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Wed 7 Mar, 2007 12:04 pm
There is one girl in my daughter's class that is always getting into trouble. She is frequently sent to the principal's office and is a bit on the wild side. I have been over this girl's house and although the parents are very nice and friendly, they basically allow their children to rule the roast. I know another mom who had this child over for a play date and put it to you this way, she will never be over there again. Another mom had issues with her during a birthday party.
My daughter has gone over her house once after school for a couple of hours and now my daughter loves her. Over the last school vacation week, her mom called to see if my daughter wanted to come over for a play date. Fortunately I had already arranged back up care for her, so I had a reason to bag out. It appears that some other moms have been avoiding her too (through conversations with them). And the horror she also asked about a sleep over! I simply told her I thought she was a bit young for that.
It is difficult because she is in a small class and it is mostly boys so the girls are all very close friends. I don't want to leave anyone out, but I would like to minimize how much time she plays with this girl outside of school. Any thoughts on how to handle future invites without sounding like I am avoiding her? I really don't want bad feelings, and besides being a monster she is really sweet - just not disciplined at all.
How is she a monster? I think that affects my advice.
It's a tough situation though, I know what you mean, have been dealing with something similar. Sozlet tends to be friendly to everyone, and one girl has really glommed on to her. They've had a playdate each -- the girl came here, sozlet went to the girl's house -- and both did NOT go well. When they were here, there was one disaster after another, and it slowly came out that sozlet had a terrible time at the girl's house, too (she didn't want to say so at first for some reason).
So now the girl and her mom keep inviting us over to do stuff and I'm not sure how to react. "No, can't get together that day, my kid doesn't like your daughter"? Ugh.
I'm also wondering if spending time with people who might not be perfect is actually better in the big picture, a good way to learn various not-obvious social skills and coping skills.
Anyway, is the monster-ness directed at your daughter or outwards?
How is she a monster? Yes, I guess I am exaggerating. But I guess the best way to explain is to give you examples - at her house her mom would tell her come down, or come say goodbye or anything and the daughter would not listen even after repeated times. At one girl's house, the neighbors upstairs left for the day because she was so loud and when they came home, the neighbors commented on "what a handful she is". At the party, which was at a pottery place, she would repeatedly go off and often hide so that the parents had to go in search of her. Overall at school she is loud, very active and does not listen to instruction. I haven't ever seen her be mean, just really wild, like not listening when you say don't do this or that - even when a situation is harmful or dangerous.
Funny thing is my daughter had a great time at her house. I haven't felt brave enough to invite her over yet. My daughter likes her, and I wouldn't mind a couple of hours, but spring vacation is just around the corner and I feel she may invite my daughter for the day. Seeing I work all day, it would be the only way for her to come over. My daughter finds the behavior funny. I am more concerned she will be influenced as recently she got into trouble because of a boy acting up (similar personality as to this girl).
I agree it is a learning opportunity to see different behaviors. When I found out about the hiding thing at the party which actually started a problem because a couple of the other girls began to do this as well, I talked to my daughter about it. I explained why it was so wrong to that and how proud of her I was that she did not and listened to the parents.
I'm inclined to say that if your daughter likes her and the relationship wouldn't be harmful to her or teach her bad habits, to let them get together. If your daughter is normally very quiet, she might be attracted to the other girl's boisterousness. Any chance you could arrange for playdates at a park, where noise and rambuctiousness isn't such an issue and where hide and seek is fun for all?
That sounds to me like it's mild enough that if your daughter is enjoying spending time with this girl, you should let her. Looks like you took a good opportunity to give some positive feedback when your daughter made some good decisions. You can probably tie future socializing with the friend to your daughter's behavior. As in, if she DOES start acting in a way that is unacceptable to you, you can say something like, "If this is how you act after spending time with ___, you won't be able to see ___ anymore."
I know I had some "bad" friends when I was a kid who nonetheless were special to me and who weren't actually a bad influence on my own behavior.
Linkat, can you remind me how old these kids are? I'm remembering around 2nd grade, right?
I think, many have had friendships like you said, soz.
Nearly all my friends where of that sort my parents didn't like when I was child (and later it were the girl friends, but that's another topic).
Although that is now 50 years ago, another time and in a rather very conservative household, my parents never said anything against it.
As a matter of fact: I was more often at those friends then they were at ours - reason's quite plausible, I think :wink:
I'm still trying to figure out what ruling the roast means...
FreeDuck wrote:I'm inclined to say that if your daughter likes her and the relationship wouldn't be harmful to her or teach her bad habits, to let them get together. If your daughter is normally very quiet, she might be attracted to the other girl's boisterousness. Any chance you could arrange for playdates at a park, where noise and rambuctiousness isn't such an issue and where hide and seek is fun for all?
Sure - once the temperatures go above 10 degrees!
JPB wrote:Linkat, can you remind me how old these kids are? I'm remembering around 2nd grade, right?
Yep - 2nd grade. I don't want to prevent them from being friends - I honestly just don't want her in house all day where the kids run rampart. The mom is overly sweet and allows the kids to do whatever they want. And I would worry a bit about her safety and a bit about her finding the wild side too attractive!
Overall as I said I don't mind short amounts of time with her - a couple of hours, it is all the day or sleep over thing. And also I don't know if I would want to handle her at my house.
More how to handle those sorts of invites rather than a couple of hours after school or an afternoon at the playground (once it is above freezing).
Bi-Polar Bear wrote:I'm still trying to figure out what ruling the roast means...
Meaning like a rooster - the kids make up the rules not the parents.
Why don't you have her over at your house for a short period first, see how it goes. (I re-read, doesn't seem like you've had her over at all yet, correct me if I'm wrong.) Sometimes those kinds of kids (lack of limits/ consistency at home) react really well to calm, consistent authority. Maybe not, but seems like it's worth a try. If it doesn't go well, you can use that to explain to your daughter why something longer isn't going to be happening.
And I never said anything to my daughter about not liking her. And I don't think it really is that I don't like her. She can be quite sweet, and I can see why she is the way she is - her parents are too nice and do not seem to set rules for them.
I can remember having some friends that were troublesome in elementary school. They did have some influence on me as I started to have to stay after school and stuff. It didn't last long though as I moved onto less troublesome friends.
Linkat wrote:FreeDuck wrote:I'm inclined to say that if your daughter likes her and the relationship wouldn't be harmful to her or teach her bad habits, to let them get together. If your daughter is normally very quiet, she might be attracted to the other girl's boisterousness. Any chance you could arrange for playdates at a park, where noise and rambuctiousness isn't such an issue and where hide and seek is fun for all?
Sure - once the temperatures go above 10 degrees!
Doh! Hah, I forgot it isn't 68 everywhere. (ducks)
M had a friend in first-second grade who had no boundaries and caused a number of problems. M once found herself explaining to the Principal that she wasn't the one who had etched her name into the playground equipment (although she knew who had done it). She found herself explaining to me that the vandalism to her swing-set was not her doing and that she had tried to keep same friend from causing the damage. She also wanted friend to spend more time at our house to play because it was 'scary' at friend's house (I think there was probably a lot of hitting going on). As much as she liked the friend, it didn't take her long to decide she didn't like getting into trouble because of the actions of others.
K had a friend at a similar age who filled her head with all sorts of doom and gloom stories that took us ages to talk through. Friend's name was Leah and when K would come out with a wild story that was theoretically possible but highly unlikely (she once told K not to sit next to the wall at school during story time in case the wall caved in) we referred to the situation as 'Leahretical' and could get K to at least laugh about it.
I think it's normal for kids to want to play with the wild ones and sometimes they learn the hard way that other people's behaviors can affect them as well. I would encourage short times together to begin with and then see how it goes. If your daughter starts getting into trouble because of the actions of her friends then she (or you) can limit the time spent together.
Don't mind me. I'm just listening in from the perspective of Troublesome's mom......
sozobe wrote:Why don't you have her over at your house for a short period first, see how it goes. (I re-read, doesn't seem like you've had her over at all yet, correct me if I'm wrong.) Sometimes those kinds of kids (lack of limits/ consistency at home) react really well to calm, consistent authority. Maybe not, but seems like it's worth a try. If it doesn't go well, you can use that to explain to your daughter why something longer isn't going to be happening.
I may try that when I'm feeling brave. This little one is very brazen - she came up to me the other day and asked if she could come over our house for a sleep over.
Maybe when things are warmer, I'll invite her - that way I can throw them outdoors if they start getting rowdy.
JPB wrote:M had a friend in first-second grade who had no boundaries and caused a number of problems. M once found herself explaining to the Principal that she wasn't the one who had etched her name into the playground equipment (although she knew who had done it). She found herself explaining to me that the vandalism to her swing-set was not her doing and that she had tried to keep same friend from causing the damage. She also wanted friend to spend more time at our house to play because it was 'scary' at friend's house (I think there was probably a lot of hitting going on). As much as she liked the friend, it didn't take her long to decide she didn't like getting into trouble because of the actions of others.
K had a friend at a similar age who filled her head with all sorts of doom and gloom stories that took us ages to talk through. Friend's name was Leah and when K would come out with a wild story that was theoretically possible but highly unlikely (she once told K not to sit next to the wall at school during story time in case the wall caved in) we referred to the situation as 'Leahretical' and could get K to at least laugh about it.
I think it's normal for kids to want to play with the wild ones and sometimes they learn the hard way that other people's behaviors can affect them as well. I would encourage short times together to begin with and then see how it goes. If your daughter starts getting into trouble because of the actions of her friends then she (or you) can limit the time spent together.
Yeah quite possibly you need to go through it. I did as I stated before, but you always want to keep your children from avoiding the pitfalls you went through.
Linkat--
Remember, at your house you set the rules. If a guest doesn't want to follow house rules, the guest will have to go home.
You have more moxie than an rowdy second grader.
Hold your dominion.
Noddy24 wrote:Linkat--
Remember, at your house you set the rules. If a guest doesn't want to follow house rules, the guest will have to go home.
You have more moxie than an rowdy second grader.
Hold your dominion.
You are definately right on that!
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