sex too soon?

Danieljean,
I've been wondering where you've been. Have you not posted in a while? How are things going??
I'm going to have to think a bit on my answer to your question.

On the other hand, if you wait too long, the whole relationship can veer of in other directions. Anyway, I've had such experiences.

I'm happily married to the man I had sex with on the [size=7]second [/size]date.

Does that answer your question?

Then again if you do it too soon you run the risk of the guy not being interested anymore because he got what he wanted.

Maybe it's because I never really went out on very many dates (it was always more like, "I like hanging out with you, you like hanging out with me- are you hungry?- yeah- so am I- okay, let's go get something to eat)- but I've never understood how people can plan when they're gonna be ready to become intimate with someone.

Doesn't it just happen when you both feel it should - kind of like going to get something to eat when you're both hungry?
If you don't feel compelled to engage- it's probably too early or entirely wrong. At least that's how I feel about it. There's no strategy or time clock involved. If it should happen, it does happen, and the timing of when that realization strikes you is not something you schedule or control.

What's magical about a certain number of dates? The fact that you are making a certain impression- not too fast, but not too slow?
Again, maybe I'm really old fashioned, but I wouldn't sleep with anyone if I still felt at the stage that I had to make any kind of impression. Either you know them and trust them well enough to accept you as you are- or it's no go as far as I'm concerned. Why would you put yourself through anything other than that? Sounds way too nerve-wracking and opportunistic for rejection and pain to me.

Can you just hang out with the guy instead of going out on "dates"? A lot of times it seems you get a totally different impression of someone who is on his best behavior and dressed to impress than when you see him in his normal setting just being who he really is.

*How's Maine Daniellejean- any snow?

In my whole life Ive been on one date with one guy and id know him for about 10 years.

Cant really recall when we did it, maybe 4th time we'd met up.
I suppose how long youve know the person for, how comfortable you feel around them can be factors.

Material girl said:

That's how I feel too, MG. I feel like I had one formal "date"- a highschool dance- or maybe two if I include the first time someone said, "Okay, this is a DATE- I'm taking you out and I'm paying"- and we ended up at McDonald's ( because we were both in the mood for a Big Mac).

My relationships always stemmed from friendships that just deepened into something else. So I've always kind of known the people for months and seen them in all sorts of situations so that I have an idea of who they are through and through, and vice versa so I know they have a realistic view of who I am and so have realistic expectations that I can fulfill.
I can't even really picture going out with someone a few times, only seeing them in a really contrived social situation and then trusting them with my emotions, feelings, and anything or everything else.

Roger said:

But don't you think if the chemistry is there- it's there- and won't turn into something else? It's not something you can create if it doesn't exist and it's not something you can deny if it does exist. At least that's been my experience. But again, I've never had a really typical dating experience- so who knows? But it sounds kind of scary to do it that way.

Its so much nicer to go out with someone youve known as a friend for a while, you get a real feeling of their true personality.
I think Id hate to go on a date with a person I havnt seen in many social situations.It would be awful if he seemd nice then for some reason he acted like a complete bumhole.

Silly eg, I was in a queue waiting to pay for something,a rather nice looking guy was walking around trying to find a short queue, I was planning the wedding, naming the kids when all of a sudden he went into a stupid rage about the length of the queues.I didnt argree with what he did and how he went about it so I cancelled the fantasy wedding.

I think people act a bit fake on dates, I know I would, involuntarily as Id be so nervous, my stupid side would come out, and lets face it most men think a date is just a curtesy, paying for a meal so they can then get sex.

Its strange as the nicest guys I know are people that are going out/married my girlfriends.Ive got to know them in a totally plutonic way, admittedly I dont know what they are like in certain serious situations but I feel I have a good sense of their true personality.

Well I meant date in a rather vague sense - not as some formal dinner/movie thing. I just mean that if you don't really know somebody that well, but you know enough about them to like them a lot and you end up sleeping with them because - well because sometimes these things just happen. I wonder what the chances of it working out are. Are you setting yourself up for defeat by creating a false sense of intimacy before you really know eachother.

I say this because I am dating a guy from work right now (which is an issue in itself). We had sex two weeks after we hung out for the first time, and a week after our official "first date". I don't regret it in a lot of ways. But something inside of me also makes me think that this could be just like all the other times (the last 4 boyfriends anyway) where I had sex before the first month was up and convinced myself that I felt things I didn't. Maybe I'm just scared of it failing, and there is a lot less at stake without sex. But I guess it's too late for that.

I think for the woman at least, introducing sex into a relationship before you really fully know the person, can work to set up a false sense of intimacy (physically) because during sex there is a release of oxytocin in the woman's body. This is the same hormone that stimulates milk production during pregnancy and prepares a woman's body (physically and emotionally) for bonding with a child.

That's probably why you feel that there's more at stake when sex is involved in a relationship- your body is telling you there is- it's telling you you're bonded emotionally now as well.
As well as social and cultural mores which (although they're changing rapidly) also teach a woman that it's more appropriate for her to have sex with people to whom she feels an attachment- so a lot of times it works in reverse. A woman has sex with a guy to whom she doesn't feel an attachment, she doesn't like the way it makes her feel, so she convinces herself there was an attachment when maybe there really wasn't one and/or shouldn't be one.
In the end, it's just delaying the inevitable. If you have to convince yourself that something is real, it probably isn't.

I guess I'd think of it as something you wanted to express. If you wanted to express this part of yourself to this specific person, and felt led and comfortable to do so, whose business is it but yours and his? And if it fails, it wasn't meant to be- for whatever reason-but at least you know it was something you truly wanted to express at that time, instead of feeling pressured or coerced by convention or the expectations of someone else.

I guess what I was saying is that I'd feel safer knowing it was reciprocal-that he also had something he wanted to express to me (besides the fact that he needed or wanted me recreationally -unless that's what I was into too) before I chose to express that part of myself to him.
Hope it works out for you.

I agree with that "sex = intimacy" thing with women.

However, I think the day has long passed where a required number of "dates" has to pass before one does (or doesn't) have sex.

I wonder how much of that system of waiting x amount of time developed because of fear of pregancy before more reliable and readily available means of birth control? With that fear reasonably put aside, I think women need to explore for themselves what an appropriate waiting period would be, and I fully believe it would be different with every man they encounter.

I've had sex with a man on the first date, I've had sex with a man after waiting weeks.

One difference I can tell for myself is that the few I've hopped straight into the sack with involved high mutual sexual attraction, and that was about it. Purely recreational sex for the simple joy and good feeling of 2 adults screwing. Funny, on those occassions, there would be none of that initial ackwardness of "is it okay if I touch you"?

On the other hand, men I was on a dating where the personality played a big factor....although it ended up being comfortable, there would be that initial shyness, and thinking "I hope he likes how I look/perform" type of thing.

One think I do know, sex is a great ice breaker.

BTW daniellejean, we've missed you.

4 dates. Not one more, not one less. That is the rule.

Actually, putting some kind of ideal timeframe is stupid. You can have sex on the first date and still have a good, long relationship. Whenever both people are comfortable, or drunk enough....go for it.

Yeah, I'm glad to be back Chai. I had been working on myself for a while. Apparently not enough because I just jumped into bed with somebody I'm not head over heels for. It felt great, and good at the time, but it was kind of a circumstantial thing too because I didn't want to drive the hour home at 2AM, when we finished watching our movie. So he said I could stay over night. But then we started kissing, and kissing led to me not sleeping on the couch, but in his bed, then that led to oral sex. The next night I stayed over again, and we had intercourse. He kept telling me how close he felt to me, and I couldn't reciprocate the statement because I'm still not fully over my ex. I care about this guy. We have a lot in common. But I am scared shitless.

Oh, and I have a technical question (I am going to be blunt, so read on at your own risk). I had masterbated him, and he ejaculated on my stomach. He wiped it off with a towel, of course. But we didn't take a shower or anything. Then he went down on me. But he kissed my stomach and thighs before he did so. Is it possible to transfer semen from the stomach to the vagina in such a way? Could I get pregnant like that? I always prided myself on knowing a lot about sex and pregnancy, but I am a little worried about this. And I was wondering if anybody had any thoughts.

My thoughts are of a cold shower!

Also, I thought sperm died quite quickly, some of them dont even make it the distance to the egg!Plus I cant see a guy on purposely putting his face anywhere near semen.

Short answer: no, you are not pregnant. do not fret my dear.

Hey, not to sound all free and easy and everything (I'm not), but look, you're an adult, he's an adult, you both felt like having sex, and it was enjoyable.

It's okay you don't return any close feelings, you made a decision, and went with it. Don't let guilt and all that seep in.

If it helps, I am giving you official permission to have great sex without being hopelessly in love with your partner.

Hell, I'll give permission for you to have okay sex with someone you don't even like, but find hot.

CHAI FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!!!
Please give me your blessing to have carefree adult sex, please, then wave a wand for me.Thanks.

ooo.....tee hee hee my dears.....

let's ALL have consensual sex!

Nice girls do, you know!

So they keep telling me.

If the ejaculate was still moist and he transferred it to your vagina from your stomach via his tongue or lips, the sperm are viable for 48 hours. Were you ovulating when this happened? Did it happen recently? If so, the morning after pill will be effective for three to five days after contact. Again, best of luck to you. I hope it all works out.