Lies

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I debated talking about this here because there is so much going on already.
But this has me sick since it has happened and I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
I just don't know what to do?

The heart of it is that someone who I trusted and thought I knew turned out to be a scuz. The level of lies is staggering. Honestly I've been in shock these first few days. It feels like the world has been turned upside down.

I've been lied to so that this person could get what they wanted at my expense. And the expense has been putting my safety at risk, my heart through the grinder, and screwing with my reality. Black has been called white: and I believed it.
The lies go back years! I don't know what is what any more.

This isn't someone new in my life, they have been in it for years. They know the intimate details of my life. They had been trusted with sensitive information and I thought they cared about me.
I even thought they loved me. I know I loved the person I thought they were. But it was all based on lies.

I can't remember ever feeling like this. This tricked. I consider myself a smart person. I try to do the right thing. I care about people. So how could this happen??
Yes, I feel stupid. I keep replaying and remembering things that have taken place between this person and myself and realizing yet one more precious memory that really isn't true. I was being used.

Why I post here now is because I am worried about myself.
I don't know what to do??!!!

That old shell of "big tough mad flushd" is coming back up and I'm finding it so hard to open up to let my feelings about this work through.
Like, I'm having trouble sharing about it beyond my anger.
I'm not the only one who has been played hard in this: and that other person is starting to lean on me for guidance. It is rather natural a thing to happen considering my intial reaction to being burned or hard times happening is to take on the protectors role and stuff my own pain down.

But inside me there is something screaming "what about me?!".

Those close to me keep saying they are proud of me for being so strong and that I am on the right track. Doing the right thing. And being a good 'support' for the other who is still immersed in staying with the scuzbucket.
Because, well, obviously I have told the scuz to stay the hell out of my life!!
And I keep trucking. And I'm not crying or breaking down.
I'm not trying to fool anyone that I am A-Ok. I even say "I am not okay". But I can understand how everything else about me would say to others 'she is doing ok, basically, and doesn't want to be sad about it right now".
And I can understand and feel how they sense me as cold and not easy to reach out to right now.

Maybe I am strong but I don't feel very lovable. And that kills me. I want someone to get that I don't want to be strong - though I know I need to -but not with those who love me. Not all the time.

But I'm questioning everyone, and that anger and lack of trust extends to everyone for me right now. Everyone right close, too. Those who I most want to be with right now. Those who mean the most to me.
It's like I can't distinguish who is who anymore, or where my feelings are coming from.

I don't want to self destruct or to turn against those who are good. I don't.
But that is what I am doing.
I'm crawling into myself and "look after number one first" attitude.

There are some good people in my life. I think. That I question them and push away their soft hearts makes me want to die. That is dramatic, but I mean, what is the point of life if you can't love?? And I feel so unlovable and unworthy of love right now. I feel unable to love anyone truly.

I don't want to hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it. There is only one person who caused these feelings. So why can't I leave it there?

I don't want to lose what is important in my life to this in crashnburn fashion, or punish myself, but it seems my very determination to kick ass and be alright is working against me.

thanks for listening.

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Flushd--

I'll be back. Hold your dominion.

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Ugh. I've had that happen, it's the worst thing. It really reminds me of being in a car crash. Like, before the car crash you're speeding around in this ton of metal and somehow it's not terrifying. You're just driving. And then after the car crash, you're constantly aware that even if you're completely careful there could be a drunk driver or someone on drugs or someone who falls asleep at the wheel or someone who has a stroke who plows into you and you're dead. That's it.

And driving, that utterly mundane activity, is suddenly fraught. And you just want to stay inside all day.

Not really any easy answers because yes, all of those things CAN happen, and your control over that is limited. But at some point we readjust, our sense of reality coalesces again, and the terrifying becomes mundane -- or at least handle-able.

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This brings up bad memories! I'll be back when I can focus on your post, flushd. Sorry to hear your pain.

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Sorry, flushd. This should not be happening to you.

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roger wrote:

Sorry, flushd. This should not be happening to you.

<nods>

You are far too sweet to be treated like that.

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Why are you pushing at the 'soft hearts'?

Can you try to sort of keep yourself away from the people you don't want to hurt? For a little while? Geez. My bad experience happened over 10 years ago and I am still not healed. I'm still tough littlek. I'm also still single. I ran. Literally. After about 6 months of dark, dreary, nasty misery, I quit smoking and went to the park with my dog and ran until I puked. And I did it again and again and again (the running part, not the puking part). The running, this was the only time I've run, got me over the misery and over smoking.

Can you find something you have never done and throw yourself into it? Can you find something that will make you're life healthier or better and do it every day?

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Feels like a car crash. Yup.

Thank you, all, for reaffirming that this is not a normal thing for a human being to do to another. Somehow I need to hear that. Lots it seems.

Littlek, I'm sorry to bring back bad memories. I just don't know. This has thrown me off so bad. I'm not sleeping normal, eating normal, acting normal.
Everything is rearranged and broken up.

I do have a craving to do something extraordinary and that uses a lot of energy. It is so odd how much energy I have. I keep having fantasies of hunting this person down and beating the daylights out of them. I keep trying to redirect my mind, but that energy remains.

I want to do something aggressive. Don't know what though. Something like kickboxing or marathon running or swimming laps til I puke. Something to focus focus focus totally on and build me up.

I'm really surprised how comfortable I am with the lack of control part of this.

It is the violation part that is eating me up inside. It goes right to the core of everything shitty that has ever happened to me in my life. It goes right to the core of why it is hard to trust people.

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flushd, Sorry to hear about your difficulties, but it was good that you were able to share your hurt on this thread - the first step to your healing process. As with most hurt and sorrow situations, they usually heal over time.

I can't imagine any of my old friends doing something to hurt me the way your friend seems to have hurt you. Even the people I disagree with on a2k don't even come close to hurting me that will last more than the few minutes at the keyboard.

Most of the people that have been around on a2k have been tremendously kind, sympathetic, generous folks, and I have been fortunate to have met many of them in person. Over and beyond that, I've seen the pouring out of support for a2k members that have lost loved ones or are sick.

Use this resource in any way that will give you the support you need, and if you need to talk to a "friend," we're always here.

Keep your chin up. You didn't do anything wrong, so the hurt feeling you have is one of betrayal. We can't control what others do, but we can control what we do. That's all that really matters.

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Your post struck a real cord in me, I just wanted to acknowledge that with a post and a smile across the ether.

Smile

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It's so horrible.

I can understand alot of what you are saying...

I have a habit of holing myself up when I'm hurt.
Hurt becomes Anger and anger can keep you going for awhile, but, well, you know... There's still all this stuff going on that needs to come out. So that you can work it out in your head and move on.

One of those people, or more, that you say are close to you... You need to believe enough to trust them. You need to talk about your fears and emotions.
You are strong and lovable. You are strong enough to show people that you hurt.
Find that person and let them in.

Or talk here if it's easier for the time being.
It's good you posted this and I hope you continue.
You are not alone.

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flushd wrote:

Littlek, I'm sorry to bring back bad memories. I just don't know. This has thrown me off so bad. I'm not sleeping normal, eating normal, acting normal.
Everything is rearranged and broken up.

I do have a craving to do something extraordinary and that uses a lot of energy. It is so odd how much energy I have. I keep having fantasies of hunting this person down and beating the daylights out of them. I keep trying to redirect my mind, but that energy remains.

I want to do something aggressive. Don't know what though. Something like kickboxing or marathon running or swimming laps til I puke. Something to focus focus focus totally on and build me up.

Don't worry about me. It's probably healthy to realize that the bastid can still make my gut wrench. I guess time isn't the only medicine.

You have the extra energy. Don't just think about getting it out - go do it!

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Re: Lies

flushd wrote:

The heart of it is that someone who I trusted and thought I knew turned out to be a scuz. The level of lies is staggering. Honestly I've been in shock these first few days. It feels like the world has been turned upside down.

I've been lied to so that this person could get what they wanted at my expense. And the expense has been putting my safety at risk, my heart through the grinder, and screwing with my reality. Black has been called white: and I believed it.
The lies go back years! I don't know what is what any more.

flushd, I can hear your pain, hurt & confusion & can relate to it.
This has happened to me.

It can be devastating when a loved & trusted person totally betrays one's trust so badly.

It can leave you feeling stupid, naive & gullible. How come you never knew this person was like this? Was it obvious to everyone else? How could you ever have be so stupid, so trusting, as to assume you knew who they really were all this time?

But you see, the "problem" is not with you at all. Why should you not believe someone you've known & loved for a long time? Why should you not be the generous, trusting person that you are? The problem is with the other & their secret agenda which they share with no one but themselves. It is a lonely, cold & desperate place, where this person really is.

You have had a huge misfortune in knowing & trusting this person for so long. And you will learn from this experience after you recover from the hurt & upset. But, trust me, you are a much more fortunate than they are. You, in the long track, will be able to look yourself in the face & know that you are a person of integrity & have behaved with integrity. They won't. They could come to sorely regret their betrayal (& loss?) of your trust. Down the track it matters how you've gone about living your life.

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I'm very sorry to hear that, flushd.

I wanted to do something aggressive in a similar situation ages back.
And by that I noticed: I'm just a normal person, like everyone else. With good sides and bad sides. And additionally with something "black" hidden somewhere.

So I put that "black" stuff back in the box, locked it ....

What I learnt in those days is that undertsanding one's situation, having people listening to one' sorrow and rage does a lot of good - but the actualy burden still is with me.

I believe, this experience added a lot to .... that I can handle no many situations.
And it's quite a good feeling to have learnt a bit more - about myself and how to deal with others.

I'm sure, you will find YOUR way soon.

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((((((((((((flushd))))))))))))

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Sorry to hear this, flushd. I can certainly understand how you're feeling...

No advice from me...just wanted to tell you I understand too. And sending you good wishes.

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Flushd--

You wrote:

Quote:

I want to do something aggressive. Don't know what though. Something like kickboxing or marathon running or swimming laps til I puke. Something to focus focus focus totally on and build me up.

This post says a lot of positive things about you. You want your first focus to be on yourself (rather than The Deceiver's other victim). You want to take charge of your healing. You want to use this as a chance to grow.

Are the Soft Hearts in your life actually being helpful, or are they simply mouthing platitudes indicating just how wise and understanding they are?
People can mean well, but their well-meaning may be so tied up in personal ego that their "comfort" isn't very satisfying.

Right now you need to acquire some pleasant memories. Of course you need to spend time re-organizing the past so that your new version confirms with reality. You have obligations to people in your daily life, including the other victim. You also have obligations to yourself.

Can you join a gym or a boxing club? Can you mobilize the Soft Hearts of your life as companions to a movie or a shopping trip or a gardening afternoon? These people want to help you. Can you summon the energy to show them what you need and how they can help?

Hold your dominion.

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Re: Lies

flushd wrote:

That old shell of "big tough mad flushd" is coming back up and I'm finding it so hard to open up to let my feelings about this work through. Like, I'm having trouble sharing about it beyond my anger.
I'm not the only one who has been played hard in this: and that other person is starting to lean on me for guidance. It is rather natural a thing to happen considering my intial reaction to being burned or hard times happening is to take on the protectors role and stuff my own pain down.

But inside me there is something screaming "what about me?!".

flushd, There's nothing wrong with letting yourself feel anger when you're angry. You've been dealt a huge blow and somehow what you thought was the floor became the ceiling. Go ahead and be angry. Take the energy that comes from that anger and express it in positive outlets (go for a run, take a boxing class, write in a journal, write here...). All emotions have a way of finding an outlet on their own if you don't give them one. Stuffing your anger inside and building up your walls might seem like a good idea in the short term, but the anger will find a different outlet.

Go ahead... be angry. And, go ahead and let others know that you're angry. You're entitled.

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This sounds a bit familiar for me too. I'm with littlek and your instincts -- go ahead and throw yourself into something. I did the same thing and ended up 1) in the best shape of my life, 2) feeling much better as my mind managed to make sense of everything given enough time to turn it over and over while my body focused on something else and 3) knowing something of a martial art (I chose a karate class at my local community college). It helped, and with that time taken for myself to focus on myself, I was much better able to let my closest friends in. Also, all of the internal conversations with myself made it possible to sort through all of the mess and find the right words to use to explain my feelings to my friends so that they would understand.

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Every single response I appreciate so much. I've read it over a bunch of times.
It really helped me get through work last night. I even managed to laugh a few times.

Walter, you are so right about the burden being squarely on oneself, even though others can be a great support. I really feel that. And I'm struggling with that.

You know I think this is kind of ironic. All this pain this jerk has caused is because he refused to take responsibility.
And now, because he shifted his pain onto us, we have to make up our minds every moment about whether or not we will take responsiblity for this deep pain.

I know I didn't cause it, yet it is still mine. That sucks! But I guess it is how it is.

Noddy, the Soft Hearts are mouthing platitutes and I can tell they are already sick of hearing about it. I don't really blame them - they have their own burdens to carry - but I feel very alone.

It helps a lot to hear that others have gone through this and survived. And became even better people out of the deal. That gives me a lot of hope!
And I really need Hope.

It still doesn't seem totally real.

The hardest part is losing one of the very people I would turn to in situations like this. It is like he is dead. Except he still walks around!

My goal is to use this to become a better person. I choose to see this as a gift in ugly wrapping. It's all I can do. Like Cicerone said (and thank you, it really spoke to me) - I couldn't control having this happen to me, but I CAN control what I do now.
It may be a reality check I badly needed.

Now to work on the kinks on what to do with pain. I'm taking the suggestion to work on my body. That is something concrete and that I know how to do.
And it lets me cry. Which is good. Back to basics yet again! oy.

thanks for letting me share and listening, and sharing back. It means the world to me.

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