Diary Poems

/...
THE FELLA FROM THE BAR

corroding at a bar
drunk and senseless
fvckin' up a cigar
watching ladies dressless
trapping his emotiuons in bottles
smiling for the hopeless world
was a fella
wasting himself away

so naturally i helped him
when i saw his dreary face
of all the grim people there
he definately needed a shade

i loved him most dearly
but what did he do?
taking away my life
he made his
after betraying this sowl
he lost a bet at the rodeo
the fell left and got drunk again
so i dumped him at the bar
to decade...
till another came
to make my mistake


<ARRRRRRRRR i'm losing my touch...probably time for a break!>

Re: ...


Naima - tell me you're not really 14. If you are - I owe you an apology.

...
yes i REALLY AM 14...
dude, an apology for what??????

I don't know how you're going to take this Naima, but I hope you see the funny side of it. None of it is a reflection on you - it's about me being 'blind' drunk - Going back about five pages on the Death Diary - page 22 I think, I was pretty much off my head.
At the time, I knew you only as Lostnsearching - I hadn't read your poems or anything - you were someone I appreciated dropping in from time to time with encouragement.
For some reason (maybe because you called me 'dude') and were happy to post - even when I was at my suicidal worst - I got it firmly in my head that you were a bloke around about my own age - maybe a bit younger. (I feel like a pratt saying it).
Part of that was your humour - which seems so insightful - but also the way you didn't behave nervous or patronising around 'the drunk'

Anyway, one mental night I wrote a poem titled:
Hello Lostnsearching

The poem was more about me than you - about me and my experience on a2k - but I did write it 'to' you - I won't pretend I didn't. Thinking of you as a fella - who'd maybe been through some of what I have - I expected you to 'come back'
because (shame of it) I asked you to.
That was the last line I wrote:
"……… Come back"

Anyway, you didn't.

(And I'm glad about that)
Maybe you missed the poem altogether, or maybe you were disturbed by it….(and I wouldn't blame you).

Shortly afterwards I read the poem you wrote to your father and I thought -Jesus, Lostnsearching is much younger than I imagined - and I was mad at myself for dumping my **** on some lad.
Then you replied and signed your name Naima (which made me wonder if you were a lad at all) - and now I find out you're 14.

There I'd been, talking about my guilt, about getting pissed, getting stoned, cutting myself up, - even suicide.
I feel bad about it.
Not because I don't think you can handle it - you've already proved you can - but because I was leaning on you (even if you didn't know it) and had you been a different kind of 14 year old, I might have hurt you.

I'm sorry Naima, - sorry for being a self-absorbed a-hole (that's an apology)
When I look back at that poem, written before I got to know you a bit better, I wish I could add a footnote:

I wrote this before I found out Lostnsearching was a 14 year old girl. The poem is still hers - she truly earned it, but even so - I owe her an apology.

I've been dead straight with you - more honest about my troubles than I have been with many people outside this forum - and I'll not be changing that, for any reason. I just wanted to get things straight regarding the poem, which has been worrying me - hope I haven't ruined a good friendship by being clumsy.
And I hope you don't stop calling me Dude, Naima - for some reason, it cheers me up every time you do!

peace
Endy

I was pretty much off my head."different kind of 14 year old," what kind?
"I'd been, talking about my guilt, about getting pissed, getting stoned, cutting myself up, - even suicide."
No worries…been through all that! Countless times. :wink:
Have you ruined a good friendship? Nope, you've only intensified it!
Your clumsiness? Whatever that's supposed to mean!
"I wrote this before I found out Lostnsearching was a 14 year old girl. The poem is still hers - she truly earned it, but even so - I owe her an apology."
I don't understand what you should be sorry for. Though it feels good to know I deserve something!
"I've been dead straight with you - more honest about my troubles than I have been with many people outside this forum - and I'll not be changing that, for any reason"
I thank you for that!*salute!*
Love
Naima
p.s love the way you always write "peace"…I hope YOU don't stop doing that!

...
To be in the darkness while emotionally hurt
is acceptable for me to live with
to know that the world will end
when there's so much to be uncovered
is a thought that i can bear
to be subjected to mental torture
by those who live carefree befor me
is something i can handle
to be forced to prostrate befor gods
who's existence is unholy
is a duty i can fulfil
to sacrifice my self
for the contentment of others
is an ability i can continue to use
to knock down obstacles
for those who can't stand
is an act i am obliged to perform

but to be rejected
by those i live
and be clearly neglected
with irrational thoughts
is something that...
just isn't okay!

...
Why waste my time
and torture myself
when i know
the answers won't come

i studied the entire weekend
drowning in desperation
yet i still don't get
how all this is done

so that's why i left
the paper answerless
is this enough
or is there more to confess?

(For all those who wondered why i walked out the examination hall today
hey__it's not my fault i love maths but still can't do it. lol!!!)

Hi Naima *salute!*

Thanks for going easy on me



It's radio talk - "Come back" kinda means - 'Are you out there? If so, let me hear from you.' Like "Over..." (over to you).



If you're wise, you'll save that experience until your reputation and pride can afford to take a battering (that comes with age).:wink:



I dunno - one more easily shocked? :wink:
How about one that thinks about suicide or cutting themselves and might be encouraged by what i write? If i thought that was you Naima, i'd have to back off.
I already carry around enough guilt

I know that sounds hard as - but despite being what I am... I still acknowledge responsibily. There's no getting away from the fact that i am f*cked up by things that have happened to me and sometimes I can get to thinking bad **** about that. It would kill me to hurt you Naima -- or any other kid. It's the kids who have been maimed, traumatised, killed or bereaved in this f*cking war, that get to me the most.

Anyway enough of that - what about the poetry?
Do you find it helps to write? Your sadness, I mean?
I'll look forward to reading more of your writings - Thanks for posting on the Revolution thread.
Want you to know that your letter above was greatly appreciated - keep writing and keep your chin up.

Peace
Endy

...
wouldn't it be easier
if i could tear my soul apart
divide myself in two
so as to be able to live
a life that would entirely be mine
and one that could be devoted for their pleasure
that seems like the only solution
though impractical it really is

wouldn't it be easier
if i was left with that mundane mind
and couldn't imagine

(sounds really really crazy...)

...
Hi Endy
going easy on you...wouldn't have it any other way
comes with age...i'll take your word for it
anyways as far as poetry is concerned...long long story...
maybe tommorrow (still can't spell that right)
gotta go now
thanks for replying
as far as your revolution thread is concerned
i had to ask you something...tomorow....
bye
naima

hey, we posted more or less at the same time!

Hi Naima - just replied to your post - like your latest poem

Peace
Endy

yeah i guess we did...
latest

the one about the exam...it was awful dude...i didn't know one ****!

the other one...yeah...that has a long story behind it too...tommorow lol

Re: ...


it's tomorrow....

try thinking like this

TOM
OR
ROW

How do I spell that f*cking word?
Oh yeah - it's either TOM or ROW
easy


:wink:

...
gee thanks Endy
i'll try to remember that
(i'm not really good with spelling...it's all the computers fault!!!!the ugly handwriting and the spellings)

...
Why should i waste my time
when i know the end isn't mine
why should i torture my mind
when i know the questions are infinite
why should i tire my body
when i know such struggles end unsuccessfuly
why should i lie to my soul
when i know it can see far beyond
in the mere illusion of time
why do i choose to destroy my holy trinity
within the process of its elevation

...
so you lied to me
thinking i'd never know
disguising such obvious ways
you destroyed a continous flow
even though you were choiceless
you didn't have to be false
your sins always overshadow your grace
you said you understood

everytime i trust someone
why does it always end like this?

.
Replying to something Endy asked earlier...
Well Endy, it really does help to write...since its my only refuge. the only way i can let it all out...trust me: the ONLY...
and since i am a human i 'have' to let it all out,
or else i'd explode...so i write from time to time just to make sure that doesn't happed.
Anyways, writing for me is also a passion and something i've always wanted to do.
i started to write when something really awful happenned with a relationship and well...i just had to ... let it out i guess
so a friend of mine read it(also an amazing writer) and was really encouraging
then i wrote last year in my economics class when i was bored off my head....she encouraged even more...
although now when i look back and see that stuff it's not really all that good...but that's what got me started...
after that i started writing about my feelings towards different things,then my experiences, dream,........
now after about more a year of writing i've realized that everytime i write something it makes me feel better, maybe because i've shared it...and other than on paper i have a problem with sharing(Can't trust anymore)
and wierd words or verses come into my mind sometimes like prophecies so i write them down.
writing is also a way of gathering my thoughts....
but all in all...it has been helping me out of depression and sadness...
thanks for asking...seems like i wanted to get all this out on a higher level of understanding
anyways, how about you...does it help you? how'd you start writing?

...
UNNOtICED TEARS

You didn't notice my tears
when i walked with you
so the night's tough wind
just dried them away

you didn't notice my tears
when i cried through the night
you kept on sleeping peacefully, nest to me
so i just wiped them off the pillow

you didn't notice my tears
when i cried before you naked eye
you told me to stop the dramatics
and move on with my life

what can i make out
from you claim to love me
when throughout that time
your words would only hurt me
and then i'd cry
and my tears would roll down
........to be unnoticed by you...........

...
sometimes i wish

sometimes i wish my heart was stone
so i could be immune to desperate feelings
sometimes i wish my eyes were sealed
so i couldn't see innocent lives bieng tortured
sometimes i wish my ears were deaf
so that cold words wouldn't hurt me
sometimes i wish i was tasteless
so that bitter poison would not sting me
sometimes i wish i was stone cold to the world outside
so that i could live a happy life
mainly i wish i was dead
so that i could be free and liberated

...
Unnotice Sacrifices

I love you so much
but you never knew me
you never knew what i wanted
i sacrificed everything for you
even those moments which i deeply anticipated
the ones that'll never come back
my desires
my dreams
my life
i kicked it all away
so that i could see you happy
but i have no value before your eyes
i'm just not worthy enough to love you
yet i still love you so much
you never knew what i wanted
so my sacrifices were discarded
so what?
i know i sacrificed for you
it'll take time till you do too.

(only i don't believe in that last part! )