Diary Poems

Meaningless

Life became meaningless for me
When they started taking away my dreams
Once I had so many, now…
They've replaced them with endless nights of echoing screams
False hopes have become a true sedate
Where lost ones like me come to escape
But I can hide from neither
Not destiny- not fate
Where there were once innocent tears
Impatiently waiting for tomorrow
There is now merciless fear
As I desperately attempt to suppress my sorrows

Even though life and death have no meaning
---Not anymore---
I am still afraid
---As I was before---
This time I have reasons
---beyond my control
Beyond my limits
Even beyond my understanding

In this life,
How can I bring light
How can I win a fight
That was never mine to battle…
Why should I try to find a meaning
In something that was meant to be…
____ Meaningless ____

Still so Naïve?

I was thinking about you today
…as I flipped through the pages of the yearbook
And stopped when I saw your face
Thinking, if you're still so naïve

You probably never knew me
For years we walked the same halls
Lurked through the same classrooms
As strangers to each other

I remember how you used to daydream
And draw guitars on your assignments
…saying one day you'll invent a new one
You talked so much about guns and Nazis
Knowing that no one understood
Everyone looked at you with admiration
And you loved to think they were all losers
But we were all middle-school idiots
Worshipping you
And all others who skated after school

You found my stares unfamiliar
But you never asked me who I was
Nor did I ever ask you

…I was thinking about you…
Not because I miss you, no
Not because I ever liked you, never

…just wondering, if you're still the same
Acting stupidly
Pretending to be some one you're not

Thinking
Still so naïve?
Because there was so much more to you….

There's only a number of times you can cry
After that___
The tears just dry up inside
And you can't drain anymore

Sometimes the urge is so strong
Yet still,
You just stare out at space
Trying to strengthen yourself
By pretending to be insensitive

And no matter how deep the feeling…
How strong the urge…
How important the people…
How pure the love…
…It all seems like an illusion

Because as you stood in the rain
Those tears were no more than raindrops
….that have faded away….

Hi Naima

I hope things are going well for you - and that you're still writing.
Take care - and I'm still reading...

Peace
E

Hi there Endy,

yes, I'm still writing... but not typing anymore ...

You see... I so totally planned to post some stuff today...
but planning really doesn't suit me!!!

I'll post some soon...

Just about 15 minutes before coming here, I kinda injured a few fingers while closing the door (Got too excited i guess )and can't type properly...for a few days i guess! SO>>>>

Unless and untill i can't help it( :wink: )... I wont be around much

Be back soon...

Thanks once again...it really motivates...always...

So obviously... I was wrong... It's not much of a problem if you ignore it...

Here goes...

A Toxic Pause Where were you then?

When I lay there on the cold floor
Midnight
Silence
Not a living soul around
And I cried and cried
Looking at the dark sky
Sun rising above
Thinking of you
Waiting for you
Shaking
Scared
Calling…
Fading…
Dying…

Where were you then?
Where were you then???

Stop dancing around the story
Stop reminding me of my past
You have no reason to worry
And these spells, you must not cast

You don't have to rise
And fall from above
Please don't consider this a demise
I do not believe in love

Do no waste your time
In pushing me to fantasy land
Just tell what's on your mind
And I'll fulfill your demand

We don't have to do this everyday
It's all been done before
One second, hold me close_ you may
The next_ you'll call me a whore

You might be in distress
I'll give you all that you want
Just don't call me princess
There must be another way you can taunt

You'll never understand
So don't pretend to
I'll obey you command
That's all I must ever do

This is all just a game
That now, I've learned to play
I'll you the fame
I'll never disobey

So I hope that's enough
Now give me back my life
Your dope's turned rough
I am not your wife


( )

Hope

Broken hearts of tender souls
Forgotten in blood
And despised
Vacant memories
Of unspoken times
Turning
Twisting
Returning
Fogging mists
Of the worlds hate


At sun's core
Lies a child
Unheard
Deadly burnt
Yet alive
Hope…
Lasts eternally


(or atleast i hope so...)

Limits

Even in this confined space
I cross my limits every day
Despite all your advice
I still toe out of line
Just to feel the wind
Just to take the risk
I pretend to be free
And ignore whatever you say

But deep down inside
There's a place I've never been
All windows and doors wide open
As burning sand blows in
To set fire to that place
Where a child hides
The one I killed many years ago

Everyday oceans of blood gush in
And lakes are set to ignite
Flowers covered in thorns are sent
With weapons of all times
I throw so much despair
In that Asylum of anguish
But some way, somehow
That child always survives
She whispers directions to me
Satisfaction beyond lust
Vengeance appears to be sweet
But I must not obey
"I must not obey"

…
That is why
I cross my limits everyday
Despite all your advice
I still toe out of line
For so many reasons
I pretend to be free
And ignore whatever you say.

Round and glowing
Erie and grim
Obscured by grey clouds
A full moon
On the midnight blue sky

...

I must hide
close my eyes
wrapped in you arms
I need your protection
I ache for that hug
I want that love
Before they find me
The werewolve of time
just some sleep...
a silent kiss goodnight!
and i'm off to bed
Till the sun rises
Regeneration*

(I'll try!)

Walked away

I've walked away
Yes I have

Born on the wrong night
The wrong life
The wrong sight
--that wasn't mine

So I must say
I've walked away

On those mumbling jumbling of words
On thoughts scattered in disarray
On restless nights of pain
On this ever failure of a game

****---
I'm f*cking with shame

But I must say
I've walked away
Yes I have

I'm sick of looking up to you
Sick of waiting for the sun to rise
Sick of watching fake smiles
Sick of living in pretend files
I'm so goddamn frustrated
Of all this stinging sickness

And I must say
I've walked away
Yes I have

I've chickened out
Out of tormenting fights
---into a life

I'm more together now
---now that I've walked away

On those ever-growing fantasies
On those unreal dreams
On those unkept promises
On those desperate hopes

Terrifying memories
Odorless roses
The illusioned past

I've walked away on all of it
And I'm not going back
I've got my own life
And I've walked away on yours

So I must say
I've walked away
Yes I have……..

Naima - thanks for sharing your poems.
I see a lot of strength in what you write

Peace
Endy

Don't know how to respond to that, Endy
(answers for the lateness!)

the writing gets stronger...the writer feels weaker....
the ****'s turning into the flowers(that's what you said once earlier right?) but the turner's got the face all burnt in the process :wink:

Anyways... Peace to you too!
Naima

Give me a reason
A reason to live
(Tell me why)


You have already erased my dreams
You have stolen my hopes
You laugh at my passions
You have no respect for who I am

You protect me because you must
But you don't know how insecure I am

Give me a reason
A reason to live
(Tell me why)

Despite all my attempts in pleasing you
Bowing before your ego
You still object to my existence
You toss my feelings around
It's a game you love to play

I have so many replicas
My smiles, my tears, my laughter___
It's all insignificant to you

Give me a reason
A reason to live
(Tell me why)

You trap me in a cage
A place where I can't walk free
You chain me with ornaments
So I can not escape from myself

Must I drag around like a slave
Following you on strange paths
Become a picture you alter everyday
Perfect me, and then just throw away

Give me a reason
A reason to live
(Tell me why)

Two years?

Such a long period…
Two years now…
Or is it three or four or five…
Sorry sweetheart,
I've lost count
I can't even remember…
Can't remember your face
Not even the name

Just a shadow lurking around…
Just a nightmare haunting me…

You still around?

Oh… It's okay!
I anticipated that
Didn't you know?

But hell!
Why am I waiting?
Still hoping you might return…
Set me free…

It's a secret…
A secret fantasy
Evolving for…
How many years now?

Who cares?
I'm no killer…
You're safe
Miles away…

Two years now….
Tallying on the second
The minute
The hour
The day
The week
…

It's getting late…
Maybe I just need some sleep…
Need to rest in peace…

Then I'll forget…
At least I promise to try…

I'll try…
To erase every moment of those…
Those…
Tho…

Goodnight!
Sleep tight!
Don't let my memories fight!

Two years right?
(I hope no more...)

You look beautiful, Love
Very beautiful
...
A moment of silence
As they evaporate
A moment for peace
Befor I walk away

**********************

I never thought about the end
As I was embraced - by you
...In those hands...
With all you other dreams
.... That never came true

Now whereto?
with no begining...
no end in mind...

I guess to make the snow fall...
In summer
Or search for the moments
... That have slipped away

Time to Fly

You ___under the bed!
You ___Behind the shelf!
You ___In the closet!
You ___The table!

"And you?"

Me?

**********************
We've been doing this for so long
Playing a game of hide n seek
Patient for the enemy to find us
And return our dreams

Caressing occult treasures
Baffled by the shadows of an obscure history
Lost in this infinite waiting
Shut in a hellish paradise…

But metal chains and Iron bars
Do not make us prisoners!

We've been doing this for so long
Defining roads to drive on
Searching for the sky

But now,
Its time to fly!!!

That gleeful smile reminds me someone else
That beautiful gaze recalls ancient memories
The smooth touch… an others hands
The soft lips… someone else's kiss

A sorry story of centuries ago
A verse…
Too agonizing to be heard
…thus never told

A long tale erased long ago
Coming back…

Someone else's book
An altered tale

….

Dead, Dead, Dead

You are dead!

This is not Deja-vu
This is not you

.....

Just a memory
A hallucination!

Is the Child Dead?

The innocent stupidity
The crazy silence
The painless tears
The silly whining
The pure laughter
Where is it?
Or is the child dead?

No one adoring the fascinating lights
No one chasing the butterflies
Toys idle behind locked doors
What is all this?
Or is the child dead?

An empty sandbox
No one to believe in fairies
No one waiting for a miracle
No sunrise
No tomorrow

…

What is that infant-like glow in your eyes?
Is it fake?
Is the child dead?

(Yes, the child is dead!)