ahs a text message from him saying "are you ready to dance" and "where are you (in the club)". So she gets back from getting a drink and I am upset. She talks to me and I calm down. He shows up and I act polite, shake his hand. So a little while later a song she likes comes on and she goes to dance with a few of her girl friends. After she is out their for a few songs another of her friends is telling me to go dance with her and I start felling like if I don't then this guy from her class is going to go out their. So I do dance with her for a song, and hate every minute of it because I can't dance. Afterwards we leave and she doesn't dance with him. We have talked about it a lot and she is very good about getting me to communicate about it.

It is the fact that I am very insecure and have not had many relationships before I met her. I am now 27 and we have been married for 4 years and dated 3 years before that. I know that many people don't mind their wife's dancing with other men because it does not mean anything and is just fun. But for me the thought of her dancing to R&B music (usually very close dancing with a lot of contact) with another man depresses me. This all happened 2 days ago and I can't stop thinking about her dancing with someone else.

She has told me that he is from out of the country and doesn't have any friends so she invited him to go out with her and her friends so he doesn't sit at home all the time and she said he can dance okay.


Now the thing that gets me is that my wife never told me that she dances with someone (although I wonder if she just didn't tell me because she knew I would not be able to handle it because of my insecurities. I just don't know what to think about this and how I can coupe with her going to the clubs without me.

See, I am into cars and she isn't so I go out with my friends and talk cars and go to the races and she goes out with her mom and sister (which are both single). I know this has been a bit of a ramble but I am just venting a bit. Thanks for any feedback.







Ok, I tried to put your question into different points.

How to answer?
Dancing varies.

I danced with a fellow and spent the next quarter century with him.
On the other hand, before that, I danced a long time with others and had no interest in a life relationship with them. Sometimes was interested, back when I was unattached, for the nonce.

A lot of people just like to dance, whoever the partner. Being good at it is exhilarating.
I say this as a terrible dancer, good at it every so often.

I agree with Boomer, take some classes. Don't automatically get all jealous. Your wife picked you, didn't she?

I'll admit relationships go awry. You two should be talking.

I have no idea re the guy at the dance. I can infer he may like her.
If your relationship with your wife is communicating and satisfying - this can flop for or from one person or the other - but if you and wife are happy, this should be no problem.

Don't go all needy. Dance and enjoy, let go.

*Looked at her phone while she was getting a drink.

Why did you do that? Were you checking up on her while she was gone? You could have been chatting, having a good time, anything else.

*Got upset.

What did you do exactly? What does upset mean?

*She talked you down. You acted politely to the classmate/dancing partner.

She 'managed' you. But ultimately, after her verbal reassurance to your upset, you did as she asked. But were you ok with the current arrangement at that point?

Guyguy, I'm not an expert, just someone who had this same problem. Insecurity.
Sometimes it still plays up.

Though some tolerate it (or use it eeks), many slowly silently build to resent having to carry the load of someone else's insecurities.

You don't need to be perfect, but try working on them and taking them onto yourself. Just be aware of how it might be affecting her, think of things 'from her moccasins'.

The only thing I know is that being willing to learn how to communicate in different ways helps.

Instead of waiting for her to 'get you to communicate', once in a while try offering up the info without any proding or event. Take a risk with her, to trust her with it.

Before going into a situation that makes you nervous, think through what specifically what might freak you out or get you upset. Plan for it. If things need to be said or squared away with your SO, you can do it before hand.

Try to remember that she isn't a mind reader. When in doubt, try to give her the benefit of the doubt instead of jumping to upsetting conclusions. And wait to see what is really going on, or ask if you don't know.

Write - yes, WRITE - a code of behavior for yourself. Stuff like:
*Will not ever cause a scene out in public. Will wait til an appropriate time, alone, to fight with wife.
etc.
Stick to it.

I'm trained to be a control freak, and I tell you, **** like this works.

Oh, another good thing: Mentally work through the things that truly you can not stand for and those that are just irritants to deeper crap.
Train yourself to only make points about the big stuff, bring it up and establish it between both of you! , then leave it be to play out as it will.

Learn to laugh at your own foibles and correct yourself! about the other.

Tell her and thank her for her understanding and kindness when you are less than stellar. Let her know you appreciate it, in some way that is your own.

I know, I know, seems obvious to others, right.

We need a Relationships 101 thread!

...........

Ok, so are you bothered by her dancing with her single mom and sis, and with men?

Or are you bothered thinking, generally, that her alone around men will lead her to temptation and into someone else's bed?

It is true that insecurity does drive partners away. But, when you're in that mode of thinking, the tendency is to think it is because the other person doesn't want us or love us or value us.
That isn't necessarily the case at all.
Insecurity can simply drive another bonkers and crap out relationships, pure and simple.

anyhow, hope this is somewhat on target!

Well she is going to go out with her sister tonight without me because we don't have a babysitter. She has asked me and told me that she doesn't want to make me upset. I told her that I have no right to be upset and that I trust her. I have told her that the problem is with me and I don't want to keep her from having a good time. I know I will probably be crying later when I start thinking about it too much.

I am looking into counseling to help me with a much deeper problem besides the dancing.

Sounds like dancing makes her happy.

Do you want to make her happy? Or do you just want to whine about how put-upon you are?

Easy there DrewDad, the guy recognizes he has a problem and is taking steps to deal with it. Good on you Guyguy... and welcome to A2K

and, were I him, I'd be more relaxed it she were quilting.


Still, thinking, dancing lessons = good. (says someone who got a C, now laughing at self.)

Dancing is funny.

I think a lot of "guys" don't see it as a very "guy" thing to do, even though they get jealous of the "guys" their girls dance with.

I always think of my brother - who is about as "guy" as a "guy" can get. Back in the 70s he learned to disco dance in order to woo the girl he loved. On their 25th wedding anniversary he surprised her with a series of ballroom dancing lessons for the two of them.

By the way - this "guy" is a General in the Army, Special Forces, blahblahblah. Very, very, "guy". And a great dancer, to boot!

Just trying to break it down as simply as I could.

Twirling a lady on the dance floor is great fun.

But there is a steep learning curve.

Guyguy, I know how you feel. I think dancing is about as exciting as watching paint dry, so I hate it when I am expected to dance and pretend like I'm all excited about it. Of course, a lot of girls seem to think it is fun for some reason, and you can't really take that away from them either.

I'm sure she would love it if you did honestly become interested in dancing, but I disagree with the other people who have been suggesting you go out and get dancing lessons. She's not going to enjoy dancing with you if it's truly not something that you enjoy too, she's going to feel like you're doing it to prevent her from doing it with someone else, which I imagine would not be the most relaxing/pleasant feeling for her.

I dated a girl who really liked dancing...I tried to get into it, but came to realize that yup I definitely just do not like dancing, so I stopped. She started taking tango lessons from some suave looking hispanic guy in her house, which she really enjoyed, but I didn't really get jealous. Even though I could see them laughing it up and having a good time, I think she did just see him as a friend and nothing more.

Perhaps it is unpleasant to have that kind of competition, but I think it's just something you have to deal with. You can't shelter her from being friends with other guys, you've just got to trust her.

It sounds like you put some honest effort into it before realizing you just don't like to dance, though, Stuh. Guyguy does say:



That certainly seems to indicate that if he DID know how to dance, he might not hate it so much.

Seems like it's worth a try, at the very least, especially if guyguy's wife would LIKE it if he'd go dancing with her. That might be something to establish first -- it could be that she enjoys the "gal's night out" aspect of it, something on her own, just as guyguy enjoys his cartalk with the fellas.

Well maybe, but I think usually "I can't dance" is equivalent to "I can't make myself dance because I don't feel comfortable/enjoyable doing it."

However, it doesn't hurt to give it a shot.

I do think that they would benefit from having some activity that they both enjoy doing together, as opposed to just both doing their separate things. Having something that they did together, even if it's not dancing, might help him to feel better about it.

That's a good point.

If guyguy is doing car stuff, and his wife is dancing, and they're not doing anything in particular together, that adds a level of frustration to it. If they have plenty of enjoyable time together and the separate hobbies are just extras, that can be beneficial I think.

Thank You stuh505, I think I agree with your advice the most. I really think it is innocent and have no reason to think it is anything farther than a friendship.

I do see that we need to find something to do togethor. My friends wifes always ask about where my wife is and I do feel a bit strange never having her around me. This is something we are going to have to look into. I think this started happening because we could never find a babysitter so one of us would go out one night of the weekend while the other watched the kids and then trade for the other night. This probably is not the best habit to get into. I also feel more seperated from my wife when her sister comes over and then go takl and talk about what they did and I have no idea what they are talking about. Thank You everyone

Can the sister be a babysitter? Or your mother-in-law?

If they want to be available on Friday and Saturday nights to go clubbing, you and your wife could still go out on a Wednesday, or whatever.

Plus, what about just spending time as a family, all of you? (That is you, your wife, and your kids.) Going to the zoo, having a barbecue at your house and inviting everyone and their kids over, etc. It's definitely nice to have some couple time but you can spend some good quality time together in the presence of the kids, too.

My head is spinning from reading your post!

If I knew my husband would be bothered by me dancing (DANCING) with another guy, I would
1. worry about his sanity
2. worry about his phantasies
3. not tell him too many things that go on when I go out!

Good thing I don't have that problem.

I suggest you relax a little.
She is dancing with the guy, not going to bed with him.

If you preferred her not to dance with him, I suppose you have to supply her with another dance partner, i.e. yourself...