my woes never seem to end

I think, if it really means that much to you, you should talk to him about.
I don't know enough about him or the whole story, to try and find a reason why he might have lied to you.
Maybe he tried to protect you and your feelings, who knows.
You don't know either, so I think you should give him a chance to explain to make a final decision.

I don't understand, however, if you are so close, how could he hide a second family from you for ten years?

It can be done. We discovered a "brother" when he was into his thirties that my dad had made by another woman.

Sakhi--

You are having more than your fair share of Character Building Experiences.

Now you've lost the father you thought you had. Mind, this "faithful husband" father never existed and since he never existed, you'll never be able to "get him back".

You are in no way responsible for your parents' marriage. You are entitled--even required--to look at their behaviors and see how their actions in the past may influence yours in the present and the future.

You don't have to judge--just analyze.

Your father's love life isn't your business. Dealing with your feelings of betrayal that he lied to you is your business. You can't solve a problem by shutting it off and pretending it doesn't exist any more. You can't change the past so that your parents were people with a perfect marriage.

In any case the relationship between you and your father was moving from Parent & Child to the interaction between two blood-related adults. Your recent discoveries don't change this evolving relationship--although they may slow it down until you can come to grips with your father's imperfections.

Hold your dominion.

sakhi, noddy is a very wise woman. I agree with her post completely. Having been raised in a family where your trust and love was devoted to mostly one parent (been there, done that), it's understandable that you feel you've been betrayed. On the other hand, your father did what he could to give you a foundation during your childhood - one you weren't getting from your mother. The fact that that foundation was not what you thought it was is a blow, but not one you can't recover from.

Whatever choices your father made in the past doesn't mean he wasn't the man you loved. He kept things from you. Big Things, but I hope in time you find a way to let him know what you've learned and hear what he has to say. Parents sometimes keep secrets from their children. Whatever his reason, I think he's always returned your love.

Couples often do things for reasons that are incomprehensible to those outside, looking in. Parents often keep important matters from children. Is it possible that your dad did not tell you because he thought that you would react just the way that you did?

I came from a dysfunctional family, but infidelity was not involved. My parents were simply tearing each other, and their kids (my brother and I) apart.

For years, I thought that my father was the villian in this scenario. My brother, on the other hand, perceived that it was my mother, who brought on the chaos. After having many discussions with my brother, I have come to realize that there was culpability on both sides.

Sometimes it is very difficult for a young person to understand the dynamics of an adult relationship, especially when it comes to their own parents.

As an adult now, you might want to sit down with your father, when you feel ready, and discuss the matter with him, grownup to grownup. Let him have his say. You may find out that the reasons for his deception was totally different from what you have perceived.

IMO, you need to be a bigger person than him. Listen to what he has to say. Try (I know it will be hard) not to judge him, and hear him out.

Part of your feeling of betrayal is that the world that you considered as constant, turned out not to be as you always believed. That can be a shock, and takes some getting used to, but it can be done.

Apparently you have had a good relationship with your father. There is no reason that it cannot continue, on an adult level.

Hi sakhi,

Oh, I'm sorry. This does sound really difficult.

You've gotten some stellar advice already. What I'd emphasize is that it seems that the main deception happened when you were 15. That was undoubtedly a bad decision on your father's part, exactly because of how you feel now, but it could easily be a father trying to protect his child. You might not have felt like a child at 15, but that is probably how he viewed you. I think it's worth it to see what happens when you talk as adults. He may well retreat into another set of lies, and you can react to that if it happens; but I think it's in your best interest to at least give him a chance, see where things go.

Best of luck.

Reading your post, and then considering it before going on, I had some of the some of the same thoughts as Noddy and Phoenix.

Your father has many roles to play in life, as do we all. He is your father, true, however, he is also a husband, lover, businessman, friend and more.

One part of your father is someone who was not being satisfied emotionally/sexually in his relationship with your mother. That, as Noddy said, has nothing to do with you. No more than your private sex life is anything he needs to know every detail about. He is a human with needs, just like everyone else.

Like Phoenix said, only he and your mother know the full nature of their relationship.

Mostly what I thought of was how he might have denied, kept from you his relationship with someone else precisely because he was afraid your reaction would be exactly the one you are having.

It's hard imagining your father as a sexual being, I'm sure, and you might also be feeling you have failed him, as in "He wouldn't have needed another relationship if I had been a different daughter to him", but, people are more complex than that.

Allow him his privacy in this portion of his life. It obviously filled a void that was deeply felt.

Remember, through all these years, he still cared for you, and loved you. That has not changed. He is exactly the same man he has been all this time. Now, you know about a different side of him.

Would he perhaps be surprised if he learned of another side of you?

Saki, my father was a jerk too, but it different ways. I barely spoke to him once I left home and later my mother divorced him. One day I was talking to a friend about him and she said "he just doesn't know any better". Well, that really hit me and I realized it was true. He's not an evil person, just ignorant in a primitive sort of way. I started to feel sorry for him because he ruined what could have been a good life for our family by creating stupid conflicts and hurtful situations. Today we have a friendly relationship, not a loving father/daughter relationship, but we are nice to each other and there is no anger. I think he has many regrets.

I don't think you should abandon your father, but rather see him as a flawed, selfish soul who needs you in his life to represent the good he has created. Perhaps you can peacefully bring him self awareness by being honest about the hurt he has caused without condemning him through anger and rejection.

Thank you for all your responses.

Yeah, you're all very right - but it does not irk me that he has needs or that he is a sexual being...i do not mind it at all and i have no right to object. My father lives alone today. I wish he would marry a nice person (his old-time mistress, if he so wishes) and be happy.

I think I need to explain the situation better:

I'm angry because he didnt only just hide the entire story from me. He lied. Made up elaborate stories to cover the truth. When I was 15, I had heard from someone else that my father has another daughter. I asked him. I even told him , that I'd be fine with it if it was true and if he wanted to remarry. But he hotly denied it. I asked why the lady's daughter called him dad - he gave me some explanation and i believed it (probably because I wanted to)...It was not only when I was 15...it kept resurfacing. Every time I heard of it from someone else, and he denied it.

I know (as aquaintances) the lady and her daughter (they are the wife and daughter of his own friend, who left them - which makes it even worse. ). They are nice. And they are poor. They must have needed help, support. And my father probably needed some lovin...Yes. maybe I do feel a bit rejected as a daughter....but I have absolutely no problem with his relationship with the lady and the daughter...except the lies. And WORSE, he's told them, that I'd never agree to him legally marrying /adopting that family. And therefore, they hate me. They did hateful things to me when I was in college (I understand why now...but never understood then)....Why did my father have to use me as an excuse?? He got a job for that lady at his office - and when I went to visit him she was always mean to me - i never understood why.

This is the long story. I feel cheated - in more ways than one. Yes, you're all right...to some extent it is a bit of jealousy (of the "wasn't i a good enough daughter for him" type)...but it's not just that. I don't trust him anymore....I had SO MUCH respect for him. Maybe it's all a web of lies .

Sakhi--



Your father does love to drag a Flexible Fantasy World around with him, doesn't he?

He didn't want you to know about his mistress, so he lied. He didn't want to marry his mistress, so he lied.

You are absolutely right about having discovered that your father has some monumental flaws and the chief of these flaws is that he feels justified in distorting reality for his own comfort.

Obviously, for your own self-preservation and sanity, you're going to have to keep your Personal Automatic Bullsh!t Detector in working order when it comes to dealings with Dear Old Dad.

The kindest thing I can say about his behavior in this situation, is that he was probably not thinking about hurting you. He just felt much more comfortable in a fictional world in which he was Pure Papa Without Stain, so devoted to his daughter that he would not remarry against her wishes.

Pig Selfishness isn't the worst kind of evil.

You do have to come to grips with the fact that the father you revered and respected is both a liar and a fornicator. Your world has changed and you are entitled to take as much time as you need to evaluate--reevaluate--both your world and your father.

Hold your dominion.

Noddy's posts have been right-on, here.

Your dad definitely messed up, sakhi, big-time.

Has he been deceptive, that you know, about anything else? I realize that that's part of what's galling -- not being able to trust him anymore, not knowing what is true and what is lies -- but is there any other time that you were certain that he lied to you?

I ask because it seems possible to me that this was specific to the charade he was engaged in with this woman, and that a) it might be a relief to him to stop lying, and b) once this is dealt with (and he needs to deal with it to your satisfaction, if he doesn't that's another story), it doesn't necessarily mean that it's something that would recur.

Obviously he has deep personality flaws that allowed any of this to happen in the first place, but this is such a discrete (in the meaning of separate from the rest of who he is) situation and you obviously have had so much love for him (not to mention a difficult relationship with your mother) that I'm not sure if turning your back on him entirely, at this point, is the answer.

If his reaction is unsatisfactory or if this is just an example of what he does on an ongoing basis, then turning your back may be necessary for your sanity.

Your follow up post certainly cleared up a few things.

Noddy is again right on target.

I think to try to figure out why your father felt he had to go on with his lies you'd have to look further back in his family history. I've known plenty of people who lie, even when there's no reason to, just because, well, they think they have to.

This is very confusing I'm sure, like the person you felt a certain way towards never even existed at all. If they never existed, then what was one believing in all these years.

I can imagine this is what someone going through a crisis of religious faith goes through to.

Can give advice of course, but your situation really does make one examine their other relationships.

Thinking of you.

Noddy, you have such a way with words....and it;s such a blessing for me that you're all so level-headed...As always, i cannot talk about this to anyone else. I did tell my husband and he has been supportive. But knowing how attached i am to my Dad, he is a bit hesitant to say anything much except..."take care not to overreact or say something you'll regret later"...Moreover, I'm so snappy and moody at home now


Exactly what's bothering me. What else has he lied to me about - i keep wondering? No - I don't know any other situation in which he has lied to me ....i haven't seen him lying to anyone else too for that matter. You may be right - he could be lying about this thing only. Maybe, as you say, it's wise not to turn my back on him right away. However, my image of him has changed forever.


It's confusing and i'm feeling quite lost. I'm going through these waves of self-pity....I trusted my husband and he abused that. Now we're back and everything is normal, i'm happy but still....
And now my dad, my so-called pillar of support lets me down.

I can totally see how those two things would interact. Make you question larger issues, not just the specifics of what your father did.

I don't think you have to do anything right this minute, there is no rush. I think you can give it some more time, see how you are feeling, don't make any final decisions one way or the other quite yet.

Hi.
Listening.

Y'know sakhi, besides the great advice you are getting, I wanted to offer some commiseration.
I literally flushed, my face is bright red reading this.

I feel like I can relate to you in the sense here, that, in your posts there has always shone such a deep love and respect for your father.
Now you are forced to reevaluate that , and your image of him.

I'm trying my best to word things well here, but I know it is iffy because what I'd like to say is quite complicated and may be crossing lines, but here goes anyways. It may help or at least clarify something for you, and give you pause not to jump too fast on any big decision.

Growing up, my love for my dad ran very deep. I turned to him, my mom is a long story but I did not feel like I could turn to her.
My dad was my world, and I nearly idolized him.
When I was a teen, he passed away.

Well, years later I found out things about my dad that were less than stellar and undeniable.
I am an adult, dad is not here, but I still felt betrayed. Suddenly, I was forced to re-evaluate who that man was and what our relationship was about. But I had to settle to giving hell to the sky instead of his face, which I did, I gave him hell.

There is a big difference here, because your dad is there and my dad is not, and your dad has stood by you through some very rough adult difficulties.
You already have a more adult relationship...but....tell me if I am way off...is there a part that still Daddy's Little Girl.
Y'know, that part that can sometimes override everything.
That part loves fiercely and because that love is fierce - it can almost be likenned to that between lovers.
The level of anger at feeling betrayed, losing trust, can be just as deep.

Like i've mentioned, my dad is not around, and in a way that gives me a certain perspective that others can't have so easily who still have the priveledge of calling up their pops.

You dad did lie. He did betray you. I think you need to confront him on that and be willing to hear what he has to say. He needs to hear what you have to say, and understand the woman he is now dealing with. Some dads do have a hard time letting the 'little girl' part go.

But without even having that conversation and doing that, right now, i wonder if what he has has made less all that he has been in your life?
Does it change that it was he who was there for you, that he has made you such a large priority in his life?

In my little opinion, if you chose never to forgive him for what he has done that would be ok, that would be your right.
You don't owe him special consideration.

Call me nuts, but I can almost see how his choice could have been for the best in a weird way. Had he chosen different - - it's possible you wouldn't have been so much in his life. Selfish, yes, but it could be that it was driven by his strong love for you.
I can't help thinking that if I were in your shoes at 15 and my dad had gone and told me what you have found out now about your dad, I would most likely have cut him from my life.

If it sounds like I trying to defend your father, well, I guess I am a bit, but not for what he done. He has done wrong.
I guess I'm more defending your remembering your choice in this matter: to do whatever you wish in this relationship with a father you love, and rejoice in that wonder of relating to your father as a full grown woman who has proven herself to be strong, smart, and longsighted.

You're awesome, sakhi, and I hope you feel better soon. Wish you the best.

flushd, excellent post.

sakhi, agreeing with others that you don't have to decide anything immediately, or that whatever you decide now needs to be permanent. But, thinking of the closeness of your relationship with your father, it probably won't be long before he detects that something is up. Either from the way you interact with him, or by your lack of interaction. Are you still in regular contact with him? If so, how's that going?

Sakhi--

You didn't "cause" your father's behavior any more than you "caused" your husband's behavior.

So you're snappy and moody right now. Remember marriage is a partner of equals and you're entitled to the same thoughtful understanding from your husband that you gave to him.

Why shouldn't you act like a hurt, little girl? You've been badly hurt by the first man you ever trusted. You're entitled to feel hurt and betrayed.

Hold your dominion.

I was unwell - much better now.

Thank you, flushd, for sharing your story. I can relate to what you went through. Thanks all of you...I thought over all this calmly over the last couple of days (i had lot of time for that since i was sick)...and though I still don't know what exactly I should do, I sure know that I shouldnt do anything suddenly.
Yes, and nothing changes the fact that my dad has been the most important influence and support all my life, even post-marriage.

No, Chai - I didn't check any fmaily history...but I haven't know my father to lie about anything else..though I must say I now feel like I hardly know the real him.



This thing is still bothering me a lot, soz.

JBP, you're right. My dad did notice that I sounded different on the phone...but I didnt tell him anything. And he isn't someone who will prod. He knows something is up but he will wait for me to speak about it. And right now, I don;t feel like speaking to him at all.

Sakhi, I fully understand your mix of grief and anger and plain love for a parent, thwarted. I assume you have an ongoing thing with stifleing rage, at least sometimes, in dealing with him, and great sorrow at other times, and that you are trying to maintain composure.

And yet, I can understand him, acting out of pure defense back when you two first talked about the matter. You were the child, to him, who needed to be protected, and protected from whatever was going on, from your eyes, whether from defensive guilt or natural protection.
And then that went on and on and lies layered themselves, yes, by him, just to protect the first one.

I suspect your father is an interesting and honorable man. Undoubtedly flawed but still interesting. I suggest you get to know him as an adult. My own father died fairly early relative to my life and I crave those possible conversations that can no longer happen..